- Friendship is the foundation of a good marriage, because it imbues the relationship with positivity, which provides security and helps the couple push through conflict and annoyance.
- Repair attempts are key.
- "Harsh startup" determines the outcome of the discussion.
- People in unhappy marriages die faster, are more prone to sickness, and their children are more likely to have behavioral problems.
- Half of divorces happen within the first 7 years of the marriage.
- Gottman's approach was to study couples in a Love Lab -- a synthetic environment where they could study the nature of the conflict.
- The foundation of a happy marriage is a strong friendship. It creates a general positivity about the relationship that reduces the chance that conflict will spin out of control.
- Don't work on conflict resolution techniques. Instead work on building the friendship.
- Improvements in one of the seven areas will positively impact the other areas.
- The presence of the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.
- Criticism: generalizing the complaint to the person. "I asked you to sweep the floor last night. Why are you so forgetful?"
- Contempt: sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, sneering, mockery. It's poisonous, because it conveys disgust.
- Defensiveness: this is an indirect way of saying that the attacker is at fault, and so isn't going to repair.
- Stonewalling: rather than confronting, he disengages and turns away ("checks out"). He avoids the fights, but is also avoiding his marriage. Far more common behavior among men.
- The presence of flooding.
- When discussion begin with "harsh startups".
- Discover things like your spouses best friends, preferred family members, fears and hopes, current stresses.
- (The book provides some questionnaires for getting to know someone, like a close friend, which sounded fun and comprehensive).
- "Who am I" exploration. Write answers individually, then share notes:
- My triumphs
- My injuries and ways to heal
- My emotional world
- My mission and legacy
- Who I want to become
- We all change significantly over time, especially around major life events like house, kids, career change. You can lose sight of your spouse if you don't have a good routine for maintaining love maps.
- To re-center on your relationship, focus again on your partner's positive characteristics, reminding yourself of why you love this person in the first place. Recall the history that got you together.
- Fondness and admiration are the antidote for contempt.
- Exercises in this book:
- I appreciate…: list things you appreciate about your partner. Ground it in an incident. Then share it with your partner.
- 'The history and philosophy or your marriage: highlight the positive history and the love which brought the couple together.
- 'Seven Week Course in Fondness and Admiration': a schedule of daily rehearsing of positive thoughts and a related tasks which positively
- Stay connected about the mundane things in life so you can begin accruing into the emotional bank account rather than leaving it empty.
- These interactions are the foundation for romance and connection -- beyond just the cushion of conflict that admiration gives.
- How to have stress-reducing conversations about each other's lives:
- Take turns
- No unsolicited advice
- Show genuine interest
- Communicate your understanding
- Take your spouse’s side
- Take the "we against others" attitude
- Express affection
- Validate emotions
- Share power. Men typically have a harder time with this than women.
- It's an investment in the relationship. Even if you think you're right, sharing power might be the wiser choice in the decision.
- Gottman found that in the long-run, the happiest and most stable marriages are those where the couple works as a team -- they consider each other's perspectives/feelings and seek common ground where there's a disagreement.
- 70% of conflicts fall into the perpetual variety.
- Since they're perpetual by nature, you must chose a partner who's differences you can live with and cope with. Choosing your spouse is the same as choosing your set of unsolvable problems.
- If the problems cannot be coped with, they become obstacles, and the couple gets into a gridlock, leading to the four horsemen.
- Many happy marriages exist without having resolved any of their big issues.
- Techniques
- Soften your startup
- Arguments end in the same tone that they begin.
- Couples divorce because of the distancing to avoid fights, rather than the actual fights.
- Women tend to have harsher startups.
- "I'm so tired today because of work; can you please take the garbage out?" vs. "what's wrong with you? You never take the garbage out!"
- Complain, but don't blame.
- Make "I" statements: speak about what the situation does to you.
- Describe what's happening; don't judge or evaluate.
- Be explicit and specific with what you want. Your partner isn't a mind reader.
- Be appreciative.
- Make repair attempts
- These are brakes on the conversation to prevent escalation.
