When sympathy fades: Finding strength in your own healing

“Thappad” released in 2020 was an inspiring yet feel-good story. It was the story of a loving housewife, played by Taapsee Pannu who has a successful and charming husband. Their marriage isn’t overtly toxic although there are obvious undertones of patriarchy. One day her husband slaps her at a house party when he is disturbed due to a professional set-back. The slap makes her see the underlying inequalities in her marriage and she decides to part ways. Towards the end of the movie everyone including her parents, mother-in-law, her lawyer and surprisingly even her husband who realised she couldn’t be taken for granted have new found respect for her. It ends with her exiting the court with her head held high. Yes, it feels good because her courage of breaking out of socially approved and seemingly perfect marriage due to injustice is quite refreshing. However, if this had a part-2 how would it look? The initial peace and righteousness she felt with her decision would eventually fade just as every emotion does over time. The melancholy of routine would set in and she would start sensing a void. She would start missing the good moments with her husband, ecosystem of marriage and her routine household responsibilities. Yes, her friends and family lauded her courage but over time they would go on with their own lives. Initially they would understand her loneliness but they would say it was her own decision. In other cases, like death of a loved one, being abandoned by a partner or a serious illness even when it is not your own choice, few months down the line you are expected to be “normal”.
The journey of recovery is long even after initial grief ends. The longer part of the journey is also solitary. Most of the supporters who would be around at the beginning would expect you to accept reality in a reasonable period of time. Although even months after the loss you may not have found answers as to why a person behaved in a certain way or why things ended the way they did or why life took a sudden unfortunate turn. These thoughts come to your mind everyday, probably even after a year of loss. Sometimes these are the first thoughts you wake up with. However, as time passes even discussing these with family and friends is frustrating. “You should move on now”, “you already know the answers!” or “we have discussed all of this before”, are the responses you’re more likely to get. When friends do hear you out, you yourself feel guilty for boring them with the same old emotional story. Personally, I have seen two such journeys in a short period of time. My own loss where I was advised to stop talking about it and move on after a few months. I also saw a close friend deal with the death of a loved one where I couldn’t hold up as a care giver for very long and expected her to move on.
The common realisation in both these situations was that the person suffering is responsible for their own recovery, while others can only intermittently support.
I also realised that while sympathy withers with time your own resilience slowly grows and takes over.
Pursuing a hobby, exercising, forming new connections, taking one day at a time, seeking therapy and resting well are helpful tools to cope. Each of these tools slowly help in building a sustainable emotion called “self-reliance”.
If you think deeper, you probably have the best explanations to your unanswered questions. You don’t really need the departed to return and give you these answers.
While you may still wake up thinking about the loss every day, you’re able to convince yourself to get out of the bed and carry on.
The lives of others around you remain unaffected, they may even have occasions to celebrate. When you attend these occasions with a smile, you have succeeded in explaining yourself that jealousy isn’t a helpful emotion. You learn to accept that everyone will lead their lives as destined.
Then there are these slow weekends where you don’t have plans or people to meet. The thoughts about the personal loss come back all at once as if the void itself wasn’t painful. You may cry for some time and then get up to make a cup of tea for yourself. You would probably sit in your favourite corner sipping that cup of tea. You know life has hit a tough spot and may not turn around quickly, regaining health, success or finding a meaningful relationship may still take time. However, you have taken over control, the moment you choose to stop crying and decide to prepare tea. This small act of self-care requires immense strength. Every such moment of explaining yourself and taking care of yourself counts.
A dear friend’s mother once told me that one who comes out of a storm never remains the same and that’s what storms are about. Such meaningful thoughts shared by well-wishers during my tough phase became a permanent part of my emotional library. Kind words, heartfelt hugs and shoulders to cry on have definitely helped to make the journey easier. However, even when you don’t have these but choose to hug yourself, a beautiful chapter of healing through self-reliance has begun. This journey of self-reliance which begins after others’ sympathy withers is likely to have a significant impact in shaping your character and course of life!
Authored by: Gauri Shidhaye
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