GO, JETSET, GO!

"Keep Dancing"

Written

by

Jim Houck

March 7/06 Draft

Virgin Atlantic Airways

CPB
1 GO, JETSET, GO! 1 *

MARCH 7/06 DRAFT *

Title of show: “Keep Dancing” *

OPENING CREDITS:

VIRGIN MUSIC (fresh beats) over:

MONTAGE: Jetsetterdom. Limos rolling out of huge

mansions and 4-star hotels. Diamonds. Chauffers.
Beautiful women, monied giants of business, film and art,
Windsor Castle, Statue of Liberty, White House, Sunset
Boulevard. The Virgin Clubhouse and power circle. The
jet THUNDERS past.

FADE TO RED.

FADE IN:

INT. VIRGIN UPPER CLASS - NIGHT

The Networker, Las Vegas to London. PASSENGERS, *

Washington suits, and FREQUENT FLIERS, take their suites.
HIP MUSIC PLAYS over the cabin system.

FERN, fashion mogul, staggers in. He’s wearing an

elaborate (ridiculous) cast around his upper body, arms
and neck which makes him look like a startled bird. He’s
tried to dress it up, haute couture style.

NICOLE, 20’s, flight attendant, stunning, genius, hurries

up and helps him to his suite.

NICOLE
Fern, what happened?

FERN
Oh, Nicole, the horror. I’m the
victim of a cruel prank played by
the heartless wraith, Fortuna.

NICOLE
I’ve never seen a cast quite
so...weird.

FERN
Those crazed German paramedics cut
my velvet cape to ribbons.

BAILY, 20’s, masseuse, photographic memory, rushes up.

(CONTINUED)
 2.
CONTINUED:

BAILY
My goodness, Fern, you were in an
accident?

Fern topples into his suite with a YELP of pain. Nicole

and Baily help him get seated comfortably (considering).

FERN
This was no accident. This was
Bacchus exacting jealous revenge
for my fortunate lifestyle.

Nicole begins setting up Fern’s suite the way he usually

has it, decorating with pictures, idols, perfumes, etc.

NICOLE
The Bacchus? God of wine?

MR. HUNG, Korean smuggler?; struggles down the aisle with

a suitcase bulging at the seams.

MR. HUNG
Hello, all.
(re: Fern)
New line? Eau de Klutz?

JULES, lead flight attendant, saunters up, looks Fern

over with a critical eye.

JULES
Get drunk and fall off the runway?

FERN
I wasn’t drunk!

MR. HUNG
You fell off a runway drunk? I
thought I was bad when I bought-

The suitcase bursts and DVD’s (ELECTRA II) flood out.

FERN
I wasn’t drunk!

MR. HUNG
(bitterly, re: DVD’s)
That’s what I thought.

JULES
ELECTRA II? Is that even out yet?

(CONTINUED)
 3.
CONTINUED: (2)

MR. HUNG
Want to buy a copy? I’ll make you
a deal. Have to make up your own
dialogue, though. No sound.

Mr. Hung hurriedly crams the DVD’s back into the suitcase
as JOHNATHAN ARBUCKLE III, 40 going on 60, steps gingerly
over them.

ARBUCKLE
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

BAILY
You fell off a runway drunk and
did all this?

ARBUCKLE
(re: Fern)
Great Scott, man, you’re
demolished. I hope you had
adequate medical coverage. The
rising payouts of medical
malpractice suits have given way
to a medical insurance mafia of
sorts that dominates the current
medical system of America, forcing
millions of hard-working souls to
abstain from sensible medical
care. Even a small accident can
push a man of considerable means
over -

JULES
He fell off a runway, drunk.

ARBUCKLE
You’re a pilot, Fern?

FERN
I wasn’t drunk!

MILES WEATHERBY, 17, ambles in, listening to an iPod,

playing a video game. He bumps into the back of
Arbuckle.

JULES
Are you drunk now?

FERN
I most certainly am not!

JULES
Your pupils are dilated.

