The snow's falling harder than it did last year And it's dark and it's windy out, can't help but reminisce on that old winter When everything came undone Horns on my head like some candy-assed devil Something inhuman or something that's human, not quite Some kind of monster Tracing over faded battle scars gently, will I be doing this for the rest of my life? Dunno that we'll ever stop I've had to do plenty of things I'm not proud of to survive, I don't think that I regret any of it I was trapped in my own mind I don't write lovesongs so I'll just write hatesongs About all these big ugly feelings I keep close to my chest Used to think I had nothing to lose until everything that I loved fell out from underneath me I felt nothing, but god we felt everything Splintered and fractured and broke up our hearts, our souls to shreds Clawed our way back out the world that we fell in two, together In tears, at night all alone, stuck in a room in an apartment five stories up that never felt like a home, provided by lusus naturae who only cared to manipulate And I think to myself oh I think to myself This all could have been stopped But I have been trained like a dog to wait for a savior who won't come I know now there are no heroes in our bleak world The only illusion you sought to defend Is the only one that I could never fully comprehend Our family wasn't, has never been, couldn't and won't ever be normal And I think to myself oh I think to myself And I never stop thinking oh my god it fucking hurts I'm constantly breaking, god it's getting so loud in here And I think to myself oh I think to myself I'm so detached And I didn't know how bad it was until just now I think I'm alright, I think I've got work to do Don't ask me the questions you know that I don't have the answers to Emotionally stunted, we've been made to run 'round in circles for you From now on, we refuse to repeat this cycle of violence for you I think I'll be fine, I'm sorry if I've hurt you I wasn't quite sure of just what the hell that I was supposed to do I'd been told my whole life that love worked in one way, one that totally led me astray and some of The things that I had to do to survive just ended up hurting you I'm so fucked up! No more heroes, I've no more heroes left to kill

I'm sorry that I came home Smelling like cigarettes Someone got on top of the parking garage and they tried to jump off at school today I had to relieve some stress But the pigs were all about So I pulled out a cigarette, tried to ignore the all the screams ringing out from 50 feet away I'm just not built for this shit I forgot to brush my teeth Before I went in to work So I took out the most bitter gum that I own and I chewed it until I couldn't take the taste anymore And I brought my mace So if somebody follows me Like that one time, instead of actually hurting somebody, I can just spray and run the fuck away I'm just not built for this world I'm just not made from this Earth This place is collapsing, can't you see? And every day the city sinks just a little more And nobody really knows how much time we have left At the end of everything, you'll hold on to anything I don't wanna cause alarm I don't feel like this is gonna work I don't wanna cause alarm But we can all feel the end times coming We don't wanna make a scene It feels like we're on the brink of full collapse Buildings are toppling, they're building mass grave sites For everyone, everyone, everybody's gonna fucking die It's the end of the world It's the end of the world It's the end of the world It's the end of the world for a whole lot of regular people This whole thing's gonna mean that they die For a whole lotta horrible people Everything is going to be fine For a whole lot of innocent people Their lives have been put on the line Generations of lifetimes of people Put to an end, all for the bottom line I'm sorry that I came home Smelling like cigarettes I promise I won't relapse It's not happening again I feel like a total jerk I think I'm a complete wreck I wanna go back in time I wanna go fix this mess (backing vocals) Good and evil's so subjective Can't help thinking I'm defective Everything we do will someday rot up on the shelf Nothing's perfect nothing's golden It all ends, but something holds on At the end of everything, we hold onto what's left

