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Four Rooms Script
(Edit)
"Four Rooms"
by
Allison Anders
Alexandre Rockwell
Robert Rodriguez
Quentin Tarantino
MAIN TITL!
As "resentation credits begin# we $ear %o$nny &as$'s "(ome o) t$e
*lues+" T$en we see Allison's name# under it Alex's# under t$at
Robert's# under t$at Quentin's# t$en under t$at t$e title logo )or Four
Rooms# )ollowed by "!tarring Tim Rot$ as t$e *ellboy+" T$en "T$e
,uests" listed in al"$abetical order o) all t$e actors "laying guests+
A)ter t$e actors' names# we + + +
FA- ./ 0N A 1ALL
T$e camera "ans down a weat$ered wall co2ered wit$ "ostcards )rom Miami
*eac$# Florida# t$e &o"acabana# N+3+&+# "1is$ 3ou 1ere (ere" )rom
Niagara Falls# ricks$aws and babes on beac$es# etc + + + +
T$e camera comes to rest on an old "$otogra"$ o) a 4567s $otel# t$e
"Mon !ignor#" in its $eyday# wit$ a )ull sta)) o) 67 "eo"le "osed on
t$e lawn in )ront+
An old guy wit$ a staccato 2oice deli2ers a monologue8
90I&:09R
T$ere used to be a sta)) o) )i)ty in t$is "lace+ I'm t$e only
one le)t )rom t$ose days+ It all comes down to one sa"8 t$e
nig$t:s$i)t bell$o"# t$at's me+ 1$at t$e $ell is a bell$o";
3ou know w$ere t$e name comes )rom;
<silence=
0) course not+ + + + It's so sim"le it's stu"id+ T$ey ring a bell
and you $o"+ 3ou $o" to )ront and center+ No $eroes in t$is
line# kid+ %ust men doing a >ob+ No ?uestions asked# none
answered+ I try to kee" it sim"le# kid# not too "ersonal+ + + +
Anot$er 2oice o) a young man interru"ts+
T-
3ou met any o) t$ose old stars;
T( 0L- ,.3
!tars@ Are you kidding me; I took Rin Tin Tin out )or a
s$it# )or &$rist's sakes+ I taug$t !$irley Tem"le $ow to
roller:skate+ I saw Fatty Arbuckle regurgitate t$ree c$eese
sandwic$es rig$t on t$e s"ot you're sitting# kid+ 1$at did
you say your name was;
T-
Ted+
T( 0L- ,.3
Ted# rig$t+ I remember Marilyn used to come down at nig$t
and doze o)) in t$e kitc$en+ !$e liked t$e sound o) t$e )ans
out back s"inning around+ !ure# t$ese were stars# kid+ rrol
Flynn used to call me "Alibi+" 3ou'll "ick u" a )ew stories
yoursel)# kid+
T-
I don't t$ink so# not like yours+
T( 0L- ,.3
1$at do you t$ink a star does w$en $e goes to t$e bat$room# kid;
T-
*eats me+
T( 0L- ,.3
(e "ulls $is "ants down and takes a cra" >ust like you and
me+ Take my word )or it+
A wis" o) smoke "asses o2er a na"kin "inned to t$e wall wit$ a li"
"rint on it signed "Marilyn+" T$e camera "ulls back to re2eal Ted and
t$e 0ld ,uy sitting on a )oldout cot in a small back room o) t$e (otel
Mon !ignor+ T$e old man is dressed in a stri"ed T:s$irt wit$ a
bell$o"'s ca" on+ (e looks like an old "irate+ Next to $im on t$e bed
sits Ted# a young guy wit$ a bell$o" >acket dra"ed o2er $is knees+ T$e
old bell$o" takes a long drag o)) a big cigar+
T( 0L- ,.3
&amac$o@
T-
1$o;
T( 0L- ,.3
T$e cigar+ &uban+ A good cigar# wra""ed in Miami+ I get a
box o) t$em e2ery &$ristmas )rom t$e c$airman o) t$e
board+ I t$ink $e sends t$em to me to kee" my mout$ s$ut+
It's toug$ not to get a little "ersonal in t$is business+
T$e old bell$o" takes a $it o)) $is cigar and stares down at $is ca"#
lost in t$oug$t+
T-
1$at do you mean;
T$e old guy "asses t$e ca" o2er to Ted+
T( 0L- ,.3
/ut it on+
Ted "uts t$e ca" on+
T( 0L- ,.3
Frankly# you look stu"id + + + like t$e /$ili" Morris guy+ I
can't belie2e I wore t$at t$ing )or )i)ty years+ 3ou kee" it+
T$e 0ld ,uy gets u" )rom t$e bed and t$rows a >acket on+ /ulls a )ew
"ostcards o)) t$e wall# t$rows t$em in an old straw suitcase# and slams
t$e lid down+ (e $eads )or t$e door+ Ted )ollows+
T( 0L- ,.3
!tay away )rom nig$t clerks# kids# $ookers# and marital dis"utes+
T$e 0ld ,uy "auses )or a second and looks Ted dead in t$e eye+
T( 0L- ,.3
Ne2er $a2e sex wit$ t$e clientele+
T-
No way# not me+ 3ou got any ot$er ad2ice+
T( 0L- ,.3
Always get a ti"+
T$e door slams s$ut on t$e back room+
INT+ (0TL L0**3::T1ILI,(T
T$e big em"ty lobby o) t$e Mon !ignor+ 3ou can tell t$at at one "oint
t$is used to be a swank "lace+ It still is# kinda+ It's also kinda
decre"it+ T$e concierge::a sna""y# )ast:talking# red:$aired young woman
in a blue blazer named *etty::stands be$ind t$e rece"tion desk+ T$e old
man# suitcase in $and# makes a beeline t$roug$ t$e lobby# $eading
toward t$e )ront door+ *etty sees $im+
*TT3
!am@ (ey# !am# wait a minute@
T$e 0ld ,uy sto"s in $is tracks and turns around+
T( 0L- ,.3
1$at;
*etty comes )rom be$ind t$e desk+
*TT3
I >ust want to say good:bye+
T( 0L- ,.3
1$o are you;
*TT3
.$$$# *etty+ T$e concierge+ 3our boss+
T$e 0ld ,uy s?uints $is eyes at t$e young gal+
T( 0L- ,.3
0$ yea$+ ,otta lig$t# sister; ,oddam cigar went out+
*TT3
3ea$# sure+
!$e s"eaks to t$e 0ld ,uy as s$e lig$ts $is cigar and $e "u))s away+
*TT3
I >ust want you to know# )rom t$e owner and all t$e sta))#
your )i)ty years o) ser2ice $a2e been an ins"iration to us all+
3ou're a legend in your own time# and t$e Mon !ignor will
ne2er be t$e::
T( 0L- ,.3
%ust )orward my cigars# Red+
<(e turns around t$e walks out# saying o2er $is s$oulder=
Au)wiederse$en@
*etty is le)t standing in t$e lobby+ Ted a""ears be$ind $er in $is
bellbody uni)orm# sans ca"+
T-
!am t$e bellboy+ Now t$ere was a man+
*TT3
3ea$+ 0$# $i# Teddy+ Ready to start t$e nig$t s$i)t;
T-
3ea$+
*TT3
1ell# let me buy you a drink+
T-
3ou wanna buy me a drink; I'm starting my s$i)t+
*TT3
3ou're not an alco$olic# are youA one drink won't kill you+
T-
3ea$# sure+
T$ey walk out o) )rame+ In t$e em"ty )rame we
!./R8 N1 3AR'! 9 B877 /+M+
INT+ *A&C R00M::NI,(T
*etty and Ted sit in t$e back room# bot$ wit$ drinks in t$eir $and+
T$is dialogue is to be deli2ered ra"id )ire# (oward (awks style+
*TT3
A)ter )i)ty years# !am retires# and you're taking o2er t$e nig$t s$i)t+
T-
&orrect+
*TT3
3ou're )illing some mig$ty big s$oes+
T-
0$# I know+
*TT3
!am was a legend in t$e $otel business+
T-
0$# I know + + +
*TT3
A bell$o"'s bell$o"+
T-
An ins"iration to us all+
*TT3
(e ran t$e nig$t desk )or )i)ty years# all by $imsel)+
T-
An amazing man+
*TT3
No desk clerk+ No nig$t man+ No $el"+ %ust )uckin' !am#
and $is wits+
T-
A man alone+
*TT3
And you're gonna do t$e same+
T-
I know+
*TT3
Tonig$t+
Ted s"ews $is drink+
T-
Tonig$t@
*TT3
3es# tonig$t+
T-
I can't+
*TT3
3es# you can+
T-
No# I can't+ I ne2er worked t$e nig$t s$i)t be)ore+
*TT3
0$ nig$t s$i)t::smig$t s$i)t+
T-
1e were su""osed to work it toget$er+
*TT3
I know# but I can't+
T-
1$y not;
*TT3
I'm $a2ing a New 3ear's 2e "arty+
T-
!ince w$en;
*TT3
Actually# I'm not $a2ing it+ My roommate is+ And t$ere's
t$is guy+ ,erman guy+ (e's gonna be t$ere+ And so am I+
T-
I can't run t$is "lace by mysel)+
*TT3
0$# sure ya can+
T-
No# I can't+
*TT3
!am ran t$is "lace by $imsel) )or )i)ty years+
T-
3ea$# and $e $ad )i)ty years o) )uckin' "ractice# too+ I
$a2en't $ad a day+
*TT3
Look# Teddy# calm down::
T-
::-on't call me Teddy+
*TT3
Ted# t$e nig$t's cake+ It's easy+ T$e day's w$en it's busy+
-uring t$e nig$t t$ere's not$ing to do+
T-
It's New 3ear's 2e+
*TT3
1$ic$'ll make it less busy t$an normal+ 2er worked on
&$ristmas; .nless you sell turkeys# business is dead+ 3ou
>ust got butter)lies# t$at's all+
T-
1$at I $a2e ain't butter)lies+ I can't $andle t$is $otel all by mysel)+
*etty slows t$e scene down+
*TT3
0kay# let's calm down a minute+ !low it down# cool it o))+
Let's >ust talk+
T-
3ou can say any goddamn t$ing you want::
*TT3
::Ted; I t$oug$t we were calming down; I t$oug$t we were
cooling o)); No $ostility+ !ay good:bye to $ostility+ 1e're
>ust talking+
T-
0kay + + + okay + + + okay + + + I'm calm# I'm cool# let's talk+
*TT3
Ted# in a nuts$ell# all you $a2e to do is $old t$e )ort+ It's
New 3ear's 2e+ Most o) t$e guests are going out+ 3ou'll
>ust be gi2ing t$em a little nod as t$ey come staggering in
at t$ree + + + )our + + + )i2e + + + in t$e morning+ Nobody's
$a2ing any "arties# a )ew get:toget$ers# but no "arties+ 3ou
got about t$ree "eo"le c$ecking in tonig$t# t$at's it+ T$e
only 2ariable is &$ester Rus$ in t$e "ent$ouse+
T-
&$ester Rus$; T$e guy )rom T$e 1acky -etecti2e;
*TT3
3ea$# $im and $is entourage c$ecked in last nig$t+ T$ey're
in t$e "ent$ouse+ T$e only reason I re)er to it as a 2ariable
is t$at $e's a mo2ie star+ 3a ne2er know about mo2ie stars+
I'm tellin' ya# Ted# it's cake+
*etty takes a "iece o) "a"er and writes $er number down+
*TT3
<continuing=
And look# i) you $a2e any "roblems# call me at t$e "arty+
Ted t$inks about it )or a moment+
T-
0kay+
*TT3
,reat::
T-
::For )i)ty bucks+
*TT3
Fi)ty bucks@
T-
3ou're s$irking your duties )or t$is Nazi+ For t$at you "ay
a "rice# and t$e "rice is )i)ty bucks+
*TT3
0ne# (orst is not a Nazi+ Two# t$at's not a )air "rice+ 3ou're
taking ad2antage o) t$e situation+ Twenty bucks+ Now#
twenty bucks is a )air "rice+
T-
3ea$# but w$at you're doin' to me ain't )air+ And# you are
com"letely and totally taking ad2antage o) me and your
"osition+ !o )i)ty bucks is t$e "er)ect "rice+
*etty begrudgingly digs in $er "urse+
*TT3
0kay# but don't be a "ussy+ 3ou don't bot$er me unless it's
an emergency+ In )act# )or )i)ty bucks# you better not call me
unless t$e )uckin' building's burning down+
!$e gi2es $im t$e money+
*TT3
,et ready to take t$e desk+
*etty lea2es+
Ted sits in t$e c$air# takes anot$er drink# and "re"ares $imsel) )or
t$e nig$t+
FA- T0 *LA&C
!T0R3 TITL &AR-8
room 6D4
"!TRAN, *R1"
FA- IN8
ET+ T( M0N !I,N0R (0TL::-.!C
Ted# t$e bellboy# meets $is )irst guest o) t$e e2ening# as a taxi
unloads $er luggage+ To $is warm sur"rise# t$e guest is a *eauti)ul
Mediterranean ,oddess <actually# we will come to see s$e is not
tec$nically a goddess# but a (ig$ /riestess=+ !$e is about DF years
old# s"eaks wit$ an Italian accent and is dressed in ,y"sy garb+ !$e is
At$ena+
Ted takes At$ena's luggage onto $is cart+ *ut one item in a wo2en
Moroccan bag "ro2es to be unbearably $ea2y+ At$ena is concerned as $e
attem"ts to li)t it+
AT(NA
/leeze be care)ul::my ,od+ 3ou $a2e no idea + + +
Ted strains as $e uses all $is co>ones to li)t t$e insanely $ea2y bag
onto t$e cart+ At$ena ti"s t$e cab dri2er# stingily+ T$e dri2er winces
and gets in t$e cab+ Ted $as now managed wit$ grunts and groans and
strained blood 2essels to "ut t$is t$ing on t$e cart+ T$e cab skids
away+ At$ena looks at Ted# w$o is out o) breat$+
AT(NA
I'm usually a good ti""er# but t$is one::t$is cab
dri2er::$e $ad green all around $im+ I don't like t$at in a man+
Ted w$eezes and "ounds on $is c$est+
T-
,reen; Is t$at bad; Like you read auras or somet$ing like t$at;
AT(NA
!omet$ing like t$at+
T-
3ea$# well w$at color are you seein' around me + + + $ow's
t$e ti" lookin;
AT(NA
I see "ur"le + + + in your )ace# and + + +
As i) s$e can't $el" $ersel)# At$ena's eyes are strangely drawn to $is
crotc$+ !$e )rowns# con)used by t$is im"ulse+ Ted a""ears to be
c$armingly obli2ious+
At$ena looks back into $is )ace+
AT(NA
+ + + you're okay+
Ted touc$es $is )ace::as i) searc$ing )or t$e ""ur"le" in it::and mo2es
t$e cart inside# discreetly c$ecking out $is crotc$ and gi2ing $er a
con)used side glance+
INT+ FR0NT -!C::-.!C
Ted s$i)ts $ats to c$eck t$e girl in+ (e c$ecks $er reser2ation+
AT(NA
At$ena G+
T-
<scratc$ing $is $ead::weird name# okay=
3ou're booked in t$e (oneymoon !uite::>ust one nig$t;
1it$ all t$is luggage;
AT(NA
I will only need to stay till sunrise+
T-
0kay + + + and $ow will you be "aying;
AT(NA
1it$ gold+
(e looks at t$is wacky ,y"sy c$ick numbly::s$e "ulls out $er ,old &ard
and smiles+
ET+ L9AT0R::-.!C
T$e doors o"en and Ted and At$ena emerge u"on t$e t$ird )loor+ Ted
)ollows At$ena wit$ t$e cart down t$e $allway to $er room+
AT T( (0N3M00N !.IT -00R
Ted o"ens t$e door# t$en li)ts t$e easiest bags )irst+ In t$e center o)
t$e room is a %acuzzi wit$ $okey "lastic cu"ids "oised wit$ urns on
eac$ side+ A dormant )ire"lace looms beyond t$e still $ot tub+
Ted stares at t$e $ea2y bag wit$ anxiety::t$en looks in )ront o) $im to
At$ena as s$e rubs t$e round "lastic $ead o) a little &u"id and
mumbles# "/er)ect+" T$en# arms o"en wide# c$in li)ted to $ea2en# eyes
closed# s$e mumbles a )aint incantation+ T$en s$e does a belly:dance
wiggle and turns to Ted# w$o is truly "er"lexed+
AT(NA
1ell::t$e ot$er bag::I need it+
T-
Rig$t+
(e starts to li)t it# again straining and turning "ur"le+ (e laug$s
sickly+
T-
1$at t$e $ell you got in $ere# lady; Nuclear wea"ons;
!$e relie2es $im o) t$e task and e))ortlessly "icks u" t$e bag+
AT(NA
<dryly=
T$e 1$ite &li))s o) -o2er+
Ted is stunned as s$e slings t$e bag o2er $er s$oulder and "auses to
"ull a 47 s"ot out o) $er clea2age+ !$e $ands it to $im+ Ted is
grate)ul and disoriented+
AT(NA
T$e ot$ers will be coming soon+ !end t$em# "leeze+
Ted nods# con)used by "t$e ot$ers#" and walks o)) wit$ t$e cart+ T$en
$e turns )rom outside t$e doorway+
T-
0$::I )orgot to s$ow you $ow to turn on t$e %acuzzi+
*ut At$ena is a$ead o) $im::s$e )li"s a switc$ and water begins to )low
)rom t$e baby cu"ids' urns into t$e $ot tub+
AT(NA
I been in dis' "lace many New 3ear's+ !o + + + you send t$e
ot$ers to me# $u$+ ,o now+
As s$e says t$is# t$e door closes wit$ a strange )orce# s$utting Ted
out+ At$ena takes t$e bag to t$e bedroom o) t$e suite+
IN T( !.IT *-R00M
A round bed wit$ "ink tuck'n'roll $eadboard+ It's im"ossible to imagine
$a2ing an orgasm in t$is room::unless it were ac$ie2ed by laug$ing+
At$ena care)ully remo2es a large# beauti)ul w$ite slab o) stone )rom
$er ta"estry bag+ !$e caresses it and carries it like a baby to t$e bed
and "laces it in t$e 2ery center# t$e $ead o) t$e rock resting on dusty
$eart:s$a"ed "illows+
T$en s$e remo2es )rom $er bag a "ink negligee and matc$ing $ig$:$eeled
sli""ers+ And t$ese s$e "laces wit$ re2erance on t$e bed+
AT(NA
0n t$is nig$t# o$ great goddess -iana# we restore your
2irgin )les$ and bring you back to real li)e+
&L0! 0N t$e rock slab+ 1e $old t$e arti)act+
AT(NA
!oon::I take you to t$e "ond )or a cleansing+ 1ell# it's a
swimming "ool# but it will be under t$e setting sun# okay;
INT+ FR0NT -!C::-.!C FALL!
