‘It is a big myth that mothers can strike a balance. When you work and you have kids, it is crazy’

Yeah, I do sometimes and when I do, I take that day off, especially now that I am just a few weeks away from giving birth. I am able to do this because I am lucky to have people to support me. I can carve out time for myself. I think a lot of women don’t go back to work because they don’t have that option. I am privileged because I have my own business, but I probably wouldn’t be able to do it if I had a nine-to-five job.

I guess it is years of training as a chef. I have worked like this since I was 20. During my first pregnancy too, I worked pretty much till the end and this one as well. I think being in good health is very important. I try to eat clean. I try to work out as much as possible. It’s getting more and more difficult as my due date comes closer, but I try. I usually eat only two meals a day. People would think that, as a chef, I would have a very exciting diet. But that’s not the case. I eat the same breakfast pretty much every single day. It’s always eggs, spinach and an avocado or a piece of meat. Snack is always fruit or protein shake and my dinner is again high on protein followed by fats and carbs. Sticking to two meals a day gives me a lot of energy. It helps me work through the day. I also avoid sugar though now when the cravings strike, my plate looks more and more different. Normally, processed sugar is a no-no in my house and my restaurant. Even our desserts are made without processed sugar as much as possible.

No, absolutely not. I think that’s the biggest myth that you need to eat for two. I’m still eating for one. I have started focusing on micronutrients though.

I am discovering how rough it is. You get out of the toddler stage, then suddenly you have a few years of respite and then the teens hit. And, when I think of my kids as teenagers — and if they are anything like how I was — my god, karma! Frankly, my son Aham is a very sweet boy. If he wasn’t as easy as he is I probably wouldn’t have a second one. He’s grown up in the restaurant with like 40 people around him all the time. He’ll go to the right person and ask for the right thing. He knows I will never give him papdi, so he will go to the chef who makes the chaats at our catering kitchen. For dry fruits, he will go and ask the bartender. So, he knows how to get his work done, which is nice I think.

I think it’s more his first home. He spent more time at the restaurant than he has at home.

There is no balance. It is a big myth that mothers can strike a balance. When you work and you have kids, it is crazy. You’re always sacrificing one for the other; always half-assing it. That’s just the reality of life. When you are working, you are thinking about your baby and when you are with your baby, you are worrying about work. You’re playing catch-up in both situations. I feel there is no way around this. Both are full-time jobs, your work and being a parent. There is no way to balance.

I wouldn’t say parenting is more challenging, I would rather say that I would always prioritise my kids over anything and everything else. So, it’s hard. It’s hard to say no to work because of your kid because your priority is your child and it rightly has to be that. And, sometimes you have to step away from being a mother for a bit because your business needs you. So, I think it’s not one or the other, it’s the combination of both that makes it tough.

He loves south Indian food, so we make a lot of idli and dosa at home. A very sweet lady from Chennai runs a restaurant in the neighbourhood. Sometimes we go there to eat. But idli and dosa it is, for life!

Feeding a toddler is way more difficult. Adults may not enjoy what they eat but they will still smile and say everything is fine. My son just spits things right out. Recently, I spent all afternoon making this amazing soup and pasta for him and he just took one bite and spat it right out.
But I don’t worry too much about this. I find that kids come around. I don’t want to speak for parents who are having a difficult time. I know kids can be very fussy, but one thing I never do is run after him with a plate of food. Food is on the table. You eat it when you eat it. If you don’t eat it, then you don’t eat it. I know that he’s not going to starve himself. He will eat when he’s hungry. I try my best to set up his daily life to be as independent as possible because when I’m traveling and he’s coming with me, we eat out at restaurants. That’s not the time to teach them to be independent. I think you have to build that habit from the beginning at home. I have always let Aham feed himself. No nanny chases him or shows him a screen for the sake of feeding. So, it is easy to go out with him because he is used to sitting and eating on his own. My husband is travelling, so last night, Aham and I went out for a pizza date.