(CONTINUED)
 4.
CONTINUED: (3)

FERN
(arrogantly)
The doctor said I suffer from a
conscious coma.

Mr. Hung SNORTS in mirth.

FERN (CONT'D)
I’m not even allowed to drink with
the experimental pain medication
the daring young genius who pinned
up my shattered clavicles together
prescribed to me at the behest of
my publicist.

MILES
(re: Fern)
What happened to him?

FERN
My publicist? He sustained mild
injuries. The swine didn’t even
make an effort to catch me. He’s
in surgery now, awaiting a donor
for some organ or another.

NICOLE
He fell off a runway while
intoxicated young man, which is
precisely why you should wait
until you are of legal age before
drinking alcoholic beverages and
even then you should consume them
in moderation.

Miles takes his seat, jeeze, only asking.

FERN
I wasn’t that drunk!

Mr. Hung CACKLES.

MR. HUNG
Wanna buy some DVD’s?

Nicole gets Miles a glass of milk.

NICOLE
Don’t you corrupt this innocent
young man, Fern.

FERN
(horrified)
I’m not corrupting the lad!
(CONTINUED)
 5.
CONTINUED: (4)

MILES
(horrified)
I’m not innocent!

Jules notices a tag tied to Fern’s cast-encased arm.

JULES
What’s this?

DJ DJ steps in.

DJ DJ
DJ DJ in da house!

Everybody ignores him.

DJ DJ (CONT'D)
Yo, ‘sup wit da scarecrow?

JULES
(reading)
“Hello, my name is Fern. If you
find me unconscious it is crucial
to keep my legs moving and call
for medical assistance
immediately.”

FERN
Oh what a load of potted meat.

DJ DJ
DJ DJ in da house!

Still no reaction. Regarding the tag on Fern’s cast:

NICOLE
What’s that mean, Fern?

CAPTAIN MIKE ADAMS (O.S.)

Ladies and gentlemen, king and
queens, welcome aboard The
Networker, non-stop service from
Las Vegas to London.

FERN
Oh, that voice. Some sort of
medical mumbo-jumbo. Came with
the experimental pain killer.

MR. HUNG
Does it say he’s machine washable?

FERN
Bite your serpent tongue.
(CONTINUED)
 6.
CONTINUED: (5)

DJ DJ
Speaking of which, you should
check out my new pythons, Nicole.

JULES
Fern this says if you don’t keep
your legs moving at all times, you
could, “risk life-threatening
blood clots”. Baily, you’re the
masseuse, please try to keep Fern
alive until we land.

Baily begins “cycling” Fern’s legs.

BAILY
We have to keep your legs moving
at all times, Fern.

FERN
Utter nonsense, that doctor was a
juvenile quack and he should have
his license revoked-- that
tickles! Stop!

CAPTAIN MIKE ADAMS (O.S.)

All of us from the flight deck
would like to extend best wishes
to Fern.

FERN
(swooning)
Did you hear that? Captain Mike
addressed me directly? He
acknowledged me! Take that,
Bacchus, you brute!

Fern SCREAMS/LAUGHS (tickles).

JULES
Oh be a man!

FERN
You’re one to talk!

JULES
At least I scream like one.

Fern SQUIRMS hysterically.

FERN
Baily, you’re killing me!

(CONTINUED)
 7.
CONTINUED: (6)

CAPTAIN MIKE ADAMS (O.S.)

This is Virgin Atlantic Airways
and we are ready for takeoff.

Nicole picks up the intercom handset at the front of

Upper Class.

NICOLE
Ladies and gentlemen, please
fasten you safety belts securely
around you-

Jules models the demo seatbelt. He uses the tail to

casually swat his butt with a wink to a -

NICOLE (CONT'D)
By fitting the metal tab into the
buckle-

HANDSOME MALE PASSENGER, PAUL RUGGINS, 40’s, $4,000-suit,

lobbyist for the Conservative Right. Paul is mortified.
Fern WAILS WITH LAUGHTER (being tickled).

NICOLE (CONT'D)
And pulling on the loose end.