%ust as Ted is reco2ering )rom t$e mystery o) t$is )irst guest# ls"et$
arri2es+ !$e $as skin like marble# t$e body o) 9enus# "iercing blue
eyes# blond $air and is dressed all in black clot$ing# like (oney 1est
in a rubber dress+ !$e carries se2eral bags# and a sil2er sword on $er
s$oulder+
T-
May I $el" you;
L!/T(
I + + + we + + + $a2e a reser2ation+
T$en s$e sna"s# irritated# be$ind $er+
L!/T(
Ci2a@
AN,L 0N a young "unk rocker c$ick wit$ long orange $air# a long
leat$er coat# wearing a tig$t T:s$irt wit$ studs s"elling "/.!!3"
across $er breasts+ T$is is Ci2a+
Ci2a is kicking t$e tar and nicotine outta t$e cigarette mac$ine+ %ust
as Ted's eyes grow wide wit$ anxiety# se2eral "acks o) smokes dro" into
t$e >u2enile delin?uent's $ands+
CI9A
1ait u"# gawd@ I $ad to get su""lies )or t$is boring ass nig$t+
L!/T(
<to Ted=
1e $a2e a reser2ation in t$e (oneymoon !uite+
T-
0$ yea$ + + + you must be one o) "t$e ot$ers+" And w$at're
you carrying::t$e Rock o) ,ibraltar;
!$e stares at $im wit$out $umor+ (e )umbles )or t$e key+ (e walks
around t$e desk to $el" $er wit$ $er black crocodile luggage+ %ars
clang inside+ (e is ready to go# but ls"et$ turns to lecture Ci2a on
t$e $azards o) smoking# as Ci2a lig$ts u"+
L!/T(
1$at'd I tell you about smoking;
CI9A
3ou smoke+
L!/T(
T$at's rig$t::I smoke# and I'm addicted to it# and I don't
want t$e same t$ing to $a""en to you+
CI9A
<in game:s$ow $ost 2oice=
"(ello::welcome to t$is week's edition o) t$e (y"ocrite o)
t$e 3ear Award::"
As Ci2a goes o)) on $er im"ression o) a game:s$ow $ost# ls"et$ is
growing increasingly rage)ul# like a mot$er wit$ an unruly c$ild+ Ted
waits# luggage in $and+
L!/T(
Ci2a@ T$at's enoug$::
!$e cuts Ci2a's ramble o))+ Ci2a blows smoke de)iantly+
CI9A
3ou're not my mot$er@
L!/T(
3es I am+
CI9A
T$en w$y're we slee"ing toget$er;
Ted looks on uneasily at t$e relations$i" t$at is beginning to un)old
$ere+ ls"et$ c$ecks $is reaction and becomes sel):conscious at $is
scrutiny+
L!/T(
1ell + + + I didn't mean it + + + literally+ I + + + I $a""en to be
t$e only one w$o + + + cares about you::
*ut $er wild c$ild looks o))# bored+ ls"et$ turns to Ted# )lustered+
L!/T(
/lease::take us to our room@
Ted smiles uneasily and reac$es to relie2e $er o) $er sword# but
ls"et$ ?uickly slams $er "alm on t$e sword and s$oots $im a "iercing
glare+ (e >um"s back wit$ a lig$t ner2ous laug$+ (e leads t$e way to
t$e ele2ator+
AT T( (0N3M00N !.IT -00R
T$e couc$ $as been set out $ere in t$e $all# as well as co))ee tables#
lam"s# and t$e T9+ ls"et$ and Ci2a enter t$e room+ At$ena is gone+ As
Ted stumbles around t$e )urniture in t$e $all# $e "eers in t$e room and
see a trans)ormation+ 1it$ most o) t$e )urniture remo2ed# candles and
incense and )lowers are beginning to )orm an altar around t$e
)ire"lace+
*ut oddest o) all is t$e "ink:tinged water swirling in t$e %acuzzi and
"ouring )rom t$e cu"id urns+ A s"rinkle o) w$ite "owder on t$e car"et
encircles t$e $ot tub+ ls"et$ $ands $im a ti" as $e gawks at t$e
circle+
L!/T(
Flea "owder+ 0ne o) t$e ot$ers is bringing $er cat+
Ted starts away again# "er"lexed+ (e turns )or one last look to see
ls"et$ kneeling be)ore Ci2a# w$o s"rawls on t$e )loor+ (e s$akes $is
$ead and lea2es+
L!/T(
3ou're gonna $a2e to wait in t$e ot$er room+
CI9A
1$y;
L!/T(
*ecause I said so+
CI9A
I'll watc$ T9+
L!/T(
3ou can't watc$ T9 because t$e noise will inter)ere wit$
our ritual+
Ci2a looks around t$e room and s"ies t$e T9 in t$e $allway+ !$e turns
to ls"et$ wit$ sarcastic concession+
CI9A
0kay + + + Mommy+
ls"et$ bristles as t$e brat saunters o)) to t$e bedroom+ ls"et$
enters t$e sacred circle# stands be)ore t$e altar# w$i"s out $er sword#
and makes a ceremonial gesture "ointing t$e sword u"ward# "er)ectly
centered between $er breasts+
Ci2a# be$ind ls"et$'s back# exits )rom t$e bedroom doorway into t$e
$all and comes back in# lugging t$e T9 into t$e $oneymoon bedroom+
ls"et$ kneels be)ore t$e altar+ At$ena enters t$e room wit$ t$e
"cleansed" arti)act and lays t$e slab in t$e center o) t$e altar u"on
t$e $eart:s$a"ed "illows as ls"et$ lays $er sword next to t$e rock+
T$e women look u"on t$e union wit$ tender a))ection+
AT(NA
!oon::our goddess will come+ I will go get $er negligee+
At$ena stands u" but $er re2erie is dis"elled as s$e s$rieks@ Loud T9
suddenly blasts )rom t$e bedroom and Ci2a t$e brat is trying on t$e
"ink negligee o2er $er clot$es+ At$ena takes t$e negligee o)) t$e
irre"ressible yout$+
AT(NA
1$at are you doing@ (a2e you no res"ect::w$o::w$o is
dis girl;
L!/T(
Ci2a+ My )riend+ Ci2a# turn o)) t$e T9@ I can't lea2e $er at
$ome::s$e's on "robation and I gotta kee" an eye on $er+
AT(NA
1ell# ls"et$# your )riend cannot stay $ere during t$e ritual+
!$e may be one o) your kind# but s$e is not one o) us+
L!/T(
!$e stays@@ 0r I go::along wit$ my o))ering@
T$e women $a2e a stare:down+ T$en At$ena calls out::
AT(NA
T.RN 0F T( F.&CIN, T9# MAN@
CI9A
<in a seducti2e "out=
Make me + + +
ls"et$ becomes anxious wit$ >ealousy+ At$ena is exas"erated as s$e
)irmly demands )rom ls"et$::
AT(NA
Let's not )orget::I am t$e (ig$ Fucking /riestess+ -eal
wit$ dis girl@
ls"et$ de)ers to At$ena wit$ remembered re2erance and res"ect+ !$e
bows a"ologetic and scurries to t$e bedroom+
AT(NA
<eyes li)ted to $ea2en# wearily=
Tell me::did we $a2e t$ese "roblems in !alem; I don't
t$ink so + + +
IN T( *-R00M
ls"et$ swallows $er rage and a""roac$es t$e brat wit$ a so)t touc$+
L!/T(
Ci2a + + + you know w$at I lo2e about you;
Ci2a smirks + + + yea$# s$e knows+
L!/T(
3our sweet side+
CI9A
And w$at do I get i) I'm sweet;
L!/T(
3ou get w$ate2er you want+ And you know w$at else I lo2e
about you;
CI9A
<seduced now=
1$at;
L!/T(
3our nose+
And saying t$is# s$e kisses Ci2a's nose and lea2es t$e room+ Ci2a is
?uieted now+ As ls"et$ closes t$e bedroom door# s$e $as t$e last word+
L!/T(
And I saw you c$ecking $er out+
Ci2a slinks back on t$e bed# "ut in $er "lace::)or now+
IN T( (ALL1A3HET+ L9AT0R::-.!C
T$e doors o"en and Ted "us$es a cart o) ex"ensi2e designer luggage::and
lots o) it::be$ind yet anot$er ,orgeous ,al+ T$is one is %ezebel# a
!out$ern beauty# )awning o2er $er cat# as s$e carries not$ing else# and
"roceeds down t$e $all like a !out$ern "rincess+
%G*L
<talking to $er cat in baby talk=
0$ you little stinker + + + o$ you sweet little mu))in+ 3es + + +
Mama lo2es t$e baby+
AT T( -00R
%ezebel bursts in# c$attering+
%G*L
1ell# t$is is >ust darlin'@ %ust darlin' (i:dee# girls + + +
Ted carries all $er bags inside awkwardly+ Again# t$e "lace $as become
all t$e more tran)ormed wit$ wild cano"ies o) exotic clot$s and
)ixings+ ls"et$ and At$ena are $ard at work on a strange nature
scul"ture as %ezebel enters+ !$e stands inside t$e "owdered circle and
be)ore t$e $ot tub# w$ic$ now $as dark blue water swirling inside+ !$e
"resents $er cat::u"ward toward $ea2en::)rees t$e cat# bares $er
breasts and sucks in t$e 2ibes8 "A$$$$+"
Ted settles t$e bags down# $o"ing )or a "eek at $er c$arms# but $er
back is to $im+ T$e kitty rubs on $er leg+ !$e "icks it u" and "resses
it against $er bare breasts# "etting it sweetly+ !$e winks and $ands
$im a ti"+
%G*L
Toodle:loo+
And saying t$is# s$e s$oos $im away+ T$roug$ t$e glass doors to t$e
bedroom# s$e sees Ci2a s"rawled on t$e bed# writing on $ersel)+
%G*L
1ell::I see ls"et$ $as $ersel) a new lil' )ool::w$at t$e
$ell is s$e doin' $ere on our nig$t o) annual ritual;
AT(NA
<wearily=
I $a2e sanctioned $er "resence# as long as s$e be$a2es+
&ome on::t$ere is more work to be done to welcome our
great -iana+
CI9A
I 1ANT R00M !R9I&@@
L!/T(
1$y do I always attract girls w$o are looking )or a babysitter;
%G*L
1ell now# $oney# maybe %u2enile (all ain't t$e best "lace
to )ind serious relations$i" material+
ls"et$ seet$es at $er+ %ezebel acts blit$ely innocent+
IN T( (ALL1A3
Ted is walking )rom t$e room wit$ t$e cart+ (is )ace is etc$ed in a
mask o) "er"etual )rown as $e looks at t$e ti" in $is $and::at least
t$ese lunac$icks ti" well+
1aking $im out o) $is dee" mood is Ra2en+ Anot$er )emale intoxication#
s$e wears a s$ort skirt# all done u" in Nati2e American# !out$western
t$emes+ No s$oes+ *ut s$e carries a small# old $andmade broom+ !$e
mo2es down t$e $all# blissed:out+ Ted makes eye contact# des"ite
$imsel)+
RA9N
I'm looking )or t$e room )or making lo2e+
T-
3ou mig$t be re)erring to t$e (oneymoon !uite+ !traig$t
t$ata way + + + you can't miss it::see all t$at )urniture in
t$e $allway::
RA9N
0$ I know t$e way+ I >ust wanted you to know t$at I knew
w$ere I was going and t$at you needn't bot$er yoursel) wit$
me+ T$e ot$ers are $ere::great@
T-
<wearily=
0$ yea$::it's so great::it's )antastic+
RA9N
<in dee" em"at$y=
0$$$ + + + I know it all seems 2ery strange but you're co"ing
wit$ us muc$ better t$an t$e bellboys o) "ast New 3ear's+
T-
/ast New 3ear's;
RA9N
0$ yes::we'2e been coming $ere e2ery New 3ear + + + )or a
long time+ T$anks )or your "atience+
T-
0$ $ey::no "roblem::wreck t$e "lace+ *ring in cats+ Ruin
t$e car"et wit$ )lea "owder# "our "aint in t$e %acuzzi+
T$row t$e )urniture out t$e + + + w$ere're your bags;
RA9N
I tra2el 2ery lig$t+
Ted looks down at t$e broom at $er side# $er bare )eets# $er t$ick dark
$air+ It kee"s getting weirder+ !$e wanders o))+
INT+ FR0NT -!C::NI,(T
T$e last o) t$e lo2ely girls arri2es+ !$e is di))erent )rom t$e ot$ers+
!$e looks like a )arm girl# 2ery art$ Mot$er# wit$ a tableclot$ $alter
to" and skirt# sandals# and a sim"le scar) o2er $er long dark curls+
!$e carries two bags by $ersel) and $olds a small black "ot under $er
arm+ !$e is 2a+
T-
<already weary o) t$ese girls=
3ea$# yea$# (oneymoon !uite+
9A
0$ + + + yes + + + I'm late+
!$e lowers $er eyes# worried+
T-
All rig$t::lemme gi2e ya a $and+
9A
0$ + + + no# t$at's all rig$t+ I can carry t$em by mysel)+
!$e is so sweet and sincere t$at $e )eels like a $eel to $a2e been
irritated wit$ $er+ (e "icks u" $er bags+
T-
I'm a man doin' a >ob::no $ero+
2a smiles# beauti)ully+
9A
1ell gos$::t$ank you@
IN T( L9AT0R
Ted $olds 2a's $i""y sacks as s$e $olds $er black "ot+ T$ere is a s$y
?uiet tension $ere+
9A
Tell me# $ow long $a2e t$e ot$ers been $ere;
T-
About an $our+
2a's $eart sinks+ T$ey arri2e at t$e door+ (e carries $er bags in+
IN T( !.IT
T$e room is entirely trans)ormed into a beauti)ul glowing "alace wit$
an elaborate altar# bot$ eart$ly and t$e ot$er:eart$ly+ T$e ot$er )our
girls are arranging t$e altar as 2a enters+
AT(NA
3ou are 2ery late# 2a+
9A
I'm sorry# At$ena+ I was attending a birt$ and t$e "lacenta
was late in coming+
Ted is slig$tly ?ueasy+ !$e $ands $im a ti" and smiles# t$en takes it
back+
9A
0$# wait# lemme gi2e you a little more t$an t$at + + +
Ted's no )ool# $e waits w$ile 2a looks t$roug$ $er c$ange "urse+
L!/T(
1$ic$ birt$ is more im"ortant to you# t$at o) a mortal or
t$at o) a goddess;
9A
All li)e is "recious + + + but I do a"ologize )or being late# ls"et$+
%G*L
*ack $ome# t$ey >ist yank on t$e umbilical cord# do a Carate
c$o" on t$e mama's belly# and t$em t$ings come rig$t out+
9A
T$ey do t$at $ere# too# %ezebel# in t$e $os"itals# but it
causes $emorr$ages+ I )ed t$e mot$er a bowl o) com)rey tea
and it broug$t t$e a)terbirt$ down "er)ectly+ T$e cou"le
are going to use it )or )ertilizer to "lant a lo2ely tree )or t$eir
baby+
CI9A
0$ wow::i) t$ey were really back:to:nature# t$ey'd eat it#
like ot$er mammals do+
&L0! 0N Ted's )ace as $e gets t$oroug$ly grossed out+
RA9N
In some Nati2e American cultures# t$ey dry t$e umbilical
cord# grind it to a )ine "owder# and "ut it in a leat$er "ouc$
t$at t$e baby wears to ward o)) e2il+ *ut burying t$e "lacenta
is also a 2ery sound ecological "ractice::'cause o) t$e oxygen
it carries+
9A
<c$eer)ully to t$e ot$ers=
3es::because you see w$en t$e "lacenta detac$es )rom t$e
uterine wall + + +
T-
<wincing in disgust=
.$# t$ank you# ladies::I'll be going now+ I) you need anyt$ing::
2a "laces a nice ti" in $is "alm+
AT(NA
1ait+ 1e do need a )ew t$ings+
Ted sig$s as 2a enters t$e circle wit$ $er black "ot+ !$e kneels
so)tly# $olds $er $ands in "iety be)ore t$e altar# and so)tly incants
as s$e o))ers $er "ot and "laces it on t$e altar+ T$e stone and sword
and )lowers now rest $ere on "illows co2ered in c$i))on scar2es+ T$e
negligee $angs )rom t$e mantel# t$e sli""ers underneat$ as i) ex"ecting
someone to materialize into t$e garments+
AT(NA
1e need )res$ rosemary )rom t$e kitc$en+ Mostly w$at we
need is )rom t$e kitc$en+ (ey# are you listening;
Ted is watc$ing 2a# enc$anted+
T-
3ea$# yea$# rosemary+
AT(NA
And a little bit o) sea salt or Cos$er salt i) you don't got no
sea salt+ A bottle o) s"ring water::Italian "lease# not
Frenc$ s$it+
CI9A
And some )renc$ )ries@
L!/T(
Ci2a# s$ut u"+
AT(NA
<irritated=
And some ginger# two o) t$e eyes o) a trout )is$# and a "iece
o) raw meat# li2er i) you $a2e it+
CI9A
<w$ining=
I want )ries::you dumb >erks wit$ your stu"id )ucking ritual@
AT(NA
!$ut u"# you little s$it+
L!/T(
-on't talk to $er t$at way@
Ted $as scribbled down t$e items as s$e s"eaks+ (e looks at t$is list
and t$ese girls and s$udders as $e walks away+ (e turns# "oints at 2a+
Ted smiles at t$is angel o) a girl+ !$e smiles back+ *ut# as s$e looks
$im in t$e eyes# $e )eels a strange buzzing connection $a""ening+ (e
$olds $is $ead# almost swooning wit$ dizziness+ At$ena smirks+
AT(NA
,et to work# man+
Ted comes out o) $is daze# looks at t$e list again and $u))s o))+ A)ter
$e goes# t$e girls begin to bring )ort$ t$eir most treasured o))erings
in ornate ancient bottles# 2ases or 2ials+
%ezebel )olds $er arms and clears $er t$roat in t$e direction o) Ci2a#
sitting idly on t$e edge o) t$e blue water %acuzzi# wit$ $er )eet
di""ing irre2erently in t$e water+
L!/T(
Ci2a + + +
CI9A
1$at;
L!/T(
3ou $a2e to go in t$e next room now+
CI9A
0$# wow# like I'm bummed out t$at I can't watc$+
<w$ining at ls"et$=
I'm bored@
L!/T(
./@
!$e climbs u" t$e stairs# trying to "ull t$e brat to $er )eet+
CI9A
-on't "ut me in t$ere by mysel)+ I'll miss you way too muc$+
L!/T(
Ci2a# don't do t$is to me+
Ci2a sees a bit o) weakening $ereA s$e takes $er )eet out o) t$e
%acuzzi+ !$e begins to s"eak so)tly+
CI9A
/lease + + + i) you >ust lemme + + + I'll "lay dress:u" wit$
you# t$e way you like it + + + you know w$at I mean + + +
remember + + + ;
ls"et$ begins to weaken+ *ut continues to "ull t$e brat u"+ Ci2a "ours
on so)ter seduction+
CI9A
1e can "retend and I'll do it exactly + + + t$e way you want
it + + + wit$ t$e egg w$ites and t$e kilt+
ls"et$ is now )ully seduced+ Ci2a takes ls"et$'s $and and "resses it
lig$tly on $er )ace+
L!/T(
3ou mean + + + like last week;
Ci2a nods+ ls"et$ is ent$ralled# but )rom a disgusted "ick" sound )rom
%ezebel# ls"et$ realizes s$e's re2ealing t$is side o) $er li)e::in
)ront o) $er co2en+ !$e ner2ously looks around and see all t$e co2en
looking at $er8 a disgusted %ezebel# an understanding Ra2en# a
"reoccu"ied 2a and an im"atient and stern At$ena+
ls"et$ comes to $er senses# straig$tens $er "osture+
L!/T(
1e'll talk about t$is later# Ci2a+
CI9A
<angrily=
No@
!$e turns on ls"et$ and bites $er $and+ ls"et$ "ulls $er arm away and
grabs Ci2a by t$e $air+
%G*L
Aw# really now::c$ild abuse;
L!/T(
3ou stay outta t$is@
AT(NA
I demand t$is sto" now# ls"et$@
ls"et$ lets go o) Ci2a's $air+ Ci2a >erks away )rom $er+
CI9A
I'm running away )rom you@
L!/T(
Fine+ ,o a$ead+ And I'll call your "arole o))icer and s$e'll
)ind you and send you back to astlake@
Ci2a stom"s o)) into t$e bedroom+
AT(NA
Now t$at t$e )ucking melodrama is o2er# can we start
t$e goddamn ritual::"leeze;
ls"et$ enters t$e "owered circle+ ac$ girl takes o)) $er s$oes+ T$ey
anoint t$emsel2es wit$ oils+
AT(NA
1e are communing $ere on New 3ear's 2e to bring to li)e
t$e great goddess -iana# w$o was turned to stone in t$is
2ery room )orty years ago today+
T$e girls moan in slee"y# eerie agreement as t$ey begin to sway wit$in
t$e circle+
AT(NA
-iana# great beauti)ul one# we make t$ese o))erings to you#
t$at we may undo t$e wicked s"ell w$ic$ de"ri2ed you o)
t$e seed o) your lo2er# your 2irginal blood# o) your 2ery li)e+
1e now )orm t$e symbolic rock wit$ our bodies+
And saying t$is# t$e girls all )orm a "rock" wit$ t$eir bodies
grace)ully dra"ed one u"on t$e ot$er+ Music begins# and slowly t$ey
start to un)old )rom t$e rock+ T$e girls eac$ )ind t$eir "lace in a
semicircle around t$e %acuzzi+ !ome bare t$eir breasts# ot$er stri" o))
a layer o) clot$es+ T$ey anoint t$eir arms wit$ water )rom t$e %acuzzi+
T$ey begin a lo2ely dance# snaking t$eir way around t$e semicircle+ T$e
)irst one to go )rom one end to t$e ot$er is At$ena+ !$e t$en "roceeds
u" t$e stairs and "ositions $ersel) between t$e altar and t$e %acuzzi+
!$e ste"s )ort$ wit$ a bottle to t$e altar and "ours it into t$e
%acuzzi+
AT(NA
0n t$is nig$t# in t$is $our# we
&all u"on t$e Ancient /ower
0 ,oddess bride# I o))er t$ee
Milk )rom a mot$er's sweet titty@
ac$ o) t$e girls moans eerily+ At$ena "laces t$e bottle on t$e altar
and bows away+ !$e >oins t$e circle as ls"et$ now ste"s )orward wit$
$er o))ering in a 2ial+
L!/T(
To re2erse t$e e2il w$ic$ $as been done
I make t$is o))ering to t$e -i2ine 0ne
A w$ore not# an innocent was#
For w$om I seized a 2irgin's blood+
%G*L
,oddess o) Lig$t# ,oddess o) Lust#
To undo t$is aw)ul s"ell is a real must+
To bring you li)e and get you $ig$
I o))er t$e sweat o) )i2e men's t$ig$s+
T$e girls moan loudly as t$ey sway+ %ezebel "laces $er o))ering in t$e
$ot tub and bows out# returning to t$e circle+ Now Ra2en comes )ort$
wit$ a small leat$er canteen+ !$e unscrews t$e lid as s$e o))ers in $er
o"iate stu"or+
RA9N
-iana# o$ great one# we li2e wit$out sun
.ntil t$is wicked curse is undone+
In $o"e t$at you li2e# and to us a""ear#
I $a2e collected a year's wort$ o) tears+
!$e "ours li?uid into t$e mix# as t$e witc$es moan+ Now it's 2a's
turn+ 2a continues to sway# not mo2ing )ort$ to t$e altar+ T$e girls
kee" t$eir eyes closed as t$ey sway# waiting )or 2a's o))ering+ At$ena
)inally gi2es $er a "us$ and s$e goes+
2a kneels be)ore t$e altar+ !$e "roduces a sil2er bottle wit$ a c$ain
on its ca" and neck+ !$e timidly begins to incant+
9A
,reat ,oddess -iana# )ail you I will#
I was to bring )res$ s"erm )rom my *ill+
I $ad $im erect# and $is semen would )ollow
*ut alas I was $ot# so $ot t$at I swallowed+
T$e moans turn to wails as t$e girls ,A!/ and !(RIC@ At$ena o"ens $er
eyes# wildly+
AT(NA
3ou stu"id little witc$@ 3ou swallowed t$e s"erm@ Aye:yi::yi@
ls"et$ o"ens $er eyes and )olds $er arms# smirking bitterly+
L!/T(
It >ust s$ows w$at an amazing lack o) control you $a2e o2er
yoursel)# 2a@
%G*L
(oney# w$y didn't you >ust use your $ands; -idn't your
mama teac$ you not to "ut t$em t$ings in your mout$;
RA9N
I understand t$oug$ + + +
2a bursts into tears+ At$ena is )irm+
AT(NA
T$ere is no time to cry o2er swallowed s"erms+ 3ou're
gonna $a2e to get some# baby+ 3ou $a2e one $our to "ro2e
w$at kind o) witc$ you really are+
%ust t$en8 a knock at t$e door+
AT(NA
<calling out=
1$at do you want;@
T-
Ted + + + t$e bellboy+
At$ena smiles and turns to 2a+
AT(NA
Mr+ *ellboy# come rig$t in@
Ted o"ens t$e door+ (is eyes bulge out as $e looks u"on t$e )les$ly
)east+ (e ste"s back+ T$ey giggle seducti2ely# all exce"t 2a# w$o
sni))les# red:eyed+ Amazingly# Ted's attention is ca"ti2ated by 2a's
