1

[Link],127 --> [Link],881

Hello, darling.
Hello, Nan.
2
[Link],785 --> [Link],633
Hang on a minute. Let me
bring you on a speakerphone.
3
[Link],338 --> [Link],337
Can you hear me? 'Hello, Nan.
4
[Link],338 --> [Link],337
'Turn your head.' Turn me head. Bop.
5
[Link],338 --> [Link],138
'I'm over here!' He's over there.
6
[Link],237 --> [Link],237
Oh, have a look!
7
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You're on the telly, love. You're on
the telly.
8
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
'I'm on Skype.' Oh, Skype Sports?
9
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
No, I don't watch that rubbish,
love.
10
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
When you going to come up and see
me? 'Not for a while, Nan. I'm in Africa.'
11
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, yeah? Still on your holidays?
12
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'No, I'm volunteering... in Namibia.
13
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Do you remember? I'm helping build
a school for orphans.'
14
[Link],335 --> [Link],334

We can all build schools for

orphans, love,
15
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
but who's going to come and fix my
wonky tap?
16
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
'The council?' The council? No
good bastards!
17
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
How's Umbongo?
18
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Who's Umbongo?'
19
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
That friend you keep... banging on
about.
20
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
'Ngudu?' If you like.
21
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Ngudu is the group leader, Nan. Oh,
it's a group thing now, is it?
22
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Nan, it's really amazing out here.
23
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'The children can't wait...'
Yeah, love, I get the gist.
24
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Me programme's on now. Ta-ta.
25
[Link],429 --> [Link],243
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
[Link]
26
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Well, the tap's not been working for
ages.
27
[Link],335 --> [Link],334

And it's not the first time

something's broken.
28
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Mind you, I suppose it's the same
everywhere, innit?
29
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You remember Cheryl? You know, round
the corner, the one with the head.
30
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Great big square head she had,
didn't she? Head like a toaster!
31
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Her husband left her. Yeah. I mean,
I can't blame him really.
32
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Must have laid in bed at night
staring at her thinking,
33
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
"I wonder how many Pop Tarts I could
get in that head?"
34
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
But, you know, when you think
about...
35
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'I'm sorry, I don't understand.
36
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Press star to return to main menu.'
37
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh, leave off!
38
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
So, who are ya? I'm Alice.
39
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Yeah. Who sent you? The Young and
Old Buddy-Up Foundation.
40

[Link],335 --> [Link],334

The Young and Old Buddy-Up
Foundation.
41
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What's that, then?
42
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Well, it's where young people go and
help old people who may need a buddy.
43
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
May need a buddy?!
44
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What you supposed to do then anyway?
Cheer you up.
45
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Christ! When's that start?
46
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Want a cup of tea, love? No, thanks.
47
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Have a cup of tea, eh, love? Oh, no,
really, I'm fine, thank you.
48
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What, do you want a coffee? I don't
drink coffee.
49
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
No? Well, have a cup of tea, then,
eh?
50
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You'll like a nice cup of tea.
I don't really like tea.
51
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
No? I do.
52
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I do like a cup of tea. Oh, I do
like a cup of tea, me!
53

[Link],335 --> [Link],334

Love a cup of tea!
54
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Anyone could ask me, "Would you
like a cup of tea?" I'd say, "Yeah."
55
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
"Yeah, love a cup of tea me."
56
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Lovely, lovely tea... in a cup.
57
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Love a cup of tea!
58
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh! Do you want a cup of tea?
59
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, whatever gave you that idea?!
60
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Course I want a cup of tea!
61
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
"Would you like a cup of tea?" I'm
sat here gasping in me own house!
62
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh, yeah, that tap don't work.
63
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, hark at that. Can you hear that?
That noise?
64
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
That'll be that new family. They've
been moving in all week.
65
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Crash, bang, wallop! That's all you
ever hear, morning, noon and night.
66
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, bang, bang, bang!

67
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I mean, how much stuff do you need?
68
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, they frighten the life
out of me.
69
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
And the looks they give you
on the stairs.
70
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
You'd think I'd wiped me arse
with one of their cats.
71
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh, there are, love. Go on, you
get that, will ya? Oh, I don't dare.
72
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Hello? Hello. Hello, Mrs Taylor.
73
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Hello, sweetheart!
74
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You all moved in? Oh, yes,
thank you.
75
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Just came to apologise in case
there's been any noise.
76
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Has there been any noise?
77
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I ain't heard any.
78
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
This is Alice.
79
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
She's here to cheer me up.
80
[Link],335 --> [Link],335

Due to start any time soon.