Jules buckles the seatbelt, “tightens” it,

grimaces/winks, hurts so good.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
(re: Jules)
You do not have to raise your seat
backs as your safety belt is
designed with an airbag.

Fern SQUEALS (tickled).

Paul mugs a phony smile to FORMER FEDERAL RESERVE *

CHAIRMAN, ALAN GREENSPAN, 70’s, who is watching with
hushed shock-

BAILY (O.S.)
Fern, hold still!

-NATALIE KRIZANOVA, 20’s, ravishing model, who is

changing into a sleep suit, right in front of Greenspan.
She wears lingerie. Very Vicky Secret. Fern SHRIEKS.

Nicole takes over “cycling” Fern’s legs. Fern WAILS WITH

LAUGHTER.

FERN
This is highly unnecess- (screams)

(CONTINUED)
 8.
CONTINUED: (7)

Jules hurries over to assist Greenspan.

JULES
Would you prefer to use the
lavatory to change into your sleep
suit, Ms. Krizanova?

Nonchalant, ass in Greenspan’s face:

KRIZANOVA
No. This is fine.

The damage is done, she’s in her sleep suit.

CUT TO:

MICHAEL SHAMBERG, 40’s, lobbyist, left, notices Paul

Ruggins, gets up, purposely steps on Ruggin’s foot on the
way to the lavatory.

PASSENGER RUGGINS
Ow! Blind?

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
Not so blind as to miss the pork
you built into Senator Frisks’
education bill.

Low blow, Ruggins glowers. Bad water.

EXT. SKY - GORGEOUS SUNSET

Beauty shot, the Virgin jet ROARS into the sky. (This
shot is reoccurring.)

JULES (O.S.)
Up, up and away, in my
beautiful...

INT. VIRGIN UPPER CLASS - CRUISING ALTITUDE

Jules mans the bar. He notices Mr. Hung gorging himself

on a desert.

JULES
...balloon.

To Nicole who is tending with him:

JULES (CONT'D)
(re: Passenger
Ruggins)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
 9.
CONTINUED:
JULES (CONT'D)
Shaken.
(re: Fern)
Not stirred.

Passenger Ruggins sits erectly at the bar, very serious.

Fern, with Baily’s assistance, puts down his own, custom

doyley to sit upon. Baily continues to cycle Fern’s
legs.

FERN
Baily, darling, really, there is
no neeeeeeeeeeeeed!

NICOLE
Good evening, gentlemen. Fern,
how is the glamorous world of high
fashion?

Jules sets a Bloody Mary, two stalks of celery, in front

of Fern, his usual.

FERN
Ultimately dreary. Routine,
wintry, comfortless.
(SQUEAK/tickles)
Everything’s been done. I’ve lost
my inspiration.

NICOLE
Welcome to the bar, what can I get
for you, Mr. Ruggins?

Mr. Hung takes a seat. Jules automatically makes him a

martini, dry, eats the olive.

MR. HUNG
(already in his hand)
Martini; dry, please.
(to Nicole, for show)
Watching my weight.

Nicole smiles graciously, baloney. Mr. Hung pretends to

be on his cell.

MR. HUNG (CONT'D)

(Korean, subtitled)
Yes, sell the donut account and
water the fish, blah, blah, blah.

POV: Mr. Hung, he is taking photographs of Nicole.

POV: Nicole through the phone-camera lens:

(CONTINUED)
 10.
CONTINUED: (2)

NICOLE
(Korean, subtitled)
My right side is my photographic
angle of preference.

Mr. Hung SNAPS the phone shut. Fern LAUGHS/tickled.

CAPTAIN MIKE (O.S.)

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve turned
off the fasten-seat belt sign.
Feel free to move about the cabin.
Do a little dance. Make a little
love. We have a special guest on
board, Chairman of the United
States Federal Reserve, Mr. Alan
Greenspan.

WEAK APPLAUSE. Greenspan smiles professionally. Ruggins

and Shamberg APPLAUD too much, brown nosing.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
(out of earshot of
Greenspan)
You mean chairman of the hot-air
balloon.
(to Jules)
Scotch.