sorrow# not by t$e naked c$arms o) t$e ot$er witc$es+ !$e s$yly co2ers
$er breasts+ !ensiti2e to $er s$ame and sorrow# $e looks away and ste"s
)rom t$e door to )etc$ t$e room:ser2ice cart+ At$ena directs t$e ot$ers
to "ut on t$eir s$irts+ Ted w$eels in t$e cart+
T-
(ere's t$e t$ings you asked )or+ 0$# and u$$# sorry# but I'm
not gonna "ick t$e eyes outta t$is dead )is$+
(e "oints to t$e trout+ ls"et$ "icks it u"# )lings t$e eyes into t$e
%acuzzi# and tosses t$e trout out o) t$e window+ !$e smirks at $im
comtem"tuously+
AT(NA
<$anding Ted F7 bucks=
0kay# mister# $ere's your )i)ty:dollar ti"# only# you $a2e to
do one more t$ing + + + make our little 2a smile+ &an you;
1e'll lea2e you alone+
<to 2a# )irmly=
And don't your mout$@
T$e girls ste" out+ At$ena turns to 2a and "oints to $er watc$# t$en
$olds u" one )inger+ 2a looks u"# worried+ T$e door closes on $er and
Ted+ !$e looks at Ted and sig$s+ (e co2ers $er wit$ a s$awl+
IN T( (ALL1A3
T$e ot$er witc$es listen at t$e door+
L!/T(
I) s$e doesn't get $is goo" in ten minutes# I'm going to take
$im mysel)+
%G*L
(a@ T$at'll be a )irst )or you+
L!/T(
0$ s$it::Ci2a@
!$e runs back in )or $er bratty girl)riend# w$o is already sneaking out
t$e bedroom door+
L!/T(
And >ust w$ere do you t$ink you're going;
CI9A
1ell# gawd::I need a candy bar or somet$ing::you $a2en't
)ed me all day+ I'm getting all s$aky+ My blood sugar's
really low+
%G*L
ls"et$::$onestly now::some babysitter you're turnin'
out ta be@
AT(NA
noug$# girls+ I will collect )res$ eart$+ %ezebel# I want you
to gat$er dam" moss+ Ra2en# you bring me a birc$ branc$+
ls"et$# you go )eed your terrible girl)riend+ 1e meet back
$ere in one $our and let's all $a2e )ait$ t$at 2a can get t$is guy o))+
T$e witc$es dis"erse+
INT+ (0N3M00N !.IT::NI,(T
2a sits among "illows be)ore t$e altar as Ted stands in )ront o) $er+
Ted is trying $is best to make "oor 2a smile+ *ut no matter w$at $is
antics# s$e looks o)) sadly+
T-
(el" me out# lady+ I gotta earn t$is )i)ty bucks@
9A
0$ look# t$ey don't care i) I smile or not@ All t$ey want is + + +
Ted waitsA s$e sig$s and rest $er c$in in $er $and+
9A
3ou won't understand# belie2e me+
!$e begins to cry tear)ully again+
T-
Try me+ I'2e been around# y'know+
(e "ostures "roudly# all "u))ed out+ 2a looks at $im $el"lessly+ And
$e "aternally encourages $er to ex"lain+
9A
1ell + + + okay+ T$e )i2e o) us::ls"et$# %ezebel# At$ena#
Ra2en and me::are a co2en+
T-
(a# like a co2en o) witc$es;
9A
3es+
T-
<stunned=
0$+
(e looks around t$e room8 Q.I&C &.T! o) candles# iconogra"$y# >ars o)
lurid substances# unknown body "arts o) animals wo2en into t$e nature
scul"ture + + + and are t$ose tongues in t$at can; Ted's getting t$e
cree"s# but again "u))s $imsel) u"+
T-
I knew t$at@
9A
<getting calmer=
And you see# our co2en $as s"ent )orty years trying to "er)ect
a ritual to undo a wicked curse "ut on our goddess -iana+
T-
,ee# you don't look a day o2er twenty@
9A
0$ + + + $a $a + + + I mean t$e witc$es be)ore us tried and
)ailed+ *ut At$ena# our (ig$ /riestess# disco2ered a great
"otion to re2erse t$e e2il s"ell w$ic$ turned our beauti)ul
goddess into an old rock+
T-
<looking at t$e rock=
3ea$; Is + + + is t$at $er;
2a nods# looking lo2ingly at t$e stone+
9A
!$e was a beauti)ul 2irgin+ An entertainer by trade# but a
great sorceress by design+ It was $ere in t$is 2ery room# on
$er wedding nig$t# a >ealous ri2al "laced t$e curse on -iana+
T-
!$e turned to::t$at::$ere;
9A
3es + + + and $er young $usband turned into a "ink )is$@
T$ey )ound $im swimming in t$e "ool in circles+ 1$ile our
dear goddess8 a stone in $er $oneymoon bed+
Ted )rowns as $e "onders all t$is+ 2a takes a "$oto )rom t$e altar and
$ands it to Ted+
9A
T$is was -iana+
&L0! 0N "$oto8 a *lond *ombs$ell in )ull:on *etty /age attire# a bare:
tittied "inu" girl# "lay)ully s"anking a girl in bondage wit$ a s"iked
$ig$ $eel+
T-
T$is girl $ere; T$is is t$e goddess -iana;
T$e "$otogra"$ slowly comes ali2e+ -iana sto"s s"anking t$e girl and
unties $er+ !$e "ulls t$e girl <in t$e black satin mask= u" o)) $er la"
and makes t$e girl stand+ T$e women )ace eac$ ot$er and break into a
c$eek:to:c$eek tango+
&L0! 0N Ted as $e s$akes $is $ead+ Are $is eyes "laying tricks on $im;
T-
I $ate to tell you t$is# but I kinda doubt s$e was a 2irgin+
9A
0$# but s$e was@ !$e $ad lo2ers# but s$e sa2ed t$at )or
marriage+ 1$ic$ is t$e exam"le I'2e tried to )ollow8 to do
e2eryt$ing but t$at till I marry + + +
!$e begins to sob again+ Ted com)orts $er+
T-
(ey# don't cry + + + a 2irgin is a rare and beauti)ul t$ing+ I)
you say s$e was a 2irgin# I'll belie2e it+
9A
1ell# it doesn't matter now + + + and s$e won't be resurrected
tonig$t 'cause I )ailed $er+ I let my w$ole co2en down@
T-
1ait a sec::t$at rock was gonna turn back into t$is;
(e $olds u" t$e "$oto+ 2a nods+
T-
Now# t$at would be somet$ing wort$ seeing@
9A
0nly# not now::we were eac$ su""osed to bring
somet$ing::a li)e )luid+
T-
<wincing in disgust=
I) t$is is gonna be like one o) t$ose a)terbirt$ con2ersations#
I don't t$ink I wanna $ear t$is+
9A
0nly + + + I swallowed it + + +
T-
3ou swallowed w$at;
2a looks o))+ Ted searc$es $is brains# t$oroug$ly sickened now+
T-
3ou mean# you were su""osed to bring + + + like + + + like a
guy's + + + and you + + + ;
!$e nodsA $e winces# ?ueasy+ 2a looks at $im# $el"less+
9A
And now# you're my last c$ance@
T-
<laug$ing=
3ea$# sure+
T-
<t$en::"anic=
1$oa# w$at; 3ou want my::)or t$e::witc$y "oo::a$$
no::no way::no"e+ *esides# it's against $otel "olicy+ I was
warned8 "No sex wit$ t$e clientele"@
2a sobs# "leading+ !$e t$rows o)) $er s$awl# baring $er lo2ely
breasts# and reac$es $er arms around $is neck+ (e kee"s backing o))+
.nbeknownst to $im# $e is already doing a ritualistic s$u))le+
T-
(a# c'mon now# >oke's o2er+
<seeing t$is is no >oke=
(ey# we're gonna ste" in t$e )lea "owder+
9A
T$at's not )lea "owder# t$at's sacred dust ground )rom t$e
$orns o) Albino goats+
T-
Rig$t@ I knew t$at@
(e is backing away# into t$e circle# as s$e comes )or $im# so)t and
sweet+ (er eyes are again "utting t$e magic $ex on $im# as $e tries to
resist $er gaze+
T-
1$at's a nice girl like you doing in a co2en# anyway;
9A
1ell# see# w$at I really want to do is be a midwi)e+ I'2e
attended )our birt$s already@ I can "re2ent 2aginal tears
and e2eryt$ing+
T-
<trying to dodge $er $exing eyes=
1ell# t$at's a good t$ing@ A guy doesn't like sur"rises down t$ere+
All t$e w$ile s$e is ste""ing toward $im into t$e circle+
9A
I >oined t$e co2en to attain greater understanding o) my
)eminine "ower so I could become a truly great midwi)e@
T-
<t$e $ex working now=
0$# well# I see you'2e been gaining a lot o) insig$t into your
+ + + girl "owers + + +
2a sweetly takes $is $and and "laces it on $er breast+
9A
-o you really t$ink so;
T-
<buckling under t$e tem"tation=
1ell# yea$# I'd say t$at seems to be t$e case + + + +
<s$e licks $is neckA $is eyes roll back $ea2enly=
0$$$# ,od@ *etty's gonna kill me@
9A
1$o's *etty::your girl)riend;
T-
No+ My boss+
9A
0$ good@
T-
0$ no@
T$ey )all into a kiss# as s$e begins to remo2e $is ca"+ !$e mo2es $im
toward t$e %acuzzi# closer and closer+
-I!!0L9 T08
INT+ (ALL1A3::NI,(T
Ted "us$es $is room:ser2ice cart+ (e is )lus$ed+ /u))ed u"+ Lig$ts a
cigarette# takes a great big# satis)ied drag+ 2a runs to t$e door
dreamily# $er naked body wra""ed in $er s$awl+ !$e "asses $im a card+
9A
My "$one number in To"anga+ &all me;
T-
<cocky=
!ure# baby+ 3ea$# I'll gi2e ya a call+
!$e smiles and s$uts t$e door+ T$e ot$er witc$es are arri2ing wit$
su""lies )rom t$e garden+ Ci2a# now $a2ing raised $er blood sugar#
sucks on a lolli"o"# a sunny girl+ !$e talks to Ra2en# w$o carries a
birc$ limb+
CI9A
1$at's t$at used )or;
RA9N
It's a birc$ branc$# symbolizing eternal li)e+ 3ou can also
use t$e bark )or a tea w$ic$ assists in astral tra2el+
CI9A
(ey::I wanna be a witc$@
T$e ot$er girls roll t$eir eyes as ls"et$ smiles "roudly+ Ted blows
smoke at t$em and "us$es $is cart o)) down t$e $all+ T$e witc$es run
inside t$e room+
IN T( !.IT
2a sits# blissed:out# in t$e center o) t$e circle# smiles+
9A
I'm a woman now@
AT(NA
*ut w$ere is $is "stu))";
9A
<"ointing to t$e %acuzzi=
1e did it rig$t t$ere# in t$e big cauldron@
%G*L
0oo$$$ $oney# you're gonna be sore tomorra@ -idn't your
mama teac$ you t$at water stri"s a girl's lubrication;
RA9N
!ex in water is great in t$e mo2ies# not in real li)e + + + but
you will learn+ As we all did+
%G*L
3ea$# w$en s$e can't walk + + +
<to ls"et$=
I guess you wouldn't $a2e t$ose kinds o) "roblems::
wit$out "enetration+
L!/T(
No+ And 2irtually no cer2ical cancer# eit$er+
AT(NA
0kay# girls# enoug$ !ex ducation 474# let's get going wit$
our ritual# goddammit+
At$ena regally leads t$e ritual as t$ey all bare t$eir breasts again+
Ci2a t$rows o)) $er s$irt to >oin in+ As s$e does# we see black bondage
ta"e on $er ni""les+ ls"et$ darts a ?uick look at t$e ta"e# looks at
t$e ot$er witc$es::not sure s$e likes t$is::but s$e goes wit$ it+ T$e
witc$es sway in a circle# eyes closed# as 2a makes $er o))ering+
9A
,oddess -iana# I o))er you
T$e >ism o) one I wooed )or you
T$at you may li2e and know suc$ bliss
0) getting laid by a guy like t$is+
T$e witc$es all incant+
ALL 0F T( 1IT&(!
!o must it be+
T$ree times t$ree times t$ree+
T$ey marc$ $al):naked as t$ey moan and re2el in eerie cries+ T$e
%acuzzi begins to bubble and boil+ T$eir cries $eig$tenA t$e "otion
bubbles o2er+
-I!!0L9 T08
(0.R! LATR
At$ena reads )rom a $uge leat$erbound book# T$e *ook o) !$adows# )ull
o) "otions and s"ells+ Four discouraged witc$es "ack t$eir bags+ T$e
room $as been restored to its worldly under:s"lendor+ Ci2a uses t$e
remote on t$e T9 + + + so muc$ )or witc$cra)t+ T$e slab o) rock remains
a slab+
AT(NA
I don't understand w$at went wrong+
L!/T(
I say 2a "ulled one o2er on us+
9A
1$at;
%G*L
(oney::2a was wearing t$e )ace o) someone >ust )ucked
good + + + and t$e best actress in t$is world# or any ot$er#
can't )ake a t$ing like t$at@
L!/T(
xactly::i) s$e was )ucked so good# $ow could s$e sa2e
$is come;
RA9N
It could be done + + +
AT(NA
,irls# knock it o))+
<s$e looks u" )rom t$e book=
Maybe + + + maybe it needed to be t$e s"erm o) a 2irgin male+
9A
<dreamily=
(e was no 2irgin@
T$e witc$es sadly collect t$eir t$ings+ At$ena# dee" in t$oug$t#
strokes t$e slab+
AT(NA
Let's lea2e $er $ere# wit$ t$e sword# until dawn+ I will come
back )or $er be)ore c$eckout time+ I >ust + + + )eel too sad to
carry $er away be)ore t$e sun comes u" to warm $er+
T$ey all agree+ T$ey "ick u" t$eir bags and $ead out+
%G*L
<cuddling $er cat=
I can't belie2e we $a2e to carry our own bags out@ My mama
would $a2e a $issy )it@
CI9A
<)lirtatiously=
I'll carry your bags+
L!/T(
<)irmly=
3ou're carrying my bags@
T$ey lea2e t$e room+ %ezebel's cat lea"s )rom $er arms as s$e $oists
$er luggage+ 2a walks out satis)ied# t$oug$t "er$a"s a little
sore::"ouc$#" s$e says# and smiles+ At$ena takes one last look at t$eir
goddess slab+
AT(NA
Next year# we try again::wit$ 2irgin s"erm+
!$e closes t$e door on t$e (oneymoon !uite <till next New 3ear's 2e@=+
FA- T0 *LA&C+
)our rooms
FA- ./ 0N8
INT+ M0N !I,N0R L0**3::NI,(T
Ted be$ind t$e desk# on t$e "$one+ 1e only $ear $is side+
T-
0$# %esus# w$at did I tell you; -o you want milk and
cookies# or do you not;
<"ause=
I can't turn on an adult station wit$out "ermission )rom
your "arents+
<"ause# $e c$ecks $is com"uter=
T$at's not w$at t$e mac$ine tells me+
<"ause=
3ou be good and you'll get milk and cookies# but )or now
lea2e me alone# "lease+ I'll be u" later to "ut you bot$ to
slee"+
(e $angs u"+
T-
<to $imsel)=
,oddamn kids+
!./R8 4877 a+m+
T$e "$one rings again+
T-
Room !er2ice+
INT+ R00M I7I::NI,(T
A small "arty is going on+ A long:$aired 3u""ie !cum ty"e in on t$e
line+ Music *LAR!+ /eo"le dance in background+
3.//I !&.M
1$at room am I in;
INT+ FR0NT -!C::NI,(T
*A&C AN- F0RT(
T-
T$is is t$e )ront desk# sir+
T$e 3u""ie turns away )rom t$e "$one and s"eaks to Real T$eodore+
3.//I !&.M
1$at room are we in;
RAL T(0-0R
(ow s$ould I know; I >ust got $ere+
3.//I !&.M
<into "$one=
3ou know# don't you $a2e one o) t$ose lig$t t$ings;
T-
I) you care to go to t$e door and look on t$e ot$er side#
you'll )ind t$e room number+
3.//I !&.M
<to Real T$eodore=
&all my assistant and ask $er w$at )loor we're on+
RAL T(0-0R
1$o's your assistant;
3.//I !&.M
T$e girl you "arty wit$ e2ery nig$t+
RAL T(0-0R
<to $imsel)=
1$o;
T-
I'm $ere alone# sir+
RAL T(0-0R
It's room I7I# I t$ink+
3.//I !&.M
I could $a2e sworn we were on t$e )i)t$ )loor+
RAL T(0-0R
Rig$t+ I7I+
3.//I !&.M
<into "$one=
Rig$t+ I7I+
T-
1$at do you need# sir;
3.//I !&.M
<to Real T$eodore=
1$at do we need;
RAL T(0-0R
Ice+
3.//I !&.M
Ice;
RAL T(0-0R
Ice+
3.//I !&.M
<into "$one=
Ice+
T-
Ice+
3.//I !&.M
3ea$+ Ice+
T-
Rig$t# sir+ Ice+ I7I+ I'll be wit$ you momentarily+
&.T T08
!T0R3 TITL &AR-8
room I7I
"T( 1R0N, MAN"
INT+ -ARC (ALL1A3
Ted saunters down a $allway wit$ a butt $anging out t$e corner o) $is
mout$ and a bucket o) ice swinging at $is side+ (e "ulls u" at a door
on w$ic$ t$e )aded numbers read somet$ing like "Room I7I+"
Ted knocks on t$e door+ A)ter a moment# t$e latc$ is t$rown and t$e
door swings o"en+ Ted cautiously ste"s into t$e dark room+
INT+ R00M I7I
T-
Anybody $ome;
A -M0NI& &A&CL cuts t$roug$ t$e darkness+
MAN'! 90I&
No one $ere but us c$ickens+
T-
!ay# it's "retty dark in $ere# sir+
MAN'! 90I&
1$at do you ex"ect# T$eodore# a )uckin' )loor s$ow;
T-
-o I know you;
MAN'! 90I&
I don't know+ -o you;
In a )las$ t$e lig$ts switc$ on and Ted )inds $imsel) staring down t$e
barrel o) a "retty intense:looking +6FB Magnum# cocked and ready to
)ire+ At t$e ot$er end o) t$e gun stands a F7:year:old man# !ig)ried#
w$o s"orts a &$es$ire &at smile and a ">ust try )uckin' wit$ me" look
on $is )ace+ !ig)ried isn't t$e only "erson in t$e room+ -irectly
be$ind $im sits a beauti)ul young woman# Angela# gagged and bound to a
c$air+ Ted dro"s t$e bucket to t$e )loor+
T-
I broug$t your ice+
!I,FRI-
T$at's cute+ In )act# t$e w$ole getu"'s kind o) cute+ T$e
monkey suit's a nice touc$# $oney "uss+
T-
T$is $as to be a mistake+ Is t$is room I7I;
!I,FRI-
T$eodore; 1$at do you take me )or# T$eodore;
T-
A 2ery u"set man;
!ig)ried reac$es in $is "ocket and t$rows a $and)ul o) assorted
stimulants into $is mout$# c$ewing on t$em like t$ey were breat$ mints+
!ig)ried t$rusts $is $and )orward# gri""ing Ted by t$e t$roat# and
leads $im to Angela+
!I,FRI-
<to Angela=
I am an u"set man# T$eodore+
T-
(ow do you know my name# sir;
!I,FRI-
I'm "syc$ic# T$eodore+
T-
Look my name is Ted# actually# and I $a2e no idea w$at's
going on $ere# but I'2e ob2iously come at a bad time+
!I,FRI-
Let's not belabor t$e )act t$at you $a2e no sense o) timing#
T$eodore+ T$e )act is you're $ere+
!ig)ried turns to Angela+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
And I couldn't t$ink o) a better time )or you to introduce
me to your beau t$an on New 3ear's 2e+
T-
0$ )uck# t$ere's a mistake+ 3ou're )ucking wrong $ere+ My
name is T$eodore# yes@ My mot$er named me t$at and I
$ate t$e name+ *ut I'm a )ucking bell$o"+ /eo"le call me
Ted+ I work $ere+
!uddenly# wit$ great )orce# !ig)ried slams t$e butt o) $is "istol smack
into Ted's tem"le# sending $im to t$e )loor+ Ted looks u" at !ig)ried
in s$ock+
!I,FRI-
Look# I'd lo2e to sit $ere all nig$t wit$ you talking about
t$ings like w$en you broke in your )irst mitt::
<"ause=
T$at was insensiti2e o) me# wasn't it# T ( 0 - 0 R ;
*ut let's cut to t$e c$ase# okay;
T-
0kay+
!I,FRI-
!o a"ologize@
A tense silence )ills t$e room+ All eyes are on Ted# w$o can't )igure
out w$at t$e )uck t$is guy wants+
T-
For w$at;
!ig)ried looks $ard wit$ disbelie) at Ted# w$o winces back+
!I,FRI-
3ou are really beginning to annoy me# T$eodore+
!ig)ried t$rows anot$er $and)ul o) "ills into $is mout$+
T-
Look# ob2iously you two are working somet$ing out and i) I
could $el" you wit$ your "roblem I would+
!I,FRI-
1$at are you saying; Are you saying I got a "roblem; Are
you trying to say I don't gi2e $er w$at s$e needs; T$at I'm
F.&CIN, IN!N!ITI9@@
T-
Look# is t$is about anot$er man; 0r somet$ing;
Ted $as struck a raw ner2e+ !ig)ried's mood swings drasticallyA $e
bends down next to Ted+
!I,FRI-
Let's get our A*&'s rig$t# $ere# T$eodore+ T$eodore# rig$t;
T-
Ted's better+
!I,FRI-
Ted# okay + + + Are you saying my wi)e c$eats on me;
T-
I didn't say t$at + + + I + + +
!I,FRI-
0$# )or &$rist's sake# T$eodore# t$is is about as intimate a
situation as you can get# you# me# and Angela $ere+ It's
"retty cozy+ To say not$ing o) $ow stu"id an idea it is to lie
to a man wit$ a loaded gun wit$out considering t$e "ossible
res"onse+ I demand an a"ology@
T$e "$one rings+
!I,FRI-
-on't mo2e+ I'2e got to take t$is+
!ig)ried glances at it+ T$en to Angela+ (e "icks u" t$e "$one+
!I,FRI-
<into "$one=
1$at;
<"ause=
1e ain't got any needles $ere# kid+ %ust a big )ucking gun+
(e listens to t$e ot$er line# says good:bye# and $angs u"+
!I,FRI-
<to Ted=
Now# w$ere was I; 0$ yea$# I remember+
!ig)ried kneels next to Ted and assumes a "rayer "osition+
!I,FRI-
I want you to "ray )or )orgi2eness# T$eodore+
!ig)ried# $ands clas"ed toget$er# signals )or Ted to do t$e same+ T$e
gun lies at $is side+ Ted considers a bold mo2e# but t$inks better o)
it+ !ig)ried's eyes "o" o"en+ (e cuts a look to Ted# signaling $im to
assume t$e "ose+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
Now say a)ter me# "I a"ologize + + +"
T-
I a"ologize + + +
!I,FRI-
For w$at;
Ted looks to Angela )or $el"+ !$e can only stare back wit$ intense#
wide:o"en eyes+
!I,FRI-
For )ucking w$at;
T-
T$at I said you mig$t $a2e been un)ait$)ul;
!I,FRI-
"T$at I said you mig$t $a2e been un)ait$)ul;" Listen# T$eodore#
you're in c$urc$ $ere + + + you're kneeling in )ront o) an altar+
Trut$ + + + trut$ is all it $ears+ !ay t$e )ollowing# "I# T$eodore#
must $umbly and sincerely a"ologize )or saying t$at you
)ucked anot$er man@"
Ted re"eats w$at !ig)ried $as told $im+ T$is a""ears to $a2e a calming
e))ect on !ig)ried# w$o gets u" o)) t$e )loor# turning $is )ace to
Angela+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
!atis)ied;
Angela nods+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
-o you acce"t t$e )ucking a"ology;
Naturally# Angela says not$ing+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
3ou always gotta get t$e last word# don't you; It's one way
wit$ you# Angela# isn't it; I gi2e and I gi2e and I get not$ing back+
!ig)ried turns to Ted+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
!$e >ust sits t$ere waiting )or me to >um" t$roug$ $oo"s + + + +
Angela attem"ts to s"eak t$roug$ t$e gag+ *ot$ men wait wit$ bated
breat$ )or a res"onse+ !ig)ried's $ad enoug$+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
!tu"id me# )or a second I t$oug$t you were going to say
somet$ing + + + somet$ing like# "I'm sorry+" (A@ "I'm
sorry+" 3ou're absolutely rig$t# lo2e cakes# I wouldn't want
it t$at way+ T$at's one t$ing you can say about Angela+
!$e'll ne2er do anyt$ing s$e doesn't want to do+ I) t$e )eeling
ain't t$ere# s$e >ust isn't going to do it+ T$ere is not$ing in
t$is world as )ucked as a woman w$o gi2es w$en s$e doesn't
want to+ Ne2er let t$at $a""en to you# T$eodore+ It makes