I've got nothing to say to you I can't look at you, not after all you did Cause the way that you scare me Is the same way those voices do And the walls come down and I hear what's up and I can't Start to think of the ways that I thought that I trusted you I'm embarrassed to have ever considered you a friend Someone I thought of as a brother, now to me is only dead You knew what the consequence would be You knew exactly what you were doing, and you're not listening to course-correct You know it's not right, but that never seemed to stop you You'd weaponize the language of the abused, use it against them Every rabid dog goes and gets what's due You're Old Yeller, and I'm afraid of dogs and my rifle's out and I've got an itchy trigger finger And I've heard what's up and it's all your fault and I can't And I can't start to think of the ways that I trusted you And I'm tired of living knowing everything that I know Cause it's all too much, yeah it's all too much I can't I hope whoever's holding you chokes you in your sleep

What do we have to talk about now? How do I sum up the last five years in a way that's both coherent-at-all and more substantial than "good, and you?" You deserve much more than that. I used to tell you everything, but now the best that I can do is "oh hey! Yeah, I've been doing my best, I can't complain about too much. How about you? How's your new job been going? I'll see you around!" Let's both be honest with ourselves, most circumstances now have changed. We're different people than we were (then). And I will always care about you. And I cherish my time with you. But I can't pretend to know, no I can't pretend to know you.

How do I tell you I love you but I fear you? Push away, maintain my space, once inseparable, now a stranger's face How do I tell you I miss you but I can't be near you? Isolate, isolate, I can't remember if I don't see your face How do I tell you that I don't wanna see you? We had our fun, I've gotta run. Please, take care. I'm so tired of digging up old memories long buried in backyards where I was all too fucked up and tired of my whole life. I feel so fucking useless when I try think about this. I think I might be fucked up from everything that I loved. When I was just a teenaged faerie, the people I knew were scared of me, and I think I'm too far too gone to care about it all now. Police people you think are causing you discomfort. It's so inconsiderate, you become the shit that you hate. I've been so judgmental and thrown stones from glass houses. If you could all only see, you're all now blind as I've been, and given that’s been over for several odd years now I'm free from all you fuckers, please don't come round again.

I've spent so long being fractured I don't even know how to explain where I've been and what I've done My life is always out of order, I can only remember hair colors and the weather And the music I was listening to back then My brain's a mess, yeah, there was so much stress that I broke and split and became nonhuman There's a weird place inside of my head that only I know about and it's filled with dead things And old characters I made when I was just a teenager and didn't know better bout dissociation And all of the seizures and all of the meds that I took that did nothing cuz I was too fat I've been feeling metastable I feel like I need a break And it's not like we've figured everything out about this! The doctors don't even know what the cause is or where it comes from or why it exists in the first place But we do know we feel way better like this And we run out of fingers trying to count the times clinical psychiatry has failed us Cuz it breaks you and takes from you, hyperbolizing everything minor thing while ignoring the bigger scene Post-trauma and every ounce of abuse I experienced broke me and split me down Into the fragments that you see before you and we don't know if you're afraid of us now Despite the fact that we've been like this the whole time or at least as far as memory serves Please don't run away from me now We've been feeling metastable We feel like we're gonna break We've been feeling so unstable Can't think about anything Anything at all We're all just ideas in space We've been going metastable Rampancy's our daily life My head's swimming through ideaspace I'd like a break

I don't want sex I just wanna be with you for the night I think we might be freaking out too much to sleep alone Have you ever felt your head split? Have you ever been walking around and known Perspective from behind the back or cameras on the wall All my life I have been out of my mind Raise hell! Raise hell! Hallelujah! Stood between two mirrors you will understand me exactly as I've been I don't need friends At least not the ones that I'm stuck with now I wake up every day and think about How much I hate every human I know But there are some exceptions And I think you're an exception that makes the rule But there are no exceptions, there are no excuses when it comes to me All my life I have felt out of my mind Raise hell, praise Dale! Hallelujah! I have been a cultist, I see now, nobody here's a saint And the places I have been do bear some harsh scars, the stock car graveyards Sometimes that's just what happens when you're figuring out your parts I see the comets falling down by clear blue sky And the ghost of my cat hovers right above the porch step Even if I'm the one to blame, even if I'm just insane I don't think I'll ever stop running I caused this life to fall apart that year in high school It was all my fault, I'm claiming everything, and I wouldn't change it for the world I destroyed my family and I do not regret it I didn't intend to, it just kinda happened, but it wasn’t something that I could prevent And the way things were going, something had to give Something had to give And the memories fade and the blurriness subsides And the destination isn't known to the people still inside And may this journey fall besides our scattered pasts entwined into a fable so surreal it could not possibly be (of this life. / true. Two roads diverged in a yellow-)