Jules grabs a premium scotch. Pours a shot.

PASSENGER RUGGINS
You preferred a bubble economy?

Nicole takes over cycling Fern’s legs, Baily wrings out

her hands.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
I’d prefer you took a boat.

JULES
Touche’.

PASSENGER RUGGINS
I got on this flight for a reason,
Shamberg. And it wasn’t to see
the changing of the guard.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
So did I, Ruggins. If you think
you’re going to pass that pork-
express, by kissing Greenspan’s
(Fern SHRIEKS), you’re wrong.

Jules throws a double into the glass in response.

(CONTINUED)
 11.
CONTINUED: (3)

JULES
Somebody got up on the wrong side
of the isle.

Krizanova walks up.

BAILY
Hello, Ms. Krizanova. Would you
like a complimentary hand massage?

PASSENGER KRIZANOVA
Yes.

Greenspan approaches the bar, finds a seat.

PASSENGER KRIZANOVA (CONT'D)

(to Greenspan)
How do you say...

Krizanova sits next to him, smiles warmly. The men try

not to stare.

PASSENGER KRIZANOVA (CONT'D)

How do you say this part?

She points to her neck.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
That’s what the Right puts the
noose around, darling.

Ruggins SCOFFS. Jules takes note-- an opportunity to

make trouble? He tops off both lobbyist’s drinks.

BAILY
Neck.

PASSENGER KRIZANOVA
Yes, “neek”.

Baily massages her neck. Krizanova relaxes. It’s sexy.

Fern SHRIEKS. Startled, Mr. Hung sloshes his drink.

MR. HUNG
Maybe we should let the clots do
their job.

DJ DJ stands behind Shamberg.

DJ DJ
Subsidize my corn farm, sell out
to the corporation... What rhymes
with “corporation”?

(CONTINUED)
 12.
CONTINUED: (4)

JULES
“Dork nation”?

DJ DJ
Daaaaaaamn, Jules. You farm?
(re: Shamberg)
In my seat, ho.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
Beg your pardon.

Baily tags in, cycling Fern’s legs for Nicole.

FERN
I haven’t gotten this much running
in since the last Jimmy Choo sale.

DJ DJ
I fly high, in the sky, so the
white man don’t have to cry!

Beat. Shamberg’s reaction, What?

DJ DJ (CONT'D)
Yo, get out my seat bit(Fern
SHRIEKS)!

NICOLE
Passenger Michael Shamberg,
Frequent Flyer, DJ DJ.

DJ DJ
That’s right, yankee.

NICOLE
(martini to Mr. Hung)
DJ DJ raps for the oppressed, mid-
western, white agrarian. Mr.
Michael Shamberg, lobbyist, left.

Shamberg gets up with pleasure.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
Why didn’t you say so? You know I
lobbied for the arts-funding bill,
SB 75, but the dolt-mongers killed
it in a filibuster.

PASSENGER RUGGINS
It would have passed if it hadn’t
contained language to shut down
military bases. Hardly art.

(CONTINUED)
 13.
CONTINUED: (5)

Shamberg glares. Jules slides him another drink, fueling

the fire.

DJ DJ
Filibuster, crop duster, white man
forgotten! But we all be grievin’
when we ain’t got no cotton!

DJ DJ grabs a Virgin napkin and writes down the verse.

DJ DJ (CONT'D)
DJ DJ, you pearly genius.

Baily goes back to Krizanova’s neck. Nicole cycles Fern.

PASSENGER KRIZANOVA
Ohhhhhhhhhh, that feels good.

The men try not to stare. All the straight men, that is.
Fern winks at Jules, who casually scorns him.

JULES
Somebody needs an IFBT.

Fern WINCES at the dig.

PASSENGER KRIZANOVA
IFBT?

BAILY
In-flight beauty treatment.
They’re complimentary.

DJ DJ
You don’t need it, see, cause you
da sexual jackpot. You should
come to my castle, see my white
tiger, “Yo-Sup”.