81
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Well, just in case, I brought you
some lentil dahl and sag aloo.
82
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh, what's that?
83
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
That... curry, is it?
84
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
It's lentil dahl and sag aloo.
85
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Len-dah and sa-loo.
86
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, that's lovely, innit? I shall
have a slice of that later.
87
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
See you soon. Ta-ta, sweetheart!
Ta-ta.
88
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
What a fucking liberty!
89
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Did you see that?!
90
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Did you see that?! I'm lucky I've
escaped with me life!
91
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
And did you hear her?
Did you hear her?
92
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
"See you soon?" That's a veiled
threat if ever I've heard one.
93
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
And look at this poison
she's give me!

94
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What shall I do with it? Well, don't
open it, for gawd's sake!
95
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Never get the smell
out the curtains!
96
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Erm... how's my tea coming along?
97
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
But the tap's broken. Oh, just be
gentle with it, love,
98
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
don't go nausing it up with them
great big shovel hands of yours.
99
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh, well, that has cheered me up,
I'll give you that, love.
100
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Have a look at this mob...
101
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
junkie, layabout,
102
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
thief, murderer,
103
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
halitosis, fat ankles,
104
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
transvestite.
105
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Hello, Mrs Taylor! Hello, darling,
how are you?
106
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, I ain't seen you in ages, love!
Here, you been on your holidays?

107
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You're looking well, I'll tell you that,
darling. How's that little dog of yours?
108
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You still got that...? She's got
a little dog. It's only little.
It's like that, innit? Little dog.
109
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, anyway, darling, it's lovely
to see you, sweetheart.
110
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Bye. Take care, darling.
111
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Who was that? Gawd knows!
112
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Come on, move along, love! Ain't you
got to go and have a big fat gypsy wedding?
113
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm not a gypsy.
114
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Well, two out of three ain't bad.
115
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
73! Excuse me, dear, my taps don't
work.
116
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
73?
117
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Are you talking to me, love?
118
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Are you 73? I'm 75, but this scarf
is flattering.
119
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You need to take a ticket
from the machine.

120
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, go and get us a ticket, love.
121
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Now sit down and wait your turn.
I'm waiting for me ticket.
122
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Sit down. Here's me ticket.
123
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Congratulations. Now go away and
fill out an E-179 form.
124
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I ain't got time to be filling out
forms, love.
125
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I've got to get home. I'm on Skype
Sports to Africa, you know?
126
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Number... number 73.
127
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, have a look.
128
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What you here for then, son?
129
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Listen, if they ain't going to fix
my taps,
130
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
I can't see 'em splashing out on
a winch just to get you in a bath.
131
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Er... excuse me, I'm here for
a parking permit.
132
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Blimey! What do you drive, a skip?
133

[Link],335 --> [Link],335

Madam, read the sign!
134
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
"Our employees and visitors
135
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
"are entitled to be here without
threat of abuse or rude language."
136
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Right. Well... try not to be such
a difficult cow, love,
137
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
then you wouldn't need a sign.
138
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Eh? Am I right?
139
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Madam, I will call Security.
140
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Security?!
141
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm 75 years old! What do you think
I'm going to do?
142
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Knit you another sign that says,
"Go and fuck yourself!"
143
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Security!
144
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Yeah? Yeah, you call Security, love.
145
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Me and this extremely fat man... will
not take this lying down!
146
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
And he can barely get up.

147
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I do Pilates! Good luck to you,
love, every little helps.
148
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
I go three times a week! Yeah? What,
they got a canteen there?
149
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm not that fat! Security, please
remove this woman from my desk!
150
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, listen, you leave this poor man
alone.
151
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
His only crime is loving food
152
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
that little bit more than he loves
Pilates.
153
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
And look at him... he loves Pilates.
154
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm going to have to ask you to
leave, madam.
155
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
No, I'm not leaving! I'm not leaving
till me number comes up!
156
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Me and this extremely fat man... will
chain ourselves to the railings.
157
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
My name's Steve!
Steve... The Extremely Fat Man!
158
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm afraid I'm going to have to take
you out.
159
[Link],335 --> [Link],334