- The most important property is that they're obvious, recognizable, and "get through" to your spouse.
- Examples:
- I'm feeling scared.
- Can you make things safer for me?
- Please be gentler with me.
- Can we take a break? I'm starting to feel flooded.
- I can see my part in all of this.
- Let's find our common ground.
- Hang in there -- don't withdraw.
- This is not your problem -- it's our problem.
- When a person is flooded (heart rate > 100 bpm), discussion has to stop, before stonewalling begins. The flooded person can't hear what's being said.
- Soothe yourself and each other
- These are techniques for returning from being flooded.
- Some couples can self-soothe as part of a discussion. Ideally, your partner is a critical part of your soothing process, which ties you together.
- Examples
- You give each other massages to calm down.
- Lie down
- 10m of deep breathing
- Compromise
- You don't need to accept everything your partner argues for, but you do need to accept some of it.
- Men typically have a harder time accepting influence from their wives than vice versa.
- Exercise: find common ground. Draw a circle. Write the non-negotiable things inside, negotiable things outside. Start negotiating using this info.
- Soften your startup
- Common solvable problems
- Bringing stress from outside into the marriage
- E.g. wife is upset because there's no food after a crappy day of work and the husband forgot to get groceries. The blowup is not personal, but rather situational.
- Solutions: clear coordination of responsibilities; a destressing break between work and home; regular whining sessions about work, while the other is supportive.
- In-laws
- Establish a sense of "we-ness" or solidarity between husband and wife.
- Spouse must prefer the marriage first. It's their new nuclear family. This does not mean they love their family of origin less. But the in-laws must get used to it and accept it.
- Money
- Be better organized with money.
- Plan your goals and trade off some of yours for the other.
- Sex
- Since it has a huge potential for hurt, embarrassment, and rejection, couples tend to negotiate about it in vague, imprecise terms.
- Solutions: learn to speak about sex in a safe way, and more clearly; accommodate what your partner wants as much as you're comfortable doing so.
- "Lovemaking with a critical partner ends up usually being quite short and sucky."
- Housework
- Goal: create a sense of fairness and teamwork.
- Commonly one person has higher standards than another and it creates resentment and lack of appreciation.
- Solution: men do more, since they're usually doing less. Women are more attracted to these kinds of men.
- "Who does what" exercise: map out all existing chores, with two columns: now, ideal. Discuss.
- Becoming parents
- Solutions:
- Work on the marital friendship (although don't seesaw between investing in the spouse and then the baby).
- Have the dad care for the baby, and don't supervise him.
- Give mom a break.
- Solutions:
- Bringing stress from outside into the marriage
- Gridlock happens when people's life dreams are not being addressed/respected by the other person.
- In a healthy marriage, couples believe that the marriage is helping them with those dreams, and they're not instead being manipulated out of achieving their dreams.
- Some dreams are hidden and won't be shared unless the marriage feels safe.
- Solutions:
- Become a dream detective. Unearth dreams which are hidden, or which were implicitly put away when the marriage began. They will eventually surface as gridlock conflict.
- Work on ungridlocking the dream:
- Understand their position; ask for I statements
- Honor their dream
- Try to partake: via listening, financial support, or taking part.
- Look hard for semi-permanent compromises
- Sooth each other. It's hard to have conflicting dreams. Flooding occurs.
- Build a family "culture", with symbols and rituals, so there's meaning and connection beyond the daily chores of marriage.
- Examples
- High-quality family dinner time
- Holidays
- Rites of passage
- Community
- Celebrating positive and negative events
- Lovemaking
- An investment plan of 5 hours per week to significantly renew the marriage.
- Parting: before saying goodbyes in the morning, find out one thing which is happening in the partner's life that day.
- Reunions: stress-reducing conversations at the end of each workday.
- Admiration and appreciation: find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation towards your spouse.
- Affection: kiss, hold, grab and touch each other when together.
- Weekly date: could be a relaxing low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions (to update your love-maps) and turn towards each other. Talking out a marital issue or working through an argument can also be placed here.