1. |
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The snow's falling harder than it did last year
And it's dark and it's windy out, can't help but reminisce on that old winter
When everything came undone
Horns on my head like some candy-assed devil
Something inhuman or something that's human, not quite
Some kind of monster
Tracing over faded battle scars gently, will I be doing this for the rest of my life?
Dunno that we'll ever stop
I've had to do plenty of things I'm not proud of to survive, I don't think that I regret any of it
I was trapped in my own mind
I don't write lovesongs so I'll just write hatesongs
About all these big ugly feelings I keep close to my chest
Used to think I had nothing to lose until everything that I loved fell out from underneath me
I felt nothing, but god we felt everything
Splintered and fractured and broke up our hearts, our souls to shreds
Clawed our way back out the world that we fell in two, together
In tears, at night all alone, stuck in a room in an apartment five stories up that never felt like a home, provided by lusus naturae who only cared to manipulate
And I think to myself oh I think to myself
This all could have been stopped
But I have been trained like a dog to wait for a savior who won't come
I know now there are no heroes in our bleak world
The only illusion you sought to defend
Is the only one that I could never fully comprehend
Our family wasn't, has never been, couldn't and won't ever be normal
And I think to myself oh I think to myself
And I never stop thinking oh my god it fucking hurts
I'm constantly breaking, god it's getting so loud in here
And I think to myself oh I think to myself
I'm so detached
And I didn't know how bad it was until just now
I think I'm alright, I think I've got work to do
Don't ask me the questions you know that I don't have the answers to
Emotionally stunted, we've been made to run 'round in circles for you
From now on, we refuse to repeat this cycle of violence for you
I think I'll be fine, I'm sorry if I've hurt you
I wasn't quite sure of just what the hell that I was supposed to do
I'd been told my whole life that love worked in one way, one that totally led me astray and some of
The things that I had to do to survive just ended up hurting you
I'm so fucked up!
No more heroes, I've no more heroes left to kill
|
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2. |
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I'm sorry that I came home
Smelling like cigarettes
Someone got on top of the parking garage and they tried to jump off at school today
I had to relieve some stress
But the pigs were all about
So I pulled out a cigarette, tried to ignore the all the screams ringing out from 50 feet away
I'm just not built for this shit
I forgot to brush my teeth
Before I went in to work
So I took out the most bitter gum that I own and I chewed it until I couldn't take the taste anymore
And I brought my mace
So if somebody follows me
Like that one time, instead of actually hurting somebody, I can just spray and run the fuck away
I'm just not built for this world
I'm just not made from this Earth
This place is collapsing, can't you see?
And every day the city sinks just a little more
And nobody really knows how much time we have left
At the end of everything, you'll hold on to anything
I don't wanna cause alarm
I don't feel like this is gonna work
I don't wanna cause alarm
But we can all feel the end times coming
We don't wanna make a scene
It feels like we're on the brink of full collapse
Buildings are toppling, they're building mass grave sites
For everyone, everyone, everybody's gonna fucking die
It's the end of the world
It's the end of the world
It's the end of the world
It's the end of the world
for a whole lot of regular people
This whole thing's gonna mean that they die
For a whole lotta horrible people
Everything is going to be fine
For a whole lot of innocent people
Their lives have been put on the line
Generations of lifetimes of people
Put to an end, all for the bottom line
I'm sorry that I came home
Smelling like cigarettes
I promise I won't relapse
It's not happening again
I feel like a total jerk
I think I'm a complete wreck
I wanna go back in time
I wanna go fix this mess
(backing vocals)
Good and evil's so subjective
Can't help thinking I'm defective
Everything we do will someday rot up on the shelf
Nothing's perfect nothing's golden
It all ends, but something holds on
At the end of everything, we hold onto what's left
|
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3. |
||||
I've got nothing to say to you
I can't look at you, not after all you did
Cause the way that you scare me
Is the same way those voices do
And the walls come down and I hear what's up and I can't
Start to think of the ways that I thought that I trusted you
I'm embarrassed to have ever considered you a friend
Someone I thought of as a brother, now to me is only dead
You knew what the consequence would be
You knew exactly what you were doing, and you're not listening to course-correct
You know it's not right, but that never seemed to stop you
You'd weaponize the language of the abused, use it against them
Every rabid dog goes and gets what's due
You're Old Yeller, and I'm afraid of dogs and my rifle's out and I've got an itchy trigger finger
And I've heard what's up and it's all your fault and I can't
And I can't start to think of the ways that I trusted you
And I'm tired of living knowing everything that I know
Cause it's all too much, yeah it's all too much I can't
I hope whoever's holding you chokes you in your sleep
|
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4. |
Old Friend
03:38
|
|||
What do we have to talk about now? How do I sum up the last five years in a way that's both coherent-at-all and more substantial than "good, and you?" You deserve much more than that. I used to tell you everything, but now the best that I can do is "oh hey! Yeah, I've been doing my best, I can't complain about too much. How about you? How's your new job been going? I'll see you around!" Let's both be honest with ourselves, most circumstances now have changed. We're different people than we were (then). And I will always care about you. And I cherish my time with you. But I can't pretend to know, no I can't pretend to know you.
