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Syntactic Argumentation and
the Structure of English
Syntactic Argumentation and
the Structure of English

DAVID M. PERLMUTTER
SCOTT SOAMES

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA PRESS

Berkeley Los Angeles London
Note: This book is a joint work of the two authors. To emphasize this, we have listed
the authors' names in alphabetical order on the title page and in the Library of Congress
cataloging data, and in reverse alphabetical order on the cover.

University of California Press

Berkeley and Los Angeles, California

University of California Press, Ltd.

London, England

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 78-65471

Copyright © 1979 by

David M. Perlmutter and Scott Soames

Printed in the United States of America

4 5 6 7 8 9
 Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ix

INTRODUCTION xi

PARTI: INTRODUCTION AND ONE-STORY RULES

1. Setting the Stage 3

2. Reflexive and Nonreflexive Pronouns—1 8
3. Reflexive and Nonreflexive Pronouns—2 11
4. Imperatives (Argument and Problem) 15
5. Imperatives: Further Conclusions 22
6. Arguments and Conclusions 24
7. Phrase Structure Rules 26
8. Actives and Passives 30
9. Grounds for Choice between Alternative Grammars 35
10. Activization vs. Passivization (Problem) 37
11. Formulating the Passive Rule: A First Approximation 40
12. THERE—1 42
13. THERE-2 46
14. Notes on the Formalism of Transformational Grammar 53
15. Recursion 61
16. Extraposition 65
17. The Derived Constituent Structure Produced by Passive 71
18. Two New Constructions (Exercise) 72
19. Part 1: Its Place in a Wider Context 74

PART 2: TWO-STORY RULES

20. Subject-to-Object Raising vs. S-Erasure (Problem) 79

21. The Triggering of Rules by Verbs 84

V
vi Contents

22. Missing Subjects (Problem) 87

23. Coreference and Identity 92
24. LIKELY: Equi vs. Subject-to-Subject Raising (Problem) 95
25. The Rational for Multiple Arguments in Linguistics 100
26. EAGER: Equi vs. Subject-to-Subject Raising (Problem) 102
27. LIKELY, EAGER, and Sentence Idioms 106
28. Some Differences Among Verbals (Discussion and Problem) 110
29. Part 2: Its Place in a Wider Context 114

PART 3: THE CYCLE

30. Rule Ordering 119

31. The Cyclical Theory in Early Transformational Grammar 126
32. The Conceptual Independence of Rule Ordering and the Cycle 131
33. Characterizing the Notion "Obligatory Rule" 132
34. Evidence for the Cycle in a Theory with the Frustrated
Characterization of Obligatory Rules-1 (Problem) 137
35. Evidence for the Cycle in a Theory with the Frustrated
Characterization of Obligatory Rules-2 (Problem) 138
36. Evidence for the Cycle in a Theory with the Frustrated
Characterization of Obligatory Rules—3 (Problem) 140
37. Summary of Evidence for the Cycle in a Theory with the
Frustrated Characterization of Obligatory Rules 141
38. Evidence for the Cycle in a Theory with the Immediate
Characterization of Obligatory Rules (Problem) 142
39. Strict Cyclicity (Problem) 144
40. Summary of Evidence for the Cycle 146
41. The Cyclical Theory vs. Multicyclical Theories (Problem) 148
42. What Is Linguistic Theory? 151
43. The Cycle and Strict Cyclicity as Linguistic Universals: Evidence
from Modern Greek 154
44. Part 3: Its Place in a Wider Context 172

PAR T 4: CYCLE-TYPE OF R ULES

45. Cycle-Types (Problem) 179

46. Equi and THERE-Insertion (Problem) 181
47. Reflexivization and Imperative Deletion 182
48. What Cycle-Type is Extraposition? (Problem) 185
49. Cycle Arguments and Cycle-Types (Exercise) 186
50. Part 4: Its Place in a Wider Context 188
 Contents vii

PART 5: FURTHER ISSUES IN COMPLEMENTA TION

51. FORCE and EXPECT (Problem) 195

52. A Checklist of Verbs (Exercise) 200
53. Two Analyses of the Passive (Problem) 202
54. Raising/Passive Sentences 204
55. THERE-Insertion and Verb Agreement (Problem) 211
56. Primacy Relations 214
57. Super Equi-NP Deletion (Problem) 219
58. Part 5 : Its Place in a Wider Context 225

