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Lauria Moria

By Katherine Pollock

First Draft

June 2012

Katherine Pollock, June 2012

[email protected]

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1. Ext. Werribee Early Morning

We are above suburban Werribee.

LAURIA (V/O)
biglilkim_1990, permit me to drop
some knowledge: boys never see
the niceness in things they dont
want 2 bang or jerk off 2 (possible
exceptions include food, sports +
babies). i can say this w/
authority b/c 1 time i fell in love
w/ this video of a girl taking a
shower

SUPER: a flashing cursor, these words appear as they are

typed: i can say this w/ authority b/c 1 time i fell in
love w/ this video of a girl taking a shower

NOTE: superimposed text appears in hot pink Arial.

We descend into a grassless Cul de Sac. A street sign

reads: LINDON CDS.

2. INT. LAURIA'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

LAURIA MORIA is supine on her bed: she is 23, Indian. An

open laptop rests on her naked torso. She is asleep, but
her relationship advice blog, FUCKLYF, is still
displayed on the screen.

LAURIA (V/O)
i thought it was sad and cute and
weird and i liked it a lot (i can't
think critically about y but
w/ever).

A muffled alarm sounds. Lauria stirs and feels around

the doona for her mobile phone.

LAURIA (V/O, CONT'D)

anyway, i showed it 2 my housemate
and he couldnt even pay attention 4
the 2 min 34 sec duration of the
clip b/c he says he doesnt like
asian chicks and even putting 1 in

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the shower isnt enough 2 make him

care.

Lauria silences the alarm. As she rolls out of bed, the

glowing text magically scrolling across the ass of her
booty shorts is revealed: YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A BITCH.

3. INT. LAURAIA'S BATHROOM - EARLY MORNING

The shower is running but Lauria is sitting on the floor

looking at her phone.

LAURIA (V/O)
r3gr3tfu1, i feel u w/r/t ur bf
predicament. people say my 1st boy
was a massive dick, but the truth
is they are right. i appreciate
that ur in a complicated situation,
but u gotta recognise it is also
totally common: statistically
speaking, the 1st cut is not always
the deepest (that is related 2
force, angle + the type of blade),
but a lot of gurls are still hung
up on their 1st time.

4. INT. LAURIAS BEDROOM - MORNING

Lauria is tying her hair up. Scrolling across the ass of

her booty shorts: SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE. Her hair
is super thick, it's dripping. The hair tie breaks.

LAURIA (V/O)
speaking 4 myself: i look back on
my 1st time with mingled emotions
of disgust and pity. he was sweet
tho: he talked 2 me about space
when i couldnt get 2 sleep after
b/c the universe is fucking boring
and he knows that type of talk
knocks me out.

From the bathroom, Lauria's housemate, CHRIS BRAYNE, 22,

calls out.
CHRIS (O/S)
Lauria?

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LAURIA
Yup?

CHRIS (O/S)
There's a mouldy towel in here.
Looks like your handiwork.

LAURIA
So?

CHRIS (O/S)
Want me to do anything about it, or
should it be allowed to fester?

LAURIA
How mouldy is it?

Chris wanders down the hall and leans on her bedroom

door.

CHRIS
Aw, fairly mouldy.

Lauria laughs.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
You use that towel after a shower.
When you're supposed to be clean.

Scrolling across the ass of her booty shorts: WHAT WOULD

A KHALESSI DO?

LAURIA
I haven't.

CHRIS
You haven't showered?

LAURIA
I--

CHRIS
I fucking knew it.

Lauria laughs. She sprays air freshener on the shirt

she's wearing then grits her teeth.

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CHRIS (CONT'D)
What?

LAURIA
I just got Glen 20 in my nipple
piercing.

CHRIS
Your life is appalling.

Both laugh.

Chris retreats back to the bathroom.

SUPER: a flashing cursor, these words appear as they are

typed: b/c the universe is fucking boring.

LAURIA (CONT'D)
Fuck, that hurts.

5. INT. SHITTY SEDAN - MORNING

Chris is driving along Werribee's back roads. Lauria is

in the passenger seat. Chris wears his uniform: CLUCKIN'
BELL hat, CHRISTOPHER name tag and Lieutenant-Colonel
Sanders button-down.