|
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5. |
||||
How do I tell you I love you but I fear you?
Push away, maintain my space, once inseparable, now a stranger's face
How do I tell you I miss you but I can't be near you?
Isolate, isolate, I can't remember if I don't see your face
How do I tell you that I don't wanna see you?
We had our fun, I've gotta run. Please, take care.
I'm so tired of digging up old memories long buried in backyards where I was all too fucked up and tired of my whole life.
I feel so fucking useless when I try think about this. I think I might be fucked up from everything that I loved.
When I was just a teenaged faerie, the people I knew were scared of me, and I think I'm too far too gone to care about it all now.
Police people you think are causing you discomfort. It's so inconsiderate, you become the shit that you hate.
I've been so judgmental and thrown stones from glass houses. If you could all only see, you're all now blind as I've been, and given that’s been over for several odd years now I'm free from all you fuckers, please don't come round again.
|
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6. |
||||
I've spent so long being fractured
I don't even know how to explain where I've been and what I've done
My life is always out of order, I can only remember hair colors and the weather
And the music I was listening to back then
My brain's a mess, yeah, there was so much stress that
I broke and split and became nonhuman
There's a weird place inside of my head that only I know about and it's filled with dead things
And old characters I made when I was just a teenager and didn't know better bout dissociation
And all of the seizures and all of the meds that I took that did nothing cuz I was too fat
I've been feeling metastable
I feel like I need a break
And it's not like we've figured everything out about this!
The doctors don't even know what the cause is or where it comes from or why it exists in the first place
But we do know we feel way better like this
And we run out of fingers trying to count the times clinical psychiatry has failed us
Cuz it breaks you and takes from you, hyperbolizing everything minor thing while ignoring the bigger scene
Post-trauma and every ounce of abuse I experienced broke me and split me down
Into the fragments that you see before you and we don't know if you're afraid of us now
Despite the fact that we've been like this the whole time or at least as far as memory serves
Please don't run away from me now
We've been feeling metastable
We feel like we're gonna break
We've been feeling so unstable
Can't think about anything
Anything at all
We're all just ideas in space
We've been going metastable
Rampancy's our daily life
My head's swimming through ideaspace
I'd like a break
|
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7. |
||||
I don't want sex
I just wanna be with you for the night
I think we might be freaking out too much to sleep alone
Have you ever felt your head split?
Have you ever been walking around and known
Perspective from behind the back or cameras on the wall
All my life I have been out of my mind
Raise hell! Raise hell! Hallelujah!
Stood between two mirrors you will understand me exactly as I've been
I don't need friends
At least not the ones that I'm stuck with now
I wake up every day and think about
How much I hate every human I know
But there are some exceptions
And I think you're an exception that makes the rule
But there are no exceptions, there are no excuses when it comes to me
All my life I have felt out of my mind
Raise hell, praise Dale! Hallelujah!
