Miracles promised

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W H AT ' S

INSIDE...

* Who's Responsible 2 *
*
A
Disclaimer
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* A Quiz and then some.... 2 *
* NEW! From the C-TEAM's Man: *
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Sick
Sam,
P. I
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S . W . A . T.
!
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Trouble

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THE
5

Spy's Eye-.Espionage

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Buff Donnelly
Journal

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Earth, reviewed along with *
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Standing in the Dark.
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Best of alioo.NO SPOHTS
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unless you ask for them.
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2
DISCLAIMER: This paper is not connected in any se.:se with Header's
Digress, except in a satirical one at best. Any articles herin
were edited, even censored, by the people who wrote them. This
means that:
Any views or matters expressed in this,or any,issue of Headers1
EL-jest are not neccessarily those of its staff and/or sponsors..
All articles herein,or the paper as a whole,are for satirical
purposes only,and are not to be construed or imDlied as factual.
Any characters created by our writers,and/or any resemblance to
any living or dead individual,or group,is none of our concern.We
will not be held liable for anything,including misappropriation
of funds,unauthorized publication,continuation of publication,or
incorrect statements made about well-known individualsa
All rights reserved,1984 by Readers* Di-jest
**************************************^

Readers1 .Di-jest.o.Charlottetown Ruralfs other newspaper:

Chief Non-Editor
Assistant
Editor

Danny
Jim

Mullen
Lai

Director of Special Effects....Jim Lai "*

Director of Promotion...... H...Danny Mullen
Business Manager .James Connolly
S t a f f P h o t o g r a p h e r o R i c k y B r a z e l , Ye a r b o o k C o m m i t t e e
Staff
Writers
Jim
Lai
Danny Mullen
Martin Pobes,a quoted person
"Buff" Whatshisface
also use of The Globe and Mail
Staffers1 Scapegoat from a
time that was 0 .Shone
************************

Blayne

************^***-K******************4<.4f*^*^**

Special thanks goes to the guys in Ward 112,Y/ing 3 of the Sleepy

Rural Correctional Facility for their help in my escape,, I am now
at large, once again.
- Someone Else
QUIZ: If Ms Black works at store A for X dollars, and Mr. 3rown
works at store B for 30fo more, while Mrs. Green works in store
C for 50$ of what Black and Brown together make. If I/ass
Gold at store D is paid 4/15 of X more than 5/6 of what Mrse
Green earns,who is the highest paid? You may take a while.
Here*s some something:V/e, the rebels who have founded this o den
ization, would like to thank Radio Shack at 96 Queen St. for ~
permitting our extensive use of their computer facilities. Thev
happen to have advertized in this paper, so...

Readers's

Di-jest

Sick Sam:Guess Who Didn't Want Him! by Harry Zgwartz/Armchair Sgt.