you )eel 2ery little indeed+
Ted beckons !ig)ried+
T-
3ou mind i) I + + + ;
!I,FRI-
,o a$ead+ !"it it out+
T-
I don't mean to u"set you )urt$er# sir# but I t$ink s$e was
trying to say yes+
!I,FRI-
Are you condescending to me# T$eodore;
T-
Absolutely not# I would ne2er do t$at+
!I,FRI-
1$y don't you >ust say it;
T-
!ay w$at;
!I,FRI-
T$at you t$ink I'm an idiot+
T-
I would ne2er say t$at+
!I,FRI-
3ou t$ink you're su"erior to me# don't ya# T$eodore; 3ou
don't t$ink I notice t$ere is a gag in t$e woman's mout$+
T-
0) course you do+
!I,FRI-
Naturally "o) course+" And do you know $ow I know t$at;
T-
(ow# sir;
!I,FRI-
*ecause I /.T T( ,A, IN (R M0.T(@ I'm gonna let
you in on a little secret about communication# T$eodore+
It's all in t$e eyes + + +
<"oints t$e gun at Ted=
(im;
<turns t$e gun on $imsel)=
0r me; (im or me; No one; 0kay+ Let's drag it out+
!ig)ried em"ties t$e last o) t$e "ills into $is mout$# $ea2ing t$e
em"ty bottle o2er $is s$oulder+ (e takes o))# disa""earing into t$e
bat$room+
INT+ R00M I7I
Ted )inds $imsel) alone wit$ Angela+ T$ey lock eyes+ Angela im"lores
Ted to lean )orward+ Ted sizes u" t$e situation8 (is c$ances o) making
it to t$e door are slim due to t$e )act t$at $e would $a2e to "ass by
t$e bat$room door+ Ted "aces back and )ort$ in )ront o) Angela# w$o
struggles to get $is attention+ (e w$i"s around and t$ey )ace o)) in
w$at a""ears to be a game o) c$arades+ Ted )inally gets t$e "oint and
cautiously remo2es t$e gag )rom Angela's mout$+ Angela s"its an old
sock out+
T-
1$at@
AN,LA
1e don't $a2e time to "lay c$arades $ere# ass$ole@ .ntie
me ?uick+
T-
Listen# lady# I don't know w$at in t$e $ell is going on $ere#
but I'd a""reciate it i) you would ex"lain to t$at nutcase
t$at $e's making a big mistake+
AN,LA
Look# w$et$er you like it or not# you're in t$e middle o) a
situation $ere you can't >ust wis$ your way out o)+
T-
*ut I'2e ne2er seen you "eo"le be)ore# we're com"lete strangers+
AN,LA
2eryone starts out strangers# Ted# it's w$ere we end u"
t$at counts+ (urry u"+
Ted wrestles wit$ t$e idea o) w$et$er to untie Angela or not+
T-
I don't know i) I can do t$is+ It's too $ard+
AN,LA
Li)e is $ard# Ted+ 3ou e2er sto""ed to consider $ow many
times you c$ange your underwear in a li)etime;
0n ner2ous im"ulse# Ted begins t$e calculations+
AN,LA
I don't mean literally# you ignoramus+
T-
1$at;
AN,LA
Forget it# listen to me+ T$ere's a gun in my suitcase be$ind
t$e bed# it's loaded + + +
T-
I'm not going to s$oot anybody+
AN,LA
Fine+ ,et t$e gun and I'll s$oot "anybody+"
T-
And make me an accessory in t$e murder o) your $usband;
Ted colla"ses to $is knees in )ront o) Angela+
T-
T$at's not )air+ It >ust isn't )air+
AN,LA
,et a )ucking gri" on yoursel)+ First o))# w$o says $e's my
$usband; And second# we are a long way )rom )air $ere#
)air is back in >olly old ngland eatin' crum"ets and si""ing
on tea+
Ted collects $imsel)+
T-
Tut+ Tut+ Tut+ Not so )ast+ 1ell# maybe t$ere are two sides
to t$is t$ing+
AN,LA
T$ere are two sides to a "late# still you only eat o)) o) one+
Now ,T T( ,.N@
T-
!o w$y's $e got you tied u";
AN,LA
I'm a werewol)# Ted@ ,et t$e gun@
Ted is at a loss as to w$at to do+ Angela turns on t$e c$arm+
AN,LA
&ome on# Ted+ &ome o2er $ere >ust )or a minute+ 3ou can
do it+ &ome on# Ted+ 3ou look like a good guy+
Ted cree"s towards $er+
AN,LA
T$at's it# Teddy+ 3ou look so muc$ more attracti2e w$en
you're sel):assured+
!ig)ried suddenly comes to li)e + + + + (e's $eard )rom t$e bat$room
belting out "Li)e is but a dream + + + s$e:boom# s$e:boom+"
AN,LA
<s$e "anics=
Quick# $e's coming back+ /ut t$e gag back in# and
remember t$e gun@
Ted $urries to re"lace t$e sock in $er mout$+
T-
Nine t$ousand# t$ree $undred and twenty:two times# to t$e
best o) my estimation+
INT+ R00M I7I
!ig)ried coug$s# sending a c$ill u" Ted's s"ine+ Ted w$i"s around to
disco2er !ig)ried leaning u" against t$e door to t$e bat$room+
!I,FRI-
I was >ust beginning to t$ink I could trust you# T$eodore+
!illy me+
Ted's )ingers are )rozen o2er Angela's li"s+
T-
I was >ust trying to $el" $er breat$e a little+
!I,FRI-
-on't let me sto" you# Teddy+ 3ou don't mind me calling
you Teddy# do you;
T-
T$at's )ine+
!I,FRI-
I used to $a2e a little bunny rabbit named Teddy# it looked
real cute nibbling on Angela's ear+ 0nly "roblem $ere is
you're no bunny rabbit# T$eodore# and it really )uckin'
razzes me to "icture you doin' it+ *ut don't let me sto" you#
Teddy + + + no need to "lay sneaky:"oo+
Ted starts to back toward t$e door+
T-
Look# man# i) t$is is some kind o) 9oodoo t$ing and you
want me to $a2e sex wit$ your wi)e# t$ere is absolutely no
way+
!I,FRI-
<s$outs at t$e to" o) $is lungs=
I said# nibble# ass$ole@ Now@
T$e directness o) !ig)ried's command# cou"led wit$ t$e !0.N- o) a
trigger being cocked# )orces Ted to a""roac$ Angela+ Angela is a
stunning beauty# and Ted being kind o) a s$y guy makes )or an awkward
situation+ Ted leans )orward+ As $e closes in# Angela's eyes close+
T-
<w$is"ers=
!orry# lady+
Ted "ulls u" s$ort o) actually nibbling on Angela+
!I,FRI-
1$at's t$e matter# no w$iz le)t in t$e c$eese; I'm not
cram"ing your style# am I;
T-
Look# I'm not "laying t$is game anymore+
!ig)ried yanks Ted backwards+ (e wra"s $is arms around $im+
!I,FRI-
It's almost all o2er# T$eodore# and soon you can go $ome to
Mommy+
Ted struggles to )ree $imsel) )rom !ig)ried's "ower)ul bear $ug and
blasts out t$e )ollowing monologue+
T-
My name is not T$eodore# it's T-# T-# T-#
T + + + + + + - + + + + T- + + + + N0T T--3# N0T
T(0-0R + + + T- + + + + 3es# my mot$er did me t$e
ser2ice o) naming me T$eodore and I $a2en't a clue as to
$ow you know t$at because e2eryone w$o knows t$at li2es
a long way away )rom $ere+ -o you $a2e any idea w$at it's
like to go to sc$ool w$ere all t$e ot$er kids' "arents are in
>ail doing time )or crimes like grand larceny# aggra2ated
assault# burglary and murder# and you get stuck wit$ a
mot$er w$o names you T$eodore and dressed you u" in
little matc$ing "ink out)its wit$# get t$is# a little blue bow
)ucking tie@ 1ell# I'll tell you w$at $a""ens+ /retty soon
T$eodore becomes "T$eo t$e T$um"er#" and w$en T$eo
t$e T$um"er gets old enoug$# $e "acks $is bags and
goes t$ousands o) miles away w$ere $e can "ut t$e w$ole
bloody mess be$ind $im+ !o# i) you don't mind# s$oot me
now# because no one is going to call me t$at again+ My
name is Ted# okay; ,ot it; T-@
!ig)ried $as )ollowed t$e entire tirade in stunned silence+ (e takes a
ste" toward Ted and o))ers $im $is $and+
!I,FRI-
!ig)ried+
T-
1$at;
!I,FRI-
My name is !ig)ried+
T-
!ig)ried;
!ig)ried cuts a "!omet$ing wrong wit$ t$at;" look at Ted+
!I,FRI-
3a$# !ig)ried+
T-
Nice to meet you# !ig)ried+
Ted cautiously takes !ig)ried's $and+
!I,FRI-
9ery im"ressi2e# Ted+ "T$eo t$e T$um"er;" + + + 0uc$+ It's
a deal# kid+ Ted it will be+
T-
T$anks+
!ig)ried $olds onto Ted's $and+ T$e so)t sound o) distant )ireworks
"o"s in t$e background+ &ar $orns and a mu))led countdown signal t$at
it's New 3ear's+ !ig)ried mo2es uncom)ortably close to Ted and )rom out
o) now$ere bolts )orward# "lanting a wet kiss rig$t on Ted's mout$+
!omet$ing sna"s in !ig)ried+ (e is eit$er really getting o)) on t$is or
$e is caug$t in t$e gri"s o) a seizure+ (e doubles back on t$e )loors+
Ted and Angela watc$ as $e )lo"s around like a )lounder wit$ t$e cocked
gun wa2ing all o2er t$e "lace+ Ted wi"es $is mout$ wit$ $is >acket
slee2e w$ile trying to dodge t$e barrel o) t$e gun+
T-
3ou okay# mister; I'll get $el"@
!ig)ried manages to steady t$e gun and "oint it directly at Ted+ (e
signals )or Ted to go to t$e bat$room+
T-
<continuing=
T$at's t$e wrong door# sir+
!ig)ried grabs Ted by t$e leg and s$o2e t$e barrel o) t$e gun into $is
crotc$+ !ig)ried "ulls Ted's )ace closer to $is+
!I,FRI-
,et me t$e nitro + + + it's in t$e bat$room cabinet+ Now@
Ted rus$es into t$e bat$room# lea2ing !ig)ried a babbling mess be$ind+
&.T T08
INT+ *AT(R00M::!AM TIM
Ted enters t$e bat$room# w$ic$ a""ears s$aken by an eart$?uake+ Towels
and wet clot$es are all o2er t$e "lace+ An e2ening gown is )lus$ed
$al)way down t$e toilet and "ills are e2eryw$ere+ !ig)ried is s$outing
)rom t$e ot$er room to $urry+ Ted c$ecks t$e cabinet# searc$ing )or a
bottle marked "Nitro+" No luck+ Ted s"ots a small window set abo2e t$e
toilet+
(e )igures t$is is t$e best c$ance $e's got to make a break+
Ted goes )or it+ (e manages to get $is $ead and one arm t$roug$ t$e
window be)ore $e gets stuck+ (is legs dangle in t$e bat$room+ !truggle
as $e may# $e can only $it t$e toilet:bowl le2er# w$ic$ sends a loud
FL.!( !0.N- out t$roug$ t$e a"artment+
!I,FRI- <0!=
<s$outing in t$e distance=
It's no time to take a leak# Teddy# I'm )ucking dying $ere@
ET+ *AT(R00M 1IN-01::NI,(T
0utside t$e window# Ted's in anot$er world+ (e's almost sa)e+ It's a
strange )eeling# kind o) like bat$ing in warm water in "aradise#
knowing a $uge s$ark is ready to ri" $is ass o))+ (e can see t$e
)lickering red glowing lig$t )rom t$e witc$es' room )rom t$e )loor
below+
ET+ *AT(R00M 1IN-01 AN- *L01::NI,(T
Ted sees 2a bo""ing naked "ast t$e window+ (e s$outs $er name out# to
no a2ail+ T$e M.!I& drowns out $is 2oice and t$ey ignore $is calls )or
$el"+ T$e blood rus$es to $is $ead+ (e lets $imsel) $ang t$ere )or a
moment+ (e wonders $ow many ot$er "eo"le $a2e )ound t$emsel2es in
situations like t$is be)ore $im+ /robably e2eryone+ Rig$t next to $is
)ace# Ted recognizes a bloody $and "rint+ It's not $is blood+
ET+ *AT(R00M 1IN-01 AN- A*09::NI,(T
Ted $ears a sound )rom abo2e and twists $imsel) around# s"otting a
young man <"re2iously seen as t$e 3u""ie !cumbag on t$e "$one= leaning
out o) t$e window directly abo2e $im+ A)ter a ?uick moment o) sizing
$im u"# Ted gat$ers $imsel)+
T-
(i + + +
No answer+ !omet$ing's wrong wit$ t$e guy# all t$e blood is drained
)rom $is )ace and $e is mumbling somet$ing+
T-
Listen# I'm stuck $ere in a situation t$at I can't e2en begin
to ex"lain# but would you be so kind as to get $el"; &ould
you call t$e "olice# "lease;
!ilence+
T-
<continuing=
3ou okay;
T$e young man manages to belt out t$e word "ice" >ust be)ore $urling a
mout$)ul o) 2omit toward Ted+ It takes all Ted's strengt$ to dodge t$e
"uke and "ull $imsel) back into t$e bat$room+ (e )alls back on t$e
)loor+
(e "ro"s $imsel) u" and c$ecks )or damage+ (e notices somet$ing odd + +
+ t$e room is silent+ No !ig)ried+ (e walks into t$e bedroom+
&.T T08
INT+ (0TL *-R00M::M0MNT! LATR
Ted looks around t$e still room+ No one's t$ere+
T-
!ig)ried;
(e $eads toward t$e door and# )rom out o) t$e corner o) $is eye# $e
s"ots !ig)ried's $airy leg+ !ig)ried $as "assed out on t$e )loor+
Angela's c$air $as been knocked on its side+ Ted races o2er to $el"
li)t $er back u"+ (e "ulls t$e gag )rom $er mout$+ Angela >um"s all
o2er $im+
AN,LA
1$ere's t$e )ucking nitro;
T-
I couldn't )ind it@
AN,LA
3ou took long enoug$+ .ntie me# )or &$rist's sake# you
)ucking u"set $im and $e's dying+
Ted struggles to untie Angela+
T-
I t$oug$t you wanted to kill $im+
AN,LA
3ou'd make a great co"# T$eodore+
T$e knots are all o2er t$e "lace and a real bitc$ to untie+
T-
I can't $andle t$is alone# I'd better get $el"+
Ted turns on a dime and runs smack into !ig)ried# w$o's been taking in
t$e w$ole con2ersation+
!I,FRI-
I tie a "retty good knot# don't I# Ted;
T-
T$ank ,od you're okay + + +
!I,FRI-
Ne2er )elt better+
Angela $ears !ig)ried's 2oice )rom be$ind $er back+
AN,LA
3ou bastard@
!I,FRI-
<to Angela=
&ome on# $oney# don't get mad+ It was >ust a little test# and
I'm glad I did it because now I'll know )ore2er t$at you
really do lo2e me+ Truly and dee"ly+
AN,LA
I) t$e sim"le )act t$at I didn't want your bloated# dead body
lying out on t$e )loor is lo2e# t$en no wonder we )ind
oursel2es as we are at t$is 2ery )ucking moment+
!I,FRI-
0$# no+ I $eard you and t$ere was genuine care in t$at
2oice+ &an't be denied+ &an it# Ted;
T-
I t$ink you're rig$t and# i) you >ust kee" t$is kind o) o"en
dialogue going# you'll go a long way to resol2ing t$is misunderstanding+
Ted edges $is way toward t$e door+
T-
<continuing=
3ou'd be sur"rised w$at $a""ens w$en "eo"le >ust listen to
eac$ ot$er wit$out succumbing to all t$at "ain and anger+
AN,LA
3ou $eard s$it# monkey boy+ asy )or you to say a)ter you
)uck anot$er man's wi)e+ 3ou s$ould at least $a2e t$e guts
to stand by your con2ictions+
!ig)ried turns an icy eye on Ted# w$o $as gi2en u" all $o"e o) e2er
getting out o) t$e room+
T-
T$at's a lie# !ig)ried+ I swear to ,od+
Angela continues $er tirade+
AN,LA
1$en I t$ink o) all t$e times you were inside me "romising
me a better li)e# it makes me want to "uke+
!ig)ried slowly raises $is gun# "ointing it directly at Ted's c$est+
T-
1$y are you doing t$is; 1$at $a2e I e2er done to you "eo"le;
AN,LA
1$at didn't you do# stick man; .n)ortunately# you don't
$a2e t$e balls to back u" t$e actions o) your $uge cock+
T$e words $it !ig)ried like bullets to t$e c$est + + + $is legs weaken+
!I,FRI-
<w$im"ering=
(e's got a $uge cock;
T-
!$e's lying again# mister+ It's not t$at big+
!I,FRI-
!$ow it to me+
T-
&ome on# man# s$e's lying+ &an't you see s$e's )ucking wit$ you;
AN,LA
/ut it t$is way# ,od made u" )or w$at $e did to ,umby
wit$ Ted $ere+
!I,FRI-
!$ow it to me+
AN,LA
!$ow $im your cock# T$eodore+
!ig)ried runs o2er to Angela and kneels in )ront o) $er+
!I,FRI-
!to" talking about $is cock# will you;@
AN,LA
It's $ard to sto" talking about somet$ing so $uge+ I could
go on and on about $is cock# bone# nob# bis$o"# wang#
t$ang# $otrod+ (um" mobile# 0scar# dong# dagger# banana#
cucumber# salami+ !ausage# kielbasa# sc$long# dink# tool#
*ig *en# Mister (a""y# "rick# disk# "ecker# "eter# "ee:"ee#
wee:wee# weiner# "isser# "istol# >oint# $ose# $orn# middle:
leg# t$ird:leg# meat# stick# >oystick# di"stick+
Angela is on a roll+ !$e )ires t$e words at !ig)ried# $itting $im
"ointblank+ (e staggers+ (e "leads wit$ $er to sto"# co2ering $is ears+
Ted watc$es t$e man crumble+
AN,LA
<continuing=
%unior# t$e little $ead# little guy# Rum"le Foreskin# Tootsie
Roll+ !nake# one:eyed monster# one:eyed wonder# s$a)t#
sword# meat w$istle# skin )lute# lo2e muscle# Roto:Rooter#
instrument# banger# rammer# ramrod# c$erry"icker# log#
"ole+
!ig)ried tries >amming t$e sock back in $er mout$ to sto" t$e )lowA s$e
manages to gi2e $im a ")uck o) a bite" in t$e "rocess+ Meanw$ile# Ted
)igures t$is to be $is moment to make a mo2e and bolts )or t$e door#
only to be tackled by !ig)ried at t$e one:yard line+ A)ter a struggle#
t$e two men rest on t$e )loor# catc$ing t$eir breat$ in a relaxed
embrace+
!I,FRI-
/lease# don't lea2e me+ I'll call you Ted )rom now on+
T-
It's not me# mister# I swear+
!I,FRI-
/ersonally# I don't gi2e a )uck# Ted# it's >ust I don't want to
be alone rig$t now+ I'm )eeling a little 2ulnerable+
!ig)ried $ea2es t$e gun o2er $is s$oulder# grabs a $al):em"ty bottle o)
%ack -aniel's# and "asses it to Ted# w$o takes a $it+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
No guns# okay; %ust you and me# Ted+ 3ou know my )at$er
used to say t$at )orgi2eness is t$e only t$ing t$at e2il can't
sink its teet$ into+
T-
T$at's beauti)ul+
!I,FRI-
Cind o) nice down $ere on t$e )loor# isn't it# Ted;
T-
3es# actually+
!I,FRI-
T$ings take on a w$ole new "ers"ecti2e + + + + 3ou'd like my
trust# wouldn't you# Ted;
T-
3es I would+
!I,FRI-
I >ust got one t$ing to ask you and I'll let you go+
T-
0kay+ 0kay+
!I,FRI-
Tell me straig$t now+
T-
1$at;
!I,FRI-
1$at was it like;
T-
1$at was w$at like;
!I,FRI-
3ou know# you and $er+
T-
0$# )or )uck sake# !ig)ried# w$at do you want me to say;
!I,FRI-
it$er way you're )ucked# rig$t; 3ou e2er gonna see $er
again# T$eodore;
T-
I) I e2er saw $er again# I'd run t$e ot$er way+
!I,FRI-
/romise;
T-
I "romise+
!ig)ried releases Ted and stands u"+
!I,FRI-
3ou're lying# but I can res"ect t$at# Ted+ I) you told me# it
would no longer be a secret# and secrets $a2e a "ower# kid+
3ou o"en t$at box and t$ey disa""ear )ore2er+ A bad secret
will ri" you a"art# but t$e good one are all you got+ In t$e
end# w$en all t$e "eo"le you knew are dead and gone# all you'll
$a2e le)t are you secrets+ And w$en you die# t$e box is o"en
and it all blows away::dust to dust::all t$e anger# >ealousy#
desire and lo2e >ust blow away+
!ig)ried t$rows $is $and out to $el" Ted u"+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
!o you know w$at I say# let's call it a truce# kiddo+
!ig)ried takes Ted by t$e $and and leads $im to an o"en window+ Ted is
o2ercome by t$e sweetness in !ig)ried's 2oice and )ollows $im to t$e
window willingly+ T$e two men look out into t$e dark Los Angeles nig$t+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
I'm a man o) lo2e# T$eodore+ Lo2e is all I li2e )or+
T-
I can see t$at+
!I,FRI-
Maybe to a )ault+
T-
-on't beat yoursel) u" o2er it+
!I,FRI-
T$at's nice o) you to say# Ted# but I "robably s$ould make
a clean break o) it# cut $er loose and get my own "lace+ I
>ust can't imagine li2ing wit$out $er+ -o you t$ink I s$ould
seek "ro)essional $el";
T-
It's not )or e2eryone# but maybe in your case it could $el"+
!I,FRI-
3ou e2er been out on t$e ocean at nig$t;
Ted s$akes $is $ead+
!I,FRI-
<continuing=
I $a2e + + + scary as a mot$er)ucker# all t$at darkness around
you+ It's like a big black car"et rolled out as )ar as t$e eye
can see+ !ometimes# i) you're lucky# you'll see a lig$t+ It
could be as small as a little s"ark# but it will cut a "at$
straig$t t$roug$ all t$at blackness# straig$t to you+ It could
be anot$er boat# or some distant )ire on an island# but t$at
lig$t will s$ed a s$ining "at$ o) diamonds cutting t$roug$
mile a)ter mile o) darkness to lie at your )eet+ T$at's lo2e#
Ted# it's like a "at$ o) lig$t in an ocean o) darkness+
Ted and !ig)ried stare out o) t$e window in "eace# trans)ixed by t$e
glimmering lig$ts o) t$e city+ A loud !(0T rings out# s$attering t$e
still moment+ T$e two men s"in around+ Angela stands t$ere wit$ a
smoking gun $anging at $er side+ !ig)ried dro"s to $is knees+ Ted
c$ecks $im out# no blood+ Angela $as )ired t$e gun into t$e )loor
below+ Ted looks u" at Angela+ Angela o"ens t$e c$amber o) t$e "istol
and $ands t$e bullets to Ted+
AN,LA
<to Ted=
3ou'd better go c$eck to see i) I killed anybody downstairs+
!ig)ried is bent o2er# silently wee"ing on t$e )loor+
T-
3ou "eo"le gonna be okay;
Angela sits next to !ig)ried and gently strokes $is back+
AN,LA
1e're )ine# Ted+
Ted "oints to a tray wit$ $al):eaten )ood on it+
T-
1ould you like me to + + + ;
AN,LA
Anot$er time# Ted+
Ted slowly walks toward t$e door and takes one last look at t$e strange
cou"le at rest in t$e corner o) t$e room be)ore closing t$e door be$ind
$im+
&.T T08
INT+ (ALL1A3::M0MNT! LATR
Ted walks down t$e $allway# lost in t$oug$t+ An energetic 3oung ,uy
wit$ a bou?uet o) )lowers "lows into $im+
30.N, ,.3
(a""y New 3ear# buddy+
T-
(a""y New 3ear+
30.N, ,.3
I was >ust in room I7I# w$at a "arty@ 3ou know w$ere room I75 is at;
T-
*eats me+ It's somew$ere around $ere+
T$e guy takes o)) in t$e direction Ted's walking )rom+ Ted suddenly
realizes w$o t$is guy is and w$i"s around# s$outing to t$e 3oung ,uy+
T-
<continuing=
(ey# w$at's your name;
T$e door !LAM! on room I75+
FA- 0.T
FA- T0 *LA&C
!T0R3 TITL &AR-8
room B4J
"T( MI!*(A9R!"
