What Is Gaslighting?

By 
Sherri Gordon 
Updated on November 02, 2021

What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships. It is an insidious and
sometimes covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser makes the target question
their judgments and reality.1 Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to wonder if they are
losing their sanity.
Gaslighting primarily occurs in romantic relationships, but it's not uncommon for it to occur in
controlling friendships or among family members as well. Toxic people use this type of
emotional abuse to exert power over others in order to manipulate friends, family members, and
sometimes even co-workers.2
How Gaslighting Works
Gaslighting is a technique that undermines a person's perception of reality. When someone is
gaslighting you, you may second-guess yourself, your memories, and your perceptions. After
communicating with the person gaslighting you, you may be left feeling dazed and wondering if
there is something wrong with you.1 

Gaslighting can confuse you and cause you to question your judgment and overall mental health.
It may help to know more about the tactics a person who is gaslighting someone might use.

Lying to You
People who engage in gaslighting are habitual and pathological liars. They will blatantly lie and
never back down or change their stories, even when you call them out or provide proof of their
deception. They may say something like: "You're making things up. That never happened."
Lying is the cornerstone of a gaslighter's destructive behavior. Even when you know they are
lying, they can be very convincing. In the end, you start to second-guess yourself.
Discrediting You
When you ask a gaslighter a question or call them out for something they did or said, they may
change the subject by asking a question instead of responding to the issue at hand. This not only
throws off your train of thought but causes you to question the need to press a matter when they
don't feel the need to respond.

Minimizing Your Thoughts and Feelings

Trivializing your emotions allows the gaslighter to gain power over you. They might make
statements like: "Calm down," "You're overreacting," or "Why are you so sensitive?" All of
these statements minimize how you're feeling or what you're thinking and communicate that
you're wrong.
When you deal with someone who never acknowledges your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, you may begin
to question them yourself. What's more, you may never feel validated or understood, which can be
extremely difficult to cope with.

Shifting Blame
Blame-shifting is another common gaslighting tactic. Every discussion you have is somehow
twisted to where you are to blame for something that occurred.

Even when you try to discuss how the abuser's behavior makes you feel, they're able to twist the
conversation so that you end up believing that you are the cause of their bad behavior. They
claim that if only you behaved differently, they would not treat you the way that they do.

Denying Wrongdoing
Bullies and abusers are notorious for denying that they did anything wrong. They do this to avoid
taking responsibility for their poor choices.

This denial can leave the victim of gaslighting feeling unseen, unheard, and as though the impact
on them is of no importance. This tactic also makes it very hard for the victim to move on or to
heal from the bullying or abusiveness.

Using Compassionate Words as Weapons

Sometimes when called out or questioned, a gaslighter will use kind and loving words to try to
smooth over the situation. They might say something like, "You know how much I love you. I
would never hurt you on purpose."

These words may be what you want to hear, but they are inauthentic, especially if the same
behavior is repeated. That said, they may be just enough to convince you to let them off the
hook, which is their only goal.

Rewriting History
A gaslighter may constantly retell stories in ways that are in their favor. For instance, if your
partner shoved you against the wall and you are discussing it later, they may twist the story and
say you stumbled and they tried to steady you, which is what caused you to fall into the wall.

You may begin to doubt your memory of what happened. This confusion or second-guessing on
your part is exactly the intention.

Recap

Gaslighting can include a range of tactics including lying, distracting, minimizing, denying, and
blaming. When you are dealing with someone who uses gaslighting as a manipulation tool, pay
close attention to what they do, not the words they choose.
Signs of Gaslighting
Being subjected to gaslighting can cause anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns
including addiction and thoughts of suicide.3 For this reason, it's important to recognize when
you're experiencing gaslighting. Ask yourself if any of the following statements ring true:

 You doubt your feelings and reality: You try to convince yourself that the treatment you
receive is not that bad or that you are too sensitive.
 You question your judgment and perceptions: You are afraid of speaking up or expressing
your emotions. You have learned that sharing your opinion usually makes you feel worse in the
end, so you stay silent instead.
 You feel vulnerable and insecure: You often feel like you "walk on eggshells" around
your partner, friend, or family member. You also feel on edge and lack self-esteem.
 You feel alone and powerless: You are convinced that everyone around you thinks you are
"strange," "crazy," or "unstable," just like the gaslighter says you are. This makes you feel
trapped and isolated.
 You wonder if you are what they say you are: The gaslighter's words make you feel like you
are wrong, unintelligent, inadequate, or insane. Sometimes you even find yourself repeating these
statements to yourself.
 You are disappointed in yourself and who you have become: For instance, you feel like you
are weak and passive, and that you used to be stronger and more assertive.
 You feel confused: The gaslighter's behavior confuses you, almost as if they are Dr. Jekyll and
Mr. Hyde.
 You worry that you are too sensitive: The person minimizes hurtful behaviors or words by
saying “I was just joking" or "you need thicker skin."
 You have a sense of impending doom: You feel like something terrible is about to happen when
you are around this person. This may include feeling threatened and on edge without knowing
why.
 You spend a lot of time apologizing: You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do
or who you are.
 You feel inadequate: You feel like you are never "good enough." You try to live up to the
expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable.
 You second-guess yourself: You frequently wonder if you accurately remember the details of
past events. You may have even stopped trying to share what you remember for fear that it is
wrong.
 You assume others are disappointed in you: You apologize all the time for what you do or who
you are, assuming people are let down by you or that you have somehow made a mistake.
 You wonder what's wrong with you: You wonder if there’s something fundamentally wrong
with you. In other words, you worry that you are not well mentally.
 You struggle to make decisions because you distrust yourself: You would rather allow your
partner, friend, or family member to make decisions for you and avoid decision-making
altogether.

If you identify with any of these signs of gaslighting, it's important that you seek professional
help right away. Left unaddressed, gaslighting can take a significant toll on your self-esteem and
overall mental health.

Your doctor can recommend a counselor  who is equipped to help you process and deal with
what is happening to you.
You can also contact the  National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for
confidential assistance from trained advocates.

Where Did 'Gaslighting' Get Its Name?

The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, known in America as "Angel
Street" and later developed into the film "Gas Light" by Alfred Hitchcock.4
In the suspense film, a manipulative husband tries to make his wife think she is losing her mind
by making subtle changes in her environment, including slowly and steadily dimming the flame
on a gas lamp. Not only does he disrupt her environment and make her believe she is insane, but
he also abuses and controls her, cutting her off from family and friends.4

Consequently, the wife is constantly second-guessing herself, her feelings, her perceptions, and
her memories. Additionally, she feels neurotic, hypersensitive, and out-of-control, which is the
goal of gaslighting—to leave the target feeling off-kilter and unsure of what is true and what
isn’t.

Because this film was an accurate portrayal of the controlling and toxic actions that manipulative
people use, psychologists and counselors began to label this type of emotionally abusive
behavior "gaslighting."

What to Do If Someone Is Gaslighting

You
If you are experiencing gaslighting in a relationship, there are some steps you can take to protect
yourself. Things you might do include:

 Gain some distance: It can be helpful to take a step back from the intense emotions that
gaslighting can evoke. Physically leaving the situation can help, but you might also try using
some relaxation techniques such ad deep breathing or grounding exercises. 
 Save the evidence: Because gaslighting can make you question yourself, work on preserving
evidence of your experiences. Keep a journal, save text conversations, or keep emails so that you
can look back on them later and remind yourself that you shouldn't doubt or question yourself.
 Set boundaries: Boundaries tell others what you are willing to accept in a relationship. Make it
clear that you won't allow the other person to engage in actions such as trivializing or denying
what you have to say.
 Get an outside perspective: Talk to a friend or family member about what you are going
through. Having another person's perspective can help make the situation clearer.
 End the relationship: While it can be difficult, ending the relationship with someone who
repeatedly gaslights you is often the most effective way to end the abuse.

If you suspect that you are experiencing gaslighting, you may also find it helpful to talk to a
mental health professional. They can help you learn more about the situation, gain perspective,
and develop new coping strategies that can help you deal with the behavior.
A Word From Verywell
Remember that you are not to blame for what you are experiencing. The person gaslighting you
is making a choice to behave this way. They are responsible for their actions. Nothing you did
caused them to make this choice, and you won't be able to change what they're doing.

But with counseling, you can learn how to make healthy choices and set boundaries with the
person who engages in gaslighting. Or, you can reach a place where you feel ready to move on
from the relationship.
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