You'll never get them on him. Have a look

at his wrists, they're the size of legs!
160
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm going to have to restrain YOU.
What? You've got to be joking!
161
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm afraid not. What?!
162
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Look...! Oh...! Oh, my gawd!
163
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, my gawd, it's me heart! Oh! Oh!
164
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Paddles.
165
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Clear!
166
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Wait.
167
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Right, then, who wants tea?
168
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Madam, this is a sterile area!
169
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Well, I washed this morning.
170
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Madam, please leave!
171
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Would she like a cup of tea?
172
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Who is this?
173
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I am serving a Community Service
Order for disturbing the peace

174
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
and simulating a heart attack.
175
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
That is disgraceful! Hobnob?
176
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What's all this, then?
177
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Ah.
178
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Is that your son, is it? That's my
granddaughter.
179
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh.
180
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Shame.
181
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Still, it's a nice frame, innit?
182
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh! There he is, love.
183
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Here are, put it down there.
184
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Hello, Nan.' Hello, darling, how
are ya?
185
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Nan, where are you? Oh, didn't I
tell you, love? I'm up the hospital.
186
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'No. What is it?' Yeah, they've sent
me up the hospital, in't they?
187
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
'Why, Nan?' Why?

188
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm not well.
189
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
'Well, you don't look well, Nan.'
No. It's just me blood pressure
and me... lung.
190
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
And me heart. And me other lung.
191
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
How's your holiday? 'It's not
a holiday, Nan.'
192
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
How's Kajagoogoo?
193
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Ngudu is fine, Nan. Look, are you
sure you're all right?
194
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
'Can I do anything?' No, love,
you just enjoy your holiday.
195
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'The thing is, Nan, we're at a
really crucial stage.
196
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
'The new filtration system...' Nan!
Nan, the doctor! Yeah, don't keep on,
son. Ta-ta.
197
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Everything all right in here? Yes,
thank you, love.
198
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Now, Alfie,
we can't have you moving about
199
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
if you want those bones
setting properly.

200
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Do you understand? Well... Yeah,
I know, have a Rich Tea.
201
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
He loves 'em!
202
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
It says as long as you never threaten
anyone at the council again
203
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
the matter is closed. However, if you
do anything disruptive,
204
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
they will add more hours to your
service
205
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
and you'll be cleaning toilets this
time. Oh. Cleaning toilets this time!
206
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What are you still doing here,
anyway?
207
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Why aren't you out with your mates?
208
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Dunno, just chose to volunteer.
209
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Why's that, love? Not much to do
after school.
210
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Bullied, are you? No.
211
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Is it cos you're ginger?
212
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
No. What, the spots?
213

[Link],335 --> [Link],335

No. The smell?
214
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
No. Well, you've got to hand it to
them bullies, love,
215
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
they ain't gone for the obvious,
have they?
216
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm a bit shy.
217
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
There's nothing wrong with shy,
darling.
218
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
No-one likes a loudmouth.
219
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You just remember... to stand up for
yourself every now and again
220
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
and don't let anyone push you about.
221
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
OK. Now get out there and make me
a cup of tea
222
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
and do the rest of that washing-up.
223
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Now, what's this?
224
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Is the tap fixed? No, course it
ain't, love.
225
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
No, use the one in the bathroom.
226
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What we got here? "Hairy Bikers go

nuts."
227
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
What...?
228
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh! Has that one packed up an' all?
229
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Look at the state of you. It's like
you enjoy it!
230
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Come on, I've had enough of all
this. Oh!
231
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Come on.
232
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Yeah, it's all right, love, I've
learned me lesson.
233
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
I ain't going to be no trouble.
Go and get us a ticket, Alice, love.
234
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
They said if I got any more of that
community service lark, I'd have to
clear out the khazis.
235
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
No, thank ya!
236
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
All that hospital food?
237
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
People shitting through the eye of
a needle?
238
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
No fear. No, I have been
rehabilitised.
239
[Link],335 --> [Link],334

Oh, hello, sweetheart. Oh, hello,

Mrs Taylor, how are you today?
240
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Still enjoying my curries?
241
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I 'ave not stopped.
242
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What you doing up here, darling?
243
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
You looking for a translator?
244
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
No. Why would I want a translator?
245
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Would you like a mint?
246
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Happy news. My son is getting
married next week
247
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
and we want to hire the Community
Centre for the party.
248
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Ah! Oh, congratulations, sweetheart.
249
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
It's going to be a big wedding,
is it?
250
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Well, we're a large family and we
want everyone to celebrate, so, yes.
251
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh. Oh, that's smashing, innit?
Good luck to you, love.
252
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Bye-bye. Ta-ta, sweetheart.