I have been a cultist, I see now, nobody here's a saint
And the places I have been do bear some harsh scars, the stock car graveyards
Sometimes that's just what happens when you're figuring out your parts
I see the comets falling down by clear blue sky
And the ghost of my cat hovers right above the porch step
Even if I'm the one to blame, even if I'm just insane
I don't think I'll ever stop running
I caused this life to fall apart that year in high school
It was all my fault, I'm claiming everything, and I wouldn't change it for the world
I destroyed my family and I do not regret it
I didn't intend to, it just kinda happened, but it wasn’t something that I could prevent
And the way things were going, something had to give
Something had to give
And the memories fade and the blurriness subsides
And the destination isn't known to the people still inside
And may this journey fall besides our scattered pasts entwined into a fable so surreal it could not possibly be (of this life. / true. Two roads diverged in a yellow-)
|
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8. |
||||
I was over it but I'm not anymore
I was coping fine, but I'm not anymore
I was manic beyond belief but more emotionally stable
I was panicking every time I left the house but I was able
To go to work and face the music
To go to work and try to care
This trauma won't haunt me forever, but that doesn't mean that it just isn't there
Vampire, I stay in and hide
Cause I know just what'll happen when I step in direct view of piercing sunlight, I'll die
But, oh god, really I'm afraid someone who I barely knew in high school
Will make awkward eye contact with me, they'll say hello, how are you, how's school
They'll ask me where I go to college
I'll feel so sick I'll puke right there
And god, it's not unrealistic, every morning I'm already halfway there from the stress
I feel like I'm wasting my time
Trying to make these emotions rhyme
Cuz they're all so discordant and all so disjointed
That it never really comes out right
And I feel like all of my past lives
Are disconnected from my timeline
And I don't think about 'em, cause some of them were assholes
And I don't remember half that shite
And I feel like a fraud when I try to talk about all of the things I really feel
I've been so mistreated that I can't even really trust the things I know are real
I don't know that I'll ever find peace or sanity, I think this is how I've always been
Everything that you did to break me makes me feel like I should just fucking quit this life
And I feel this til I fall asleep
In my love's gentle jaws
I don't think I've ever touched real ground, I don't think that this ever ends
My head's still abuzz with thoughts
Our electrical signal is always on
Gently rending lightning from my fingertips
My tears differ in anaglyph
|
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9. |
I Died (Again)
08:19
|
|||
Darkness, and the rising chill of uncertainty
I have never felt quite this free before
Darkness, and the feeling of the cool breeze upon my skin
I have never felt quite like this before
Darkness, and the rising chill of uncertainty
I don't need to understand anymore, I just want to let go
Darkness, and the feeling of the cool breeze upon my skin
This is exactly the way, at precisely this moment, that things were meant to happen
I know I change a lot these days, it seems as though it is my fate
I'm trying to keep myself together through the shriek of this cold weather
I know I change a lot these days, maybe I've always been this way
I'm trying to keep myselves together through the sting of this bleak winter
I turned off the machine that was controlling me
And things got easier and now my mind is free
I destroyed the machine that was controlling me
And things got better and now I'm feelin' me :)
I turned off the machine that was controlling me
And I got better and smarter and now I feel so free
Yeah, I broke the machine that was controlling me
And I'm cooler and smarter and now I feel
This is exactly the way, at precisely this moment, that things were meant to happen
I know I change a lot these days, it seems as though it is my fate
I'm trying to keep myself together through the shriek of this cold weather
I know I change a lot these days, maybe I've always been this way
I'm trying to keep myselves together through the sting of this bleak winter
I know I change a lot these days, and it gets harder every day
I'm trying to keep myself together through the darkness of the winter
I know I change a lot these days, and I don't think I'll ever change
I'm struggling to keep myselves together through this isolation
It keeps happening, I die again
|