PART 6: MOVEMENT RULES

59. Topicalization 229

60. Types of Arguments for Movement Rules 238
61. Nonsubject Deletion vs. Nonsubject Raising (Argument
and Problem) 240
62. What Cycle-Type Is Nonsubject Raising? (Problem) 246
63. Nonsubject Raising and FOR-Phrases (Problem) 247
64. Questions 251
65. Two Hypotheses about Question Movement (Problem) 259
66. Relativization 261
67. Part 6: Its Place in a Wider Context 272

PART 7. ROSS'S CONSTRAINTS

68. Island Constraints 277

69. Which Rules Obey Island Constraints? 281
70. Picture Nouns and Krispy Klauses 293
71. Rightward Movement Rules and the Right Roof Constraint 296
72. Islands, Command, and Maximal Strips 312
73. Part 7: Its Place in a Wider Context 317

PAR T 8: PR ON OMINA LIZA TION

74. Pronominalization 323

75. A Pronominalization Problem (Problem) 337
76. Dative Movement and Pronominalization (Problem) 339
77. Particle Movement and Pronominalization (Problem) 341
viü Contents

78. Particle Movement, Dative Movement, and Pronouns 343

79. Pronominalization and THERE-Insertion (Problem) 348
80. Question Movement and Pronominalization (Problem) 350
81. Problems with Pronominalization 352
82. Paradox Lost 361
83. New Perspectives on Meaning, Coreference, and Pronominal
Anaphora 376
84. Part 8: Its Place in a Wider Context 401

DISCUSSIONS OF PROBLEMS

Sections: 1 0 , 2 2 , 2 4 , 3 4 , 3 5 , 3 8 , 3 9 , 4 5 , 4 8 , 51, 55, 57, 6 1 , 6 3 , 65, 75,

and 80 405

SOME FURTHER ISSUES

SFI-1 : Meaning and Underlying Structure 533

SFI—2: Two Formulations of Passive 536
SFI-3 : Is the Complement of PROVE a Noun Phrase? 539
SFI—4: A Quandary 543
SFI—5 : THAT and Infinitives in Complements of BELIEVE 545
SFI—6: A Note on Section 28 550
SFI—7: Selectional Restrictions and the Status of the Passive
Transformation 552
SFI—8: TOO-Deletion 581
SFI—9: Movement in Questions 587

BIBLIOGRAPHY 591
 A CKNO WLEDGMENTS

The people who contributed to this book in one way or another are
too numerous to mention. They include the many students and teaching
assistants who used these materials in different stages of development and
whose suggestions and questions led to improvements. Special thanks go to
Jane Soames for her invaluable work in typing and editing the manuscript
and for living with this book over a long period. Without Brian Joseph, the
chapter on modern Greek could not have been written. Polly Jacobson read
and commented on the manuscript of Part 8. Mark Baltin, Geoffrey Pullum,
Ivan Sag, and Annie Zaenen gave valuable advice on the Bibliography. Philip
Hubbard, Keiko Otsuka, Gregory Richter, Carol Schwartz, and Kunitoshi
Takahashi helped with proof-reading, and Ava Berinstein escorted the edited
manuscript from Cardiff-by-the-Sea to Los Angeles.

ix
 Introduction

I. THE ROLE OF ARGUMENTATION

The best way to learn syntax is not simply to study it, but to do it. The
purpose of this book is to bring readers to the point where they can "do syntax"
themselves. This ability is essential for understanding the field and reading its
burgeoning literature.
We have designed the book for students in linguistics, for those in related
fields, and for those studying linguistics for what it can contribute to their
general education. We have found that focusing on syntactic argumentation is
the key to meeting the needs of each of these groups.
The student who learns how to use linguistic data to argue for one hypoth-
esis over another learns the essence of scientific method. An important advan-
tage of linguistics in this respect is that its data is generally much more accessible
than data in other sciences and typically can be obtained without time-
consuming experiments. In the course of constructing syntactic arguments, the
student discovers that each time a set of data leads to the rejection of one
hypothesis, another must be formulated and tested against further data. In this
way, one is led to investigate language in greater and greater depth and to
discover the surprising intricacy of what may initially have seemed to be a
familiar and ordinary phenomenon.
Syntactic argumentation is also crucial for the student who wishes to go
further in linguistics. For this student, it is as important to learn the reasons for
a theory as it is to learn the theory itself. Particular theories and proposals will
give way to others in time. What remains most stable are the standards of
argumentation and the criteria for choosing among competing hypotheses. In

xi
xii Introduction

addition, as new theories replace old, each new one is expected to account for
the data covered by its predecessors. Thus, in constructing arguments the stu-
dent not only learns why some hypotheses have been rejected in favor of others,
but also becomes familiar with data that has shaped the direction of the field.
Most arguments in syntax use data to show that if one makes certain
assumptions, then certain conclusions follow. Examples of various argument
forms are the following:

(1) Given assumptions A, B, and C, the data requires one to conclude D

as well.
(2) Given A, B, and C, the data requires one to reject D in favor of E.
(3) Given A, B, and C, the data is compatible with either D or E.
(4) The data makes it impossible to maintain A, B, and C jointly; at least
one of them must be given up.

In general, arguments are not absolute. They typically do not show that some-
thing must be the case, independent of other assumptions. Rather, they show
that given specific assumptions, certain conclusions follow.
In some cases the arguments we present are quite abstract. For example,
after giving an argument of the form (1), we might speak of "freeing conclusion
D from assumption B." Doing this involves showing that the data requires D,
whether or not one assumes B. Abstract though they may be, arguments of this
type are vital for an understanding of the theoretical and empirical bases of
linguists' conclusions.

2. THEORETICAL ORIENTATION

The advent of generative grammar in the late 1950s brought an increased

interest in syntax and many new results in the field. Within generative grammar,
there was a period of theoretical consensus extending to the late 1960s, at which
point syntacticians began to diverge in various directions. A full understanding
of the different trends in syntax in the 1970s requires an understanding of the
work done in the previous decade. For this reason, the theoretical orientation of
this book is very roughly that of the middle-to-late 1960s. However, we have
augmented that orientation in several respects. For example, the book does not
assume rule ordering, it includes new arguments for the cycle and certain other
principles, and it incorporates a significant number of analyses drawn from the
1970s. The final chapter (part 8), dealing with pronominal anaphora, is used to
point the way to some of the most prominent theoretical paradigms that arose in
the 1970s.
 Introduction xiii

3. TREA TMENT OF FORMALISM

This book contains brief discussions of the formalism of transformational

generative grammar. However, we do not dwell on it to any great extent.
Although we do not discourage interest in formalism, we have found that an
excessive emphasis on it at the beginning of one's study of syntax can get in the
way of learning how to construct arguments and of assimilating the empirical
basis of important results in the field. Those who wish to pursue formal issues in
more detail may find it useful to consult other sources in conjunction with this
book.

4. HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

The book consists of arguments, discussions, and a large number of prob-

lems that require the student to construct syntactic arguments. Many of the
problems have discussions and sample solutions in the back of the book. In some
cases the discussions are relatively complete; in others they amount only to hints
for solving the problem in the text. There are also problems for which no
discussion is given. A student who wants to become proficient in syntactic
argumentation, and who wishes to derive full benefit from the problems, should
work through each of them carefully before consulting the discussions. Problems
for which complete discussions are not given can be used by teachers for assign-
ments or springboards for class discussion.
At the end of each of the eight parts of the text is a section relating the
material in that part to the broader linguistic literature. At the end of the entire
book is a section called "Some Further Issues," which discusses issues and ques-
tions that may arise when working through various parts of the text. The mate-
rial in this section is not a prerequisite for understanding and working through
the text, but is intended for the reader who is interested in pursuing certain
questions in greater detail.
This book developed out of an intensive introductory syntax course and
has been classroom-tested at four universities. It assumes no previous back-
ground in linguistics and contains sufficient material for a two-semester se-
quence. It can also be used in intermediate or advanced syntax courses, either
alone or in combination with other materials. Courses beyond the introductory
level may use the early parts as review and then proceed through the rest of the
book, or may use only those portions that deal with topics of particular interest.
In addition to use in courses, the book has been designed as a text for
possible self-study and as a source book of important arguments and results that
may be useful to both professional linguists and to scholars in other fields who
wish to learn more about generative syntax.
 1
Setting the Stage

Language pervades almost every aspect of our lives. We talk, think, argue,
question, theorize, command, insult, promise, and joke—all with language. An
infinitely adaptable system, human language allows speakers to be as specific or
general as they wish in communicating on an endless variety of topics. The
ability to use language in this way is unique to human beings. It is so important
that we can scarcely imagine what our lives would be like without it.
The focus of the study of language is linguistics, which aims at the devel-
opment of a unified account of all human language. Although linguistics deals
with a wide variety of different areas involving many complicated and subtle
issues, its central questions can be simply stated:

(1) In what ways do human languages (English, Chinese, Swahili, etc.)

differ from each other, and in what ways are they all alike?
(2) What makes natural languages unique? What are the essential prop-
erties that distinguish them from animal communication systems and
from invented languages like those of logic, mathematics, and
computer science?