253
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
That's all I need, innit?
254
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
A wedding! There'll be mobs of
people staying up her flat.
255
[Link],335 --> [Link],616
There'll be an elephant blocking
the corridor for a start.
256
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
And you saw what happened on Blue Peter,
I mean, who's going to clear that up?!
257
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Not me! I've already done one lot of
community service.
258
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Innit hot?
259
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, innit hot, eh?
260
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh, I am hot!
261
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You hot, love?
262
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You've got to be hot. I mean, it
stands to reason, don't it?
263
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I mean, if I'm hot... you've got to
be roasting, ain't ya?
264
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You've got to be roasting. I mean,
I don't know how you do it, darling,
I really don't!
265
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'd be sick, I'd be so hot.

266
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I would. I'd be sat here... spewing.
267
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'd be sick!
268
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Sick! Sick! Sick!
269
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'd have a bilious attack then I'd
be sick, I would be so hot!
270
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Number 485.
271
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, here are, that's me.
272
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Anyway, hope you catch a breeze,
darling.
273
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
She's got a point, it is hot.
274
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Good afternoon.
275
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Number 485? Yes, dear. Here you are.
276
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Have you filled out your forms?
I have, love.
277
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Did you take the correct forms in
the corresponding colours?
278
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Yes, I did, dear.
279
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I have a numbered ticket of which
number you have just called out.

280
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I filled out a form from the red
section
281
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
and I sat in the blue section.
282
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I've done everything you asked me
to do,
283
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
now... could someone
284
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
please fix my bastard taps?
285
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Right, Mrs Taylor, we've processed
all your forms
286
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
and I'm afraid to say that,
unfortunately,
287
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
it is not a priority case.
288
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Not a priority case?!
I'm 75 years old!
289
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Nonetheless, you're in good health,
you live alone...
290
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What you talking about?!
291
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
My granddaughter, Alice, lives with
me now!
292
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
So you have another person to help
you around the house?

293
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Well, she's no help, she's useless.
294
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
And... blind.
295
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Blind?! Yeah.
296
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Say hello, Alice.
297
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Poor blind Alice. What?!
298
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Just say hello!
299
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
In front of you is a spinster...
300
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
what smells of cats and
loneliness...
301
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
who wants to help us.
302
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Hello.
303
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
She's not blind. She is! Why's she
holding a book? That's mine.
304
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Percy Jackson And The Lightning
Thief? You're reading that?
305
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Yes, I am.
306
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
"It's perfectly paced with
electrifying moments

307
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
"that chase each other like
heartbeats.
308
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
"The New York Times."
309
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
She's not blind, Mrs Taylor. We can
all see she's not blind.
310
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Well, she can't!
311
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
May I remind you, Mrs Taylor,
312
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
that impersonating someone with
a disability is a crime.
313
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You calling her a liar?!
314
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
My poor blind, ginger Alice?!
315
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
There is no way this girl is blind!
316
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Of course she's blind! If she
weren't blind,
317
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
she'd duck.
318
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You see? You all right, love?
319
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Security, please! Oh, leave off!
320
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I can't see! Oh, it's no good now,

Alice, she don't believe us.

321
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Put your hands behind your back.
Yeah, all right, I'm coming.
322
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, I suppose this means I've got to
clean out the khazis now, does it?
323
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Come on, Alice, we're off. No,
really, I can't see!
324
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh, don't take the piss, love.
325
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Hark at this.
326
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
"Dear Deirdre, I found my husband
wearing my underwear
327
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
"and I don't know what to do."
328
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Deirdre says, "Your husband is
exploring his feminine side,
329
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
"support and encourage him on his
journey."
330
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
What a load of old shit!
331
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I once caught my old man eating
butterscotch Angel Delight,
332
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I slung him out for a fortnight.
333
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
That cured him.

334
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Cos of Angel Delight? That's how
it starts, love.
335
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
One minute they're tucking into some
nancy pudding,
336
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
the next minute they're trying on
your drawers when your back's turned.
337
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You've got to nip that in the bud!
338
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh! Here are, here are, put it on
there.
339
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Nan, are you all right? You look
worse.'
340
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm all right, darling. You look
tired, though, son.
341
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You should come home and get some
rest.
342
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'I've been up all night.'
343
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
With Agadoodoo?
344
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Ngudu, yeah.'
345
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Is that shit on your face?
346
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'It's mud, Nan.' That's none
of my business, love.