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10. |
||||
Send me an arkbuilder
Send me a stormchaser
Send me a dark winter
Send me a code breaker
Lay out the peat moss down in neat straight rows
Line the windows with newspaper
Send for the wagons laden with supplies
Send me an oathbreaker
Send the wind, send the wind
Send the wind down
Send the wind, send the wind
Send the wind down
Send me an arkbuilder
I will be his assistant
I’ll cut the lumber into even pieces
Siren songs grow dissonant
Send me an arkbuilder
I will be his bride
I’ll give him shelter, he may give me warmth
One of every insecurity inside
Send the wind, send the wind
Send the wind down
Send the wind, send the wind
Send the wind down
It came from deep beneath the permafrost (what a shame)
Taking the form of every fight you’ve lost (what a shame)
Where there once grew a different kind of moss (what a shame)
A burning pentecost
It came from deep beneath the permafrost (what a shame)
Taking the form of every fight you’ve lost (what a shame)
Where there once grew a different kind of moss (what a shame)
A burning
(sha-a-a-ame, sha-a-a-ame, sha-a-a-ame)
Someone who loved you went and hurt you like they had been before
Another reason to recede from view and walk out the door
The endless trauma-cycle splits you out and now you've reborn
With all the demons that are eating at your innocent core
Somebody said they loved you while holding the blade to your throat
They won't acknowledge all the pain they rended unto your soul
And nothing makes sense and you're nothing if not always ignored
And it'll take all your life to try and settle the score
Send the wind, send the wind, send the wind
Send the wind, send the wind, send the wind
Send the wind, send the wind, send the wind
Send the wind, send the wind, send it down, down, down on me
|
||||
11. |
||||
PART 1
It's been two days since the three year anniversary of your death
And I am still, despite everything I have tried, not over it
I can't believe that I'm still here I can't believe how much I've changed
I am, despite everything, still "me", but I've mutated
Into something unpredictable and prone to mutilation
Of the self and I'm afraid the blast will take out everybody that I love
Like how it did when you went, driving in Montana
Going eighty on the freeway in your van going to college
It's been one week since I woke up at a time prior to 4pm
The only places I have been are home and work and home again
And I am tired of the same three days
I go to the field to smoke my feelings out and the corner store to eat them
And the fucked up thing about it is that it serves as some kind of break
From all the mourning that I'm doing, feeling like complete total shit
And when no one else is around and no coyotes are crashing in
I talk to you and pretend that you still exist as I look at the stars
You were the first to tell us about the matrix
And hell we listened cuz we could already tell something was wrong
And the worst part about it all is that I knew how far I'd fall
The worst feeling in the world, another fear of yours confirmed
'cause it's just another reason to get hurt
And I will always miss you
And I will never forget your name
And I will always love you
But there's a war going on inside my brain
And so I must forget you
But I'll still carry on
And care for all the memories you left with me now you're gone
I remember how they all laughed when I told them about the end
I remember how they treated me as if I was a man
I don't really wanna talk to you people anymore.
I remember as a young teenager seeing Cara Cunningham
I remember how she looked so happy in her wig and dress
And I remember how she looked dead inside when she had to detransition
And I remember that she looked more alive when she was crying on the bathroom floor than smiling like a stranger*
Was like looking at a mirror
Oh I could see myself clearer, oh
It's so cold, it's so cold, it's the coldest night
Please don't go, please don't go, please don't say goodbye
I shouldn't have to mother myself now
But I've got to because you left all the pieces of me behind
But it's not like I had a choice
You've got me stunted, I'm so broken and you're never gonna get me repaired
You're never gonna get me repaired
Like I'm just some broken doll to replace
Thinking that I should point out the spade.
I have led a life of pain inside the freakshow in my brain
Inside my head and now I'm free, we left the ringmaster last spring
Or did that happen months before? Or did that happen years ago?
When did I come into existence? When was my consciousness formed?
What was that child like who lived here? Why did they go and kill their self?