NICOLE
Isn’t that Mandarin?

DJ DJ
What? No, he ain’t no citrus.

NICOLE
It means, “Play a harp before a
cow.”

DJ DJ
He a big cat. A tiger. Like DJ
DJ. Like, “Yo! Sup?” See?

(CONTINUED)
 14.
CONTINUED: (6)

CAPTAIN MIKE (O.S.)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
Captain, I’ll be dimming the cabin
lighting, but remember, if you
would like more light, your
personal suite allows you to
control just about every aspect of
your life imaginable, except money
and love. Those we leave up to
you.

DJ DJ elbows Greenspan.

DJ DJ
Yo, got any big cats?

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
No. I do not. I have a small
cat. Her name is Surplus.

DJ DJ
Yo, man, gotta get one. What you
do?

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
I chair the Federal Reserve.

DJ DJ
That sounds really boring, yo.
It’s cool, if that’s the kind of
thing you’re into. You know,
boring crap.

Greenspan smiles politely. He’s now seen it all.

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
And what exactly do you do?

DJ DJ
I spit fo da white man, the man
what grows your food, the man dat
feeds 133 people a day, plus you.

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
You serenade farmers?

MR. HUNG
I can get you a deal on water
melons out of the Sahara.

(CONTINUED)
 15.
CONTINUED: (7)

DJ DJ
Yo man, see, the government, the
man, control the prices of farm
stuff, chickens, cows, all that,
with tax money. They buy farm
stuff, pigs, wheat, when da price
go up, they sell. Keep da white
man oppressed. Then they
subsidize da farmer, make him a
welfare slave to boot. It a plot
to control the food like dey
control da oil.

Greenspan takes interest.

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
What would you do differently?

JULES
Subsidize asylums.

DJ DJ
Yo, let the man in the dirt make
his coin, then he won’t need no
government welfare to make corn.
See? Get out the government,
guess what happen? Stuff works.

PASSENGER RUGGINS
Less government. Here, here.
Chairman Greenspan, I’d like your
support on SB 39-

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
It’s not that easy. One needs
government, young man. Chairman
Greenspan, with all due respect,
SB 39-

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
The “young man” has a point.

Shamberg stifles, in the presence of a Beltway God.

CUT TO:

Tiny AIR BUMP. Arbuckle, reclining, SCREAMS. OFF CAMERA

Jules SCREAMS back mocking.

Nicole rushes over.

(CONTINUED)
 16.
CONTINUED: (8)

NICOLE
Everything is fine, Mr. Arbuckle.
Would you like to get started on
some fresh caviar? Or you could
order something from the freedom
menu.

She mops his brow lovingly.

ARBUCKLE
(breathless)
Yes, darling Nicole, my angel.
Thank you. Caviar and a bottle of
my favorite.

NICOLE
Jacquart Brut Mosaique, on the
way.

TINY AIR BUMP. Arbuckle and Jules (OC) SCREAM.

ARBUCKLE
(breathless)
Could you turn down my bed?

She hits a button, the chair converts to the lie-flat

position.

She puts a blanket over him. Arbuckle relaxes. Nicole

massages his scalp.

ARBUCKLE (CONT'D)
Oh, that’s so much better. You’re
so kind, Nicole.

CUT TO:

DJ DJ
Yo, why Arbuckle gets all the love
from Nicole?

BAILY
Because he’s not a threat.

DJ DJ
Huh?

JULES
What she means is, Arbuckle
couldn’t get it up if we did a
barrel roll.

Ruggins and Shamberg are drunker. Baily brings by a duty-

free cart.
(CONTINUED)
 17.
CONTINUED: (9)

BAILY
Duty free?

MR. HUNG
Will you trade for iguanas? I’ve
got a lot of iguanas to move.

DJ DJ
You killed an artist named Bill?

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
Heavens no. I support the arts!

PASSENGER RUGGINS
When it gets him votes.

Miles walks coyly to the bar, following Nicole.

MILES
I’ll have a scotch.