347
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'We've been building a hut for...'
When you going to come up and see me?
348
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You going to come up and see me?
'Nan, how bad is it?'
349
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Nan! Nan, the doctor! Oh, I'm going!
350
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
'What?! Nan?!'
351
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Where's Alfie? Er... he just popped
to the toilet, doctor.
352
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
He isn't supposed to get out of bed.
353
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I know, doctor, but you know Alfie,
he fought in two world wars,
354
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
he's too proud to pony on his
mattress.
355
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Finished.
356
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Alfie is a very ill man, Mrs Taylor!
357
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You have been grossly negligent and if
there's any relapse in Alfie's condition,
358
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I will hold you entirely
responsible.
359
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Thank you very much.

360
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Can I get back in bed? Of course you
can, darling.
361
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You can have a nice rest...
362
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
just as soon as you make me a nice
cup of tea.
363
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Ta-ta.
364
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Nan? Yes, love? I'm not going to do
this any more.
365
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Do what? I've put in for a transfer.
366
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm going to be working with another
lady. What?!
367
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Well, it's just... It's not you.
Well, I know it's not me.
368
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Of course it's you!
It's definitely you!
369
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You keep getting me into trouble.
You nearly blinded me and...
370
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
you're not very nice.
371
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You told me to stand up for meself.
372
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Yeah, well, good for you.
373

[Link],335 --> [Link],334

I don't need you anyway. Who you
going to buddy up with instead?
374
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Her name's Lizzie Maynard. Oh, not
old Lizzie Maynard!
375
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Good luck with her, love.
What a moaner!
376
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
She don't stop banging on about
her boiler.
377
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Boiler this, boiler that. Yeah, keep
a lid on it, love,
378
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
there's people with real problems
out here.
379
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Boiler! Boiler! Boiler!
380
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Have fun with her, love.
381
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Bye, then. Ta-ta!
382
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Here, Alice. Yeah?
383
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
We had a laugh, didn't we?
384
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
No.
385
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Please state clearly
the nature of the repair.'
386
[Link],335 --> [Link],334

Me tap.
387
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Please repeat that.'
388
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Me tap.
389
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
'I'm sorry I don't understand
"me-tap".'
390
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Me...
391
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
bastard... tap!
392
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'Press zero for more options.' Oh!
393
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'If you are calling regarding
recycling, press one.' No.
394
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'If you are calling regarding pest
control, press two.' No.
395
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
'If you are calling because you are
Mrs Joannie Taylor,
396
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
'please find something else to do
with your time and never show your
face again at the council office.'
397
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Shove it...
398
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
up... your... arse!
399
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Innit hot?!

400
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You hot?
401
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Number 561.
402
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Hello.
403
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
I am a woman.
404
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I was wondering if you might
help me.
405
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
The flat what I am currently staying
in has a problem with the taps.
406
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
And what is your name?
407
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Mrs...
408
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Smith.
409
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Is it?
410
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
And what is the current address
you're staying at?
411
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
10 Devonshire Court.
412
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
How interesting, that's where
a Mrs Joannie Taylor lives.
413
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
With her blind granddaughter, yes.

414
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
And according to our records
415
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
is no longer allowed within
a one-mile radius of this office.
416
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I didn't know that.
417
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Just as well I came instead, then.
418
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I just want to know why you
suddenly changed your mind?
419
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
It's the council's decision,
not mine! But you could help!
420
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
What's the matter, sweetheart?
421
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Miss Donnelly says she will not allow my
son to get married in the Community Centre
422
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
because they're not allowed to have
a religious service.
423
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
What?! That's disgraceful!
424
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
First your wedding, now my taps.
425
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
When are you going to get off your
bony arse and help us?
426
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm not! And I am delighted to say
427
[Link],335 --> [Link],334

that this little charade of yours is

now officially over.
428
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I have you on camera attempting to
commit identity fraud,
429
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
engaging in abusive behaviour and
contravening your restraining order.
430
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Yeah, and what part of that's
against the law?
431
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
All of it. Is it? Is it? Right,
well, I won't keep you.
432
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, come on, don't be like that!
433
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
How long we known each other,
Darren? It's Geoff.
434
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Well, it's close enough.
435
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Oh, no, you don't!
436
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You can't get away with this,
Ms Donnelly.
437
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Here, what you doing here? I thought
you'd left me for old Lizzie Maynard.
438
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Oh, she kept banging on about
her boiler.
439
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I told you, didn't I? Excuse me,
what is going on here?