LAURIA
Did you do something different to
your hair?

CHRIS
I put a hat on.

LAURIA
Oh, yeah.

Chris has LUCKY ME tattooed on his neck.

A beat.

CHRIS
How do you not stink?

LAURIA
What?

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CHRIS
If you don't shower, how come you
don't stink?

LAURIA
You think I smell good?

They look at each other.

A beat.

The hood crumples and the windscreen fractures as a man

and his dog violently collide with the car.

LAURIA (V/O)
when i go online 2 look up tips for
seducing my housemate i laugh my
ass off b/c they are all super lame

SUPER: a flashing cursor, these words appear as they are

typed: super lame.

6. EXT. WERRIBEE BACK-ROAD - CONTINUOUS

The man is flipping through the air.

LAURIA (V/O)
like about how i should wear scanty
clothing and bend over a lot and
use coconut scented body wash, all
of which is terrible advice

Through the cracked windscreen, we see the airbags

deploy.

LAURIA (V/O, CONT'D)

but then i think of my booty shorts
and watermelon lip balm and i want
2 kill myself b/c i am so fucking
useless

The car comes to a standstill.

7. INT. SHITTY SEDAN - CONTINUOUS

Chris and Lauria sit very still.

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CHRIS
Oh, fuck.

Lauria puts her hands on her face.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
Oh, fuck. What do we do?

Lauria shakes her head.

A beat.

She fumbles for the door handle and gets out of the car.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
What Disney movie is this?

8. EXT. WERRIBEE BACK-ROAD - CONTINUOUS

The man is face down on the road: bits of glass in his

ears and blood seeping through his t-shirt. The spaniel
is cut in half.

Lauria kneels beside the man's body and rolls him over.
His face is a mess. She starts to perform CPR. Chris
gets out of the car.

Scrolling across the ass of Lauria's booty shorts: CALL

GIRLS: FUCK YOU, PAY ME.

CHRIS
Is he okay?

Lauria sits up and spits out several of the man's teeth.

She looks sad.

LAURIA
Call an ambulance.

CHRIS
My phone's dead.

He holds it in his fist.

A beat.
LAURIA
At least it's not alone.

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Lauria laughs hysterically and runs her hand through the

man's hair lovingly.

CHRIS
Sorry.

Lauria starts crying.

SUPER: a flashing cursor, these words appear as they are

typed: but then i think of my booty shorts and
watermelon lip balm and i want 2 kill myself b/c i am so
fucking useless.

CHRIS
I'm really sorry.

The man's right eye is open, his left is closed.

Chris squats down, puts his phone on the bitumen, and

feels the man's wrist for a pulse.

CHRIS
Well, he's alive.

Lauria gazes at the man with adoration. Scrolling across

her booty shorts: CHICKA CHICKA SLIM SHADY.

A narrow rivulet of blood leaks from the man's trouser

leg and makes for the gutter.

9. INT. SHITTY SEDAN - A SHORT TIME LATER

Chris is speeding, leaning to the right to see the road

through the ruined windscreen. He still has his CLUCKIN'
BELL hat on.

Lauria is in the back seat, straddling the man and

performing CPR. Scrolling across her booty shorts: U
MAKE ME FEEL SO BRAND NEW.

LAURIA (V/O)
i have this thing where i get
obsessed w/ guys who don't like me
at all and treat me like shit. then
if these guys start being nice or
attentive i'll be like thoroughly

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repulsed and creeped out-- i'll

think, like, can u believe this
guy? he must be a fucking
psychopath 2 like me.

She sits up and wipes blood from her mouth. She's out of
breath.

LAURIA
Chris?

Chris corners at speed and Lauria grabs the passenger

seat headrest for support. The text scrolling across her
ass reads: I WANT TO GO THROUGH HELL FOR YOU.

LAURIA (CONT'D)
Chris?

CHRIS
What?

LAURIA
He's dead.

SUPER: a flashing cursor, these words appear as they are

typed: he must be a fucking psychopath 2 like me.

Katherine Pollock 357427