Miles tries to hide his “Child Identification” necklace

under his long hair.

NICOLE
Certainly, Mr. Weatherby.

Nicole pours Miles a whiskey glass full of milk. Miles

slumps. He’s got puppy love for Nicole, who mothers him.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
Did you do your homework?

MILES
Yes.

Tiny AIR BUMP. OFF CAMERA: Arbuckle SHRIEKS. Jules

returns the SHRIEK.

Fern FALLS OUT OF HIS CHAIR.

NICOLE
Fern!

She and Jules help Fern back up.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
Did you have a blood clot?

FERN
No I most certainly did not!

(CONTINUED)
 18.
CONTINUED: (10)

ANGLE ON: his ankle bracelet is caught on his opposing

foot, tying him to the leg of the stool. Nicole looses
him and helps him regain his seat.

FERN (CONT'D)
(re: ankle bracelet)
It was a gift from a crestfallen
love. I broke his heart.

NICOLE
Was his name “Diabetic”?

Fern snatches it away.

FERN
Making fun of a man with fatal
blood clots. Shame on you,
Nicole.

BUMP, Arbuckle SCREAMS O.C.

CUT TO:

Nicole rushes to Arbuckle. He’s distraught.

NICOLE
Everything is all right, Mr.
Arbuckle. Just a teensy-tiny bit
of turbulence. More caviar?

ARBUCKLE
No, darling, take it away. I
couldn’t possibly eat now. I’m
too shaken.

Nicole takes the caviar away.

NICOLE
Would you like me to take the
champagne away, too?

Snatching the glass back selfishly:

ARBUCKLE
Let’s not lose our heads, Nicole.

CUT TO:

Back at the bar, Jules is playing Ruggins off Shamberg.

Baily is cycling Fern’s legs.

JULES
So what you’re saying is, he
(points to Ruggins)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
 19.
CONTINUED: (11)
JULES (CONT'D)
Hates art? I’m not sure if I can
continue seeing you.

Fern suddenly LAUGHS hysterically (tickling).

JULES (CONT'D)
It wasn’t that funny. Okay, maybe
it was. I’ve always had the
knack.

Ruggins slips off his jacket, loosens his tie. He’s got
a great physique showing through his pressed shirt.

JULES (CONT'D)
I was hasty.

To Greenspan:

PASSENGER RUGGINS
That’s preposterous! He’s trying
to slide language through on a so-
called art bill that will
jeopardized national security.

Jules replaces both their drinks with fresh ones.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
What you call national security is
bankrupting this great nation.

To Greenspan:

PASSENGER SHAMBERG (CONT'D)

Maybe if the world had a better
understanding of art, we wouldn’t
need a military.

Jules GASPS theatrically.

NICOLE
In a recent medical study it was
shown that children exposed to art
before the age of 2 are 40% more
successful at non-violent conflict
resolution.

FERN
(voice “cycling”)
Not so fast, Baily, you’re
spilling my Bloody Mary!

DJ DJ
Thought you said you couldn’t
drink on that pain killer.

(CONTINUED)
 20.
CONTINUED: (12)

FERN
I never said any such thing. How
foolish, JD JD.

DJ DJ
Oh no you di’int! Yo, DJ DJ,
yankee!

BAILY (O.S.)
Where did you hear that, Nicole?

NICOLE
Harvard Medical Review.

Checking glasses for spots:

JULES
Literary adrenaline junkie.

Finger wagging incidentally at young Miles.

NICOLE
Actually, you’re not supposed to
drink alcohol with any medication.

FERN
Oh what, now you’re a doctor,
Nicole?

NICOLE
Actually...yes.

Surprised looks all around.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
(apologetically)
I don’t practice.

Downing his entire drink:

PASSENGER RUGGINS
I’m glad you brought the point of
bankruptcy up, Sham-berg. Your
people spent thirty billion
dollars on junk last year.

Downing his drink. It’s replaced immediately by Jules,

who now has a line-up of drinks standing by.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
“Your people”? “Your people”?

Jules GASPS. Nicole takes over for Baily on Fern.