FA- ./
T( FR0NT -!C
!./R8 47867 "+m+
Ted is relaxing at t$e )ront desk+ (e breat$es slowly+ (e )inally $as
one moment's "eace a)ter an already long nig$t+ (e e2en $as a c$ance to
straig$ten $is tie+
T$e "$one RIN,!+
T-
Front desk+
&.T T08
R00M B4J
&L0!:./ o) a cigarette $anging out o) a Man's mout$ as $e s"eaks into
t$e tele"$one+
MAN
*ottle o) Moet et &$andon+ Fast+
Man $angs u" t$e "$one and stubs out $is cigarette into an already
o2erstu))ed as$tray by t$e bed+ Man turns around to )ace t$e camera+ (e
is a dark and $andsome Latin male in $is mid:67s+ -angerous+ Im"atient+
(e walks toward t$e camera as $e continues straig$tening $is tie+
(e sto"s at t$e door o) t$e bat$room and watc$es $is 1i)e and two kids
get ready )or t$e "arty+ 1i)e seems to be a beauti)ul woman in $er mid:
67s+ T$e c$ildren are !ara$# nine# and %uanc$o# six+
Man strikes u" anot$er cigarette and )inis$es $is tie+
(e watc$es $is 1i)e comb %uanc$o's $air down and to t$e side like an
idiot+
Not being able to stand it anymore# Man tears %uanc$o away )rom $is
1i)e and snatc$es t$e comb+
MAN
,i2e me t$at + + +
Man begins to slick %uanc$o's $air back+
MAN
T$ere + + + see; 3ou look cool wit$ your $air u" like t$is+
Like me + + + +
%uanc$o is smiling now+ (e's $a""y $e's going to look like $is dad+
MAN
Not down and to t$e side# all stu"id like your mom likes to
comb it+
%uanc$o looks o2er at !ara$# w$o is going t$roug$ t$e tortuous ritual
o) $a2ing $er mot$er brus$ t$e tangles out o) $er long# unmanageable
$air+
1i)e seems to be taking out $er aggressions on t$e tangled mess+
Man is starting to $a2e "roblems o) $is own wit$ %uanc$o's $air+
%uanc$o's $air is t$inner t$an Man's# so it won't stay u"+
Man "uts down $is cigarette in order to get a better $andle on it+ 1e
see t$e )rustration growing in $is )ace+
%uanc$o "icks u" t$e cigarette and "retends $e's smoking too# >ust like
$is dad+
Man tears t$e cigarette away )rom %uanc$o and smokes it down to t$e
)ilter+ (e looks at $is own cool $air# and t$en down at %uanc$o's#
w$ic$ won't stay u"+
Man )licks t$e cigarette butt into t$e toilet in )rustration+
MAN
3ou'2e got your mot$er's $air+
In anger# Man starts messing u" %uanc$o's $air+
MAN
I can't do anyt$ing wit$ it+
Furious# Man sim"ly swi"es %uanc$o's $air back down and to t$e side#
t$e way 1i)e $ad it be)ore+ %uanc$o looks like an idiot again+
MAN
T$ere+ ,o+
%uanc$o slouc$es "ast e2eryone as $e exits t$e bat$room+
!ara$ watc$es $im lea2e as $er own $air is )inis$ed+
1IF
<"utting a "lastic cli" in !ara$'s $air=
T$ere+ ,o+
!ara$ exits+
1i)e t$en )inis$es $er own gorgeous $air+ Man lig$ts u" a new
cigarette+
1IF
<mocking=
!o# are we gonna $a2e )un tonig$t;
Man blows smoke in 1i)e's )ace as $e walks out o) t$e bat$room+
1IF
I didn't t$ink so+
!ara$ $as >oined %uanc$o in watc$ing tele2ision+
Man watc$es t$e c$ildren watc$ T9+ 1e can see t$e w$eels turning in
Man's $ead+
(e turns back to t$e bat$room+
(e watc$es 1i)e now+ 1$eels turning+ /ractically burning rubber+
MAN
(ey+
1i)e "uts t$e li"stick down and turns to $er $usband+ !$e is beauti)ul+
MAN
<s$rugs=
Let's >ust lea2e t$e kids $ere+
1i)e glances out at t$e c$ildren# eyes glued to t$e tube+
1IF
(ere in t$e room; *y t$emsel2es;
MAN
No + + + wit$ t$e tele2ision+
1i)e t$inks about it )or a second+ !$e s$rugs a "sure+"
MAN
3ou want to $a2e )un tonig$t# don't you;
1IF
3es+
MAN
T$ey'll be )ine+
(e kisses 1i)e's )ace and exits t$e bat$room+ !$e co2ers t$e wet s"ot
wit$ more cake makeu"+
MAN
(ey+
T$e c$ildren turn to )ace $im+
MAN
3ou guys are going to stay $ere and watc$ T9+
T$e c$ildren look at eac$ ot$er+
MAN
I want you to be in bed aslee" be)ore twel2e+ 3our mot$er
and I will be back later on+
1i)e goes straig$t )or t$e door+
MAN
0kay;
(e blows one kiss+ 0ne )or bot$ o) t$em+
As Man and $is 1i)e walk out t$e door# Man turns back to t$e c$ildren +
+ + +
MAN
-on't misbe$a2e+
(e closes t$e door+
!ara$ stands in t$e middle o) t$e room+ !$e's looking at t$e door Man
and 1i)e >ust disa""eared t$roug$+ !tunned+
(er dress looks )rilly and beauti)ully uncom)ortable+ !$e touc$es t$e
edges o) t$e )abric+
!ARA(
1$y did we $a2e to get all dressed u" i) we weren't going
wit$ t$em;
&.T T08
INT+ (ALL1A3
Man and 1i)e are walking down t$e $all+
Man sto"s in $is tracks+ 1i)e sto"s too and looks at Man+ T$ey wait+
&.T T08
R00M B4J
%uanc$o s$uts o)) t$e tele2ision+ (e dro"s t$e remote to t$e )loor+ (is
attention is on t$e )ireworks outside+ (e lea"s to t$e window and
begins unlatc$ing it+
!ARA(
1$at are you doing;
%.AN&(0
sca"ing+ !tinks in $ere# anyway+
Man bursts t$roug$ t$e door o) t$e $otel room and stands in t$e
doorway# glaring at t$e misc$ie2ous %uanc$o+
%uanc$o bangs $is $ead on t$e window trying to get back inside+ (e
lea"s to t$e )loor and tries to turn on t$e T9 wit$ t$e remote+
MAN
<stern=
1$at did I say;
%uanc$o turns to Man as i) $e'd been sitting t$ere watc$ing tele2ision
t$e w$ole time+
MAN
*e$a2e+
%.AN&(0
3es# /a"a+
Ted a""ears at t$e door wit$ Man's c$am"agne+
T-
T$e c$am"agne you ordered# sir+
MAN
No time )or t$is+ Lea2e it on ice+
Ted "roceeds to "lace t$e c$am"agne in t$e room+
1IF
*ut I want some now + + +
Ted is torn+ Man "us$es $im into t$e room+
MAN
T$ere'll be "lenty )or you and t$e "arty# baby# you can bomb
yoursel) all you want at t$e "arty+
1IF
1$at a waste+
Ted "laces t$e bucket near t$e bed+ A)ter setting u" t$e bottle# $e
turns to lea2e# but now Man closes t$e door# tra""ing Ted inside wit$
t$em+
MAN
<to Ted=
(ey+
Ted looks around# bewildered+ Now w$at;
Man is reac$ing into $is coat "ocket+
MAN
3ou want )i2e $undred bucks;
T-
!ure@
Man $esitates a moment# t$en "ulls out $is wallet+ T$at was too easy+
MAN
(ow about t$ree;
T-
T$ree $undred;
MAN
3ea$+
T-
T$ree's good+
MAN
My c$ildren are staying $ere tonig$t watc$ing T9+ I want
you to c$eck u" on t$em e2ery t$irty minutes+
T-
&$eck u" on 'em;
MAN
Make sure t$ey're all rig$t# make sure t$ey're )ed# make
sure t$ey go to bed+
T-
1e can call out and $ire a babysitter+
MAN
I don't trust babysitters+ My c$ildren are sa)er alone t$an
wit$ some )ucked:u" "edo"$ile babysitter I don't know
)rom t$e man in t$e )ucking moon+
1IF
1$at about $im; 1$at makes you t$ink you can trust $im;
Man grabs Ted's )ace and tilts it torward 1i)e+
MAN
Tell me t$at's not a )ace you can trust+
Man lets go o) Ted's )ace+ (e )eels $is >aw+ It's still t$ere+
T-
Look# sir# I'd like to $el" you out# but I really can't+ I'm all
alone $ere tonig$t+
Man w$i"s out $is wallet and counts out money in Ted's )ace+
MAN
0ne $undred + + + two $undred + + + t$ree $undred + + +
T-
I t$oug$t you said )i2e $undred+
Man glares at Ted+
MAN
I said t$ree $undred+
Ted doesn't back down+
T-
No# you distinctly said )i2e $undred+
T$e angrier Man gets# t$e ?uieter $e talks+
MAN
3ou calling me a liar;
Ted# w$ile not backing down# massages t$e situation+
T-
No# I'm not saying you're lying+ I'm saying you accidentally
)orgot t$at w$at you )irst said was )i2e $undred+
Man $as ne2er been c$allenged like t$is by a )uckin' bellboy+
MAN
I don't do anyt$ing accidentally# >erk+ I mig$t'2e )irst said
)i2e $undred# but w$at I last said was t$ree $undred# and
w$at you say last is w$at counts+
Ted not only doesn't back down# but "syc$ologically "okes $is )inger in
t$e scary Man's c$est+
T-
1ell t$en# i) you say )i2e $undred one last time# we got a deal+
Man's eyes narrow+ (e "$ysically "okes $is )inger in Ted's c$est+
MAN
3ou )uckin' wit$ me# /ende>o;
Now Ted takes a ste" backwards+
T-
No# not at all+ It's New 3ear's 2e and I'm $ere alone+ I)
t$ere was somebody else $ere# no "roblem# but I'm by mysel)+
And looking a)ter your kids is a "ain in t$e ass I don't need::
MAN
3ou callin' my kids a "ain in t$e ass;
T-
::No# t$ey're not a "ain in t$e ass# it's t$e situation t$at's
a "ain in t$e ass+
Man dro"s t$e tenseness+
MAN
No# you were rig$t t$e )irst time+ 3ou win# toug$ guy# )i2e $undred+
Man res"ects Ted )or not backing down# but not insulting $im eit$er+ A
skill Man ne2er learned+ 1i)e s$oots a look at t$e c$ildren+
1IF
<disgusted=
3ou kids are getting ex"ensi2e+
%uanc$o turns back to t$e T9+
!ara$ stares down 1i)e+
MAN
<looking at name tag=
1$at's your name; Ted;
&L0!:./ o) name tag+
T-
3ea$+ It's Ted+
Man tears o)) Ted's name tag and t$rows it to c$ildren+
MAN
<to t$e c$ildren=
(is name is Ted+ I) you need anyt$ing# dial 7 and ask )or Ted+
!ara$ catc$es t$e name tag and reads t$e name on it8 "T-::*LL(0/+"
!ara$ looks u" at Ted+ !$e cli"s t$e "in to $er dress and smiles s$yly
at $im+
Man "uts t$e money in Ted's "ocket and t$en grabs $is ear# "ulling $im
close+
MAN
<deadly w$is"er=
I) somet$ing $a""ens to my c$ildren# I wouldn't want to be you+
1IF
Make sure t$ey're in bed be)ore midnig$t+
T-
<t$inking=
*e)ore midnig$t; T$en s$ould I wake t$em u" )or t$e
countdown to t$e New 3ear;
1i)e looks disgusted+
1IF
No + + +
As Man and 1i)e exit# $e turns to t$e kids and says8
MAN
-on't misbe$a2e+
Man closes t$e door+
INT+ (ALL1A3
Man and 1i)e book it down t$e $all be)ore Ted can c$ange $is mind+
R00M B4J
Ted is standing )acing t$e door t$e Man and 1i)e >ust disa""eared
t$roug$+ (e turns around slowly to )ace t$e c$ildren+
(is eyes are wide+ (is )ace is ?uiet+ !tern+
T$e c$ildren are staring at $im+
T-
0kay+ T$ese are t$e rules+ -on't break t$e rules and I won't
break your necks+
T$e kids look at eac$ ot$er+
T-
<smiling=
I always wanted to say t$at+ !omeone said t$at to me w$en
I was a kid+
!ara$ laug$s at $is >oke+
T-
xce"t t$ey were >oking+ I'm not+
Ted goes to t$e door+
T-
T$e rules are sim"le+ -on't do anyt$ing you wouldn't do i)
your "arents were $ere+ I) t$ere's an emergency# call me on
t$e "$one# like your dad said+
!ARA(
T$at's not w$at $e said+
Ted's sur"rised by a c$allenge t$is early in t$e game+
!ARA(
(e said to call i) we need anyt$ing+
T-
1ell# I'2e got a lot o) work to do and I can't $a2e you calling
me e2ery time you want a drink o) water# so "lease limit
your calls to emergencies only+
!ARA(
1e "aid you )i2e $undred dollars+ 1e'll call you i) we need
anyt$ing+ 3ou don't want to u"set my dad+
T-
0kay+ /lease+ Try to call only w$en necessary+ 1atc$ T9#
and i) you're good# I'll bring u" some milk and cookies+ *ye+
Ted lea2es+
&.T T08
INT+ (ALL1A3
Ted walks briskly down t$e $all# counting $is money t$e w$ole way+
&.T T08
INT+ R00M B4J
%uanc$o takes o)) $is socks and s$oes and t$rows t$em onto t$e )loor+
!ara$ looks at t$e discarded s$oes and socks+
&L0! 0N t$e s$oes and socks+
!ara$ looks o2er at %uanc$o's bare )eet+ (er nose twitc$es+
!ARA(
3our )eet stink+
%uanc$o smells $is )eet+
%.AN&(0
T$ey don't stink+
!ara$ t$rows $is s$oes and socks be$ind $er+ T$ey land on t$e bed+
%uanc$o is )li""ing c$annels and )inds an interesting s$ow+
%.AN&(0
&$eck it out+ T K A+
!ara$ realizes $e )ound a Nudie station+
!ARA(
&$ange it+ 3ou're not su""osed to watc$ t$is+
%.AN&(0
1e're su""osed to watc$ T9+
!ARA(
Not t$is kind o) T9+ &$ange it+
%uanc$o rolls u" in a ball# t$e remote tucked in some recess o) $is
stomac$+
!ara$ $its $im# t$en goes to t$e "$one+ !$e "unc$es 7# sits on t$e bed#
and c$ecks t$e name on t$e name tag "inned to $er s$irt+
&.T T08
FR0NT -!C
Ted walks u" to t$e )ront desk >ust as t$e "$one rings+
T-
Front desk+
INT+ R00M B4J
!ara$ is taking o)) $er w$ite winter tig$ts+
!ARA(
Ted; (i+ It's me# !ara$+ 3ou're our sitter )or tonig$t+
T-
0$# %esus# w$at did I tell you; I said i) you don't bot$er me#
you'll get milk and cookies+ Now# do you want t$em or do you not;
!ARA(
I want you to turn o)) t$e Nudie station in our room+
Ted c$ecks t$e com"uter+
T-
<reading stats on room B4J=
I can't turn on an adult station wit$out "ermission )rom
your "arents+
!ARA(
No+
<struggling wit$ winter tig$ts=
Not turn it on# turn it o))+ It's already on+
T-
T$at's not w$at t$e mac$ine tells me+
!ARA(
1ell# sto" listening to t$e mac$ine and listen to me+
T$ere's naked ladies dancing on my T9 and I want 'em o))+
T-
I) you're good# you'll get milk and cookies# so lea2e me
alone# "lease+ I'll be u" later to "ut you bot$ to slee"+
(e $angs u"+
R00M B4J
Angry# !ara$ slams down t$e "$one+ !$e $as an unusually adult tem"er+
1e know w$ere s$e gets it )rom+ !$e looks u" and sees t$at t$e nudies
are still in )ull )orce+
!ARA(
&$ange t$e c$annel# now@
%uanc$o turns around+ (e $as a )ace like someone >ust laid a )art in
$is nose+
%.AN&(0
Man# you're t$e one wit$ t$e stinky )eet+
!ara$ smells $er )eet+ Twice+
!ARA(
T$ey don't stink+
%.AN&(0
3ea$# t$ey do+
!ARA(
(ere# smell )or yoursel)+
!$e sticks $er )oot out )or %uanc$o to smell+ (e's reluctant+ Fear)ul+
!ARA(
,o a$ead+
(e slowly# 2ery slowly + + + climbs onto t$e bed and lowers $is $ead to
$er )oot+ 9ery slowly+
!ara$ waits until $e's close enoug$ to $er )oot be)ore s$e kicks $im in
t$e )ace# sending $im somersaulting o)) t$e bed and cras$ing to t$e
)loor+
!$e grabs t$e remote control $e le)t be$ind and c$anges t$e c$annel to
a cartoon+
%uanc$o gets u" and realizes $is de)eat+ (e decides to wander about+
Looking )or somet$ing to do + + +
!ara$ tries to ignore $im as $e stalks t$e room+ It's only a matter o)
time be)ore $e )inds misc$ie)+
%uanc$o sees t$e c$am"agne bucket and *ingo@# $e goes )or t$e bottle+
%.AN&(0
<$olding u" t$e bottle=
(ey# get a bottle o"ener@
!ara$ o"ens $er mout$# as i) about to tell $im to lea2e t$e c$am"agne
alone+ !$e sto"s $ersel) w$en s$e realizes s$e wants some c$am"agne
too+
!$e ?uickly scrambles about )or a bottle o"ener w$ile %uanc$o unwra"s
t$e bottle to"+
!ara$ o"ens t$e dresser drawer wit$ suc$ )orce t$at a )ew $idden
contents long )orgotten in t$e back o) t$e drawer slide )orward+
!ome coins# a "a"ercli"# and a $y"odermic needle+ !$e looks down at t$e
needle t$at lays beside t$e ,ideon *ible and casually "icks t$e "$one
back u" and "unc$es 7+ T$e "$one rings+
FR0NT -!C
Ted# bucket o) ice in $is $and# gets ready to go to room I7I+ As $e
crosses t$e desk# t$e "$one rings+ (e looks at t$e board and see room
B4J's lig$t blinking+ (e sig$s in exas"eration+
INT+ R00M B4J
!ara$ sees %uanc$o s$aking t$e c$am"agne bottle 2iolently+
!ARA(
-on't s$ake it@
<into "$one=
Ted; (i+ It's me+ !ara$+
T-
3ea$+ 1$o died; No one; T$en don't call me+
!ARA(
I t$oug$t I'd tell you t$at your cleaning ladies are doing
a bum >ob+ T$ere's all kinds o) le)to2er stu)) around $ere+
!ara$ "icks u" t$e needle and rolls it o2er in $er $and se2eral times+
!ARA(
Needles and t$ings+ 1e're not su""osed to $a2e needles
$ere# are we; I mean# t$ey don't come wit$ t$e room# do
t$ey; !end someone u" $ere to clean t$is "lace u" rig$t+
T$e c$am"agne bottle ex"lodes all o2er %uanc$o+ (e looks sur"rised+
!ARA(
<to %uanc$o=
I T0L- 30. N0T T0 !(AC IT@
<to Ted=
I gotta go+ My brot$er >ust ex"loded t$e c$am"agne all o2er
t$e room+ 0$# and bring us a cou"le o) toot$brus$es+
T$ere's a card in t$e bat$room t$at says you'll bring )ree
toot$brus$es i) we ask )or t$em+
!$e $angs u"+
A )rustrated Ted $angs u" t$e "$one+ (e walks briskly to t$e ele2ator+
!ara$ and %uanc$o are "ouring t$emsel2es c$am"agne+ T$ey turn u" t$e
tele2ision and drink+ %uanc$o s$udders at t$e taste# but tries to drink
as muc$ as !ara$+
!ara$ clearly doesn't like it# but tries to "retend s$e does+
!ara$ "icks u" an instruction card near t$e "$one to see $ow to make
room:to:room calls+
!ARA(
I'm calling anot$er room# gi2e me t$ree numbers+
%.AN&(0
I:7:5+
!ara$ "unc$es in t$e room number+ T$e "$one rings+
!$e $olds t$e needle u" to t$e lig$t to examine it+
!ARA(
(ello; (i+ 3ou don't know me# and I don't know you# but
+ + + do you $a2e any needles; 1e'2e got needles $ere and
I was wondering i) t$ey come wit$ t$e room or not+ -on't
$a2e any; T$anks+ %ust c$ecking+
!$e $angs u"+
%uanc$o "uts down $is c$am"agne glass and searc$es $is )at$er's coat
"ocket+ (e )inds a "ack o) cigarettes and takes one out+ (e "uts it in
$is mout$ and "retends to smoke+
!ara$ c$ecks out t$e $y"odermic needle care)ully+ !$e $as an idea+
M0NTA,8
In t$e bat$room# !ara$ seeks out $er mot$er's li"stick+
R00M B4J
!ara$ stands ato" t$e c$est o) drawers and uses t$e li"stick to draw a
bull's:eye on one o) t$e $otel art "aintings+ !$e writes numbers next
to eac$ circle re"resenting "oints+
%uanc$o is standing at t$e )oot o) t$e bed# cigarette $anging out o)
$is mout$# as $e "ractices $is dart:t$rowing tec$ni?ue+
!ARA(
<"ointing out t$e rules=
T$e center is t$e bull's eye# 477 "oints# t$is one's 47
"oints# t$is one's D7 "oints+
1(A&C@ T$e needle lands an inc$ )rom $er )ace in t$e D7:"oint slot+
!ARA(
(ey# wait a minute+ Let me get out o) t$e way@
!ara$# a little ti"sy now# grabs t$e needle and staggers to t$e bed+
!$e $ears t$e key in t$e doorway and t$rows t$e needle into t$e curtain
to $ide it+
Ted enters t$e room# somew$at dis$e2eled )rom $is encounter wit$
!ig)ried+ (e $as a tray and a new bottle o) c$am"agne+
(e "uts t$e c$am"agne bottle into t$e em"ty bucket+ (e s"ots t$e
original bottle lying on t$e )loor $al) em"ty and dri""ing into t$e
car"et+
T-
I broug$t you some milk and cookies+ I) you want some you
$a2e to eat t$em now# because you're going to slee"+
!ARA(
1e're going to slee" now;
T-
3our "arents said "ut you to bed be)ore midnig$t+ 1ell# it's
be)ore midnig$t+ Maybe t$at way you'll lea2e me alone+
!ARA(
T$ose aren't milk and cookies+
T-
1e were out o) cookies# so I broug$t you milk and !altines+
-on't com"lain@ Now $urry u" and eat+ 3ou're going to bed
rig$t now+
%uanc$o bites into a !altine+ !ara$ sim"ly examines one+
%.AN&(0
T$ese are old+
!ARA(
T$ey're stale+
T-
<im"atient=
-i" 'em in t$e milk@ T$e milk will make t$em so)t+
!ara$ gi2es u" and t$rows t$e cracker back onto t$e tray+ !$e's a
little drunk+
Ted "icks u" t$e ruined c$am"agne bottle+
%uanc$o di"s $is crackers and eats t$em+ (e makes a )ace and dro"s a
soggy cracker onto t$e tray+
T-
No crackers; 0kay# )ine+ !lee"y time+ Now# I don't want
you guys wandering around# so i) you need to go to t$e
restroom# go now+
T$ey go to t$e bat$room+ Ted sits on t$e bed+ 1aits+
(e sees t$e "ainting on t$e wall but can't )igure out w$at's di))erent
about it+ T$e red li"stick blends rig$t into t$e aest$etic 2alue o) t$e
"ainting+
Ted smells somet$ing )unny+ (e looks down and sees t$e socks on t$e
bed+ (e grabs a )ork )rom t$e tray and uses it to t$row t$e socks
across t$e room+
T$e kids come back out+
%.AN&(0
1$at about our "a>amas;
T-
3ou wanna look nice in case t$ere's an eart$?uake#
don'tc$a;
T$e c$ildren nod+
T-
0kay+ T$en stay in t$ose clot$es+
T$e kids lie on t$e bed+
!ara$ notices a >ar o) Ment$olatum ointment on t$e dinner tray+
!ARA(
1$at's t$at;
T-
0$# t$is is >ust some Ment$olatum ointment+ &ome on#
under t$e co2ers+ &lose your eyes and I'll tell you a story+
T$e c$ildren close t$eir eyes+ Ted o"ens t$e >ar o) t$e ointment and
sni))s it+ !trong stu)) by t$e look on $is )ace+
T-
3our dad says $e doesn't trust babysitters+ I don't blame
$im+ 3ou know w$at my babysitter did to me once;
<con)iding=
I ne2er told my "arents# eit$er+
T$e c$ildren lie in t$e bed# eyes closed# listening intently+
Te" di"s $is )ingers in t$e >ar o) 2a"orous ointment+
T-
I $ated going to slee"+ 3ou know# it's nig$ttime and you
wanna run around and act crazy+ !o w$at my babysitter
did to make sure I'd go to slee" and not be tem"ted to get
u"# was# s$e'd take some o) t$is 2a"or rub stu)) + + + &an
you smell t$is;
yes closed# t$e kids in$ale+ T$ey smell t$e ointment and nod yes+
T-
1ell# s$e'd >ust dab a little o) t$is o2er eac$ eyelid# so t$at
I would be sure and kee" my eyes closed all nig$t+
Ted is s"reading t$e ointment o2er t$eir eyelids as $e says t$is+
T-
T$ere+ Now you'2e got some# too@ -on't o"en your eyes or
it'll burrrn# burn# burn+ T$e smell $el"s clear your sinuses
too# so it's doing double duty+
%.AN&(0
1$at $a""ens w$en it's morning;
T-
I) you kee" your eyes closed all nig$t# it will wear o)) by
morning+ *ut -0N'T 0/N 30.R 3! *F0R
T(AT + + + +
!ARA(
-id you e2er o"en your eyes;
xtreme &L0!:./ on Ted's eyes+
T-
3es + + + I did+
T$e c$ildren are ?uiet+
T-
And now look at me+
&(IL-RN
<in unison=
1e can't+
T-
,ood+ 3ou'll do >ust )ine+ !lee" well and I won't tell your
"arents about t$e c$am"agne+
Ted lea2es+
&.T T08
AFTR A M0MNT 0F -ARCN!!
