Feedback-1
Grammar and Sentence Structure:
1. Ensure the use of correct verb tenses to match the time
frame described (e.g., "went down" should be "declined").
2. Maintain parallel structure and consistent use of tenses.
3. Use appropriate prepositions (e.g., "in the UK" instead of "a
UK").
Clarity and Conciseness:
1. Avoid redundancy and unnecessary words for clarity.
2. Group related information together for better coherence.
Specific Details:
1. Clearly state the years when significant changes occurred.
2. Ensure data is presented accurately based on the described
graph.
Logical Flow:
1. Present the data logically and sequentially, ensuring each
point flows into the next.
By addressing these areas, your description of the graph will be clearer,
more accurate, and easier to follow.
Feedback-2
The graph introduces the three commonly used sport club activities in a
UK from 1983 to 2003.
The graph presents the participation rates of three
common sports club activities in the UK from 1983 to 2003
It is clear that the participation in swimming club went down
precipitously. By the time the sport and gym clubs had gone up
dramatically for 20 years. Meanwhile, participation in sports and
gym clubs increased dramatically over the 20-year period.
Around 50% of swimming club members participated in 1983, making
it a highly popular activity. (thus this club was high rated popular
activity). Even tough Despite the large number of members, this figure
decreased slightly to 15% in 1998 and then remained constant (at this
rate) until 2003
In contrast, participation in team sports, which was at 35% in 1983 of
sport club members started going up steadily from 1988 and overtook
swimming club in 1991. Although the club it decreased noticeably to
40% in 1998 and it remained stood at in the most popular activity
thereafter.
Finally, in 1983 participation in of gym activities started at members
from 5% and rose sharply to 28% in 1998 making it the second
most popular activity in the UK and achieved the second most
popularity in the UK. (167)
Feedback-3
The bar chart compares the proportion of workforce in three many areas
of employment between three countries at contrasting at different
stages of industrial development improvement.
Overall, we can see that Japan and India have are the same highest
proportions in two sectors, while that Brazil is lower in each fields.
India and Japan amount are amounting the highest percentage of
workforce at with 62% and 61% respectively. However India’s employees
show that they are in the lowest stages in industrial and service sectors .
In contrast, Japan is lower in the agricultural field at nearly 10%, but in
the others it stays the highest.
In conclusion, Brazil introduces maintains that it stays the same figures
at 25% in both the agricultural and industrial sectors, while that in
service sector, its proportion of workers is are the highest higher than
other sectors with 50%.
Feedback-4
Your essay addresses the topic well and discusses both the positive and negative
impacts of modern lifestyles. However, there are several areas where grammar,
vocabulary, and coherence can be improved. Below is feedback along with some
suggestions for improvement:
---
### **Introduction:**
- *Original:* "Many people hold the opinion that the modern lifestyles changed
our life in bad position. Others, however, disagree, thinking that the contemporary
lifestyle opened lots of way to our future."
- *Correction:* "Many people believe that modern lifestyles have negatively
impacted our lives. Others, however, disagree, arguing that contemporary lifestyles
have opened many opportunities for our future."
- *Reason:* The phrase "changed our life in bad position" is unnatural. "Negatively
impacted our lives" is more appropriate. Additionally, "opened lots of way" should
be "opened many opportunities" for better collocation.
### **Body Paragraph 1:**
- *Original:* "Some individuals believe that modern life reached peak us to the
new inovation and built our life into comfortable place."
- *Correction:* "Some individuals believe that modern life has led us to new
innovations and transformed our lives into more comfortable ones."
- *Reason:* "Reached peak us" is incorrect. "Has led us" is more natural, and "built
our life into comfortable place" should be "transformed our lives into more
comfortable ones."
- *Original:* "In addition that nowadays the new machine and equipment are
opening a lot of ways in our discovery and helping us take over planets or travel on
the space, as a result, in these days we are able to understand more shrouded in
mysteries in our planet and come up with the most dangeras viruses and bacteries."
- *Correction:* "Additionally, new machines and equipment are opening many
avenues for discovery, helping us explore planets and travel into space. As a result,
we are now better equipped to understand the mysteries of our planet and combat
dangerous viruses and bacteria."
