Acting Like a Manager The chapter starts with the emphasis on a manager actually should pose like one.

. If one chooses to do nothing then ultimately he will get fired, whereas smart managers Do irrational and unproductive things and gets rewarded for being a can-do manager who makes things happen. The Management time fillers e.g. Random organizational changes may make you look like a capable executive. A manager should carefully listen to speech patterns of other managers and try to do the same. Adding new managerial term to your vocabulary will be helpful. The next idea is to have a Management Zombie Stare and have a serious expression. A good manager has to dress properly for managing the impression he gives to employees and wants to get respect. As a manager, develop that charisma that will carry you through any social situation. If on a meeting, talk without hesitation and take your time and share whatever you think to be appropriate. You should know the only basics of Technology in order to carry out your tasks. Management staff that deals with technical aspects can take care of the rest. Managing your calendar is now the task of your secretary. She / he may take a revenge on you by booking you on many time taking appointments if you were a tyrant, but, be patient and handle the appointments as you want to, nobody can interfere here. Its alright now to be late for meetings, afterall you are, manager now and you dont owe coming on time to your underlings. Executive retreats should be taken advantage. It refers to being away from the office and thinking of foreseeing employees in the name of vision and guiding principles. Take advantage of your employees work and your power to handle them by making your own timelines and disappearing the data that they give to you. Try avoid decision making as they can get you in trouble. Use ways like Act Confused to avoid making decisions and you can use the margin scrawl technique i.e. write illegible questions on margins, if any employee comes to you with a document. Trust is an important asset for a leader to have but you can use a technique lying instead. If you get caught and loose trust of employees, simply use fear and intimidation to get the same results.
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 Try to be a leader instead of being a manager, it is easy and more beneficial. Leadership concept involves getting people to do things they do not want to do. Trick is, to convince employees that they will feel good if they do these things. You can use ego-stroking messages to inspire employees to work harder without extra money. Whenever choosing/identifying a potential a potential manager, identify those who are less qualified than you are or they will make you and your job look dull. Go for the people who admire you and mirror your mannerisms and appearance. Motivating Employees Keeping employees satisfied can be expensive and sometimes even unhygienic in order to maintain productivity. The only one germ-free and economical alternative is to do an employee satisfaction survey and ignore the results. A good employee satisfaction survey should divert employees attention away from things that bug them and towards areas that look like their own fault. The goal of employee motivation is to make employees focus on long term goals instead of short term and personal goals. According to employee hierarchy of needs, the employees need plenty of stuff on the lower levels and the last stage is the desire for more money. Management should avoid letting employees develop a need for more money. Form a task force of employees to recommend new ways to motivate employees. No group will give honest recommendations rather it will give those which are politically acceptable for an employee motivation campaign. One of the easiest programs is the Shallow Compliment Program in which the manager walks around and praises and appreciates employees, thus, blocking their ability to perceive pain. Shallow compliments can be given at anytime. Moreover, by pretending to care, the manager can make employee do extra work for no pay. Manager can show care by briskly asking personal questions. This generates a sense of perceived caring in the employees. Awarding hardworking employee with a gift on his performance will motivate him and in turn will make other employees jealous and workaholics. Always give an organizational identity related reward rather than actual value gift to employees. Employees forced interaction with bosses and a collection of co-workers will eventually teach them to accept collective defeat. This practice will cut down on daily idle chatter.