Sam gripped the Usi submachine gun tightly.He made a quick run across the
street.Three streetgang members ran up to him.
"No punks are gona stop me!"he said as he made them dance,forcing them away
with his bullets."Good riddance'You guys can't even breakdance!"
The enterance appeared in front of him.He ran down the stairs as people began
screaming.He pushed his way through the crowd,jumping the turnstile.
"At last,"he panted,"I made it to the subway without getting mugged!"
So began another day in the life of "Sick" Sam Smith,private eye and psychopath
(heck,no one's perfect!).
H e s a t i n h i s o f fi c e , s h o o t i n g h i s . 4 5 p i s t o l a t t h e d a r t b o a r d o n t h e w a l l .
Somebody in the next room screamed.He stopped firing.Then,this blonde walked in
t h e d o o r, c l u t c h i n g h e r l e f t w r i s t .
"You winged me,"she said.
"Sorry,"Sam muttered as he opened a drawer and threw a compressed bandage at
her."Use it.Now whaddaya want?"
"How often does this happen?"
"Oh, 'bout every two hours."
" Yo u ' r e j u s t t h e m a n f o r t h e j o b . "
"Good.Good.Uh...what's the job?"
"Rescue my boyfriend from the Mafia."
"Good.Good.I love shooting those gons.I got an old enemy,Pepsi Areola.We qot a
score to settle.I'll charge $10,000 plus expenses."
"Expenses?"
"Ammunition.Lessee now...50 rounds per box at $5 a box...I'd say at least a
thousand.Dollars,not rounds."
" Yo u ' r e t h o r o u g h . "
"Yeah,"Sam chuckled.
" Yo u ' r e r e a l l y s i c k ! " s h e s a i d w i t h d i s g u s t .
"Thanks!"he
gleefully
smiled.
To
be
continued...
(P.S.,Beware the Armchair Commandos!!!)
S.W.A.T. (Schoolroom Weapons And Tactics) by John Fnudding,Armchair Gen.,Ret.
I n t h i s fi r s t i n s t a l l m e n t , I w i l l b e g i n m y l o n g - a w a i t e d d i s c u s s i o n " S u r v i v a l i n
t h e C l a s s r o o m " ( C h e m i s t r y 5 11 , t h i s i s i t ! ) .
Some cruel,twisted,demoralizing tactics used by teachers are:
1) Surprise test!
2) Enough tests and quizzes to make you dizzy!
3 ) P i l e s o f n o t e s t o fi l l a b o v e t e s t s !
4) Ramble on about some pointless topic!
5) Do nothing at all!
These time-tested tactics are hard to beat.Number one is almost foolproof.If
nothing works,start screaming in the hallways about how unfair the teacheris.
For number two,complain that you weren't given any previous warning or show
(mock) concern for the teacher,as he will have to mark all those tests.To combat
number three,get a portable computer and type al your notes,or photograph them
That will get the message across.If the teacher rambles on,as in number four,
Doin in.The guy (or gal) obviously needs the psychological therapy.In number
fi v e , d o n o t h i n g - t h e s i l e n c e w i l l d r i v e h i m c r a z y !
N e x t t i m e a r o u n d , I w i l l d i s c u s s m o r e w e a p o n r y a n d t a c t i c s . R e m b e r, i t ' s a j u n g l e
out
there!
_
John
nBig
Bangn
pnuding.
When considering a place to go on vacation this March Break,take a look at warm
a n d w o n d e r f u l P a k i s ta n l N o t o n l y d o th e fr i e n d l y n a ti v e s c a r e fo r y o u r e v e r y
need,but they often mistakenly acept Canadian Tire coupons as official Canadian
c u r r e n c y. T h i s w i l l g r e a t l y h e l p t o r e d u c e y o u r t r a v e l c o s t s . - Tr a v e l E d i t o r

Readers' Di-jest is great!!!

l*****************************^
*l**ltl**** TROUBLE! ***********
No more Mr. Nice Guy!!-There
are rumors abounding over the
possible truce between the lit
erary genius who writes "His
Word - Trouble", and that other
Person who schluffs out "Her

tne various articles. This can

pe
in columns,
the fact as
that
navebest
my seen
page in
do I
u * 2 y their
f . t h material
e t h e r typed
l i t e r s for
"ho
nad
them. At the same time, however,
some pages are printed in the
Reader's Digress' fashion of a
line right across the page The
people who have done this will
change their style for the next
issue, or else!

who have to plagerize to'g^t

ft? a s tueras*r r

Once I have stopped going off

on wayward tangents, as do many
of my teachers, I can again get
down to the business of quite
neatly insulting a multitude of
People, and geting away with itAfter all is said and done, one'
can only say that most females,
for instance, are dizzy little
busybodies who, having no re
^n?S
2f.uheir
the guys
to
lead
them OWn'
in life.9etDon't
Iven
beleive for a moment that girls
have a chance to "climb up" in
the world, unless of cour'se they
get masculine assistance.(You
know what I mean!). One should
shudder at the thought.