I was over it but I'm not anymore I was coping fine, but I'm not anymore I was manic beyond belief but more emotionally stable I was panicking every time I left the house but I was able To go to work and face the music To go to work and try to care This trauma won't haunt me forever, but that doesn't mean that it just isn't there Vampire, I stay in and hide Cause I know just what'll happen when I step in direct view of piercing sunlight, I'll die But, oh god, really I'm afraid someone who I barely knew in high school Will make awkward eye contact with me, they'll say hello, how are you, how's school They'll ask me where I go to college I'll feel so sick I'll puke right there And god, it's not unrealistic, every morning I'm already halfway there from the stress I feel like I'm wasting my time Trying to make these emotions rhyme Cuz they're all so discordant and all so disjointed That it never really comes out right And I feel like all of my past lives Are disconnected from my timeline And I don't think about 'em, cause some of them were assholes And I don't remember half that shite And I feel like a fraud when I try to talk about all of the things I really feel I've been so mistreated that I can't even really trust the things I know are real I don't know that I'll ever find peace or sanity, I think this is how I've always been Everything that you did to break me makes me feel like I should just fucking quit this life And I feel this til I fall asleep In my love's gentle jaws I don't think I've ever touched real ground, I don't think that this ever ends My head's still abuzz with thoughts Our electrical signal is always on Gently rending lightning from my fingertips My tears differ in anaglyph

Darkness, and the rising chill of uncertainty I have never felt quite this free before Darkness, and the feeling of the cool breeze upon my skin I have never felt quite like this before Darkness, and the rising chill of uncertainty I don't need to understand anymore, I just want to let go Darkness, and the feeling of the cool breeze upon my skin This is exactly the way, at precisely this moment, that things were meant to happen I know I change a lot these days, it seems as though it is my fate I'm trying to keep myself together through the shriek of this cold weather I know I change a lot these days, maybe I've always been this way I'm trying to keep myselves together through the sting of this bleak winter I turned off the machine that was controlling me And things got easier and now my mind is free I destroyed the machine that was controlling me And things got better and now I'm feelin' me :) I turned off the machine that was controlling me And I got better and smarter and now I feel so free Yeah, I broke the machine that was controlling me And I'm cooler and smarter and now I feel This is exactly the way, at precisely this moment, that things were meant to happen I know I change a lot these days, it seems as though it is my fate I'm trying to keep myself together through the shriek of this cold weather I know I change a lot these days, maybe I've always been this way I'm trying to keep myselves together through the sting of this bleak winter I know I change a lot these days, and it gets harder every day I'm trying to keep myself together through the darkness of the winter I know I change a lot these days, and I don't think I'll ever change I'm struggling to keep myselves together through this isolation It keeps happening, I die again