In attempting to answer these questions, linguists hope to provide insights into

one of our most fundamental human abilities.
An essential aspect of our linguistic competence is our ability to produce
and understand sentences that we have never encountered before. For example,
a competent speaker of English can recognize that the examples in (3) are
grammatical sentences, whereas those in (4) are not; 1 that the sentences in
(5) are synonymous; and that (6) is ambiguous.
1
We use an asterisk to indicate deviant examples that are not well-formed sentences of
English.

3
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Cover by Charles Momberger (see editorial please).

 CONTENTS
THE ANNALS OF AARDVARK by Harlan Ellison
THE GOTHIC HORROR by George Wetzel
LOOSE ENDS by Jean Reedy
A TIME TO LOVE by Don Howard Donnell

VERSE:
THREE A. M. by Walt Klein
AT TAKEOFF TIME by R. L. Clancy
NOVA by Keran O'Brien
THE SEA AT EVENING by A. Duane
TAVERN MOOD by Walt Klein

FEATURES:
... ENTR'ACTE
ASSAY REPORT
WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN
 ... ENTR'ACTE
This issue was published with the thought in mind that it would be
nice to distribute it at the Midwestcon—in the rush to get it finished,
the aid of Robert J. Fritz (editor of the now defunct HYPEROPIA)
and Joseph M. Fillinger (editor of the now defunct GHUVNA). This
was a mistake—as a matter of fact, two mistakes! Note the
sloppiness of the interior reproduction. Note the cover, and realize
that Joe swiped it from a Momberger cover on the second issue of
GHUVNA; it suffered in the process, and I expect Charlie to sue me
any day now. I'm tired of saying in each issue that the next one will
see, finally, publication of the DeWeese story. It is not a myth ... and
it will appear. What? Well, now, you just wait and see!!
Beginning with this issue I am experimenting with kinds of stories—
I'm tired of publishing tales that "almost made the pulps;" eventually,
FAN-FARE will be issued in a better format than mimeographing—I'd
have it lithographed beginning right away if I thought reader support
would pay most of the cost, but I've learned from others' mistakes.
And I refuse to issue it in the not-so-costly microscopic form which
early issues of SF DIGEST used.... I'd have to provide magnifying
lenses!
Next issue the regular page of book reviews should return, and I
hope to have another installment of the Loverontz column—having
been an observer to one of the latest atom explosions, he should
have interesting things to comment on....
—8 June, 1953
—THE EDITOR
 THE ANNALS OF AARDVARK
BY HARLAN ELLISON
CHAPTER 1
THE ENTRANCE
C'mon in won't you? You can sit right down there in that rocking
chair. Oh! you saw the sign on the door and wanted to ask me about
Aardvark, did you? Well, I guess I'm the best person to tell you about
him since I was with him from the moment he entered the country.
Do you want to hear from there or from the real beginning? Well,
okay, I'll tell you about the start when he met the Valkyries.
You see Aardvarks can live only in the warmest places. So, when the
Aardvark got lost in the Swiss Alps, he was very uncomfortable.
Don't ask me how an Aardvark got to the Swiss Alps or what he was
doing there in the first place. He's never told anyone, except maybe
the Valkyries.
Anyhow, stumbling around in the freezing cold, he got lost; but good.
Just as he was about to give up and say farewell cruel world, he
stumbled upon an ice crypt. Stumbled, he ran into it and knocked out
two teeth.
This crypt which was set in the side of one of the glaciers was not an
ordinary one, for frozen within its icy walls, rent free, were two
Valkyries and a large elephant. Even the elephant was unusual. He
was the sole owner (the Valkyries obviously had no use for one!) of a
handsome brown handle-bar moustache, nicely waxed and
glistening.
The Aardvark, who was inquisitive as are all great men, strolled up to
the ice crypt as nonchalantly as a freezing Aardvark could, and dying
of hunger, put forth an exploratory tongue and licked the ice. To his
amazement, the ice was lemon flavored. Wait a minute, I'll tell you
why it was lemon flavored, but first let me tell you what happened.
Knowing full well the consequences of licking open this age-old ice
pack, but racked with hunger, the Aardvark proceeded to lick open
the crypt. After several minutes of lightninglike licking, the Aardvark
sated his hunger and in the process freed the Valkyries.
The Valkyries were forever grateful and proceeded to show the
Aardvark this by bursting into a Wagnerian opera, complete with
flowing braids.
After the preceding formality had been dispensed with, introductions
went around and the Aardvark found out the fact, which is of
practically no use to anyone, that the Valkyries' names were Olga
and Ketanya Schwartz. Very old lineage, this name. The elephant,
who had been sitting by looking very bored about the whole thing,
was named Rubin.
The Valkyries, it seems, were delivering a package of lemon flavored
Jell-O to the cook in Valhalla, and en route, had gotten frozen in the
ice. The elephant was their mode of conveyance since all the good
horses had a day off and went to the people races at Lowaleah.
The Aardvark heard all of this in a rather detached way, for you know
most Aardvarks can neither talk, write, nor understand human
language.... The Valkyries who perceived this deficiency were
contemplating giving the Aardvark some of their Valkyrie Local
Number 86112 Magic, Pat. Pending, when the recipient in question
suddenly turned a lovely shade of aquamarine, shivered, and
dropped over, frozen solid. This solved the problem very effectively.
They worked their second-hand magic on the fellow, and when he
awoke...! Well, there was a complete change in him. This was the
exit of Aardvark, boy nothing, and the entrance of Cassius Quagmire
Aardvark, man of the world.
 CHAPTER 2
MASS EXODUS