tedntod,ete-3USt "0t that taleni,rn7F

n i t i a t i t?
v e ln
a s on" R such
e a d e ra
s ' daring
Di-ieft"

Maybe my bias towards women is

affecting my credibility amongst

skew -rawr-i''.

at SCaa^;
Charlotetown
but unassuming,
Rural. Some kids
of
the less brilliant individuals

other newspaper, "The Reader's

Dlgress:Trouble"
wm thatwas
shehaving
(from "Her
W"d~
some
ng
all
ne0USHE.s0finher -"^hangin9, 3,

tS-f??Bh:ris0?^ln"n to he,s

On the more serious side, you

may have noticed that Gee? this
is not "Reader-s Digress"! but
in fact, the other - and lesser

epical of her indecisive kind.

toBh^ 5 business, I would like

C a r n i v a ls ' fVarietv
^-rnival
v 9 i r l S show
a t t hwhn
e ^ nfli
t
so latt.c.d b y my p ^ o u n d ^ ss
alter d prese'nta ion^ 9aVe *"
article "a:on of y first
Digrel" '"h"6 " "Reader's

^d/^hiria-r Is^T^

that I,
r S?h^
of all haVe
people,determined
have an
alter ego which is kind to the
tairer gender! Talk about a case
of mistaken identity! Wouldn't
you know it though/these few
but determined females are just
nopmg that I will soften my
views so that they will be able
bian?La
ChanCe
to make
bigoted views
known
to the^eir
rest
of this impressionable instifute
of learning. I feel that it is
my duty to provide a literary
oasing for the meek and ill at
ease of C.R.H.S.
Next Time; Unemployment and UB40

Readers' Di-jest
The Spy's Eye:Espionage Notes
Stolen From Desks - and others
by Joe Znutar, Armchair Lt,Ret.
General Intel:
H.-There is a VCR in the library
used for blackmail - studying
^that
^ i 0students.
r f subhumans - make
#2: Buff Donnoly is a sleeper,
l i t e r a l l y.
'
#3: An agent can be contacted at
locker 007.
#4: HAL lives in locker 2001
#5: Ghosts do not inhabit locker
numbers 13 through 666.
#6: The cafeteria is the site of
chemical and biological warfare
tests.
#7: A mysterious plague has very
recently struck the Rural
!o:
& Reds
#7 arehave
not infiltrated
elated.Hah!
19: ItThe
the Rural.(The Redmen?)
#10 Why couldn't the Blondes
have done it?
ALERT: TO all'operatives I stop
singling out a lone target of
the opposite sex for monitoring.
We're tired of getting the re
sulting photos! The Agency isn't
a talent agency!
- Lt. Znutar, Ret.
****** Buff Donnolly's *********

********** journal *************

Beware the ides of March! yes,
today was both the 15th. of the
month of March, and so terrible'
The animals were so very worked
up over the fast approaching
March Break.
over^h^ n2 ne haS hit an*one
oyer
the since
head with
"Ghetto
Blaster"
last aTuesday,
there have ben some outbreaks of
teachers hurling their pocket
radios at Mr. Maul And Mr. (r )
Larsen.You know, iife is sure
funny at Charlesstown Severely