(CONTINUED)
 21.
CONTINUED: (13)

DJ DJ
It all racism. See, the Jew is
using the black man to control
whitey.

JULES
I weep for the future.

MILES
(importantly)
Can I get another?

Baily pours another glass of milk.

BAILY
Would you like a straw?

MILES
No.

Mild air BUMP. The lack of a scream causes everybody to

turn to look at Arbuckle. He’s in his sleep suit sound
asleep (drunk) SNORING. He’s wearing a mud mask.

Jules SCREAMS; this time for real.

PASSENGER RUGGINS
Don’t pull that worn-out racism
card on me, Shamberg. You know
what I’m talking about.

Krizanova is suddenly slipping back out of her sleep

suit, again right in front of Greenspan.

PASSENGER KRIZANOVA
Something tickles me.

FERN
Me, too! Nicole, you lunatic,
slow down!

NICOLE
I’m trying to work the alcohol out
of your system.

FERN
That’s what the Bloody Mary’s for!

Krizanova reaches down the backside of her suit, pulls

out a swizzle stick.

(CONTINUED)
 22.
CONTINUED: (14)

MR. HUNG
(pickup line)
So, Ms. Krizanova, I notice you’re
very relaxed about nudity. You
know in my country we’re also very
open about our bodies.

FERN
Egad.

Baily glances at Mr. Hung, sizes him up, eek.

DJ DJ
Yo, you always gettin’ nekid
fronta folks on airplanes?

PASSENGER KRIZANOVA
Your American thoughts on
sexuality are so conservative as
your policies economic, I think
so. I have not problems with my
nudity or my monies.

DJ DJ
Yo, she sayin’ she has sex for
money? Cause I happen to be
carryin’ a lotta cash.

JULES
Never heard back on that Mensa
query letter, did you?

PASSENGER RUGGINS
I’d say our economic policy under
Chairman Greenspan has been quite
invigorating. Which is why I’d
like your support on-

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
I’d disagree.

PASSENGER RUGGINS
You would?

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
I’d say by comparison to the open
attitude toward the human body
prevailing in this aircraft that
Ms. Krizanova’s assessment of my
policies is right on the money.

Ruggins downs another drink.

(CONTINUED)
 23.
CONTINUED: (15)

PASSENGER GREENSPAN (CONT'D)

I can’t support your bill.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
Ha!

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
Or you, Shamberg.

Shamberg grimaces.

PASSENGER RUGGINS
(out of earshot of
Greenspan)
Shamberg, you can count on an
oversight investigation into that
“donation” you got last week.

Wiping drink off his fancy suit.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
Oh yeah?

PASSENGER RUGGINS
Yeah!

FERN
Your pulling my garters off!

Jules is pouring double time as they drink.

FERN (CONT'D)
You’ll tear the silk!

Baily takes over for Nicole.

PASSENGER SHAMBERG
Oh yeah?! You right-winger, gun-
nut, war-monger?!

Nicole walks past, carrying pillows.

PASSENGER RUGGINS
Yeah! Spineless, surrender-happy,
big-government, big-brother bubble-
budget phony!

CUT TO:

WHOP! Shamberg wallops Ruggins with a pillow he’s

snatched off the pile of pillows Nicole is carrying.

JULES
Oh my stars! A row!
(CONTINUED)
 24.
CONTINUED: (16)

Ruggins reels, recovers, snatches a pillow of his own.

WHOP! Ruggins clocks Greenspan when he swings at

Shamberg and Shamberg ducks.

NICOLE
Oh no! Chairman Greenspan, are
you a-

Her question is answered when he keels over (not all

right).

Nicole grabs a pillow and squares off with Ruggins.

NICOLE (CONT'D)
That man is responsible for
lowering the federal interest rate
to a 40-year record low and
creating affordable housing for
over 31 million first-time home
buyers!

WHOP! Nicole rocks Ruggins.

Jules grabs a pillow and WHOPS DJ DJ at random.