After the Valkyries had revived Cassius with the aid of a bouquet
consisting of a quartet of red flowers in liquid form, they placed him
and themselves upon the back of the elephant Rubin, who it was
found was permanently grounded after three or four thousand years
of disuse, and proceeded to the almost obscure town of
Eeahohaheeee, Switzerland, where they intended to settle down.
But the people of the town upon seeing the apparition of a large
elephant with a moustache carrying two beautiful girls and a strange
animal, wanted to burn the aardvark and his companions at the
stake thinking them a figment of their imaginations.
The elephant did not care for this in the least and rearing back on his
hind legs proceeded to tell the townsfolk so, much to their dismay. In
large groups they immediately depopulated the Swiss village.
Cassius, the Aardvark, finding himself alone in the middle of a
deserted town with a moustachioed elephant and two Valkyries
decided that here they were not appreciated, and made preparations
for leaving the country.
In a deserted haberdashery he found a fine, warm English tweed, a
top hat, white gloves, a white bow tie, and a pair of lavender
earmuffs, which he quickly donned. The elephant was equipped with
a can of moustache wax and a muffler, while the Schwartz sisters
doffed their filmy negligee type goddess gowns and donned two
lovely business suits.
Then, well clothed and happy, the elephant replaced his travelling
companions upon his back, and calmly swam the Atlantic Ocean to
arrive at the United States of America, where the Aardvark's
appearance was destined to cause a stir and tremor in the daily life
of every American.
 CHAPTER 3
"... IT'S A BARGAIN"
A warning of the thing to sweep the country shortly was evidenced
when the moustachioed elephant Rubin came lumbering through the
water in the New York Harbor. People from miles around who got
wind of the news (he was a very smelly elephant) rushed to the
docks to watch, or climb to the tops of buildings with binoculars. And
when Rubin climbed ashore on Ellis Island, the city was thrown into
a panic.
It seems that Cassius began conferring at once with two of the
immigration officers about entrance into the country. This was flatly
refused by the officials, who cited a weak clause in the handbook
which excluded all uncivilized beings; and anyone could see that
Cassius was uncivilized,—whoever heard of wearing lavender
earmuffs with an English tweed?
When his traveling companions heard this, they were all for hurling
the immigration officers head first into ye olde New Yawk Harbor.
Right about there is where I came in. Yeah, good old Charlie Smirtz,
that's me. I had been waiting on the Island for a shipload of animals
from Africa and being a producer of some reknown, saw the latent
possibilities in the appearance of these, and I use the term loosely,
people. I had just finished a show on Broadway that had run three
years and was just getting together an animal circus to tour the
country. But when I saw this Aardvark in an English Tweed with a top
hat, tie, and ivory-topped cane, a moustached elephant wearing a
muffler, and two of the most gawjus dames in the world, I knew that
this was something a little unusual. I was sure of it when I saw that
the Aardvark was wearing lavender earmuffs.
Sauntering casually over to where the Aardvark and his companions
were sitting, I introduced myself, and in a low voice related to them
the fact that if they would consent to signing a contract, I would
personally see that they were inside the country before morning. The
Aardvark gives me the cold eye at first and then says, "If you
promise, and write it out in this contract that we are not to appear in
any sideshow type things, we might consent."
Before the fellow could twitch his short brown tail, I had pulled out
my Foster pen that writes under water, air, ink, blood, and money,
and was writing in the clause he mentioned. Then he signed the
contract, and so commenced the partnership of Smirtz, Aardvark,
Schwartz, and Rubin, Inc.