- *Reason:* The original sentence has multiple grammatical errors and awkward
phrasing. The corrected version is more coherent and clear.
- *Original:* "In that case in the modern life we are able to get through easier than
our granddads and have more spare time to find out most of problems in global
wolrd."
- *Correction:* "In modern life, we are able to live more easily than our ancestors
and have more spare time to solve global problems."
- *Reason:* "Get through easier" is too informal; "live more easily" is more
appropriate. "Granddads" should be "ancestors," and "global wolrd" should be
"global problems."
### **Body Paragraph 2:**
- *Original:* "On the other hand the evolution in our lifestyle changed us in
negative way. In spite of having more free time we get less motivation to live than
inthe past."
- *Correction:* "On the other hand, the evolution of our lifestyle has changed us
negatively. Despite having more free time, we are less motivated to live than in the
past."
- *Reason:* "Changed us in negative way" should be "changed us negatively." "In
the past" should be separated correctly from "inthe past."
- *Original:* "For example, in then our ancestors were able to lift over 100 kg
weight and come against to the wild predators. One reason for why we can't do that
in now."
- *Correction:* "For example, our ancestors could lift over 100 kg and face wild
predators, which is something we struggle to do today."
- *Reason:* The original sentence is confusing and has errors like "in then" and
"come against to." The corrected version is clearer and more natural.
- *Original:* "As evidence of this, we are not able to think outside box and have
sense of community, we are in captivity of the rat race, we always compiting for
nonsense to be popular on social media."
- *Correction:* "As evidence of this, we struggle to think outside the box or
maintain a sense of community. We are trapped in the rat race, constantly
competing for meaningless popularity on social media."
- *Reason:* "Think outside box" should be "think outside the box," and
"compiting" should be "competing." The overall sentence flow is improved in the
correction.
### **Conclusion:**
- *Original:* "In short, I assume that even tough the mankind's priorities have
dicreased, even we are doing less movement than in past, we are still continuing
making progress in modern technolagy and keep going to the future."
- *Correction:* "In conclusion, although humanity’s priorities have declined and
we are less physically active than in the past, we continue to make progress in
modern technology and move toward the future."
- *Reason:* "Even tough" should be "even though," and "dicreased" should be
"declined." The phrasing has been improved for clarity.
- *Original:* "And I think, our modern lifestyle will not get in better way but, thus
our evolution will not get down and make a lot of comforts to our children."
- *Correction:* "I believe that while our modern lifestyle may not improve
significantly, our evolution will continue, bringing greater comfort to future
generations."
- *Reason:* The original phrasing is awkward and unclear. The corrected version is
more natural and coherent.
---
### **Overall Feedback:**
Your essay contains some strong points, but frequent grammar, vocabulary, and
coherence issues lower the overall clarity. Here's an estimated IELTS band score:
### **Task Response: 6.0**
- You address both sides of the argument and provide relevant examples. However,
some ideas are unclear due to language issues, which slightly reduces the
effectiveness of your response.
### **Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5**
- Your essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
However, linking words and sentence transitions could be smoother. The essay
occasionally loses coherence due to awkward phrasing and unclear sentences.
### **Lexical Resource: 5.5**
- You attempt to use a range of vocabulary, but there are frequent errors in word
choice and collocation ("compiting," "come against to," "in now"). Some expressions
are unnatural, affecting the clarity of your message.
### **Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5.0**
- There are many errors in grammar, including subject-verb agreement ("the lifestyle
changed us"), incorrect article usage, and incorrect word forms. These errors are
consistent and noticeable, which affects readability.
### **Overall Estimate: 5.5 to 6.0**
To improve your score, focus on mastering basic grammar rules, expanding your
vocabulary with accurate collocations, and practicing more natural sentence
structures. This will help you convey your ideas more clearly and effectively.
Feedback-5
Original:
One of the most pressing causing the children's socialization today is high levels of
violance in films.
Improved:
One of the most pressing issues affecting children's socialization today is the high
level of violence in films.
Reason:
Corrected "pressing causing" to "pressing issues affecting" for clarity. Fixed the
spelling of "violance" to "violence." "High levels" changed to "high level" to match
singular subject.
