"Iddah was my time to heal, mourn and reflect after my husband’s death"

She doesn’t go to social functions, she doesn’t wear makeup or clothing to ‘attract attention’.

"Just put your lipstick on, you’ve already lost so much - don’t let them take that away from you."

"He was your husband, you lost him, grieve the way that works for you, don’t follow laws from over a thousand years ago."

"Come out for lunch, we’ll cheer you up, you shouldn’t hide alone at home."

Just some of the comments well-meaning friends said to me when my husband died.

Iddah can be interpreted in many ways, at its simplest form, it’s a time a widow doesn’t re-marry, traditionally to protect her from rushing into a rebound relationship, and the gossip that follows.

Some advise being extra sombre in appearance and to even refrain from wearing any fragrance during this period. I shunned make up and I limited my outings to responsibilities and activities with my toddler son.

And to my surprise I found both comfort and wisdom in ancient scripture. 

This was my time, to heal, to mourn, to reflect. The relationship between a husband and wife is so sacred that perhaps it takes longer for the souls of the living to mourn the souls of their departed mates.

I didn’t need to be going to parties or to dinners and faking my interest in being there, I didn’t need to hide behind my usual mask of make-up, I didn’t need to make small talk and ask how everyone else was doing, when inside I was breaking.

A good friend (jokingly?) said my lack of face paint was enough to deter any unwanted suitors, without me needing to take a break from the social scene.

But I valued my iddah period - I had time, the luxury of time, to cocoon myself.

Many ask why Islam has ‘imposed’ iddah on a bereaved wife and not on a husband who would surely also be mourning? But when a Muslim man’s wife passes away he doesn’t have the ‘time-off’ that iddah offers to women.

I asked Shaykh Ahmed Saad from the Ihsan Institute based in Birmingham, why that may be?

"Iddah is required in Muslim Law for women; but there is no indication that a man should not spend time in mourning as well when his wife passes away. The only difference is that it is in the canonical laws of Fiqh for women while, it does not have the same status for men. There are different sides to why women are required to observe iddah and I can count the following:

A period of healing

It is a period of healing for a woman who may, under the shock of it all, be vulnerable and subject to manipulation of any new marriage proposal. It is a time for her to heal and gather herself to see where she wants to go and what she wants to do.

Pregnancy and inheritance

It is a necessary period of time to confirm that a woman is not pregnant since pregnancy means the whole process of inheritance needs to be revisited in light of a potential new member of the family.

Time off 

There are social reasons too, since it gives a woman time off from the public scene and therefore protect her dignity; she can still go out to run her necessary affairs. One may think that since we live in Europe, this social context is not there. But the reality is, religious rulings are universal in nature and they consider all contexts.

Re-alignment

It provides space for a woman to realign herself in life and think how she is going to proceed financially if she had been dependent on her husband’s income. It is a period of planning for a smooth shift into the life ahead of her.”

It certainly offered me some uninterrupted time to heal, and the space to process how I was going to handle life without the man I had planned it with. I welcomed that time and sometimes wish it could have lasted for longer – but everything comes to an end, so it’s time to dry those eyes, cover them with mascara and deal with living.