Employees need interesting work and management can do that by making their job harder. Employees can be asked for frequent presentations, status reports or nasty project as a challenge. A certificate of appreciation based on past achievements is motivational for employee to continue hard work with the hope of getting another one in future. False promotion promises are the tool to get motivational benefits without cost. A motivational incentive for doing a good job can be a promise of employee exposure to top management. Cash awards should be given to few superstars who outperform on their job activities. This will cause people to evaluate their daily actions and work above and beyond their job duty. Incentives should be used to avoid absence behaviours. Management should teach employees to accept sick employees at the work place. It should further ask employees to participate in creation of their own objectives which is a process called buy-in. This process involves the employee created fun and un-measurable objectives versus the managements specific and measurable objectives. Being a manager, ask your employees to write their own performance reviews for a bonus or pay raises instead of writing it yourself. The annual performance evaluation is most valuable motivation tool. The objective is to convince each employee that his performance is what actually matters. Employees are lazy and selfish until you apply modern management techniques. The three keys for obtaining higher productivity are slogans, threats and mandatory unpaid overtime. Management should show their commitment by going extra mile to make employees do extra work for free. Rather than referring it as unpaid overtime, state it as commitment to professionalism. Send the employees on mandatory team building assignments. This will lead them to know each other better and increase productivity. Employee motivation can be enhanced by offering to remove obstacles in the path of their success. Build an Employee Suggestion Plan to take in employees ideas and promise cash rewards for participation. Route all suggestions to the main person who can smartly reject the ideas by giving foolproof reasons. If one of the lazy employees asks the manager to set priorities then he can either set all priorities at top later blaming employee of not working on the top priority or can show visible anger. Micromanagement is an effective tool to show your employees part attitude and part action especially in written work and technical decisions. It is risk free as long as the manager knows how to put blame on the innocent. Sometimes, when the employees are
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getting lazy, creating a situation of a false sense of urgency will be effective. Ask for a pre-submission response to an assignment or exaggerate the competitors capabilities. Employees can be motivated by establishing a casual day on Fridays. At the same time it is common sense that the forbidden clothes can lead to bad decisions declining the shareholder value. Knowledge is power in case of competition. Management knowledge comes from two sources that are the unquestionable facts and logic. Logic can be applied to unquestionable facts. Internal competition is a way to compensate employees. Give same task to two employees so later they will compete to complete the task first to show efficient performance. Rumors can be excellent way to keep employees alert and conscious of their activities. A good way to generate a rumor is by denying it. Communicating Give verbal instructions, not written, whenever you think you might want to deny that you were involved in a decision. If an employee later tries to implicate you, just look at him as if he must be insane. If you continue this practice consistently, the employee will actually become insane. If employees are unmotivated, sometimes that can be a sign that they dont have a newsletter. A newsletter is an efficient method for management to get the message out about the priorities of the company. Employees often whine about a lack of communication from senior management. The newsletter is an effective way to fill the communications gap without imparting any information. Remember, nothing can be more demotivating than the truth, so try to fill their brains with other stuff. Employees need lots of communication to remain motivated. That can sometimes be at odds with your desire to keep them in the dark and continue shoveling work on them. If you already have a company newsletter, the best way to generate more communication without the risk of transferring information is the staff meeting. You can count on at least one member of your group to ask endless clarifying questions on each subject, thus demonstrating his incredible analytical prowess until every other member of the group begins to fantasize about strangling him with the code from the overhead projector. Give each employee an opportunity to drone endlessly about uninteresting job-related problems. The employee will instinctively use acronyms and

obscure references that prevent any information from being transferred to any member of the group. Dont encourage the employee to be relevant interesting or brief. Remember, the goal is communication, not a transfer of information. Invite your enemies from other departments to give presentation of things that are of no relevance to the group. This accomplishes to additional goals: 1. It makes you look like a team player. 2. It prevents your enemies from getting any work done, thus increasing their chances of failure.

You staff might try to trick you into talking about things that matter to them, such as salaries, staffing levels, and pending reorganizations. Deny having any information about these subjects. These topics are demotivating by their very nature and they should be avoided. As a manager, you will have the least amount of useful information of anyone in the organization. You can compensate for that by being the one who does all the presenting. The key to presenting information you dont understand is to try to limit the presentation to a few areas that are so boring and they wont have time to dwell on your lack of knowledge. As a manager it is sufficient to think what you want and wait for your employees to implement it. If you are sending the thought waves and the employees arent receiving them, the problem is on their end. Documents their communication failures so you can refer to them during the next performance review cycle .As a manager you will be getting paid much more than the people who report to you. Therefore, logically, it is safe to assume that what you do is much more difficult what they do. Success Strategies Its rare, but sometimes employees will accidently come up with a good idea. When that happen you must first reject the idea and then later claim it as your own. You can reject the idea using time-tested pieces of logic its too late. Everyone else is already doing it. Call the employee into your office and explain the idea in detail as though your previous conversation had never happened. Sometimes, despite your most diligent efforts to prevent it, your employees will create something successful without giving you an
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opportunity to hijack credit during the idea phase. If you are victimized by that scam, dont panic; you can still take credit by affixing your name to the finished product. Justify to your employees by reminding them that the other people in the company are too level conscious and you need to make sure their work gets the attention it deserves. Many people make the mistake of trying to get ahead by succeeding at difficult tasks. Your stature as a leader grows primarily through the process of getting lots of attention. Its hard to get attention by succeeding, because your boss will deftly hog the glory. But if you screw up a huge project, your boss will slither aside faster than an adder at the Ice Crapades. Your name will become forever linked with the epic failure you have created. Being linked with epic failures sounds badly, but its not. The next time senior management needs someone to manage a big project, theyll say who has experience? your name will be on the top of the list. Your employees will often whine about the need for training. Try to ignore them. Training can lead to no good. In short term it causes missed work. In the long term it causes employees to leave for jobs that pay a living wage. Nobody wins when that happens. Your first line of defense is logic. Sometimes logic wont be enough, especially if the dolts in the budgets department allocated money for employee training. The employees will point to the training budgets as justification for their futile requests. Empowerment is the process of shifting blame from you to the employees. The most efficient way to implement an empowerment program is to have meetings where you punish people for the decisions they made while at the same time encouraging people in the group to think for themselves. If youve been a manager for a while, and youve shown incredible favoritism to people who look and act like yourself, you can address that problem head-on by forcing the victims and the innocent bystanders in your department to attend diversity training classes. If youre imbecile, you might want to hire some management gurus to give you advice. If it sounds as though it would be hard to follow their recommendations, dont worry: you can pick the parts of their recommendations you like and still get many benefits. You can create the illusion of being decisive by reorganizing the department. To the ignorant observer, reorganizations look like progress. And since most- if not all- observers