I don’t worry about the quantity. I think I understand food and nutrition a little bit more. Whatever I give him, I make sure it’s nutrition-packed, so I know he is getting his nutrients. I also make sure his food is not carb heavy. Aham’s 19 months old now, and he’s never had biscuits. I plan to keep him away from sugar and junk food as much as possible.

People go to fine-dining restaurants for special occasions, so they may want some quiet. I understand this, but I don’t get it when people think having access to public spaces child-free is cool or that it is their right. Some people make such a big deal about children in airplanes, casual restaurants and public spaces. We were all children once and we were all hard to deal with. No one was born a perfect adult. I mean if you wish to travel child-free, you should take a private jet, not fly commercial.
These days, a majority of couples in Indian metros believe in the one-and-done policy. You’ve been quoted saying you would have had five kids if you could. You really seem to be enjoying parenting.
I am. I never got it before. I think there’s a switch that flips in your head after you have a kid, and you’re never the same ever again. I had zero maternal instincts before my baby. I am still not the over-indulgent mother. I am pretty pragmatic for the most part of it.
We live in a world where things are so jaded; everything is kind of rushed and contrived and thought through for you. A world which is so fast-paced sometimes can be over-daunting and over-stimulating. Having kids just brings you back to the ‘why’ of everything. I have enjoyed my career so far and I’m going to continue doing things, but I have slowed down and in a good way. I think I have learned to prioritise. I think about the ‘why’ — why should I do something if I don’t have a very good reason to leave my kids and sacrifice that time? Having a kid teaches you to appreciate the little things in life and connect with your primal reason to be, which is enjoying your children, watching them grow up.

No, no. I’m very stressed as well for the most part of it. But I have been very lucky. I have had a lot of support from my colleagues and my husband is the wind under my wings. Everything I’ve been able to do so far is because he’s been such a hands-on father. I also have very supportive parents. So, when we ask mothers how they strike a balance, it is not just up to them. They need an entire ecosystem to support and step up when needed.

I think I got it from my father. I don’t think he realised that he taught me this nor did he say it in so many words, but he did it for me and I hope to do it for my children. I wish to give my kids enough security in life, so they are able to take risks and make strong decisions for themselves. I think that’s the best you can do apart from giving them a good moral compass. My biggest fear is what if my child grows up to be someone who is not nice. What if he lacks empathy?

Hard work. There’s no substitute. I hope to teach him to be conscientious and earnest. These are things that take you far in life and attract the right people around you.

First of all, don’t judge other parents and go easy on yourself too. I think everything that I said I would never do with my baby is now on my to-do list. I have ended up doing all of those things. When my baby was born, I thought I would never give formula…that it is disgusting and processed. But I couldn’t keep up. I was so exhausted by the time he was five months old, I gave the bottle. And, I felt such relief. The desire to exclusively breastfeed has become such a big thing for moms. But that’s (formula-feeding) a choice I made for my mental health. I was very judgy before that, but when you go through it yourself, you understand. I totally get other moms now. When I was flying back from Delhi the other day, I saw this mom struggling with her three year old because he wouldn’t be strapped down in the seat next to her. You’re not allowed to take the child on the lap anymore. The kid was hysterical, and the air hostess kept telling the mother to calm the baby down. So, she just picked up a phone and gave it to him and he calmed down. I totally understand this because a three year old cannot sit by himself. I used to think I would never give screen time to my child, but I totally get it now. I used to also say I would not keep crayons in the house because the walls would get dirty. Now we have crayons and markers all over the house. You cannot enter my house without bumping into a tricycle or stepping on a Lego. That’s just how life is.

I think this has happened because a huge chunk of social interaction has been taken out from kids’ lives. When we were growing up, we had a very strong friend circle in the building or colony. This is not the case now, at least where I live in Bangkok. So, we need to fill in the void. And an adult brain is only going to be able to come up with music classes, dance classes or language classes. You can’t be imaginative with your child because you’re not that age. In big cities, we have lost that culture of evening play time and making friends without having a contrived play date, supervised by nannies all the time. I think it’s a shame.