WHAT ARE
PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy
boundaries can say "no" to others when they want to, but are also comfortable opening themselves up to
intimacy and close relationships.
A person who always keeps others at a distance (whether emotionally, physically, or otherwise) is said to
have rigid boundaries. Alternatively, someone who tends to get too involved with others has porous
boundaries.
RIGID BOUNDARIES POROUS BOUNDARIES HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Avoids intimacy and closeness. Overshares personal information. Values own opinions.
Unlikely to ask for help. Difficulty saying "no" to requests. Doesn’t compromise values.
Has few close friends. Overinvolved in others’ problems. Shares personal information in an
appropriate way (doesn’t over or under
Very protective of personal information. Dependent on the opinions of others. share).
May seem detached. Accepting of abuse or disrespect. Knows personal wants and needs, and is
able to communicate them.
Keeps others at a distance to avoid Fears rejection if they do not comply
rejection. with others. Accepting when others say "no" to them.
WHAT TO SAY
You always have the right to say "no". When doing so, express yourself clearly and without ambiguity so
there is no doubt about what you want.
"I’M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS" "PLEASE DON’T DO THAT TO ME" "I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT"
"THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE" "THIS DOESN’T WORK FOR ME" "I’VE DECIDED NOT TO"
"I CAN’T DO THAT FOR YOU" "I’M DRAWING THE LINE AT ------" "NOT THIS TIME"
WHAT TO DO
USE CONFIDENT BODY LANGUAGE BE RESPECTFUL
Face the other person, make eye contact, and Avoid yelling, using put-downs, or giving the
use a steady tone of voice at an appropriate silent treatment. Be firm, but your message
volume (not too quiet, not too loud). will be better received if you are respectful.
PLAN AHEAD COMPROMISE
Think about what you want to say, and how you When appropriate, listen and consider the
will say it, before entering a difficult discussion. needs of the other person. You never have to
This can help you feel more confident about compromise, but give-and-take is part of any
your position. healthy relationship.
Information from 2016 Therapist Aid LLC
TYPES OF
BOUNDARIES
Physical boundaries refer to personal space and physical touch. Healthy physical
boundaries include an awareness of what’s appropriate, and what’s not, in various settings
and types of relationships (hug, shake hands, or kiss?). Physical boundaries may be violated
if someone touches you when you don’t want them to, or when they invade your personal
space (for example, rummaging through your bedroom).
Intellectual boundaries refer to thoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectual boundaries
include respect for others’ ideas and an awareness of appropriate discussion (should we
talk about the weather, or politics?). Intellectual boundaries are violated when someone
dismisses or belittles another person’s thoughts or ideas.
Emotional boundaries refer to a person’s feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries include
limitations on when to share, and when not to share, personal information. For example,
gradually sharing personal information during the development of a relationship, as
opposed to revealing everything to someone. Emotional boundaries are violated when
someone criticizes, belittles, or invalidates another person’s feelings.
Sexual boundaries refer to the emotional intellectual, and physical aspects of sexuality.
Healthy sexual boundaries involve more than mutual understanding and respect of
limitations and desires between sexual partners. Sexual boundaries can be violated with
unwanted sexual touch, pressure to engage in sexual acts, leering, or sexual comments.
Material boundaries refer to money or possessions. Healthy material boundaries involve
setting limits on what you will share, and with whom. For example, it may be appropriate to
lend a car to a family member, but probably not to someone you met this morning. Material
boundaries are violated when someone steals or damages another person’s possessions, or
when they pressure them to give or lend them their possessions.
Time boundaries refer to how a person uses their time. To have healthy time boundaries, a
person must set aside enough time for each facet of their life such as work, relationships,
and hobbies. Time boundaries are violated when another person demands too much of
another’s time.
Information from 2016 Therapist Aid LLC