Run-down High, but there's al

ways lots of the good ol CSRH
team spirit. Too bad most of it
is in the hallways.
Well anyway, I did have a few
laughs today; like when Mr.
Burly lost his daushsund iii the
Teachers' Lounge, and the dog
bit Willy Flower. The dog might
even live. Then, Mr. Maul went
and challenged the entire hockey
team to a tag-team Wrestling
match! He and Cresmond Gonna-Lee
really cleaned up. Speakina of
that, in the cafeteria...Bill
Handler mistook a student for
some garbage and shoved him into
a garbage compacter.
That was almost as funny as
the look on Mr. Larsen's face
when he went to his chemistry
class this morning. His studen t s
Krazy-glued their desks to the
ceiling! Hah! But Mr. Larsen was
quick to recover, forcing the
hapless students to sit in the
d^sks.
Boy,on you
the look
theirshould*have
faces! Talkseen
geting the blood flowing to your
head, that was funny!
B u t s e r i o u s l y, i t w a s n ' t a l l
fun and games today. I had to
cope with Mrs. Canton's stories
all morning long! If she was a
a student, I'd get Miss Chillus
to shoot her! Then Mr. Jambe-Bomme took to arms today and shot
two of his worst troublemakers.
That now makes fourten teachers
for guns, twelve against, and
nineteen indifferent. Arms Talks
are now going on with that silly
Students' Council. We get all of
the names of people writing for
Reader's Di-jest and they get a
few semi-automatic pistols to
help even the odds.
All told, this has been a dull
sort of day, but things are look
ing up for the March Break -I'll
be on vacation.

Readers' Di-jest is incredible!

it's no big thing to do that.

********************************

** A FAMOUS PERSON SPEAKS OUT **

*** THE POLITICS OF DANCING. ***

********************************

"Urn...well, I was working at

the store one day. A lady came
in. It was a hardware store. She
asked for a screen door; so, I
gave her a screen door. It did
not really seem right."
- Schwan Blame, former editor
of a defunct bird book.
After that, you'll really need:
>>>>>>>>>> Dear Robin <<<<<<<<<<
counsel from the boiler room.
Dear Robin: Where can I find
out more about drugs ang what
they do to you? - Trying Pot
Dear Trying: There's a complete
line up of books on the subject
i n t h e s c h o o l l i b r a r y. A l s o , y o u
could talk with someone who is
in Peer Education. By the way,
there is a short list of facts
about marijuana in this issue.
Dear Robin: I think you don't
know what you're talking-about,
and you are usually wrong anyway
...and you spelled my name wrong
you dummy! - Schwan Blyaine
Dear Schwan: People in glass
houses shouldn't throw scones,
or even biscuits for that matter
Dear Robin: When I was at the
school dance the [security men]
took my beer. How do I get [the
beer] back? - Bob
Dear Bob: There are some prob
l e m s w i t h t h a t : fi r s t , y o u w e r e
not allowed to take any booze or
d r u g s i n t o t h e d a n c e ; s e c o n d l y,
y o u j u s t d o n ' t have a case again
st them!
Dear Robin: I really like this
girl that I work with, and I'd
real like to take her out, but
I'm 17 and she's 20. I think she
might go out with me, but what
would my friends think? -No Name
Dear No: Don't worry about it,

When Micheal Jack s o n a c c i d e n t a l

ly burned his hair last month,
everyone was conce rned for him.
But now, we see th e whole story
b e h i n d i t a l l . H e ' s doing comme r c i a l s t o s e l l s u garwater to
kids! Not that I d on't like pop,
o r e v e n f o r t h a t matter, PEPSI,
b u t I d o o b j e c t t o the way that
more and more Rock s t a r s a r e
promoting that jun k.
Daryll Hall and John Oates
have been doing commerials for
Canada Dry for over a year.The
name "Canada Dry" appears in the
promotional posters, on their
concert tickets, in the places
where they perform, they are
shown drinking Canada Dry on TV,
and in magazine ad's. The Canada
Dry company also sponsors their
concerts!
Even Coke is going to get in
on the action, sponsoring vari
ous bands for summer tours, spe
cial concerts, and of course,
will use the bands in their ad
vertizing.
But back to Pepsi, which is
s p e n d i n g a r u m o r e d fi v e m i l l i o n
dollars to sponsor a reunion
c o n c e r t t o u r o f t h e J a c k s o n fi v e
featuring, of course, Micheal.
One has to ask where it will
all stop. Well, it will probably
be very soon. With all of these
extra promotional costs to cover
we can look towards shelling out
s e v e n t y - fi v e c e n t s f o r a b o t t l e
of pop, sometime later this year
********************************

*
*
*
*

VIDEO SALUTE **** EAT IT! ****

This issue's salute goes to *
We i r d A l Ya n k o v i c h ' s E a t I t ! *
a parody of Micheal Jackson. *

********************************

Readers' Di-jest dares to say!