Send me an arkbuilder Send me a stormchaser Send me a dark winter Send me a code breaker Lay out the peat moss down in neat straight rows Line the windows with newspaper Send for the wagons laden with supplies Send me an oathbreaker Send the wind, send the wind Send the wind down Send the wind, send the wind Send the wind down Send me an arkbuilder I will be his assistant I’ll cut the lumber into even pieces Siren songs grow dissonant Send me an arkbuilder I will be his bride I’ll give him shelter, he may give me warmth One of every insecurity inside Send the wind, send the wind Send the wind down Send the wind, send the wind Send the wind down It came from deep beneath the permafrost (what a shame) Taking the form of every fight you’ve lost (what a shame) Where there once grew a different kind of moss (what a shame) A burning pentecost It came from deep beneath the permafrost (what a shame) Taking the form of every fight you’ve lost (what a shame) Where there once grew a different kind of moss (what a shame) A burning (sha-a-a-ame, sha-a-a-ame, sha-a-a-ame) Someone who loved you went and hurt you like they had been before Another reason to recede from view and walk out the door The endless trauma-cycle splits you out and now you've reborn With all the demons that are eating at your innocent core Somebody said they loved you while holding the blade to your throat They won't acknowledge all the pain they rended unto your soul And nothing makes sense and you're nothing if not always ignored And it'll take all your life to try and settle the score Send the wind, send the wind, send the wind Send the wind, send the wind, send the wind Send the wind, send the wind, send the wind Send the wind, send the wind, send it down, down, down on me

PART 1 It's been two days since the three year anniversary of your death And I am still, despite everything I have tried, not over it I can't believe that I'm still here I can't believe how much I've changed I am, despite everything, still "me", but I've mutated Into something unpredictable and prone to mutilation Of the self and I'm afraid the blast will take out everybody that I love Like how it did when you went, driving in Montana Going eighty on the freeway in your van going to college It's been one week since I woke up at a time prior to 4pm The only places I have been are home and work and home again And I am tired of the same three days I go to the field to smoke my feelings out and the corner store to eat them And the fucked up thing about it is that it serves as some kind of break From all the mourning that I'm doing, feeling like complete total shit And when no one else is around and no coyotes are crashing in I talk to you and pretend that you still exist as I look at the stars You were the first to tell us about the matrix And hell we listened cuz we could already tell something was wrong And the worst part about it all is that I knew how far I'd fall The worst feeling in the world, another fear of yours confirmed 'cause it's just another reason to get hurt And I will always miss you And I will never forget your name And I will always love you But there's a war going on inside my brain And so I must forget you But I'll still carry on And care for all the memories you left with me now you're gone I remember how they all laughed when I told them about the end I remember how they treated me as if I was a man I don't really wanna talk to you people anymore. I remember as a young teenager seeing Cara Cunningham I remember how she looked so happy in her wig and dress And I remember how she looked dead inside when she had to detransition And I remember that she looked more alive when she was crying on the bathroom floor than smiling like a stranger* Was like looking at a mirror Oh I could see myself clearer, oh It's so cold, it's so cold, it's the coldest night Please don't go, please don't go, please don't say goodbye I shouldn't have to mother myself now But I've got to because you left all the pieces of me behind But it's not like I had a choice You've got me stunted, I'm so broken and you're never gonna get me repaired You're never gonna get me repaired Like I'm just some broken doll to replace Thinking that I should point out the spade. I have led a life of pain inside the freakshow in my brain Inside my head and now I'm free, we left the ringmaster last spring Or did that happen months before? Or did that happen years ago? When did I come into existence? When was my consciousness formed? What was that child like who lived here? Why did they go and kill their self? It went and happened oh so long ago I don't know if we're what they left I just know something awful happened and now we're kinda broken up The children born from all this violence will someday come seek real love in their lives PART 2 Even if all hope is lost, I'll never stop the fight I'm gonna keep on running, power's part of my named right And part of me Whether I want it to be Whether I need it to be Whether it's okay to be a perfect weapon of pure destruction in a time like this Bad wolf, I cried, and it answered and made her whole again And the world became the way it always was Even if I died for nothing, I came back alright I'm starting to accept that this will always be my life From this point on Whether I want it to be Whether I need it to be Whether it's okay to be a false immortal. I can't stop dying all of the time, all of the time Bad wolf, I cried, and I broke up and split up and flailed about And the world became the way it always was I think my childhood is over now for real this time But the people we used to know never changed They never grew up, they stayed the same Still stuck in the mindset from their old ways From the place there that tortured them at that age And the guilt from it all starts to suffocate Me when I start thinking too hard cuz I enabled All that shit when I was just a fucking stupid teenager When I swore that I knew better that time And the places we used to go, they will change But the way that they tortured us still remains It's baked into the pavement but they don't care 'bout the body count cause it's intentional Not a bug, but a feature, it's criminal The way we force all our lives into schedules Of arbitrary work hours so we can live at all I wanna make something good of myself I can make something good, something good, god fucking dammit And it's starting to look like I'm not alone in my dysfunctional relationship with myself And it's starting to look like we're not alone in feeling like we're all just living in hell And it's starting to look like I'm not alone in my less than ideal relationships with my selves And it's starting to look like we're not alone in feeling like this world is going to hell Going to hell Going to hell Going to hell