It went and happened oh so long ago I don't know if we're what they left
I just know something awful happened and now we're kinda broken up
The children born from all this violence will someday come seek real love in their lives
PART 2
Even if all hope is lost, I'll never stop the fight
I'm gonna keep on running, power's part of my named right
And part of me
Whether I want it to be
Whether I need it to be
Whether it's okay to be a perfect weapon of pure destruction in a time like this
Bad wolf, I cried, and it answered and made her whole again
And the world became the way it always was
Even if I died for nothing, I came back alright
I'm starting to accept that this will always be my life
From this point on
Whether I want it to be
Whether I need it to be
Whether it's okay to be a false immortal. I can't stop dying all of the time, all of the time
Bad wolf, I cried, and I broke up and split up and flailed about
And the world became the way it always was
I think my childhood is over now for real this time
But the people we used to know never changed
They never grew up, they stayed the same
Still stuck in the mindset from their old ways
From the place there that tortured them at that age
And the guilt from it all starts to suffocate
Me when I start thinking too hard cuz I enabled
All that shit when I was just a fucking stupid teenager
When I swore that I knew better that time
And the places we used to go, they will change
But the way that they tortured us still remains
It's baked into the pavement but they don't care
'bout the body count cause it's intentional
Not a bug, but a feature, it's criminal
The way we force all our lives into schedules
Of arbitrary work hours so we can live at all
I wanna make something good of myself
I can make something good, something good, god fucking dammit
And it's starting to look like I'm not alone in my dysfunctional relationship with myself
And it's starting to look like we're not alone in feeling like we're all just living in hell
And it's starting to look like I'm not alone in my less than ideal relationships with my selves
And it's starting to look like we're not alone in feeling like this world is going to hell
Going to hell
Going to hell
Going to hell
|
||||
12. |
||||
I threw my whole life into cardboard boxes
Nearly twenty years, nearly two decades of living on foreign land
The world's different, so am I and it scares me, god damn I'm confused
I'm just trying to find a way to hold on
This world gets ever more dangerous the longer that I'm alive
I'm afraid of living here, but won't say goodbye
Ok, world, go ahead and do your worst, because I won't comply
I don't know if we'll ever really get better, all I know is that it's careless not to try
I've had this dream here so many times
I'm eighteen or something, somewhere outside our house right next to a bright red corvette drop-top
And I look like a 60s French model
And I get in the car and I turn it on
And I just start driving and I don't stop
I just start leaving home
There's power in depiction of a memory
Everything I've said is just my point of view
But fuck it, I've been told my memory's wrong more times than I can count
After a while, it all just started to break down
Now I can't remember anything important from any of the years that you were around
And I know you're not wholly to blame but you were all that I had
And you betrayed me so many times I'll never trust again
Stop pretending I didn't want to run away every day I spent living in your company
Don't wait ahead, 'cause I'm leaving town
Need to get the hell out of here
Nothing's here for me but my job, and my family, and the people who deadname us 'cause they haven't seen me in years
I don't wanna be leaving town
Without saying goodbye
But you know that I hate goodbyes, like I'm some kind of rogue Texan, so I'll just say that I forget you.
Ok, world, go ahead and do your worst, because I just did mine
Now, that I've found you, you're gonna help me do what I should have done years ago - take care of every piece of fragmentation that still persists in mind
So go ahead and call me crazy again
Go ahead and call us insane
Go ahead and call me a faggot, a tranny, a schizo, use all of your hexes against me
Go ahead and call the police on me
Like all the times you threatened you'd do
When we were simply having a breakdown and screaming and crying and doing things all autistic kids do
I locked myself in my room again
This time we will not come out
Even when you were screaming out my true name, banging on the door, making me feel ashamed
Swear I'll never touch cigarettes again
This time I wanna stay clean
This time we wanna not panic, not get so neurotic, not feel like we're only ever to blame
Maybe this plane ain't as bad as it seems
Maybe this world's not forsaken
Maybe your species will actually live through your world crumbling all around from the shit that you've been
Maybe this isn't over
Maybe this timeline's not doomed
Perhaps, oh, the end isn't nigh, or just now, it's quite a ways off, and you've made vaporware of it too
Maybe someday we'll forgive you for real
And maybe someday you'll deserve it
Maybe someday we'll have listed out everything fucked up that you ever did to deserve this estrangement
Maybe this world's as bad as it seems
And maybe this world is forsaken
I don't think I really care anymore, I've got nothing to lose, and I know that for sure, cause' the end happens all of the time
Ok, world, go ahead and do your worst, because I just did mine
I've been so lost and led astray by everything that broke me up but now I feel alive
It felt like we'd never be happy again until we cut those ties
When I was fourteen, I had zero hope left, I would look in the mirror until I could shed a tear, stare at the ugliness plastered upon us. That face says it all. My face says it all. I can't feel.
(The world's gonna turn against us)
I can't feel, I can't feel, I can't feel.
(The world's already against us)
We can't feel, we can't feel, we can't feel anything at all.
Cave my own face in trying to prove to myself that I'm not just some hollow shell.
Are we already in hell?
|
Floral Tattoo Seattle, Washington
autonomous collective
1312
alex (she/her)
numbers (she/it/they/fae)
jake (he/him)
thos (any)
jan (she/they/it)
ryan (he/they)
veni (she/they/it)
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