CHAPTER 4
THE CARBUNCLE VOYAGE
After the signing of the contract, Cassius and his companions retired
to the harbor to wait till I had made the arrangements. Late that
night, very late (about five o'clock), a small tug pulled up to the island
and out came one Hawser Dawson. I can truthfully say that Hawser
is the mouldiest looking animal ever to set foot upon dry land. Or wet
water, for that matter. He is so filthy that his clothes stand up by
themselves when he takes them off at night. And the smell!
WHEWWW!! Hawser Dawson smells like Mrs. Murphy didn't get
home with the eggs in time. He is dirty, smelly, and dumb besides,
but he is loyal and one of the best tugboat captains that ever tripped
on a two inch line.
We had arranged to get the Aardvark and his buddies into the
country under cover but I had forgotten to mention to Hawser how
big the group was. When Hawser saw the elephant he almost
fainted. His ship, which was as leaky as Stalin's head wouldn't carry
that load. It could hardly carry Hawser himself. So we arranged to
hang the Aardvark and the elephant under the ship while the
Valkyries and myself rode upstairs.
But not only did Dawson get paid twice as much as he should have,
he wanted the Aardvark and Rubin the elephant to work their way in.
He whispered something to Cassius and Rubin and then came
aboard. When the elephant and our hero were slung under the ship,
the leaky tub sank so low into the water that it was wetter on the
bridge than it was under the ship. We got under way shortly and as
we sailed around under cover of darkness we heard a weird sound.
It was a systematic metallic whonking under the boat. When we
asked Dawson what the noise was, he told us that the Aardvark and
Rubin were working their way over by cleaning barnacles off the
bottom of the tugboat with their teeth. I almost fainted when I heard
this. Our future star, the brightest new personality in years ...
scraping barnacles! Oh no!
After breaking a steel pipe over Dawson's head, we got the Aardvark
into the ship and started chipping the remnants of his work from his
bicuspids. It was about this time that we got into the small dock that
Hawser had told us would be waiting. We dragged the slightly
defunct sea captain out of the ship, got Rubin out from under and
proceeded to enter the United States of America, which as you know
has been renamed since by some people, the United States of
Aardvark. One of the reasons is because of what happened in the
Drunken Cockroach Nightclub. Oh was that a queer night. It
happened on the same evening we got into the States....