DJ DJ
Motherfu-

DJ DJ grabs two pillows, one in each hand and starts

swinging at Jules-- SWOOP, SWOOP, SWOOP!

Jules ducks a blow. Leaps, does the splits, the pillow

just passes beneath him.

Jules does backhand-springs down the aisle as DJ DJ

pursues, swinging wildly.

BAILY (O.S.)
Jules!

CUT TO:

Baily banks a pillow off the luggage rack and into Jules’
outstretched hand.

He blocks DJ DJ’s shots with his pillow. High shot-

blocked. Low shot- blocked.

JULES
(pointing into space)
Look! Oppressed hog farmers!

(CONTINUED)
 25.
CONTINUED: (17)

Beat. DJ DJ tries not to look- he looks. WHOP! Jules

drills him.

Everybody (except Fern) grabs a pillow from the dropped

pile. The brawl is on.

Miles grabs a pillow, Nicole stares him down.

NICOLE
Miles Weatherby, you take your
seat this instant, young man!
It’s bad enough that grown adults
are behaving this way.

Miles begrudgingly complies.

FERN
(”cycling”
frantically)
Fight! Fight!
(revelation)
That’s it! Violent Pillows! My
new line!

WHOP! Mr. Hung gets a cheap shot from Miles, causing him
to spill his martini.

NICOLE
Miles Weatherby, don’t make me
stop this aircraft, young man.

Miles cowers.

JULES
Baily, watch out!

WHOP-WHOP! DJ DJ gives Baily a double, but she blocks

both pillows with kicks as

CAPTAIN MIKE (O.S.)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
Captain speaking from the flight
deck. We’re beginning our final
approach into London.

WHOP! Nicole drops Mr. Hung from behind.

CAPTAIN MIKE (O.S.) (CONT'D)

If you look out the right side of
the aircraft, you’ll get a
beautiful look at London.

Ruggins and Shamberg both swing at Nicole as,

(CONTINUED)
 26.
CONTINUED: (18)

WHOP!

WHOP!

Feathers fill the air. Somebody blew a pillow.

CAPTAIN MIKE (O.S.) (CONT'D)

If you look closely I think you
can see the Queen waving.

The feathers clear, we see Shamberg and Ruggins out cold

on the floor. Towering above them is Greenspan.

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
(to flight crew)
You people are good with a pillow.

JULES
We handle a lot of pillows. We
get a lot of practice.

PASSENGER GREENSPAN
(re: Shamberg and
Ruggins)
Never liked their economic
policies.

Nicole and Baily face the passengers.

BAILY
Drop your pillows.

One by one, the passengers drop their pillows.

NICOLE
And the backup, DJ DJ.

DJ DJ pulls up his pant leg and takes out a pillow that

he’s somehow hidden in an ankle-holster position.

CAPTAIN MIKE (O.S.)

We’d like to thank you for flying
with us tonight on Virgin.

FERN
(still cycling)
Oh that golden voice.

The tiniest AIR BUMP. Arbuckle is instantly awake,

SCREAMS.

Jules SCREAMS back, mocking, cycling Fern’s legs for him.

(CONTINUED)
 27.
CONTINUED: (19)

FERN (CONT'D)
You look lovely at that angle,
Jules.

BONK! Jules cycles one knee so high it strikes the bar.

FERN (CONT'D)
Oh my god! You clod! You’ve
shattered my patella! Medic!

CUT TO:

Nicole rushes to Arbuckle’s side.

ARBUCKLE
(breathless)
Nicole, my angel of mercy. I had
the worst nightmare.

NICOLE
I know. Champagne?

ARBUCKLE
Ambrosia on winged crystal.
Darling, Nicole. You’re a
lifesaver.

CAPTAIN MIKE (O.S.)

I’d like to say once again,
Chairman Greenspan, it’s been an
honor having you on board. I hope
everyone had a relaxing flight.
We’ll be on the ground shortly.

EXT. SKY - SUNSET/SUNRISE

The Virgin jet ROARS dramatically past (beauty shot,

reoccurring).

CREDITS.

END.