I threw my whole life into cardboard boxes Nearly twenty years, nearly two decades of living on foreign land The world's different, so am I and it scares me, god damn I'm confused I'm just trying to find a way to hold on This world gets ever more dangerous the longer that I'm alive I'm afraid of living here, but won't say goodbye Ok, world, go ahead and do your worst, because I won't comply I don't know if we'll ever really get better, all I know is that it's careless not to try I've had this dream here so many times I'm eighteen or something, somewhere outside our house right next to a bright red corvette drop-top And I look like a 60s French model And I get in the car and I turn it on And I just start driving and I don't stop I just start leaving home There's power in depiction of a memory Everything I've said is just my point of view But fuck it, I've been told my memory's wrong more times than I can count After a while, it all just started to break down Now I can't remember anything important from any of the years that you were around And I know you're not wholly to blame but you were all that I had And you betrayed me so many times I'll never trust again Stop pretending I didn't want to run away every day I spent living in your company Don't wait ahead, 'cause I'm leaving town Need to get the hell out of here Nothing's here for me but my job, and my family, and the people who deadname us 'cause they haven't seen me in years I don't wanna be leaving town Without saying goodbye But you know that I hate goodbyes, like I'm some kind of rogue Texan, so I'll just say that I forget you. Ok, world, go ahead and do your worst, because I just did mine Now, that I've found you, you're gonna help me do what I should have done years ago - take care of every piece of fragmentation that still persists in mind So go ahead and call me crazy again Go ahead and call us insane Go ahead and call me a faggot, a tranny, a schizo, use all of your hexes against me Go ahead and call the police on me Like all the times you threatened you'd do When we were simply having a breakdown and screaming and crying and doing things all autistic kids do I locked myself in my room again This time we will not come out Even when you were screaming out my true name, banging on the door, making me feel ashamed Swear I'll never touch cigarettes again This time I wanna stay clean This time we wanna not panic, not get so neurotic, not feel like we're only ever to blame Maybe this plane ain't as bad as it seems Maybe this world's not forsaken Maybe your species will actually live through your world crumbling all around from the shit that you've been Maybe this isn't over Maybe this timeline's not doomed Perhaps, oh, the end isn't nigh, or just now, it's quite a ways off, and you've made vaporware of it too Maybe someday we'll forgive you for real And maybe someday you'll deserve it Maybe someday we'll have listed out everything fucked up that you ever did to deserve this estrangement Maybe this world's as bad as it seems And maybe this world is forsaken I don't think I really care anymore, I've got nothing to lose, and I know that for sure, cause' the end happens all of the time Ok, world, go ahead and do your worst, because I just did mine I've been so lost and led astray by everything that broke me up but now I feel alive It felt like we'd never be happy again until we cut those ties When I was fourteen, I had zero hope left, I would look in the mirror until I could shed a tear, stare at the ugliness plastered upon us. That face says it all. My face says it all. I can't feel. (The world's gonna turn against us) I can't feel, I can't feel, I can't feel. (The world's already against us) We can't feel, we can't feel, we can't feel anything at all. Cave my own face in trying to prove to myself that I'm not just some hollow shell. Are we already in hell?