******* THE CRITICS, pAGE *ieieieieie

Standinq in The .Dark **********

Who hasnt heard "Doesn't Reallv
Matter"?(For example, my botch^
ed attempt at the Winter Carniv
al.) The song is the best of the
top ten Coming complete with
lyrics this album hints of synchronicity - The Police), this
haiTJS,-20,\?0r those who are
"nnfcn^ nln^ing* The theme to

i-h-e2n^,?eally ^tter" is of
N ^ r t h ^ n 11 ^ 7 , ^ t h e A n t i n g i n
-qtpnH X5eland. other songs,
p
niJ9
i n and
T h e "Not
D a r in
k " , Love",
- Ta k eare
it
From
Me",
outcries of personal anguish.
^f""6 track talks of an
1?e^^Yt.fc-COinmunicate amotion
"Not
N o t in9 r Love"
i n eis
v i t about
a b l e cao ngirl
flict.
th!S ng are
n sad
the and
lead.depressing,
dinger. The
themes
i but tnere is a brightness tS the
songs - the will to survive
lifts the songs in the form of
Thona^w c*?ruses *nd refrains.
p
t h e derivative,
t h r e e m a n they
g r o uare
p i sor a
Police
iginal enough, i rate this album
f(What
'? on
^ scale of l to 10
else?).
N.B.: This reviewer will re
view Heavy Metal in the future
ej^in'plf/1?8 the 0fcher ^view
poo S. !ad6r
Digress)
FOOLIN'
himselfS and
cover stopped
the
musical spectrum without bias
Long live Rock and Roll!.
(In Deep!)

u s over, all one can remember

is the fact that fewer and fewer
clothes are worn as the story
drags on. This walking loser is
6.0 on the R.A.W. scale.
**

The R.A.W. Scale Explained **

The R.A.W. scale is an unique

system of rating movies. Each of
the letters is roughly analogous
a certain numbered level:
R", or Rotten, is 0 to 4 9
thus making up half of all'movie
productions, which ARE rotten'
A , or Awful, is 5 to 7.8 ,
because I hate to see an great
movie that could have made it at
7;9wOn "The Scale".
"W", or Wonderful, is 7 9 - 9 9
There is no 10, mainly because'
of two things: I include zero in
my scale, and there never can be
a totally perfect movie.
********************************

THE FLAT EARTH *** Thomas Dolby

Capitol St 12309
For such a irritating prson
as Thomas Dolby, with an equally
irritating track as "Hyperact
ive , he can really overcome my
fi r s t i m p r e s s i o n s o f h i s r e a l l y
progessive Rock. His exciting
video to cover the album makes
use of a multitude of special
effects and those irritatingeffects Dolby does to his voice
through the use of his several
synthesizers and tone generators
The cover track, "1 scare Myse Lf is-obviously based in Jaz-

Back Seat At The Movies *******

"Blame It On Rio!" was indeed

Peter Thorn, a trombonist whose

efforts appear on two of "Flat
Earth"'s
cuts.
at
th^HH11'
Vuld second
have to album,
say
that this, XDolby's
will be an enormous success.

