CHAPTER 2

In this chapter we consider the domains that form the basis of the parent-child relationship. We
begin with the protection domain and then move on to the reciprocity domain.

THE PROTECTION DOMAIN

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

Daughter has a fight with her best friend and is upset.

Younger son to daughter. Please play my new game with me.

Daughter. I don’t want to play your stupid game. Besides, you stink.

Mom. Please don’t speak to your brother like that. It’s rude.

--

Son is very about going to the dentist.

Son. I’m afraid it will hurt.

Dad. Come on son, you’re being silly. You’re a big boy now.

--

15
Daughter is afraid of her grandmother’s new dog, even though the dog is friendly. She refuses
to go to visit her grandmother because of the dog.

Mom. But grandma really wants to see you.

Daughter. No, no I don’t want to.

Mom. Okay I understand. We’ll ask grandma to come visit us instead.

--

The Protection Domain rests on the basic idea that parents must keep their children safe from
physically dangerous situations as well as help them cope with psychological danger, such as
frightening or stressful events.

Protection includes:

• keeping children safe from physical danger.

• comforting children when they are upset or hurt.
• helping children learn how to cope with stressful events on their own.

In this domain parents make their children feel secure and confident that their parents have their
safety and well-being at heart. As well, children learn how to reduce their own distress and to be
sensitive and responsive to the distress of others: children who cope well with their own distress
are able to experience sympathy for the distress of others and want to help them.

WHAT DO PARENTS WANT TO ACHIEVE IN THE PROTECTION DOMAIN?

Parents’ short-term goals are to:

• keep their children as safe as possible from danger and distress.

• comfort their children when they do become distressed.

Parents’ long-term goals are to:

• help their children learn how to cope with stress on their own. Stress is an inevitable part
of life, and everyone needs to know how to deal with it.
• help their children be sensitive and responsive to the distress of others and thereby able
to help them in an appropriate way.

16
 • increase their children’s willingness to go along with parent requests. When children feel
protected, they trust that parents are asking them to do things that are in their own best
interest.
• create a positive parent-child relationship.

WHEN ARE CHILDREN IN THE PROTECTION DOMAIN?

When they are:

• sick or hurt.
• physically uncomfortable (e.g., overtired, hungry).
• afraid or anxious--either because of real fear,
anticipated fear, or imagined fear (e.g., an aggressive
dog, going to the doctor, monsters under the bed).
• sad (e.g., at the loss of a pet, rejection by a friend).
• embarrassed.
Knowing that children are in the protection domain can be obvious when, for example, they cry
or say that something is wrong. At other times, it’s not quite
so clear. Children may appear irritable, withdrawn,
indifferent, or clingy. They may also act out or complain
about not feeling well. However, many of these behaviors
could be indications of events going on in another domain,
so parents need to stop and think about whether their
children’s actions are actually signals of distress. If it’s not
clear, they can ask questions such as “Are you hungry?” or “Are you feeling tired?" or “Is
something bothering you?”

FOR CONSIDERATION

What other thoughts or events, besides those just listed, could be distressing for a child? Think
about a time when your child was upset and how you responded.

17
ACCORDING TO THE RESEARCH, WHAT SHOULD PARENTS DO TO REDUCE
THEIR CHILDREN’S DISTRESS?

Parents should:

• stay calm--parents who become too distressed in response to

their children’s distress can increase children’s anxiety.
• label their child’s emotion--children who have names for their
emotions find it easier to talk about them and to cope with them.
For example, parents can say, “I can see that you are feeling sad
right now.”
• let their child know it’s alright to feel this emotion. For example,
parents can say, “I understand why you’re upset. What happened
was scary”.
• offer comfort--a hug or some form of reassurance--enough so they feel secure but not so
much that they are discouraged from learning how to comfort themselves. As an example,
1

children who are shy require a certain degree of protection from challenging social
encounters, but they also need to be gently encouraged to overcome their shyness.
• move into the guided learning domain by helping their children learn how to cope on their
own—discuss and share views about useful strategies for
coping with their distress, e.g., trying to solve the problem,
getting help or guidance from someone, finding ways to
distract themselves, exploring together ways that the
situation might be handled differently if it arises in the future.
If the child’s distress interferes with a productive exchange of
views then it might have to take place at a later time when
everyone is calm.
• some situations can’t be solved but parents still need to be there to offer support and
comfort.

COMMON PITFALLS IN THE PROTECTION DOMAIN

Some common pitfalls in this domain are:

§ not helping children know when distress is realistic and when it is not.
§ becoming upset oneself.
§ not knowing what is comforting for the child.
§ not realizing that what is comforting can change as the child grows older.
§ not taking the child’s perspective.
§ dismissing or punishing the child’s distress.
§ talking about how to handle emotions in an intrusive way, rather than listening to the
child’s ideas.
§ overlooking subtle signals. Sometimes children can show distress in ways that aren’t
immediately obvious, but they still require support.

