Like son, like father: Some parents discover they’re autistic after their child’s diagnosis

Moms and dads say they had no idea they were on the spectrum until their children were diagnosed and they began to see similarities between their struggles
Bengaluru resident Preeti Dixit was devastated when she was told there was something 'wrong' with her two-year-old son Rohan shortly before he was diagnosed with autism. The reason she never felt there was anything amiss was because she faced the same challenges as Rohan and considered them a normal part of life. It was only as the years went by that Dixit realised that while she and Rohan were very similar to each other, they were different from others around. When Rohan was 15, Dixit started suspecting she was autistic too. After a thorough assessment, she got officially diagnosed as autistic three years ago at the age of 45. “The diagnosis changed my life in a fundamental way. It gave me answers to questions I had about myself all my life,” says Dixit, who goes by ‘Autistic mom to an autistic boy’ on LinkedIn.
Dixit is not the only parent who discovered her autism in the process of raising a neurodivergent child. As more and more kids are being diagnosed with autism owing to greater awareness and better diagnostic tools, many parents too are getting a ‘late-diagnosis’ in their 30s or 40s. Though no research has been done to gather data on this trend, experts say this is “a phenomenon” these days. “We have been seeing a lot of parents getting diagnosed with autism after their child’s diagnosis,” says special educator Sudhanshu Grover who used to work with Action for Autism. Grover, who has been working with autistic individuals for three decades, says they always came across parents who would come with their child and say, “He is just like me” or that “She plays the way I used to” but now parents are coming forward for their own assessment.
Considering the role of genetics in autism spectrum disorder has been established by multiple studies, we can now say that autism runs in families. Grover believes it should become a protocol for parents and siblings of kids diagnosed with autism to go for an assessment. The Mumbai resident, who has twin autistic boys, speaks from experience. She was officially diagnosed at the age of 50. She missed her own diagnosis even though she was raising her sons — they are 28 now and had been diagnosed with autism at the age of three — and working with affected families. “It took me so long because I was comparing myself to the stereotypes that exist. But I wasn’t clapping my hands, walking on my toes or spinning in circles. The way autism is explained in books is so different from real life,” says Grover. Dixit agrees: “The understanding of autism that psychologists have is based primarily on the behaviour you observe in kids with autism. So, unless an adult has classic autism with obvious symptoms, it does not get picked.”

Experts believe autism is often missed or misdiagnosed in women because most of the research is based on how the condition presents in males. Dixit had been experiencing severe anxiety from her teen years and had consulted many doctors and mental health professionals. They diagnosed her with generalised anxiety disorder and misdiagnosed her with certain other disorders, but no doctor sent her for an autism assessment. “A few years before my diagnosis I directly asked a psychiatrist if I could have autism, but she dismissed my query saying ‘You talk so well. You are social. It is not possible’.”
She rues that even most mental health professionals observe only external behaviour, not realising that the autistic person may have ‘masked' their behaviour over the years. Masking is a coping strategy which involves suppressing certain behaviours that others find ‘weird’ and mimicking other acceptable behaviours. “It is easy to diagnose a person with strong symptoms and high support needs, but psychologists still don’t know what to look for in autistic persons who are independent, successful and have low support needs,” says Dixit.

Mumbai-based writer-producer Ashiish Patil, who was formally diagnosed with autism at the age of 50, too feels that spotting autism is a concern. “As a kid, there were things about me that I didn’t understand. As a teenager, I ignored these things and as an adult, I learned to mask them,” says the ex-MTV CEO.
Patil had been living in the world of autism for more than a decade and a half — his son Risshan, 19, was diagnosed with autism at the age of two and a half years — before he figured that what his son was experiencing was a hyper-accentuated version of things that he experienced too. “I am very auditory sensitive…the sound of the fan or even the sound of someone chewing loudly would drive me bonkers. I used to think I am just being eccentric. But when I saw Risshan struggling with the same, it dawned on me that I may be autistic too,” he says, adding that it took him a few years to muster the courage to go for a formal assessment — clinical psychologists interview the person concerned, family members, friends and conduct various psychological tests over a few months to reach a conclusion.
Patil has a funny take on his situation. “People say ‘like father, like son’. In our case, it was ‘like son, like father’,” he laughs. “I feel bad for my wife as she is sandwiched between two neurodivergent men. But she at least knows there is a reason for our eccentricities.”

Parents point out that getting their own diagnosis, as late as it may be, helps them understand themselves and their children better. Goa mom Rebecca Manari, who went for an assessment a year after her youngest, aged 6, was diagnosed, points out that the realisation that she is on the spectrum helped her become gentle with herself and her kids. “I can easily put myself in his (youngest child) shoes to understand his needs better,” she says.
Manari has also stopped comparing her kids to their peers. She now sets the standard for them based on her own understanding. “My diagnosis has made me realise that no matter where you are in life, and what you have or haven’t achieved, it is all okay. I too can celebrate every single milestone no matter what that milestone looks like to another person. Who decides what a milestone is? I now decide that for myself and my kids. Others need not understand,” she says.
Patil says his diagnosis improved his parenting game. “By the time I got diagnosed, Risshan was already 15. We had already done so much reading about autism, and we were already being patient. But I have become more so as I can understand him like no one else can. My wife may know my son better than anyone else in the world, but there’ll be things which only I will understand,” he says, “Like, I know why he goes bananas when I stack those plates up in the kitchen. I get the exact emotion, the exact physical feeling. I feel the same when he spreads the plates out. So, I have learned to let go. I let him spread the plates the way he likes. I will stack them once he leaves but at that time, I let him do what he pleases.”
Dixit points out that the diagnosis not only strengthened her bond with her son — she considers him a mentor as he is more experienced with autism while she is a newbie — it also improved her married life. “My husband and I have different communication styles and that used to lead to so much tension between us. He has become a lot more accommodating and less judgmental because now he knows why I am the way I am,” she says, adding that she is extremely sensitive to sound and textures (she can wear only cotton and can’t bear the sounds coming from the television or stay in a room which is noisy.)
Dixit also became kinder to herself after her diagnosis. “I used to feel like an inadequate person. People in my extended family are very social. There was so much pressure to meet people that I used to have meltdowns and hate myself for it.”