A)ter a moment o) darkness# t$e nig$t is disturbed by t$e loud cras$ing
o) )ireworks outside t$e window+
!ara$ sits u"# eyes closed+ (er )ace )eels t$e warmt$ coming )rom t$e
window and s$e tilts $er $ead toward it+
T$e lig$t o) t$e )ireworks dances its re)lections o)) $er )ace+
!$e in$ales dee"ly + + + t$en makes a sour )ace+ !$e goes )or t$e
bat$room# arms outstretc$ed like a blind girl+ !$e gets to t$e
bat$room# turns on t$e lig$t# and searc$es )or t$e sink+
!$e begins to was$ t$e ointment o)) $er eyes 2ery care)ully+ !$e dries
$er eyes t$oroug$ly and o"ens t$em + + + c$ecks t$em in t$e mirror+ A
little red# but ot$erwise )ine+
!$e goes back into t$e bedroom# turns on t$e tele2ision and grabs t$e
new c$am"agne bottle+ !$e s$akes it 2iolently+
%uanc$o wakes+ (e turns $is $ead to $er+ (is eyes are still closed+
%.AN&(0
Are you watc$ing T9;
T$e c$am"agne bottle ex"lodes+ !$e "ours $ersel) a glass+
!ARA(
3e"+ I) you wanna watc$ too# you $a2e to go was$ your )ace+
%uanc$o gets u" smiling and tries to run to t$e bat$room+ (e slams into
t$e wall# $ard+
!ARA(
*e care)ul + + +
%uanc$o walks into t$e bat$room a little slower# more cautious+
!ara$ "ours $ersel) anot$er glass+ !$e downs t$e glass and s$udders+
!$e smells t$e bad smell again+ 0nly now s$e really smells it+
!$e smells $er )eet+ Not$ing+ !$e smells t$e c$am"agne+ Not$ing+
%uanc$o enters t$e room and sits on t$e bed+ !ara$ grabs $is )oot and
smells it+ !$e dro"s $is )oot+
%uanc$o stares blankly at $er+
!ara$ looks down at t$e mattress+ !$e smells t$e mattress+
%uanc$o looks at $er as i) s$e's drunk+
!ara$ lea"s o)) t$e bed and turns on t$e room lig$ts+ !$e takes a $uge
swig )rom t$e c$am"agne bottle# t$en stalks toward t$e mattress+
%uanc$o lea"s o)) t$e bed as well and stands back+
!ara$ "ulls t$e mattress o)) o) t$e beds"rings enoug$ to see w$at is
underneat$ it+
%uanc$o screams+ !ara$ is too stunned to scream+ !tu))ed into t$e
beds"rings is a woman's dead and beaten cor"se+
&.T T08
&L0! 0N
Ted's "$one ringing+
Ted looks at t$e "$one as i) "ondering w$et$er or not to answer it+ (e
ta"s $is )ingers+ Finally $e answers t$e "$one+
R00M B4J
!ARA(
Ted@
T-
1$at do you want now# )or &$rist's sake@ 1$o died;
!ARA(
<near tears=
I don't know# but s$e's in my bed@
T-
1$at;
!ARA(
T$ere's a dead body in my bed@
T-
T$at's >ust your brot$er+ !ound aslee"+
!ARA(
No# t$ere's a woman's dead body inside t$e bed# in t$e mattress+
T-
3ou saw t$e body;
!ARA(
3es@
T-
Im"ossible+ 3ou'2e got ointment on your eyes@ 3ou can't see
s$it@ Now go to slee"@
Ted $angs u" t$e "$one+
!ara$ redials+
Ted answers+
T-
,odammit# go to slee"@
!ARA(
<crying now=
I was$ed it o)) + + +
T-
3ou was$ed o)) t$e ointment;
!ARA(
<"issed# drunk=
3ea$# didn't you e2er t$ink to do t$at;
Ted is ?uiet on t$e line+ T$inking+
%uanc$o lig$ts u" a cigarette )or real and takes ner2ous "u))s+
!ara$ carries t$e "$one o2er to %uanc$o and snatc$es t$e cigarette away
)rom $im+ !$e stu))s it in $er own mout$ and ner2ously takes a long
drag on it+
!ARA(
<t$roug$ cigarette=
3ou ne2er tried it# did you; T$en you agree I'm smarter
t$an you + + +
T-
All rig$t+ Now you listen to me + + +
!ARA(
,et your ass u" $ere and call t$e "olice# because t$ere's a
dead body in my bed and it smells like s$it and it looks
e2en worse# and i) you don't $el" us# my dad is gonna lay
you down rig$t next to $er# I swear to )ucking ,od@
!$e drinks )rom $er c$am"agne bottle+ !$e's "ulling t$e mattress back
o2er t$e cor"se again+
%.AN&(0
,o# sis+
!$e's drunk all rig$t+
T-
<incensed=
I'm coming u" and i) t$ere isn't a dead body by t$e time
I get t$ere# I'll make one mysel)+ 3ou@
FR0NT -!C
Ted slams down t$e "$one+
As $e walks away )rom t$e counter# $e s"ots t$e c$ildren's "arents
dri2ing u" to t$e 2alet out )ront+
T-
0$ s$it@
Ted breaks into a s"rint and di2es into a closing ele2ator+
&.T T08
R00M B4J
!ara$ continues to co2er t$e body wit$ t$e mattress+
L9AT0R
&lose on Ted's )ace as t$e ele2ator car races u" se2en )loors+
L0**3
T$e Man is carrying $is drunk 1i)e t$roug$ t$e lobby+ Not $a""y+
R00M B4J
Ted bursts into t$e room+ (e sees t$e disarray+
Ted "us$es t$e c$am"agne out o) !ara$'s $and# s"illing it onto t$e
)loor+
T-
1$at t$e )uck is going on;;@@
(e sees %uanc$o wit$ t$e cigarette $anging out o) $is mout$ and ri"s it
away )rom $im+ T$e butt goes )lying onto t$e car"et near t$e s"reading
c$am"agne s"ill+
T-
3our "arents are on t$eir way u" and I'm not taking
res"onsibility )or t$is mess@
!ARA(
&$eck under t$e mattress@
T-
For w$at;
!ARA(
<crying=
For t$e body# can't you smell it;
T-
It's your )eet@
!ara$ grabs t$e mattress and "ulls it o)) $ersel)+
Ted sees t$e rotting cor"se+
9omit s"ews out o) Ted's mout$+
T-
<gurgles t$roug$ 2omit:s"ewing li"s=
%esus )ucking &$rist@ 1$at t$e )uck is t$is;
(e tears at t$e "$one+
T-
<into t$e "$one=
/olice# it's an emergency@
<"ause=
(ello# /olice# t$is is t$e Mon !ignor (otel# get someone u"
$ere rig$t )ucking now# t$ere's a -A- 1(0R stu))ed
under t$e mattress@
Tears well in !ara$'s eyes as s$e looks at t$e body+
!ARA(
-on't call $er t$at + + +
T-
<into t$e "$one=
I'm dead )ucking serious# t$ere's a dead )ucking 1$ore
stu))ed in t$e beds"rings o) t$e )ucking bed@
!ARA(
!to" calling $er t$at@@
!ara$ grabs t$e $y"odermic needle )rom under t$e curtain and stabs it
into Ted's leg+
T-
F.&C@@
!ara$ ste"s back# almost tri""ing o2er t$e c$am"agne bottle+ !$e "icks
u" t$e bottle and $olds it de)ensi2ely in case Ted tries to retaliate+
Ted s"ins around# now noticing t$e needle sticking out o) $is leg+
T-
%esus@@
%uanc$o lig$ts u" anot$er cigarette+
T$e c$am"agne s"ill $as s"read to t$e )allen cigarette butt+ T$e car"et
bursts into )lames around t$e s"ill+
&.T 0.T!I- T08
ET+ R00M B4J
&L0! 0N a key going into t$e key$ole outside+
*A&C T08
R00M B4J
Ted tries to "ull t$e syringe out o) $is leg# but yanking it makes it
break in two# t$e "lunger in $is $and# and t$e needle still stuck in
$is leg+
Ted staggers and grabs $old o) t$e dead woman's )oot )or su""ort as $e
ste"s on t$e remote control# )li""ing t$e T9 on to t$e Nudie c$annel#
>ust as + + +
Man o"ens t$e door+
Man stands at t$e door# drunk 1i)e unconscious on one arm# t$e door
knob in t$e ot$er $and+ (e's looking mean+
Man's /098 )ocused on t$e dead woman in t$e beds"rings+ 1e "an u" t$e
dead woman's leg to )ind Ted $olding $er )oot+ 1e "an down Ted's leg to
)ind t$e $y"odermic needle >utting out + + + t$en "an o2er to t$e ot$er
$and $olding t$e broken syringe "lunger+
1e "an o2er to t$e Nudie c$annel# t$en down to t$e )ire blazing be$ind
t$e c$ildren+ /an u" to t$e dri""ing c$am"agne bottle in !ara$'s $and#
t$en o2er to t$e cigarette $anging out o) %uanc$o's mout$+ %uanc$o
tosses $is cigarette out o) $is mout$ to an area be$ind $im+ Anot$er
blaze starts immediately+
Man dro"s $is 1i)e to t$e )loor+
In t$e 1I- !(0T o) Ted and t$e c$ildren# we see t$at t$e )ireworks are
bursting big and brig$t outside t$e window be$ind t$em+ Almost as
brig$t as t$e )lames eating t$roug$ t$e room+
Man sim"ly glares at Ted+ Finally Man s"eaks + + +
MAN
-id t$ey misbe$a2e;
Ted stares blankly at Man <t$e camera= as t$e s"rinklers burst on + + +
drenc$ing t$e room as t$e "icture
FA-! T0 *LA&C
)our rooms
FA- ./ 0N
INT+ (0TL L0**3::NI,(T
!./R8 0N MIN.T AFTR R0*RT'! !T0R3+ T1NT3 MIN.T! *F0R -A1N+
T$e ele2ator rides down to t$e lobby+ T$e doors o"en and a wet#
dis$e2eled# and )rantic Ted ste"s out+
(e staggers across t$e lobby to t$e rece"tion desk+ (e grabs t$e "$one+
INT+ *TT3'! A/T::ALM0!T -A1N
T$e wild New 3ear's 2e "arty is winding down+ !ome ,uests are "assed
out# some are aslee"# some are making out# two guys are "laying
Nintendo# a ,irl watc$es t$em+ T$e "$one RIN,!+ T$e ,irl# w$o wears a
",uinness !tout" T:s$irt# answers t$e "$one+
,.INN!! ,IRL
(a""y New 3ear@
*A&C T0 T-8 *A&C AN- F0RT(
T-
Let me s"eak to *etty+
,.INN!! ,IRL
/arty's o2er# s$e "robably went $ome+
T-
!$e li2es t$ere+
,.INN!! ,IRL
0$# well# I $a2en't seen 'em in a w$ile+
T-
-o you e2en know w$o I'm talking about;
,.INN!! ,IRL
3ea$ + + + yea$ + + + yea$ + + + I know 'em# I know ddy+
T-
*etty# not ddy+
,.INN!! ,IRL
3ea$ + + + yea$ + + + I know *etty too + + + Tall + + +
T-
No# not "articularly+ !$e's got curly red $air+
,.INN!! ,IRL
No# no# no# no# no# I know# I know+ %a"anese girl+
T-
!$e's not %a"anese@ I >ust said s$e $ad red $air+
,.INN!! ,IRL
3ea$ + + + yea$ + + + yea$ + + + I know $er+
T-
1ell# t$en get $er on t$e "$one# it's an emergency+
,.INN!! ,IRL
1$o::w$o s$ould I say's calling;
T-
Tell 'em Teddy )rom work's on t$e "$one# and it's a
ma>or )uckin' emergency+
,.INN!! ,IRL
,otc$a# *etty )rom work+
T-
Not *etty )rom work# I'm calling *etty@ I'm Teddy+
%ust say Ted+
,.INN!! ,IRL
(i# Ted# I'm Margaret+ 3ou sound down+ (as t$is not been
t$e $a""iest o) New 3ear's;
T-
<resigning $imsel) to talking wit$ Margaret=
No Margaret# t$is $asn't been my best New 3ear+ T$is
year's starting o)) "retty badly+
MAR,ART
Awww# $ow come;
T-
1ell# *etty::t$e c$ick w$ose $ouse you're at# e2en t$oug$
you don't know $er::lea2es me $ere all by mysel) on New
3ear's 2e+ And )irst t$ing rig$t o)) t$e bat# I'm )ucked by
a co2en o) witc$es+
MAR,ART
An o2en )ull o) witc$es )ucked you; Is t$at like at t$e circus
w$en t$ey stick all t$ose clowns in an itty:bitty car;
T-
A co2en+ A co2en o) witc$es+ 1ell# one witc$ in "articular+
MAR,ART
1as s$e an old $ag wit$ a mole# wit$ $air growing out o) it;
T-
No:no:no# s$e was + + + ?uite beauti)ul+
Margaret t$inks )or a moment+
MAR,ART
Ted;
T-
3es+
MAR,ART
1$at's t$e "roblem;
T-
1ell# admittedly# t$at was t$e best "art o) t$e nig$t+ It was
"retty )uckin' cool# actually+ *ut it was still an unner2ing
way to start o)) t$e nig$t+
MAR,ART
!ounds to me like a "retty great way to start o)) t$e nig$t+
T-
0kay# let's >ust ski" o2er t$e witc$es+
MAR,ART
::!ki""ing o2er t$e witc$es+
T-
!o# later# in anot$er room# some crazy sucking maniac
sticks a gun in my )ace and )orces me to "lay out some
"syc$osexual drama wit$ $is wi)e+
MAR,ART
(e made you $a2e "syc$o sex wit$ $is wi)e;
T-
No# $e didn't make me )uck $is wi)e# $e t$oug$t I'd )ucked
$is wi)e@ (e $eld me at gun"oint wit$ a loaded gun@
MAR,ART
1$at kinda gun;
T-
I don't know# I'm not a gun guy+ It was big+
MAR,ART
Like -irty (arry's gun+
T-
3ea$# somet$ing like t$at+
MAR,ART
-id it $a2e a real long barrel or a s$ort barrel;
T-
1$at di))erence does it make;
MAR,ART
1ell# )or one t$ing it's t$e di))erence between a +II
Magnum and a Magnum +6FB+
T-
1$o cares i) it was a +II or a +65D# it was a )uckin' loaded
gun# "ointed at my )uckin' $ead@
Margaret takes t$is in+
MAR,ART
3ou wanna ski" o2er t$is "art# too;
T-
I want you to get *etty on t$e "$one@
MAR,ART
(old on+
<yelling to t$e room=
Anybody li2e $ere named + + +
<to Ted=
1$at's $er name again;
T-
*etty+
MAR,ART
*etty@
T$e slee"y room stirs+ *etty wakes u" )rom t$e )loor+
*TT3
3ea$# w$atc$a screamin' about;
MAR,ART
3ou're *etty;
*TT3
3ea$# I'm *etty# it's my )uckin' "lace# w$o t$e )uck are you;
MAR,ART
I'm Margaret
<$ands $er t$e "$one=
And t$is is Ted+
*etty takes t$e "$one+
*TT3
Ted# w$at's t$e "roblem;
T-
1$at's t$e "roblem; I don't got a "roblem# I got )uckin'
"roblems@ 1anna $ear;
*TT3
<yawning# wi"ing slee" )rom $er eyes=
!ure+
T-
1ell# most recently# t$ere's room B4J+ T$ere's a scary Mexican
gangster dude "okin' $is )inger in my c$est+ T$ere's $is $ooligan
kids sna""ing t$eir )ingers at me+ T$ere's t$e "utrid rotting cor"se
o) a dead w$ore stu))ed in t$e s"rings o) a bed+ T$ere're rooms
blazing a)ire + + + + T$ere's a needle )rom ,od knows w$ere stuck
in my leg# in)ecting me wit$ ,od knows w$at# and )inally# t$ere's
me walking out t$e )uckin' door rig$t now@ *uenas noc$es+
A RIN,IN, !0.N- $a""ens t$at we $a2en't $eard be)ore+ Ted's $ead turns
toward it+
It's t$e guest board+ And t$e to" lig$t# t$e "ent$ouse# is ringing+ It
rings w$ere all t$e ot$ers buzzed+
*etty can $ear it distinctly on $er side o) t$e line+ T$e sound )ully
wakes $er u"+ T$ey start talking (oward (awks style again+
*TT3
<suddenly alert=
Is t$at t$e "ent$ouse;
T-
3ea$+
*TT3
T$at's t$e &$ester Rus$ "arty# t$ey want somet$ing+
T-
3ea$# well# toug$ tity+ T$ey're >ust gonna $a2e to wait#
'cause I'm out t$e door+
*TT3
<"anicking=
Now# Ted# wait a minute+ I know you're )reaked# I know
you're stressed+ 3ou'2e $ad a real bad nig$t::
T-
3es# *etty# I'2e $ad:a:real:bad:nig$t::
*TT3
::3ou say t$ere's a dead body in a room;
T-
3es# I did+
*TT3
No "roblem# t$is is a $otel# we'2e $ad dead bodies be)ore#
it's >ust t$e "rice o) doing business+ 3ou said t$e $otel was
on )ire+ Is it still on )ire;
T-
No# it's out+
*TT3
,ood# s"rinkler system worked like a c$arm+ Now# you
wanna lea2e# you'2e $ad enoug$+ /er)ectly understandable+
I'll take care o) e2eryt$ing else+ T$e only t$ing I ask is t$at
you take care o) &$ester Rus$+ T$en you can lea2e+
T-
Now# look::
*TT3
Ted# $e's a 2ery im"ortant guest o) t$is $otel+ In )act# $e is
t$e most im"ortant guest at t$e $otel+ T$e Mon !ignor used
to be a $a2en )or mo2ie stars+ T$roug$ t$e t$irties and )orties#
and t$e )irst $al) o) t$e )i)ties# more mo2ie stars::i) you break
it down on a nig$t:by:nig$t basis::stayed at t$e Mon !ignor
t$an any ot$er $otel in (ollywood+ Now# we $ad some $ard
time in t$e eig$ties# e2en t$oug$ we were t$e o))icial $otel
o) &annon /ictures# but we're coming back strong in t$e
nineties+ And a mo2ie star clientele is im"ortant to t$at
comeback+ I) we can kee" stars o) $is magnitude $a""y#
we're on our way+ !o# Ted# >ust take care o) $im# t$en
you can lea2e+
T-
Look# I don't )eel like::
*TT3
(e "robably >ust wants some c$am"agne@ 3ou can do t$at#
can't you; /lease >ust take care o) $im# t$e entire sta)) o) t$e
Mon !ignor is begging you@
Ted crumbles+
T-
0kay+ *ut get your ass $ere "ronto+
*TT3
3ou're a good man# Ted+ T$anks+
Ted $angs u" t$e "$one+ And "icks u" t$e board "$one+
T-
(ello# Mr+ Rus$+ !orry )or t$e delay+ (ow can I $el" you;
FA- T0 *LA&C
!T0R3 TITL &AR-8
t$e "ent$ouse
"T( MAN FR0M (0LL3100-"
ET+ (ALL1A3 T0 /NT(0.!::NI,(T
T$e ele2ator door o"ens and Ted w$eels out $is tray into t$e $allway+
T$ere's been a bit o) an e))ort to make $imsel) a""ear a bit less
dis$e2eled t$an in t$e last scene+ (e's only minorly success)ul in t$e
attem"t+ (is uni)orm still looks like s$it# $is $air looks tousled# and
$e walks wit$ a lim"+
(e w$eels t$e cart u" to t$e "ent$ouse door and CN0&C! at t$e door+
A woman o"ens t$e door# it's Angela )rom Alex's story+
AN,LA
(i# T$eodore+
T-
1$at t$e $ell are you doing $ere;
!$e $olds u" t$e drink s$e $as in $er $and+
AN,LA
(a2ing a drink+
T-
Is t$at crazy $usband o) yours in t$ere;
AN,LA
Are you kidding# $e'll be aslee" till &$ristmas+
From be$ind $er we $ear8
90I& <0!=
ntrez# entrez+
Angela ste"s aside and Ted w$eels in t$e tray+
INT+ /NT(0.!::NI,(T
T$e "ent$ouse is $uge# )ar and away t$e best suite in t$e $ouse+ And
standing in t$e middle o) t$e biggest room in t$e $otel is t$e $ottest#
newest comedy star to burst onto t$e (ollywood scene in nearly a
decade8 &$ester Rus$+ At t$is moment in time# $e's t$e king# and $e $as
t$e swagger o) a new king+ A)ter only one mo2ie# $e's "ulled t$e sword
out o) t$e stone+ And t$e look on $is )ace says# "Cing's good+"
!urrounding $im is $is entourage+ T$ey all look like once u"on a time
t$is e2ening t$ey were dressed s$ar"A $owe2er# at t$is late $our#
e2erybody looks about as dis$e2eled as Ted+
0ne o) t$e lads# Norman# $as "lanted roots in a com)y c$air wit$ $is
leg t$rown o2er t$e arm and a bottle o) %im *eam in $is $and+
T$e second guy# Leo# is in t$e back o) t$e room "acing back and )ort$
on t$e tele"$one+ (e is com"letely obli2ious to t$e rest o) t$e room's
acti2ity+
In &$ester's $and is an e2er "resent glass o) c$am"agne# w$ic$ $e
constantly s"ills as $e gestures wildly+ Around t$e room are t$e
le)to2ers8 "izza boxes# )ast:)ood $amburgers# and em"ty bottles o)
&ristal &$am"agne+
&(!TR
<still sitting=
ntrez# entrez# come in# come in+
T-
<w$eeling in t$e tray=
(i# sorry I took so long# but I got e2eryt$ing you asked )or::
&(!TR
::Not a "roblem# my )riend Mr+ *ellboy+
AN,LA
<closing t$e door=
(is name's T$eodore+
T-
Actually# it's not T$eodore#
<$e t$rows a look at Angela=
It's Ted+
&$ester rises )rom t$e couc$+
&(!TR
!o# Ted t$e *ellboy# as I was saying::would you care )or
some c$am"agne; T$at's not w$at I was saying# but would
you care )or some c$am"agne;
T-
No# t$ank you+
&(!TR
3a sure; &ristal+ It's t$e best+ I ne2er liked c$am"agne
be)ore I $ad &ristal# now I lo2e it+
T-
0kay# yea$# sure+
As &$ester goes and "ours Ted a glass8
&(!TR
::As I was saying# Ted# don't worry about being late+ For
our "ur"oses# "rom"tness is )ar be$ind t$oroug$ness+
0n "t$oroug$ness#" $e $ands Ted t$e glass+
&(!TR
&$in:c$in+
T$ey clink glasses and drink+
&(!TR
1$adya say# Ted;
T-
T$ank you;
&(!TR
No# not t$ank you+ 1$adya say about t$e tasty be2erage;
T-
It's good+
&(!TR
Fuckin' good# Ted+ It's )uckin' good+ Let's try it again# s$all
we; !o# Ted# w$adya t$ink about t$e be2erage+
T-
It's )uckin' good+
&(!TR
3ou bet your sweet bi""y# Ted+ It's )uckin' &ristal#
e2eryt$ing else is "iss+
Norman in t$e c$air starts yelling at Ted+
N0RMAN
*ellboy@ *ellboy@ *ellboy@
Ted knows $e's being laug$ed at# but not w$y+
&(!TR
<to Norman=
Cnock it o))# you're making my )riend Ted $ere uneasy+
<to Ted=
/ay no attention to Norman $ere# Ted# $e's >ust )uckin' wit'
ya# t$at's all+ T$at's )rom Quadro"$enia+ Now me# mysel)#
w$en I t$ink o) bellboys I t$ink o)::"bellboy" isn't an insult#
is it; Is t$ere anot$er name )or w$at you do t$at I'm
ignorant o); *ellman# bell"erson::
T-
*ellboy's )ine+
&(!TR
,ood+ I'm glad t$ey $a2en't c$anged t$at+ T$ere's a
)riendliness to "bellboy+" As I was saying# Ted# w$en
Norman t$inks o) bellboys# $e t$inks o) Quadro"$enia+
*ut me# w$en I t$ink o) bellboys# I t$ink o) T$e *ellboy#
wit$ %erry Lewis+ -id>a e2er see T$e *ellboy;
T-
No+
&(!TR
3ou s$ould# it's one o) %erry's better mo2ies+ (e ne2er says
a word t$roug$ t$e entire )ilm+ A com"letely silent "er)ormance+
(ow many actors can "ull t$at o)); And $e $as to go to France
to get res"ect+ T$at says it all about America rig$t t$ere+ T$e
minute %erry Lewis dies# e2ery "a"er in t$is )uckin' country
gonna write articles calling t$e man a genius+ It's not rig$t+
It's not rig$t and it's not )air+ *ut w$y s$ould t$at sur"rise
anybody; 1$en $as America e2er been )air; 1e mig$t be
rig$t e2ery once in a w$ile# but we're 2ery rarely )air+
T-
1$ere do you want t$is;
&(!TR
3ou in a $urry# Ted;
T-
<$e is# but doesn't want to rus$ t$e mo2ie star=
No# not "articularly+
&(!TR
,ood# t$en sto" "laying "*eat t$e &lock+" Now let me
introduce you to e2erybody+
(e "uts $is arm around Ted and leads $im around t$e room+
Angela crosses )rame# drink in $and+
&(!TR
0ur )riend )rom downstairs you already seem to be
ac?uainted wit$+
As s$e snuggles u" in a big com)y c$air8
AN,LA
0$# me and T$eodore go way back+ -on't we# T$eodore;
T-