18
 § overreacting. Children often look to their caregivers to decide how serious a situation is.
Thus, children need to be given accurate information. If parents overreact, children
probably will too. Alternatively, they may be discouraged from opening up about fears and
concerns at a later time.
§ being overprotective. Just as lack of comfort and protection can be harmful, too much
comfort and protection doesn’t allow children to take control of their own actions and
may even add to their fear.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CHILDREN MISBEHAVE BECAUSE THEY ARE

UPSET?

Sometimes children behave in ways that are inappropriate when they are emotionally upset. They
should be reminded that this behavior is inappropriate, but the primary goal in the protection
domain is to help children learn how to control their emotions so they don’t harm themselves
or others or behave badly in the future. Chapter 5 deals at greater length with what to do when
children are functioning in more than one domain at a time.

WHAT EMOTIONS ARE ASSOCIATED WITH THE PROTECTION DOMAIN?

Children are in the protection domain when they are sad (blue, down, disappointed, unhappy,
upset), anxious (afraid, concerned, nervous, scared, worried), or uncomfortable (embarrassed,
hurt, shy, sick, tired).

FOR CONSIDERATION

Think about a recent time when your child was distressed: how you could tell, what you did, why
you did it, and whether it worked.

The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott talks about the “good-enough” mother who, over time,
helps her child become independent. He notes that she starts off with complete adaptation to
her infant’s needs, but as time goes on she adapts less and less completely as her child becomes
better able to deal with her failures. How does this fit with the protection domain?

19
AT-HOME PRACTICE

1. Think back to a time or times when your child was distressed. Was it easy
or difficult to know your child was distressed? How did you respond? Did you
respond in a way that you felt was comforting (not too little, not too much)?
Do you think your child felt comforted?

2. Make a list of things your child finds comforting when in distress.

BETTER WAYS OF RESPONDING IN THE PROTECTION DOMAIN

Daughter has fight with her best friend and is upset.

Younger son to daughter. Please play my new game with me.

Daughter. I don’t want to play your stupid game. Besides, you stink.

Mom to daughter. I know you’re upset because you had a fight with your best friend, but you
shouldn’t take it out on your brother. Let’s talk about it so I can help you feel better.

Mom to son. Let’s talk about what happened later.

--

Son is very nervous about going to the dentist.

Son. I’m afraid it will hurt.

Dad. I understand that going to the dentist can seem scary. But dentists work very hard to
make sure they don’t hurt you. I’ve been going to our dentist for many years and he is always
very careful to keep me comfortable. So, you can be pretty sure that nothing bad will happen.

--

Daughter is afraid of her grandmother’s new dog, even though the dog is friendly. She refuses
to go visit her grandmother because of the dog.

Mom. I understand you’re scared of the dog. How about the next time we go visit grandma I’ll
play with the dog while you watch. Maybe you can pet the dog as well, if I hold him. He is very
friendly and well-behaved.

20
 THE RECIPROCITY DOMAIN

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
Waiting to board an airplane. Mom is texting, son is obviously bored.
Son. Mom, I’m tired of sitting here. Can we go and see what’s over there?
Mom. No, we might miss the plane.

Mom returns to her cell phone.

--

Mom is at the computer.

Daughter. Mom, can we play my new game now? I really want to try it out.
Mom. Sorry hon, I’m too busy right now. Mom returns to her computer.

--

Dad is reading the newspaper.

Daughter. Dad, will you play my game with me?
Dad. Sure, but let’s play it my way.

--

21
Son is watching his favorite TV show (which Dad finds extremely boring) and Dad is reading the
newspaper.
Son. Dad, come and watch this, it’s really exciting!
Dad ignores the invitation, pretending not to have heard.

We now move to the Reciprocity Domain. Along with the protection domain, the reciprocity
domain sets the stage for a successful parent-child relationship that makes the rest of parenting
easier and more effective. In the protection domain,
parents are stronger and wiser individuals who respond to
their child’s distress and fear. In the mutual reciprocity
domain, parents are cooperative partners who agree to
their children’s reasonable requests. Since human beings
have a natural tendency to return favors, children are more
likely to go along with their parents’ requests when their
own requests have been honored. This is the domain
where children learn to cooperate in an easy-going way.
It’s the domain where interactions between parents and children are pleasant and fun and where
children don’t feel forced to obey their parents.
Research shows that putting time and effort into the reciprocity
domain pays off in the long run. Complying with a child’s
reasonable requests is like putting money in the bank—you can
draw on your savings when the need arises.

WHAT DO PARENTS WANT TO ACHIEVE IN THE RECIPROCITY DOMAIN?

Parents’ short-term goals are to:
§ have fun and be in the moment with their children. They want to play, laugh, and generally
have a good time together.
Parents’ long-term goals are to:
§ increase the chances that their children will cooperate willingly and happily when asked
to do something.
§ provide memories for themselves and their children of good times together.
§ create a positive parent-child relationship.