440
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You are in contravention of council
rules, which stipulate
441
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
that all employees must prioritise
members of the community over 74
442
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
and always treat them with respect.
443
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
You've been fucking horrible!
444
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
That's Braille, by the way.
445
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Of course I'm horrible!
446
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
You try dealing with you scum
day in, day out.
447
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I mean, look at you all 448
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
layabout, junkie, thief, murderer,
449
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
halitosis, an extremely fat man!
450
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
For goodness' sake! My BMI is only
slightly above average!
451
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
How dare you speak to these
wonderful people like that?!
452
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Who do you think you are?!
453
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
We are a community!

454
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
We are individuals who come
together!
455
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Yes!
456
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Whether Indian,
457
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
morbidly obese...
458
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
drag act...
459
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
or Muslim like meself.
460
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
We are a community who supports and
cares for one another!
461
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Yeah! Right? Yeah!
462
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
And if you won't let these fine
upstanding people
463
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
have a wedding in our
Community Centre,
464
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
then fuck ya, you miserable old witch,
they can have it back at my flat.
465
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Yeah!
466
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I'm afraid that won't be possible,
Mrs... Smith!
467

[Link],335 --> [Link],334

As a council-owned property, parties
of over ten people are not allowed.
468
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Yeah? Well, thing is, love, it ain't
a council-owned property.
469
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
I own my flat. Bought it back in the
1980s. Thank you, Mrs Thatcher!
470
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
How do you like them apples?
471
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Yeah! Well, if you own the flat,
472
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
you're not entitled for us to fix
the taps!
473
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Well, it was worth a try,
weren't it?
474
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
Come on! All back to mine!
475
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
# I said to me mother let me 'ave
a talk with Dad
476
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
# When he came to the telephone,
he wasn't half mad
477
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
# Said, "She's got no sense, silly
little cow"
478
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
# "If he comes round here there's
gonna be a row"
479
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
# I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care if he comes round here

480
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
# I've got my beer in the sideboard
here
481
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
# Let your mother sort it out if he
comes round here... #
482
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
I didn't realise there was this many
of you, you're multiplying like a virus.
483
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Right, no, you're not bringing that
elephant in here,
484
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
what do we do if it needs to go to
the lav?
485
[Link],335 --> [Link],335
I've already been to the toilet!
486
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Make yourself at home, love.
487
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Here, listen, it's only one onion
bhaji per head, all right?
488
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Thank you so much for helping us.
489
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
It's all I could do, darling, after
all them lovely curries.
490
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
Hit it, boys!
491
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
# I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care if he comes round here
492
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
# I've got my beer in the sideboard

here
493
[Link],335 --> [Link],334
# Let your mother sort it out if he
comes round here
494
[Link],335 --> [Link],935
# I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care if he comes round... #
Nan!
495
[Link],947 --> [Link],947
Nan, what is going on? I thought you
were on your deathbed?
496
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
Oh...
497
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
Yeah...
498
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
I got better, didn't I?
499
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
I left behind a whole school of
children who needed help.
500
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
Did ya?
501
[Link],947 --> [Link],947
Ne'er mind.
502
[Link],947 --> [Link],947
Here, while you're here, son, you
couldn't have a quick look at my
taps, could you?
503
[Link],947 --> [Link],947
Hit it, fellas!
504
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
# I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care if he comes round here
505
[Link],947 --> [Link],946

# I've got my beer in the sideboard

here
506
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
# Let your mother sort it out if he
comes round here
507
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
# I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care if he comes round here
508
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
# I've got my beer in the sideboard
here
509
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
# Let your mother sort it out if he
comes round here
510
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
# I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care if he comes round here
511
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
# I've got my beer in the sideboard
here
512
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
# Let your mother sort it out
if he comes round here
513
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
# I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care if he comes round here
514
[Link],947 --> [Link],947
# I've got my beer in the sideboard
here... #
515
[Link],972 --> [Link],892
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
[Link]
516
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
Well, that's that, then. I've got
me school holidays on Monday.
517
[Link],947 --> [Link],946

That's it, is it? Well, yeah,

officially.
518
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
Oh. Unless... Well, I mean you could
always... If I'm ever passing.
519
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
If you're ever passing. I could come
up and see ya.
520
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
You could come up and see me.
521
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
And I'll bring you that cake you
like. Ha-ha.
522
[Link],947 --> [Link],947
I'll save you a bit of... sag aloo.
523
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
I just want you to know... Yeah.
524
[Link],947 --> [Link],946
you made me feel really special
and...
525
[Link],947 --> [Link],947
Yeah, wrap it up, love, me
programme's on now.
526
[Link],947 --> [Link],947
Move your head, love.