T$e name's Ted# Angela+ I only let "eo"le wit$ loaded guns
at my $ead call me T$eodore+
&(!TR
Angela's like you# Ted# a new)ound )riend+
AN,LA
1e met at t$e "ool+
&(!TR
<to Ted=
(a2e you e2er seen Angela in a one:"iece;
T-
No+
&(!TR
1ell# it's somet$in' to see+
&(!TR
<arm around Ted=
T$e Man sitting in t$e c$air# wit$ t$e bottle o) %im *ean in
$is $and and t$e sense o) $umor# is Norman+ Norman# say
$ello to Ted+
N0RMAN
1$at's u";
Norman s$akes $is $and+
&(!TR
T$e sociable son o) a bitc$ on t$e tele"$one is Leo+ And
t$e "erson on t$e ot$er end o) t$e "$one is $is lo2ely wi)e
llen+
<to Leo=
Leo# say $ello to Ted+
Leo breaks away )rom $is "$one con2ersation )or two seconds+
L0
(i# Ted# glad you could make it+
<back to "$one=
1$at;
<"ause=
1$at does "unctuality $a2e to do wit$ lo2e;
&(!TR
1$ic$ brings me to me# &$ester Rus$# Ted+ /leased to meetc$a+
&$ester s$akes Ted's $and+
T-
I know+ I'm sorry I $a2en't seen your mo2ie+
&$ester sto"s+
Ted wonders i) $e s$ould $a2e said t$at+
&$ester walks o2er to t$e table and "ours $imsel) some more c$am"agne+
1$en $e talks now it's slower and somew$at distracted+ T$e tone o) t$e
scene starts c$anging+
&(!TR
It's ?uite all rig$t# Ted# not$ing to )eel sorry about+ T$at's
w$y ,od in2ented 2ideo+ *ut you know# Ted# a lot o) "eo"le
did see it+
&$ester takes a drink o) c$am"agne# a disgusted look crosses $is )ace#
and $e slowly "uts it down+
(is manner gi2es t$e room a c$ill+
1$en $e talks# $e addresses t$e room+
&(!TR
1$o drank out o) t$is bottle last;
No answer+
&$ester walks o2er to Ted and )ills $is glass+
&(!TR
1$o drank out o) t$is bottle::not t$e ot$er bottles::t$is
bottle last;
N0RMAN
1$at's wrong# &$ester;
(e s"ills t$e c$am"agne )rom $is glass onto t$e )loor+
&(!TR
It's )uckin' )lat# Norman# t$at's w$at's wrong+ T$e
c$am"agne::t$e )uckin' &ristal's )uckin' )lat+
&$ester im"ro2ises a tem"er tantrum about t$e )lat &ristal+ 2eryone
looks at $im# not knowing w$at to say+ 2en Leo walks o2er to witness+
T$e w$ole room is uneasy and a little )rig$tened+
1$en &$ester )inis$es $is tantrum# $e turns $is attention back to Ted+
As $e talks to $im# $e o"ens u" anot$er bottle+ *ut it's not t$e ra"id:
"ace deli2ery &$ester $as done so )ar+ It's more troubled and
distracted+
&(!TR
I was saying# Ted# a lot o) "eo"le did see it+ And not >ust on
2ideo# eit$er+ Leo# w$at was t$e )inal take on domestic;
Leo is still in t$e doorway making sure $is boy's cool+
L0
BD+4 million+
<worried tone=
3ou okay# c$am";
&(!TR
<struggling wit$ bottle=
I'm cool# so talk to your wi)e+
Leo turns $is attention back to t$e "$one and goes inside t$e room+
&(!TR
<to Ted=
BD+4 million dollars+ T$at's be)ore 2ideo and be)ore )oreign#
and be)ore "ay:T9 and be)ore )ree T9+ 1e're talking
)uckin' asses in )uckin' seats+
<$e "o"s t$e cork=
*e)ore all t$at ot$er s$it# T$e 1acky -etecti2e made BD+4
million dollars+
&$ester walks o2er to Ted and )ills $is glass+
&(!TR
And my new one# T$e -og &atc$er# it's "ro>ected to break
a $undred+
<$e clinks Ted's glass wit$ $is=
T$e -og &atc$er+
T-
T$e -og &atc$er+
T$ey bot$ drink+
T$e tantrum's o2er# and &$ester's back to $is )ast:talking# good:
natured sel)+
&(!TR
Now let's stroll o2er $ere and see w$at goodies you broug$t us+
T-
-o you mind me asking w$at's all t$is stu)) )or;
&(!TR
0ne t$ing at a time# Ted+ I'm not a )rog and you're not a
bunny# so let's not >um" a$ead+ &'mon# Norman# you s$ould
be interested in t$is+
N0RMAN
-amn !ki""y@
<"ause=
Tell it+
Ted "roduces t$e t$ings t$ey called )or+
T-
A block o) wood+
&$ester knocks on it+
&(!TR
,ood+
T-
T$ree nails+
N0RMAN
1$y t$ree nails;
&(!TR
T$at's $ow many /eter Lorre asked )or+ &ontinue# Ted+
Ted is com"letely bewildered+
T-
A roll o) twine+
&(!TR
T$at's de)initely a roll o) twine+ &ontinue+
T-
A bucket o) ice+
&(!TR
<to Norman=
3ou into it;
N0RMAN
<to &$ester=
I'm into it+
&(!TR
<to Ted=
,o on+
T-
A donut+
&$ester takes it and eats it+
&(!TR
T$at's )or me+ &ontinue+
T-
And a $atc$et+
&(!TR
A $atc$et as s$ar" as t$e de2il $imsel) is w$at I asked )or+
T-
1ell# you be t$e >udge+
Ted $olds t$e $atc$et out )or &$ester to take+ Norman snatc$es it
instead+
N0RMAN
I'll be t$e >udge+
Norman touc$es t$e end o) t$e blade wit$ $is t$umb+
&(!TR
1$adya t$ink;
N0RMAN
T$at's a s$ar" mot$er)ucker+ *ring all t$is bulls$it o2er to
t$e bar+
&(!TR
3ou $eard $im# Ted+
Ted is com"letely con)used and starting to get a little scared# but $e
does w$at $e's told+
Leo slams down t$e "$one+
L0
*itc$@
N0RMAN
3ou still married;
L0
Maybe# maybe not# but I don't gi2e a )lyin' )uck eit$er way+
I'2e $ad it wit$ t$at Mac$ia2ellian bitc$@ I'm too drunk to
dri2e $ome+ I'm sorry about t$at# I'm real sorry about t$at+
I got drunk on New 3ear's 2e# cut my )uckin' $ead o)) + + +
<noticing Ted at t$e bar=
1$at's going on $ere;
&(!TR
1e now return you to T$e Man )rom Rio# already in "rogress+
L0
<sur"rised=
Noooo# you're gonna do it;
N0RMAN
Looks like+
L0
3ou guys ain't bulls$ittin'# you're gonna really go )or it;
Angela is still curled u"+
AN,LA
A)ter talkin' about it all nig$t# t$ey better+ I wanna see a s$ow+
&(!TR
1$en we do it# you'll $a2e somet$ing to see+
Leo walks u" to Norman and t$rows $is arm around $im+
L0
3ou are one radical dude+
Ted doesn't know w$at anybody's talking about# w$ic$ is >ust )ine wit$
$im+ (e )inis$es laying out e2eryt$ing on t$e bar and says8
T-
1ell# t$at's e2eryt$ing# so i) you don't need me )or anyt$ing
else# I'll go back downstairs+
&(!TR
Not so )ast# Ted+ 1e ain't ?uite done yet+ 1$y don't you
take a seat at t$e bar# get com)ortable# and $a2e an o"en
mind w$en we ex"lain t$e )esti2ities o) t$e e2ening to you+
T-
Look# guys# you "aid )or t$e room+ As long as you don't
break u" t$e )urniture# you can do w$ate2er t$e )uck you
want+ And me "ersonally# I don't care i) you break u" t$e
)urniture+ 3ou don't $a2e to ex"lain anyt$ing to me+ 1$ate2er
constitutes a good time as )ar as you guys are concerned is
your business+
&(!TR
1ell# it's your business# Ted+ '&ause we want you to take "art+
T-
Take "art in w$at;
L0
&$ester# your way o) breaking t$e news to $im gently
is scarin' t$e s$it outta $im+
AN,LA
Look at t$e "oor guy+ %ust s"it it out+
Little by little e2erybody $as gat$ered around Ted+
&(!TR
First o))# let me say t$at t$ere's not$ing $omosexual about
w$at we're going to ask you to do+ T$ere's not$ing sexual
at all about w$at we want+ *ut I was t$inkin' you mig$t be
t$inkin' we want you to do some sex t$ing+ /ee on us# suck
us o))# s$it like t$at+ Let me assure you not$ing could be
)art$er )rom w$at we want::
Angela interru"ts8
AN,LA
&an I >um" in $ere;
&(!TR
No# you can't >um" in $ere# t$is is my story+
AN,LA
T$eodore's been $ere )i)teen minutes and you'2e talked
about e2eryt$ing but+
&(!TR
(ey# i) you don't like it# you can get t$e )uck out+
Leo ta"s $is c$am"agne glass wit$ a tiny s"oon# s$utting e2erybody u"+
L0
I) it'll "lease t$e court# let me ex"lain to Ted our intentions+
N0RMAN
<yelling=
I second t$e nomination@
&(!TR
<yelling=
Mo2e t$e nomination be closed@
&$ester takes t$e $atc$et and brings it down on t$e bar like a $atc$et+
&(!TR
<calmly=
Leo# t$e )loor is yours+
L0
T$ank you+
<to Ted=
Ted# did you e2er watc$ t$e old "Al)red (itc$cok !$ow";
T-
<totally bewildered at t$is "oint=
3ea$+
L0
-id you e2er see t$e e"isode T$e Man )rom Rio# wit$ /eter
Lorre and !te2e McQueen;
T-
I don't t$ink so+
L0
0$# you'd remember it all rig$t+ In t$e s$ow# /eter Lorre
makes a bet t$at !te2e McQueen can't lig$t $is cigarette
lig$ter ten times in a row+ Now i) !te2e McQueen can lig$t
$is cigarette lig$ter ten times in a row# $e wins /eter Lorre's
new car+ I) $e can't $e loses $is little )inger+
<"ause=
Norman and &$ester >ust made t$e same bet+
<"ause=
Norman's "utting u" $is "inky against &$ester's mint
con2ertible# 45JI red con2ertible &$e2y &or2elle t$at $e can
lig$t $is Gi""o ten times in a row+
/ause+
Ted looks at all o) t$em# taking in t$e in)ormation# be)ore saying8
T-
3ou guys are drunk+
&(!TR
1ell# t$at goes wit$out saying# but t$at doesn't mean we
don't know w$at we're doing+
N0RMAN
I'll tell ya w$at I'm doin'+
Norman lays an issue o) (ot &lassic &ars in )ront o) Ted on t$e bar+ 0n
t$e co2er is a "icture o) &$ester smiling# standing next to a beauti)ul
45JI red con2ertible &$e2y &or2elle+ T$e $eadline reads8 "(ollywood's
(ottest New !tar Next to America's (ottest 0ld &ar+"
N0RMAN
I dri2e a mot$er)uckin' (onda my sister sold me+ 3ou $ear
w$at I'm sayin'; A little w$ite mot$er)uckin' (onda &i2ic+
<$e $olds u" t$e magazine=
3ou see t$is s$it;@
<reading t$e magazine=
"(ollywood's $ottest new star# next to America's $ottest old car+"
<$e $ands Ted t$e magazine=
Now you take a good look at t$at mac$ine t$at t$is
mot$er)ucker o2er $ere is standing next to+ T$at's a 45JI
nigger:red# rag:to" &$e2y &or2elle+ And I lo2e t$at car
more'n I lo2e $i"s# li"s# and )ingerti"s+ &ut to we sittin'
$ere celebrating# gettin' $ig$# drinkin' c$am"agne::
&(!TR
::&ristal+ 1$en you're drinkin' anyt$ing else# you're
drinking c$am"agne+ 1$en you're drinkin' &ristal# you say
you're drinkin' &ristal+
N0RMAN
::drinkin' &ristal+ 1atc$in' T9+ "Rockin' New 3ear's
2e+" 1$en all o) a sudden we )li" on !te2e McQueen and
/eter Lorre bein' )uckin' badass+ And I look at t$is )unny
mot$er)ucker o2er $ere# and I say# "I'd do t$at )or t$e &$e2elle+"
L0
And &$ester re"lies + + +
&(!TR
"+ + + 0$# really;"
T-
3ou guys wouldn't be doin' somet$ing t$is stu"id unless
you were drunk+
2erybody breaks into a "$ere# $ere" murmur+
N0RMAN
I t$ink t$at "retty muc$ goes wit$out sayin'+ 1e'd "robably
c$icken out+ *ut w$en you're )ucked:u"# you don't lie+ 3ou
tell t$e )uckin' trut$+ And t$e )uckin' trut$ is# my lucky Gi""o's
gonna win me &$ester's car+
T-
<to &$ester=
1$y are you doing t$is;
&(!TR
T$rill o) t$e bet+ I'm t$e one wit$ somet$ing to lose $ere+
'&ause I can "retty near guarantee t$at I lo2e my car more'n
Norman lo2es $is "inky+
T-
<to Leo=
(ow 'bout you guys# you're >ust gonna sit back and let your
)riends mutilate eac$ ot$er;
L0
1$y not; Li)e don't get muc$ more exciting t$an t$is+ I
mean i) Norman was "uttin' $is dick on t$e c$o""in' block#
I'd ste" in# 'cause# ya know in t$e morning# we'd really
regret t$at+ *ut $is "inky; 1$o gi2es a )uck; I mean
t$eoretically# $e could lose t$at c$o""in' onions tomorrow+
Li)e still goes on+
T-
<to Angela=
(ow 'bout you;
AN,LA
<to Ted=
I don't care+
&(!TR
1$ic$ brings us to your "art in t$is little wager+
T-
I don't $a2e a "art+
&(!TR
Now# Ted# my old granddaddy used ta say8 "T$e less a man
makes declarati2e statements# t$e less $e's a"t to look )oolis$
in retros"ect+" Now t$ere're some in$erent obstacles in t$is
undertaking+ First o) all# I'm not some sick )uck like /eter Lorre
on t$at s$ow# tra2elin' t$e countryside collecting )ingers+ 1e're
all buddies# $ere+ Nobody wants Norman to lose $is )inger+ 1e
>ust wanna c$o" it o))+ !o i) )ate doesn't smile on ol' Norman#
we'll "ut $is )inger on ice and rus$ 'im to a $os"ital# w$ere in all
likeli$ood be able to sew it back on+
T-
(o"e)ully+
L0
ig$ty "ercent+
N0RMAN
0ur side+
&(!TR
!o Norman's "rotected+ (is interests $a2e been looked a)ter+
My interests# on t$e ot$er $and# $a2e not+ I am as emotionally
attac$ed to my car as Norman is "$ysically to $is )inger+ I'm
"utting u" a 2ery ex"ensi2e "iece o) mac$inery on t$is wager+
Now# i) I lose# I lose# I $a2e no "roblem wit$ t$at+ I'm a big
boy# I knew w$at I was doing+ (owe2er# i) I win# I wanna win+
I) Norman lig$ts $is lig$ter ten times in a row# $e's gonna $a2e
no emotional "roblems about taking my car keys w$atsoe2er+
*ut i) I win# it's not inconcei2able t$at Leo or mysel)# at t$e last
minute# mig$t not be able to wield t$e ax+ 1$ic$ brings us )ull
circle to you# Ted+ !ober Ted+ &lear:eyed Ted+ 1e want you
to be t$e diceman+
/ause as t$ey all look at $im+ Angela breaks it+
AN,LA
(ellu2a nig$t# $u$# Ted;
T-
I gotta get out o) $ere+
Ted abru"tly gets u" and makes a beeline )or t$e door+
&$ester w$i"s out a $undred:dollar bill and ?uickly calls to Ted )rom
$is "osition at t$e bar+
&(!TR
Ted# I got a $undred:dollar bill $ere wit$ your name on it#
w$et$er you do w$at we ask or not# >ust to sit back down in
t$e c$air )or one minute more+
Ted s"ins in $is direction+
T-
I'm not gonna cut o)) $is )inger@
&(!TR
Maybe you will and maybe you won't# but t$at $as not$ing
to do wit$ t$is $undred:dollar bill in my $and+ 3ou can tell
us all to go )uck o)) and walk rig$t out t$at door+ *ut i) you
sit back down and wait sixty seconds be)ore you do it# you'll
be a $undred dollars ric$er+
Ted >ust stands across t$e room# t$inking+
AN,LA
Ted+ Take t$e money+
L0
Ted# you're gonna do w$ate2er you want to do+ 1e're >ust
askin' you to indulge us )or anot$er minute more+ And
&$ester's willin' to "ay )or it+
Ted t$inks+
T-
I'll take your money# and I'll sit back down+ *ut a minute
)rom now# I'm gonna walk out t$e door# and w$en I do#
t$ere'll be no $ard )eelings;
&(!TR
1ell# I want you to $a2e a bit more o) an o"en mind t$an
t$at# but# yea$# we'll eit$er con2ince you or we won't+ No
$ard )eelings+ Rig$t# guys;
2erybody agrees+
Ted wearily sits back down+
&$ester "ositions $imsel) in )ront o) Ted at t$e bar+
&(!TR
0kay# Leo# you be t$e timekee"er+ Let us know w$en one
minute begins and w$en it ends+
L0
3ou got it+
<$e c$ecks $is watc$=
,entlemen# start your engines+
&$ester >um"s u" and down# loosening u"+
L0
*egin@
&$ester# w$o talks )ast anyway# starts $is "itc$+ It's &$ester w$o now
"lays "*eat t$e &lock+"
&(!TR
0kay# "ay attention $ere# Ted# I ain't got muc$ time+ Now
I'm gonna make two "iles $ere on t$e bar+
<$e takes t$e $undred:dollar bill and lays it out on t$e bar=
0ne "ile#
<"ointing at t$e $undred:dollar bill=
w$ic$ is yours+ And anot$er "ile#
<&$ester w$i"s out a money roll )at enoug$ to c$oke a $orse to deat$=
w$ic$ could be yours+
<$e lays a matc$ing $undred:dollar bill on t$e bar# starting a second
"ile=
Now# w$at you $a2e to be aware o) is we're gonna do t$is bet# one way#
<$e lays anot$er $undred on t$e end "ile=
or t$e ot$er+
<$e lays anot$er $undred on t$e "ile=
1$et$er it's you w$o $olds t$e ax#
<$e lays anot$er $undred on t$e "ile=
or t$e desk clerk downstairs#
<$e lays anot$er $undred on t$e "ile=
or some bum we yank o)) t$e street+
<$e lays anot$er $undred on t$e "ile= + + +
N0RMAN
3ou can buy a lot o) sou" wit$ t$at "ile+
&(!TR
<to Norman=
!$$$$# I'm t$e closer+
<to t$e grou"=
(ow muc$ is on t$e bar already; I lost count+
AN,LA
!ix $undred+
&(!TR
!ix $undred+ Ted# do you know $ow long it takes t$e
a2erage American to count to six $undred;
T-
No+
&(!TR
<laying anot$er bill on t$e "ile=
0ne minute less t$an it takes to count to se2en $undred+
3ou know# Ted# a "erson's li)e is made u" o) a zillion little
ex"eriences+
<$e lays anot$er bill on t$e "ile=
!ome# w$ic$ $a2e no meaning# are insigni)icant and you
)orget t$em+ And some t$at stick wit$ you )or t$e rest o)
your natural li)e::
<$e lays anot$er bill on t$e "ile=
::barring Alz$eimer's o) course+ Now# w$at we're "ro"osing
is so unusual# so outside t$e norm# t$at I t$ink it would be a "retty
good guess t$at t$is will be one o) t$ose ex"eriences t$at sticks+
!o# since you're gonna be stuck remembering t$is moment )or t$e rest
o) your li)e# you gotta decide w$at t$at memory will be+
<$e lays down t$e last bill on t$e "ile=
!o# are you gonna remember )or t$e next )orty years# gi2e or take
a decade# $ow you re)used a t$ousand dollars )or one second's
wort$ o) work# or $ow you made a t$ousand dollars )or one
second's wort$ o) work;
L0
Time@
&(!TR
1ell# Ted# w$at's it gonna be;
Ted looks at t$e "ile# t$en looks u"+ 1e dolly into $is )ace+
FLA!(*A&C
1e see a ?uick M0NTA, o) $orrendous moments )rom all t$e ot$er
stories+
INT+ /NT(0.!::NI,(T
*ack to Ted+
T-
0kay+
T$e grou" c$eers+
T-
*ut w$en it's o2er# no matter w$at $a""ens# I get t$e money;
&(!TR
As long as you do your "art# you can take t$e "ile# walk out
t$e door# and not say anot$er word+
T-
Let's do it rig$t now# be)ore I c$ange my mind+
N0RMAN
(ere# $ere+
2erybody gets in t$eir "osition by t$e bar+ Norman lays $is le)t $and
on t$e block o) wood wit$ $is "inky sticking out+
In $is rig$t $and is $is Gi""o lig$ter# "oised and ready to strike+
&$ester $ands Ted t$e meat clea2er+
Ted takes it# raises it u" abo2e Norman's )inger# in "osition+
&(!TR
/er)ect# "er)ect# "er)ect# "er)ect@ T$is is great@ T$is is a
moment in time none o) us will e2er )orget+
2erybody is crowded around t$e scene# on "ins and needles+
&(!TR
Norman# you ready;
N0RMAN
Ready@
&(!TR
Ted# you ready;
T-
Ready+
&(!TR
0keydoke+ Norman# begin+
Norman looks $ard at t$e Gi""o in $is $and+ Ted# $olding t$e clea2er#
stares )ocused on Norman's "inky+
Norman readies $imsel)+
/laces $is t$umb on t$e w$eel in t$e Gi""o+
Takes a breat$+
And strikes+
It s"arks# but doesn't lig$t+
1it$out missing a beat# Ted brings down t$e clea2er# slicing o))
Norman's "inky+
Norman lets out a scream+
Ted# in one mo2e# lays down t$e clea2er# scoo"s u" t$e money and walks
out t$e door+
INT+ (ALL1A3::AFTR -A1N
&AMRA is "ositioned at )ar end o) $allway# looking down it at t$e
ele2ator at t$e ot$er end+
Ted walks out o) t$e "ent$ouse in t$e )+g+ In a M-I.M !(0T# $e takes
t$e t$ousand dollars in $is $and# looks at it# smiles# and sticks it in
$is "ocket+ It mig$t'2e been a bad nig$t# but it's been a "ro)itable
one+ (e c$uckles at t$e irony# and# w$istling a $a""y tune# turns $is
back on t$e camera and walks down t$e $all to t$e ele2ator+
All t$e w$ile we $ear /AN-M0NI.M breaking out be$ind t$e door+
As Ted walks to t$e ele2ator# t$e &R-IT! R0LL+ (e waits )or t$e
ele2ator# it arri2es# $e gets in# t$e doors close+
As &R-IT! &0NTIN. T0 R0LL# we $old )or about two beats + + + t$en + +
+
T$e door *.R!T! o"en and e2erybody comes "iling out+ 2erybody's
screaming# yelling di))erent t$ings to one anot$er+ Norman $as a bloody
towel wra""ed around $is $and# $e's screaming and crying+
N0RMAN
My )inger# my )ucking )inger@@
&$ester $as t$e bucket o) ice wit$ t$e )inger in it+ Leo's trying to
direct e2eryt$ing+ 2erybody's in )rantic acti2ity# exce"t )or Angela#
w$o stands back# drinks $er drink# and watc$es t$e s$ow+ T$ey all run
down t$e $all# toward t$e ele2ator+ !omebody tri"s and t$ey all $it t$e
ground+ T$e bucket o) ice wit$ t$e )inger goes s"illing+ T$ey run
around like crazy# looking )or t$e )inger and "icking u" ice cubes+
Norman lies on t$e )loor and screams+ T$ey "ick it all u"# get to t$e
ele2ator# and "us$ t$e button+
1$en it arri2es# t$ey all di2e in exce"t )or Angela+
AN,LA
3ou know# I'm gonna call it a nig$t and go back to my room+
It's been )un+
T$e doors close on t$e screaming maniacs+
Angela walks t$roug$ a door marked "!tairway+"
INT+ IT( FL00R (ALL1A3::AFTR -A1N
M-I.M !TAIR1A3 -00R
&R-IT R0LL continues
Angela comes t$roug$ t$e doorA we !TA-I&AM in )ront o) $er as s$e
walks t$e $alls# looking )or $er room+ !$e )inds it + + +
1 !T0/ &R-IT!