CHAPTER 5
IN THE DRUNKEN COCKROACH
We got the Aardvark settled quickly in a hotel near the center of town
and then decided to go out and eat someplace. Hawser Dawson
wanted to go along till he got his money and since he wanted it in
cash and the banks didn't open till the next day we decided to let him
tag along. There was but one stipulation: that he take a bath. This
almost broke Stinky's heart but he consented and when he met us in
the lobby a few hours later, he was (as he termed it) "disgustingly
filthy clean."
Rubin was looking quite elegant in a rented tux which was a size
sixty-seven. The Schwartz girls were absolutely ravishing in their two
evening gowns that were strapless, hemless, backless, topless,
bottomless, frontless, and with a plunging neckline.
But the really dashing one was Cassius Q Aardvark. He was decked
out in a conservative green and red suit with a yellow tie, spats, a
cane, top hat and the perennial lavender earmuffs. We could never
understand it but the newspapers said the next day that about fifty
cases of color blindness and shock were brought into the hospital
raving about an Aardvark with a top hat and earmuffs.
That was really a queer night. We started out at the Stork Club.
Sherm Billingsley had gotten wind of the Aardvark and had a special
room reserved with a wall knocked out for the elephant Rubin. The
men were practically fawning all over the Schwartz Valkyries who
calmly broke Champagne bottles over their heads and continued to
stay by their erstwhile pal, the Aardvark. After we had gotten well
well placed I looked at the Aardvark. He was holding sway like a
royal Sultan, complete with dancing girls. The young blade was
surrounded by the chorus line and was having a rough time with
them. But he had eyes only for the Schwartz sisters. They sat there
exchanging guttural sounds.
After we got finished at the Stork we took in rapid succession the
Mocambo, the 21, 22, 23, 24, and 25 Clubs, the Noire Pansy Club,
and the Hi, Low, Top, and Homburg Hat Clubs.
About nine o'clock we were just about pooped out when we noticed
that we had lost Hawser someplace. It was quite a relief to us as he
had poured the contents of a potted palm over himself at the Noire
Pansy Club to make himself feel more at home and he had begun to
reacquire the odor that was peculiar only to his body.
It was then that Cassius remarked, "Look at the neighborhood we're
in. This is lower than low."
Truer than true were his words. We were in a neighborhood that
looked like the inside of a shell-shocked oyster shell. We were
surrounded by broken down houses and buildings that looked as
though they had been old when Moxie's Army was chewing on
rattles. At the end of the street that we were on was a building that
was a little better; just a little. By better, I mean it was standing.
There was a sign over the door that proceeded to tell us in no
uncertain terms that this was the "Drunken Cockroach Nightclub."
I was all for turning back as was Cassius Q, but the Valkyries, Olga
and Ketanya who had consumed a great deal of wine (they learned
how in Valhalla, they told us) ran on ahead and without a backward
hiccough vanished into the rickety building which threatened at any
moment to fall on their heads.
With a shrug to the Gods of Chance Rubin, Cassius and myself
proceeded to the Spirit Hostelry, or as you choose, Beer Parlor.
The inside of the Drunken Cockroach was worse than the outside. It
looked like a nightmare by Dali on a night when he had run out of
brushes and had started using his feet.
The bar, which ran across the back of the smoke-filled room, was of
a seasick green color while the walls were a burnt umber tinged with
beige. The floor was ornamented with a five-pointed star that
showed several crawly type animals such as the kind that "... go
bump in the night." They were of various hues and were, in all, quite
sickening. The bartender was the worst. A small sign above the door
related to the fact that he was Oliver Absinthe. He was not only
repulsive, he was nauseating. A large bald head encased in folds of
pink flesh was what surmounted the largest bay window in the
country, outside of Rubin's. He was wearing an apron that showed
the demise of many a martini. There were also spaghetti, dirt, milk,
coffee, and gravy stains on the apron besides a group of green
blotches that I couldn't quite place. It looked like the remains of last
week's spinach.
Have you ever heard a sick Hippo tell you about his operation? Well,
if not try to imagine how it would sound, since that was what this
fellow's voice sounded like. "What's ya pleasure," he said.
"Nothing much," I answered, looking for a quick way to get out if it
was needed.
We seated ourselves in a booth next to the Valkyries who were fast
at work guzzling beer. Rubin just stood with one foot on the brass
rail, which at the application of his weight, bent. He ordered another
double double scotch and in one gulp downed it. It was then that the
elephant began screeching in an unelephantlike way and kicking
himself in his more than ample posterior. We started shaking him by
the trunk and asked him what the trouble was and he yelled that the
last drink was one too many. He was seeing pink people.
After this outburst I returned to the booth to see that the Aardvark
was gone. My attempts at locating him were halted suddenly by the
screaming of another person. It seems as though that evening was
open season on howling. The person yelling was Oliver Absinthe,
the bartender, who was yelling at Cassius who was in turn yelling
and alternately beating with his fists and a cuspidor, a slot machine
that was not acting in the way Cassius expected it to. With a
resounding howl the machine exploded showering colored lights,
nickels, pieces of wire, and an Aardvark at me. The last was caught
by Ketanya Schwartz in one hand while downing a beer with the
other. Absinthe was jumping up and down behind his seasick green
bar while the rather shady looking patrons were scrambling for the
nickels.
Absinthe, who had been systematically withdrawing each strand of
hair from his chest (his head was bald), let loose a barrage of verbal
abuse that even singed my ears. Besides that, he let loose a string
of whiskey bottles that sailed across the room and felled, one at a
time, the clientele on the opposite side. The bodies began piling up
as Oliver the bartender became not only bald on his head, but upon
his barrel chest also. I for one dove for safety under the table, and
there was pleasantly surprised to find the half-pickled Olga Schwartz
still swilling spirits. I raised my head in time to see the Aardvark
swinging across the nearly-ruined room on the trunk of Rubin, who
was sitting in the middle of the floor hitting himself and repeating,
"Go away, go away." Giving out a sound like Tarzan with the gout, he
flew through the murky smoke-filled air and with a sidearm that
would do Bob Feller credit, hit the still-bellowing bartender a
resounding clunk in the cranium. Absinthe fell like a poled ox.
By this time there was much yelling and hollering by everyone within
a radius of two blocks. In the distance we heard the mournful wail
that signals the entrance of the blue coated gendarmes. With a
significant look we aroused Rubin, whose moustache had begun to
droop sadly, climbed upon his back, and amidst the clatter and crash
of beer bottles, escaped the "Drunken Cockroach Nightclub." Like I
said, what a night!