22
WHEN ARE CHILDREN IN THE RECIPROCITY DOMAIN?
Children are in the reciprocity domain when they want their parents to do something with them,
such as playing a game, going on an outing, talking to them, or reading a specific story. Below are
some examples of what children might like to do with their parents, along with some possible
ways that parents might respond to their children’s requests.
§ child wants to play a game. Parent happily joins in.
§ child wants to play a game the parent finds boring.
Parent still happily joins in, realizing that providing
enjoyment for the child and investing in the
relationship is worth a bit of boredom. (Playing the
game might even become pleasant.)
§ child wants to help with challenging chores around
the house. Parent lets the child help even if it’s not
really that helpful.
§ child wants to tell the parent about their day. Parent listens with interest, but doesn’t ask
intrusive questions.
§ child shows off a new skill they’ve learned. Parent gives undivided attention and shows
genuine interest. (This isn’t necessarily an opportunity for improving the skill—that can
happen at another time.)

WHAT TO DO WHEN A CHILD MAKES A REQUEST

§ Parent needs to decide if it’s reasonable or not. (To a certain extent what is reasonable
differs from one parent to another, as well as from one situation to another.) If a child’s
request isn’t reasonable, they should be told why. (This could include the parent not
having time at the moment to be accommodating.) If the request is reasonable there’s an
opportunity for parents to enjoy the fact that the child is having a good time. Remember
that the reciprocity domain’s goal is to build up a positive and cooperative parent-child
relationship.
§ Let children take the lead. Parents can make suggestions but they shouldn’t try to steer
the interaction. Note that reciprocity is a two-way process—when one person doesn’t
cooperate, the other person is less likely to cooperate as well. That’s just as true for the
parent as it is for the child—a child’s noncompliance can make the parent resentful and
unwilling to cooperate in turn. However, parents need to start the process. They are the
ones who need to take the initiative to create a cooperative atmosphere and they
probably shouldn’t expect immediate results with respect to cooperation.
§ Note that being in the reciprocity domain doesn’t mean always saying yes to everything.
There’s a happy medium between rejecting a child’s reasonable requests and going along
with everything the child wants. Parents need to seek out this happy medium.
§ It may not be so easy to carve time out of the day to play with a child. There may be
circumstances when this just isn’t possible. Some parents juggle several jobs and have little
support to help with the care of their children. In these circumstances, even dedicating a
few minutes several times a week to a fun activity with the child can go a long way toward
developing a positive relationship. Another option is to put play into other activities, such

23
 as making household chores into an activity that parent and child do together. An example
is making a game out of cooking dinner, setting the table, or cleaning up.

COMMON PITFALLS IN THE RECIPROCITY DOMAIN

These include:

▪ not being clear about what is a reasonable request.

▪ feeling too rushed to enjoy pleasant times.
▪ not taking the child’s perspective (e.g., not appreciating the child’s enjoyment of the
interaction).
▪ not letting the child take the lead.
▪ treating the child’s request as silly or too childish.
▪ feeling resentful that the child isn’t always complying in return.
▪ being excessively child-centered. Compliance by parents in this domain doesn’t mean that
a child’s every wish has to be granted. If friends are visiting, for example, it could be quite
appropriate to ask a child to play on their own.
▪ turning reciprocity into a score-keeping exercise or using it as a way of making the child
feel guilty, for example, “I played a game with you. Now, in exchange you should do what
I ask.”
▪ looking bored and uninterested.

FOR CONSIDERATION
What is a reasonable request? What is an unreasonable request? What are some examples?
Different people have different ideas about what is reasonable. Is there anything wrong with that?
Also, what is reasonable in one situation might not be reasonable in another. Can you think of
examples?
How can you initiate playing with your child and still let your child take the lead?
Consider the following quote. How does it relate to some of the ideas raised in this session?
“Over and over again I find myself bored by what I’m doing with my children: How many times
can we read “Angelina Ballerina” or watch a “Bob the Builder” video? And yet I remind myself
that such intimate shared moments, snuggling close, provide the ultimate meaning of life …If I
lost all my emails I’d manage, and if I lost my children, I’d never recover: Yet still I sometimes find
it hard to stay in the moment with them. (From the review by Andrew Solomon of Jennifer
Senior’s “All Joy and No Fun”, published in the New York Times, February 2, 2014).

24
AT-HOME PRACTICE

Think back to a time or times when you played with your child or agreed to
something they asked you to do. If it was for something to do together, did
you both have a good time? Were there times when you didn’t comply with
a request? How did your child react? What was your reason for not doing
so?

BETTER WAYS OF RESPONDING IN THE RECIPROCITY DOMAIN

Waiting to board an airplane. Mom is texting, son is obviously bored.

Son. Mom, I’m tired of sitting here. Can we go and see what is over there?

Mom. Sure, let’s see what’s going on. We shouldn’t go too far away though, in case we miss the
boarding announcement.

--

Mom is at the computer.

Daughter. Mom, can we play my new game now? I really want to try it out.

Mom. OK. I have a few minutes now.

--

Dad is reading the newspaper.

Daughter. Dad, will you play my game with me?

Dad. Sure, which version do you want to play?

--

Son is watching his favorite TV show (which Dad finds extremely boring) and Dad is reading the
newspaper.

Son. Dad, come and watch this, it’s really exciting!

Dad. OK, if you think it’s exciting I’ll give it a try.

25