---
Original:
One of the leading causes of social problems is lots of violance in films, which has led
to kids avoid from the soical life and aspect to the reality.
Improved:
One of the leading causes of social problems is the large amount of violence in films,
which has led kids to avoid social life and disconnect from reality.
Reason:
Corrected "lots of" to "large amount of" for a more formal tone. Fixed "violance" to
"violence" and "soical" to "social." Rephrased "avoid from the social life and aspect
to the reality" to "avoid social life and disconnect from reality" for clarity.
---
Original:
As we can see that most of film organizations are trying to get more customers by
producing plenty of actions and fightings, without paying attantion what will cause to
our next generations.
Improved:
Most film organizations are trying to attract more customers by producing lots of
action and fighting scenes, without paying attention to the impact on future
generations.
Reason:
Removed unnecessary "As we can see that" for conciseness. Changed "producing
plenty of actions and fightings" to "producing lots of action and fighting scenes" for
better phrasing. Fixed "attantion" to "attention" and clarified "what will cause" to
"the impact."
---
Original:
In addition, the characters in the movies show that to resolve the probelms you
should hit the evil insted of speak with him diplomatically.
Improved:
In addition, the characters in movies show that to resolve problems, you should hit
the villain instead of speaking with him diplomatically.
Reason:
Corrected "probelms" to "problems" and "insted" to "instead." Replaced "evil" with
"villain" for clarity.
---
Original:
Thus nowadays in most of schools we can find a number of bulling and abusing.
Improved:
Thus, nowadays, in many schools, we can find a lot of bullying and abuse.
Reason:
Added commas for correct punctuation. Corrected "bulling" to "bullying" and
"abusing" to "abuse" for the correct noun form. "Most of schools" changed to "many
schools" for smoother phrasing.
---
Original:
For resolving those problems the government has to reduce the prducing films which
some what for kids and control the censorship in it.
Improved:
To resolve these problems, the government has to reduce the production of films
intended for children and strengthen censorship.
Reason:
Rephrased "For resolving" to "To resolve" for proper grammar. Corrected "prducing"
to "production." Rephrased "some what for kids" to "intended for children" for
clarity.
---
Original:
The plenty of movies that comes are from other countries these days, as a result it
charges to government.
Improved:
Many of the movies come from other countries these days, which puts pressure on
the government.
Reason:
Replaced "The plenty of" with "Many of" for smoother phrasing. Changed "charges
to government" to "puts pressure on the government" for clearer meaning.
---
Original:
Not only the goverenment should take care for kids, but parents need to control
their children.
Improved:
Not only should the government take care of children, but parents also need to
monitor their kids.
Reason:
Rephrased for smoother sentence structure and corrected "take care for" to "take
care of." "Control" was changed to "monitor" to better fit the context.
---
Original:
Moreover the main role in children's live plays parents.
Improved:
Moreover, parents play the main role in children's lives.
Reason:
Rephrased for proper word order and corrected "live" to "lives."
---
Original:
In conclusion, I think that the violance we are blaming it not consist on the movies,
the main problem is we are.
Improved:
In conclusion, I think that the violence we are blaming does not come solely from
movies; the main problem is us.
Reason:
Corrected "violance" to "violence." Rephrased "we are blaming it not consist on" to
"we are blaming does not come solely from" for clarity. Changed "the main problem
is we are" to "the main problem is us" for proper grammar.
---
Original:
Children that demonstrating their character not only come from the films.
Improved:
Children who demonstrate certain behaviors do not learn them only from films.
Reason:
Rephrased for clarity and corrected the grammar of the original sentence.
---
Original:
Furthermore from their parents and their condition where they are live.
Improved:
They also learn from their parents and the environment in which they live.
Reason:
Rephrased for clarity and corrected awkward phrasing.
---
Original:
If parents get more attention for their kids, they will grow more specific for their life
and their behavior to other people.
Improved:
If parents pay more attention to their kids, they will grow to be more responsible in
their lives and behavior toward others.
Reason:
Changed "get more attention for" to "pay more attention to" for clearer meaning.
Rephrased "more specific for their life and their behavior" to "more responsible in
their lives and behavior" for clarity and correct usage.