)our rooms
Angela sticks $er key in t$e door# t$en sto"s w$en s$e sees somet$ing
a""roac$ing+ T$e look on $er )ace combines strange awe and mild s$ock+
Almost )loating et$ereally# a mysterious *lond *ombs$ell# wearing
-iana's see:t$roug$ negligee and sli""ers# armed wit$ ls"et$'s sword
slung o2er $er s$oulder# wanders toward $er+ !$e is in a daze# "er$a"s
lost or drunk+
AN,LA
3ou okay# lady;
T$e bombs$ell looks u" at $er dizzily+
AN,LA
I said::you looking )or someone;
-IANA
<disoriented=
.$$$ + + + yes + + + my $usband + + + I t$ink+ (a2e you seen $im;
Angela and t$e girl $a2e a strange moment as t$ey connect t$roug$ t$e
eyes+ (a2ing $ad enoug$ emotional intensity tonig$t# Angela breaks
t$eir eye contact+
AN,LA
Lady# I $a2en't seen anybody+
-iana ?uietly says# "0$$$#" as s$e dri)ts on down t$e $all in a daze+
Angela "uts $er $and to $er tem"les be)ore o"ening $er $otel door+ !$e
does a double:take on t$e $allway::em"ty+
!$e "auses a beat# t$en walks into $er room+ A)ter t$e door closes# we
$ear !ig)ried on t$e ot$er side+
!I,FRI-
1$ere t$e $ell $a2e you been;
&R-IT! &0NTIN. T0 R0LL
Miramax Films /resents
A *and A"art
A )ilm by
Allison Anders
Alexandre Rockwell
Robert Rodriguez
Quentin Tarantino
)our rooms
Tim Rot$ as "Ted t$e *ell$o""
Antonio *anderas
%enni)er *eals
/aul &alderon
!ammi -a2is
Amanda de&adenet
9aleria ,olino
Cat$y ,ri))in
Marc Lawrence
Madonna
-a2id /ro2al
Ione !kye
Quentin Tarantino
Lili Taylor
Marisa Tomei
Tamlyn Tomita
Alicia 1itt
Introducing
Lana McCissack
-anny 9erduzco
&ostume -esigners
!usan L+ *ertram
Mary &laire (annan
Music by
&ombustible dison
Music /roduced by
Mark Mot$ersbaug$
/roduction -esigner
,ary Frutko))
ditors
Margie ,oods"eed
lena Maganini
!ally Menke
Robert Rodriguez
-rectors o) /$otogra"$y
Rodrigo ,arcia
,uillermo Na2arro
/$il /armet
Andrze> !ekula
&o:/roducers
/aul (ellerman
(eidi 9ogel
!cott Lambert
xecuti2e /roducers
Alexandre Rockwell
Quentin Tarantino
1ritten *y
Allison Anders
Alexandre Rockwell
Robert Rodriguez
Quentin Tarantino
/roduced *y
Lawrence *ender
)our rooms
!TRAN, *R1
1ritten and -irected *y
Allison Anders
&ast
!ammi -a2is %ezebel
Amanda de&adenet -iana
9aleria ,olino At$ena
Madonna ls"et$
Ione !kye 2a
Lili Taylor Ra2en
Alicia 1itt Ci2a
-irector o) /$otogra"$y
Rodrigo ,arcia
ditor
Margie ,oods"eed
T( 1R0N, MAN
1ritten and -irected by
Alexandre Rockwell
&ast
%enni)er *eals Angela
-a2id /ro2al !ig)ried
-irector o) /$otogra"$y
/$il /armet
ditor
lena Maganini
T( MI!*(A9R!
1ritten and -irected by
Robert Rodriguez
&ast
Antonio *anderas Man
Lana McCissack !ara$
/atricia 9onne Rodriguez &or"se
Tamlyn Tomita 1i)e
-anny 9erduzco %uanc$o
!alma (ayek T9 -ancing ,irl
-irector o) /$otogra"$y
,uillermo Na2arro
ditor
Robert Rodriguez
T( MAN FR0M (0LL3100-
1ritten and -irected by
Quentin Tarantino
&ast
%enni)er *eals Angela
/aul &alderon Norman
Quentin Tarantino &$ester
-irector o) /$otogra"$y
Andrze> !ekula
!teadicam 0"erator
*ob ,orelick
ditor
!ally Menke
Lawrence *ender Long (air 3u""ie !cum
Cat$y ,ri))in *etty
/aul (ellerman Taxi -ri2er
Quinn T$omas (ellerman *aby *ell$o"
Marc Lawrence !am t$e *ell$o"
.nruly %ulie Mc&lean Le)t Red$ead
Laura Rus$ Rig$t Red$ead
/aul !kem" Real T$eodore
Marisa Tomei Margaret
and
Tim Rot$ as "Ted t$e *ell$o""
!tunt /layers
Cane (odder
Alan Marcus
&$arles *elardinelli
Tom *ellissimo
/roduction Manager /aul (ellerman
/roduction !u"er2isor -ebora$ &ass
4st Assistant -irector
"!trange *rew" K "Misbe$a2ers" -ouglas Aarniokoski
4st Assistant -irector
"T$e 1rong Man" K "T$e Man From (ollywood" Fernando Altsc$ul
Dnd Assistant -irectors *rian *ettwy
Louis !$aw Milito
/roduction Accountant -ebora$ (ebert
Assistant Accountant (eidrun M+ 1illiams
Accounting Assistant &raig Rot$
/roduction &oordinator -awn Todd
Asst+ /roduction &oordinator !usan Noonan:,ero
Cey 0))ice /roduction Assistant %e)) !wa))ord
!cri"t !u"er2isor %ayne:Ann Tenggren
Location Manager Robert arl &ra)t
&amera 0"eratorH4st Assistant &amera Giad -oueiri
Dnd Assistant &amera ,regory !mit$
4st Assistant "*" &amera Cate *utler
Dnd Assistant "*" &amera *>orn + Aarskog
!teadicam 0"erator
"T$e 1rong Man" K "Misbe$a2ers" %onat$an *rown
/roduction !ound Mixer /awel 1dowczak
*oom 0"erator /aul Coronkiewicz
Cey (airHMake:." Artist
"Misbe$a2ers" K "T$e Man From (ollywood" rma$n 0s"ina
Assistant (air and Make:."
"Misbe$a2ers" K "T$e Man From (ollywood" -on Malot
&o:Cey Make:."
"T$e Man From (ollywood" &ristina *artolucci
Cey Make:."
"!trange *rew" K "T$e 1rong Man" Lizbet$ 1illiamson
Cey (air
"!trange *rew" K "T$e 1rong Man" Mic$ael Ross
Assistant Make:."
"!trange *rew" Toni ,+
Assistant (air
"!trange *rew" *arbara 0l2era
Make:u" )or Madonna /aul !tarr
(airstylist )or Madonna 0rlando
(airstylist )or *ruce 1illis /amela /riest
1igmaker Ira !enz &om"any
&ostume !u"er2isor
"!trange *rew" K "Misbe$a2ers" T$omas ,+ Mar?uez
&ostume !u"er2isor
"T$e 1rong Man" K "T$e Man From (ollywood" %ac?ueline Aronson
&ostumer Mynka -ra"er
,a))er &$uck !mit$
*est *oy lectric dgar Arellano
lectricians %ason Lord
(eat$er (illmeyer
Marcel -e %ure
Cey ,ri" Rick !tribling
*est *oy ,ri" %ames *+ "&ras$" Irons
-olly ,ri" *ob I2an>ack
,ri"s %ason "%ake" &ross
Tim "!tu))y" !oronen
Marc T$omas /olanski
lizabet$ *olden
Art -irector Mayne !c$uyler *erke
!et -irector !ara Andrews
Lead Man /eter *orck
&onstruction &oordinator *rian Markey
/ro"erty Master Lynda Reiss
Assistant /ro"erty Master Andrew Cing
0n:!et -resser Francis 1$itebloom
Assistant -ecorator Mary /at2aldnieks
Art -e"artment &oordinator Marisol %imenez
!wing ,ang %ose"$ ,ra)muller
!te2en Ingrassia
Randy Ten$ae))
T$omas %+ /ower
-ra"er !$ari ,ri))in
&onstruction Foreman Ray Maxwell
Lead &ar"enter !$ane (awkins
&onstruction stimator &$ris !c$er
&ar"enters %ames &+ *eeson
-a2e dinger
*rant R+ Mc&art$y
Mark /eters
Mark F+ !im"son
Floyd 9alero
0n:!et &ar"enter %ames M+ -rury# %r+
Lead /ainter Mark -+ ,illson
/ainters Adam ,+ Markey
/edro 9+ !uc$ite
&arlos A+ &$a2ez
!tand:*y /ainter T+-+ -onnelly
4st Assistant ditors
"!trange *rew" *ob Allen
-ebra L+ Tennant
"T$e 1rong Man" -a2id 3oung
"T$e Misbe$a2ers" rik &+ Andersen
"T$e Man From (ollywood" Tatiana !+ Riegel
Dnd Assistant ditors
"!trange *rew" %o$anna ,roe"l
"T$e 1rong Man" !te2en M+ *uono
"T$e Misbe$a2ers" -aniel A+ Fort
"T$e Man From (ollywood" Catie Mack
Additional Assistant ditor -on Liko2ic$
A""rentice ditors t$an Mani?uis
%oa?uin A2ellan
Music ditor -enise 0kimoto
/aci)ic Music ditors# Inc+
9ideo /layback /layback Tec$nologies
.nit /ublicist Nancy 1illen
.nit !till /$otogra"$er &laudette *arius
&asting *y Russell ,ray
&asting Associate Randi (iller
xtras &asting *y Rainbow &asting
!tand:Ins Mic$ael *oyce (arris
Lisa Redding
Assistant to Mr+ *ender &ourtney Mc-onnell
Assistant to Ms+ Anders Melanie &$a"man
Assistant to Mr+ Rockwell Amanda M+ Mic$ener
Assistant to Mr+ Tarantino 9ictoria Lucai
&oordinator )or Miramax &at$y Agcayab
A *and A"art Legal &arlos ,oodman# ric *rooks
lic$ter# grossman K nic$ols# inc+
Music Legal !er2ices Myman# Abell# Fineman#
,reens"an K Rowan
Miramax Legal 9icki &$erkas
&om"letion ,uarantors Film Finances# Inc+#
Curt 1oolner
Maureen -u))y
!et /roduction Assistants *en /arker
Caren Alicia 1$ite
0))ice /roduction Assistants &$arles !a"adin
&anard mile *arnes
Intern Ti))anie -e*artolo
Trans"ortation &oordinator /+ ,erald Cnig$t
Trans"ortation &a"tain -otti T$om"son
-ri2ers ,eo)) Lancaster
-+ Robert Cnig$t
Animal Trainers McMillan Animal Rentals
*rian McMillan
&$oreogra"$er !issy *oyd
MedicH!tage Manager /atrice &arbaug$
!tudio Teac$er %an -+ Tys
!et !ecurity by Tec$nical ,uard !ecurity
Nick Roberts# !u"er2isor
/roduction &atering by !il2er !creen &atering
&ra)t !er2ice -erek (urd
!"ecial Mec$anical ))ects *ellisimoH*ellardinelli ))ects# Inc+
!"ecial ))ects Assistants !$annon T$om"son
&$risty !umner
!"ecial Make:." ))ects by C+N+*+ FE ,rou"# Inc+
/ost /roduction Accountant Gane
/ost /roduction &oordinators -awn Todd
Alyson 2ans
/ost /roduction Assistants *en /arker
%e)) !wa))ord
!u"er2ising !ound ditors *ruce Fortune M+/+!++
9ictor Iorillo M+/+!++
!u"er2ising A- ditor *ecky !ulli2an M+/+!++
!ound FE ditors ,lenn (oskinson
-onald L+ 1arner# %r+ M+/+!++
!$awn !ykora M+/+!++
Ant$ony R+ Milc$
(oward Neiman
*ernard 1eiser M+/+!++
!"ecial !ound ))ects 9ictor Iorillo M+/+!++
4st Assistant !ound ditor Tim Tuc$rello
Dnd Assistant !ound ditor 9incent &asarro
A-R ditor Gack -a2is
!u"er2ising Foley ditor ,ordon cker M+/+!++
!ound ))ects Recordists ,ary *lu)er
!ound ))ects &oordinators %o$n Mic$ael Fanaris
*lake Marion
-awn Crato)il
Re:Recording Mixers 1ayne (eitman
Tom -a$l
Re:Recording Mixer
"T$e Misbe$a2ers" *+ Tennyson !ebastian III
A-R 9oice &asting *arbara (arris
A-R Mixer &$ristina Tucker
Negati2e &utter T$eresa Re"ola Mo$ammed
&olor Timer Mic$ael !tanwick
-olby !tereo &onsultant T$om "&oac$" $le
Music &onsultant Caryn Rac$tman
Mary Ramos
Cristen *ec$t
Music ngineer Robert &asale
Music Recorded by Mutato Muzika
"&arni2al o) !ouls"
1ritten by /eter -ixon
/er)ormed by &ombustible dison
&ourtesy o) !ub /o" Records
T$eme )rom "T$e Tiki 1onder (our"
1ritten by /eter -ixon
/er)ormed by &ombustible dison
&ourtesy o) !ub /o" Records
"*reak)ast at -enny's"
1ritten by /eter -ixon
/er)ormed by &ombustible dison
&ourtesy o) !ub /o" Records
"T$e Millionaire's (oliday"
1ritten by /eter -ixon# lizabet$ &ox
/er)ormed by &ombustible dison
&ourtesy o) !ub /o" Records
"!"y 9s+ !"y"
1ritten by Mic$ael &uda$y
/er)ormed by &ombustible dison
&ourtesy o) !ub /o" Records
"(arlem Nocturne"
1ritten by arle (agen
/er)ormed by s?ui2el
&ourtesy o) T$e R&A Records Label o) *M, Music
"!entimental %ourney"
1ritten by *ud ,reen# Les *rown# *en (omer
/er)ormed by s?ui2el
&ourtesy o) T$e R&A Records Label o) *M, Music
"*ewitc$ed <T$eme !ong="
1ritten by %ack Celler# (oward ,reen)ield
&ourtesy o) Tee 9ee Toons
"3M&A"
1ritten by %ac?ues Morali# (enri *elolo# 9ictor 1illis
/er)ormed by T$e 9illage /eo"le
&ourtesy o) Mercury Records by Arrangement wit$
/olygram !"ecial MarketsH!cor"io Music and &an't !to" Music
xecuti2e in &$arge o) !oundtrack )or lektra ntertainment
Andrew Leary
0riginal Motion /icture !oundtrack Album A2ailable on lektra
&om"act -iscs and &assettes
Featuring New Music )rom &ombustible dison
!"ecial T$anks To8
Agnes b+
!te"$anie Allain
Maureen Angelinetta
Lola *abalon
/amela *aris$
(ugo *oss
Goe &assa2etes
&$am"agne Louis Roederer !+A+
&laire &$ew
&$ris &onnelly
Roald -a$l
-olce K ,abbana
-onna Caran Menswear
m"orio Armani
,iorgio Armani
,uinness -istillers
(ama -esign
Leland (+ Faust
%im (anna)in
Lisa (enson
ddie Tis$ko))# (ollywood /iano &o+
%erry Lewis
Lawrence Lorre
Adam Lustig
,erald Martinez
!ean Mc&leese
%oel Millner
Mike !im"son
Maya Montanez !mukler
&indy %o !tanberry
Lee !tollman
!$elley !ur"in
Frank Tas$lin
%amie Toscas
.nited Inde"endent Taxi
*umble 1ard
Curt 9oss
!"ecialty /ro" Fabrication by
Lowtec$
Adam deFelice
Matt$ew ,ratzner
Tra2el Arrangements K !er2ices /ro2ided by
%udy ,arland and Associates
!tock Footage /ro2ided by
/roducers Library !er2ice K
Film K 9ideo !tock !$ot# Inc+
lectric ?ui"ment /ro2ided by
!+I+R+ !tudios
,ri" ?ui"ment /ro2ided by
&inelease
&ameras and Lenses /ro2ided by
/ana2ision (ollywood
&amera -olly /ro2ided by
%+L+ Fis$er
0"ticals by
/aci)ic Title
9isual ))ects by
%ay Mark %o$nson
*ert$a ,arcia
-esign and Animation
Robert !tromberg
-a2id !+ 1illiams %r+
Illusion Arts# Inc+
%oe ,areri
/atrick /$illi"s
/aci)ic Title -igital
Animated Titles &reated by
*ob Curtz
Animation /roduced by
Curtz and Friends
&reati2e &onsultant
&$uck %ones
Animators
/am &ooke:1einer
!$ane Gal2in
,ary Mooney
-a2e !"a))ord
Titles by
/ittard:!ulli2an:Fitzgerald
/ost /roduction !ound by
!oundstorm
Insurance /ro2ided by
,reat Nort$ern H Rei)) K Associates
0riginated on astman &olor Negati2e
&olor by
-eluxe
Recorded in -olby !tereo
Filmed 1it$ /ana2ision
&ameras K Lenses

/ri&ac0 /#lic0