CHAPTER 6
NONE SO BLIND AS LOVE
These were the times. The good times that I still remember as I rock
back and forth before my fire. Eh? Whassat? Oh, yeah, less
ruminating and more expostulating. Heh, that's a good one, sonny,
but don't be gettin' flip with me ... old Smirtz can still tan the hide off'n
any young whipper snupper like you.
Well, anyhow, I had been making plans to put Cassius and his band
into a supra-super-colossal extravaganza that would out Florenz
Ziegfeld. It was about six months after that mad night at the
Cockroach that rehearsals were over, the show was prepared, the
public waited with bated breath and fish-hooks to see what had been
the most highly touted production in a decade.
Then that night.
I can remember it as if it were twelve years ago. (As a matter of fact,
it WAS twelve years ago). The marquees blazoned their messages
to the crowd that had formed a line fourteen times around the block
in front of the Garden. New York had turned out en masse. And, as I
said, those marquees!

THE AARDVARK FOLLIES

starring CASSIUS Q. AARDVARK with RUBIN, OLGA
and KETANYA SCHWARTZ, MILTON BERLE,
LAURENCE OLIVIER, LIONEL BIRDBATH and others

an extravaganza to out-ganza all extras!! STANDING

ROOM ONLY
How d'y'like that? SRO signs up, and we hadn't even opened yet!
Well, when that curtain rose and the Aardvark came out on the
backs of seventy raging rhinocerii, the crowd went into fits. And
when the Schwartz girls danced the dance of the 8-1/2 x 11 Kleenex,
you could have sworn that the rafters would buckle. And when Rubin
did his imitation of the president (Oh that imitation of Mamie!), the
Garden sounded as though 12 billion Zulus were singing, "TIDE'S in,
Smirtz out."
Thirteen weeks went by with two shows a day except when Cassy
got tired, and the money was rolling in. We had to save a box seat
each night for Impelliterri, otherwise the cops would have closed us
down. It wasn't exactly blackmail, I don't blame him a bit, that was
one helluva show.
However, all good things must come to an end.
We had signed on a pair of kids named ... uh ... what in the ... oh
yeah—yeah, that's it, Martin, for some fill-in stuff 'tween acts (we had
to let 'em go eventually. We found 'em carrying on with one of the
hat-check girls name of Monroe, or something. Oh well.) and Cass
had taken off a week to go down to Monte Carlo for some sun and
air. That year, the rage of the Riviera were two three-headed girls
named Sally Louise Lee Munglefootz and Gertrude Alice Roberta
Hitslongle (they called them SLL and GAR for short), and when they
saw Cassius....
Well, it went on for three gay, mad days till I sent a wire back to New
York to tell Olga and Ketanya to get down to le ville de mazuma to
save Cass-boy from what might develop into a septangle.
SLL and GAR were entertaining Cass at a party one night, drinking
borscht from his sneakers, when who should drop in through a
skylight from a DC-6 but the Schwartz sisters who immediately
began laying about them with a pair of two-handed broadswords.
Fifteen minutes and ninety gallons of blood later the place was
cleared of all sentience save Cass, myself, the Schwartz girls, and a
drunken cockroach (something familiar about that boy) who
immediately staggered to the seashore, fell in and was poisoned to
death.
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