8
Readers' Di-jest is provocative.
******* c.S.R.H. NO ROOM *******
As we rejoin our story, we see
"Four-Hands" Davis has just won
the "Gee, He's The Most Beauti
ful Thing I've Seen In My Life"
award from the Students' Council
"Uh, thanks, I think. I really
appreciate this honour that you,
uh, dumped, er, have given me. I
would like to thank the people
who are responsible for getting
me to where I am today. My bus
d r i v e r, t h a t c u t e b l o n d e w h o
picked me up in her Fuego, the
old guy who drives the green and
white taxi past my house..."
From here we go to the destit
ute CSRH Radio Room, where Doug
Crosstalk is trying to start the
r e c o r d p l a y e r.
"I wonder what this switch with
that wire wil do?" thought Doug
as 10,000 volts began to surge
through his body."EAGHHHHH!"
A hundred watts of pure noise
runs across the way to cafeteria
where this outpouring is so loud
that most of the students can't
hear themselves think - the rest
gave up long ago.
Here, Billie Bower has just
finished his Shakey-Suds Orange
Juice In-A-Toothpaste Tube as
his old rival Marvin Voom gently
tips his homemade yogurt over
Bower's Head. Bower turns redder
than the yogurt and picks up a
half-eaten boiled egg.
Simultaneously, 350 CSRH stud
ents yell,"FOOD FIGHT!" and in
stantaneously dive for the safe
ty of the floor. Pop and pieces
of sandwiches fly everywhere as
supporters of both sides of the
battle become embroilled.
I t w a s t h e n t h a t B u ff D o n n o l l y

cherished principal of the CSRH

that is, strode into the cafeter
ia to get his usual, a Pac-Man
i c e c r e a m n o v e l t y. H i s p a t e n t
leather riding boots and white
pith helmet were soon stained by
the vegetable matter that had
been missed by his all-watchful
self.
F i n a l l y, a f t e r M r . B u r l y ' s r e
lease of his dauchsund into the
area, the fight began to ebb a
little, and was soon over by the
time that the dog devoured half
of a grade ten class. Miss
Chillus came in and mopped up
with her pocket-sized machinegun
and several tear gas grenades.
Of the cas u a l t i e s , o n l y t h e
the seventee n grade te n's were
mortally wou nded. the rest, some
t h i r t y - f o u r in number , only had
minor abras ions and s ome very
s e r i o u s s t a i ns. Mr. Do nnolly was
the most af f e c t e d , b e i n g f o r c e d
t o o r d e r t o Zimbobwae for a new
helmet.
In a rapid departure from what
had gone on previously, "FourHands" decided to attempt to
speak with some sense of intell
igence, ".. .and in closing, I wou
Id like to thank Nancy Patterson
for doing all of those newspap
er commercials."
What he had said previously,
if it were in any way connected
with what he was speaking about,
almost sounded sincere. All the
time he was actually thinking of
his dream-girl, Nena, who does
the "Ninety-Nine Red Balloons"
video.
Will
Will
Will
Will
Will
Will
Will

Four-Hands stop talking?

M r. B u r l y c u r b h i s d o g ?
Shakey Suds catch on?
yogurt shampoo catch on?
Mr. Donnolly get a helmet?
there ever be a girl here?
this satire continue?

Shutdown follows protracted contract talks

Headed
Reader's

SUSpends publication indefinitely

!>}c\re$$> he)<* stopped' publishrifj tfu]r extwwti/idr/'hj tyA

Paper-facing ^^ *z*//a**/*** & ^ tw*-*'*****

2nd lihp! ^uit "^e<xda"n<-' ">ws ^i^^ - faqo*!"

I -tz s
over articles
fvaa^er% "d/qr&s cfa/ifis
iA/iilcj f hitter /s fi*ipaW>' Me
foe or\ epidemic efvirvl
irtfec110/15 Istgt month . fe

\jjh)ch M.

Connolly *f 1
pictured pel*",

Faculty association
woiVt back teacher
The residents of the. i&ih&$
lounqe are too sick-to bach
up Plover, but the other
St#frchtin& b/o/osj'ca/
mtkfe test/**) took place

Flu cuts attendance

by 20 per cent
An tin telai&f out bra] K vf
g P(u-/if(e v)rt& cudjeptg
bruke (Up clt&5& last.
monih SpctWcs on the
Giiealfw ore n<n JM/fob/e

bl nil. x **"*
Connolly

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