are in fact quite ignorant, any organizational shuffle will make you look like a visionary. You can recognize every six months without anybody catching on to what youre doing. During your tenure as manager, many bizarre corporate initiatives will pop their heads out of holes like demented woodchucks, looking for any opportunity to run over and bite you on the foot. Find the most useless employee in your department and put that person in charge of whatever the new management initiative is. Give that person a title like Manager of Excellence in Customer Care. This way you appear to be complying with the corporate initiative but you lose very little in productivity, except for the endless burdens this person will place on the other poor employees who are trying to do real work. Sometimes you can disguise that fact by merging with a company that is even more clueless. Stock market analysts like it when two clueless, limping companies get together to leverage their synergies. Mergers take a long time, generate a lot of press, and involve lots of money. These are all good things for your career, especially the part about it taking a long time. With any luck, youll be prancing off to a new job long before another manager begins selling off whats left of the merged company at garage sales and flea markets. Compensation In this chapter compensation plans are discussed that what are their purpose and how they benefits the organization. The compensation plans give low salaries to employees and taking more work from them. This is employees first priority to gain maximum money from company as they can in terms of bonuses and rewards and in response its responsibility of manager to control the pays of employees. Employees will ask for more pays and claims their good performance in response to this managers say that your pay is equal to industry. In this chapter some strategies are discussed for managers that how to handle the employees are as follow: When manager sees that the employee is reaching to his goals in time simply extend the dead line of project. When employees demand pay according to their performance manger reply them that company is facing difficult time period. When in times of company profitable time mangers reply motivate them by making them leader of any team.
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There are two types, high risk of managers and low risk of non-manager. High risk managers They could be in total loss. As their risk is too high because they put everything they will bear big losses. This is the reason they have lot of chance to earn more money than others. Low risk non-managers These type of non-mangers have low risk. They lose small things and they can understand that why high risk managers are getting more paid. They can only lose their home and can face starvation but high risk managers have to face many problems they have nothing left. Getting Rid of Employees This chapter talks about the term downsizing of employees in organization that how you motivate your employees to quiet their job and its benefits. Employees are companys most valuable thing. Companies do care about their employees but company also look on its personal interest. The organizations can save their money by using certain tactics. In this chapter some examples are given that explains that how managers can save money for organization. Ways to encourage people to quiet Make unpleasant environment around employees so that they quiet themselves. Organize staff meetings to pressurize the employees. Assign tasks in team. As a manger make your personality difficult and be rude to employees so that they feel uncomfortable around you. Managers can also give lectures or discuss the benefits that employees can have by quieting the job. Give employees difficult options to choose. Increase the burden on single employee. Employee turnover can be beneficial for the company. You can save money by excluding the highly paid employees and hire an untrained which will cost you low. You
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can get more work by the remaining employees in the organization. They will do hard work to continue their job. High turnover will decrease companys performance and quality of organization because company is hiring untrained people and it will be harmful for organization for company in long run. How to become a happy manager A manager cannot become happy by his position but by his power. If a manager wants to become happy he should take certain steps like he should be powerful or he should decrease the power of his employees. The easiest way to become powerful is by humiliating his employees. Humiliated employees will make the manager feel more powerful. Another way to become a happy manager is to hire a secretary and then humiliate the secretary and make him/her do the work he or she is assigned to do like tell him or her to make coffee and etc. A manager can also make his secretary dissatisfied by telling him/her to do the work that is easy and you can also do that for example telling to fax a document by the fax machine that is present in front of you. This will decrease the satisfaction of the secretary and dissatisfied secretary will result into more dissatisfied staff because every time the employees will have to take appointment from the secretary and dissatisfied secretary will make it difficult for employees to approach the manager. Another way of bothering your employees is by discussing your financial issues in front of them and telling them that it has become difficult to survive now. This will hurt the feelings of employees because a manager is a highly paid person and if it is difficult for a manager to survive then how an employee can satisfy his needs with a limited salary. If all these things does not make the manager fell powerful then the best way of torturing the employees is by making an HR department because an HR department is only present to make policies that creates difficulties for the employees to survive. HR department is just like a cat means it looks very friendly from outside but it is not as friendly as it seems. The manager should also only keep those employees in the firm that always says YES to the manager. They never try to oppose the manager and always say that YOU ARE VERY RIGHT SIR. This makes the manager powerful and power is a thing that always attracts everyone towards itself so a powerful manager is a happy manager.

Conclusion At the end writer says that it is difficult to cover all aspects of management so the reader should use the common sense where necessary. Even then to help readers, the writer has sarcastically presented management in ten rules which give the insight that a manager should think he is always right, laws are meant to be broken, hold lot of meetings, ask for status reports, talking means communicating, team work means others doing work for you, and abuse is a form of recognition.

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