Get People To Like You

MODULE 2 | ONE-ON-ONE CONVERSATION
Get People to Like You
The more and more I advanced in my career, the more and more I started to realize an
uncomfortable truth, and that is the more advanced you get, the less your technical skills
matter relative to your social skills. In other words, when you start your career, how good
you are at Excel really matters. They’re going to hire you to be an analyst, and they want
to make sure that you know how to put the numbers in the right charts. But as you get
more and more advanced, you start to manage people, you start to report to the C.E.O.
They assume that your numbers are correct. That’s just table stakes. But what really
matters is your ability to get along with other people, to build alliances, to get everyone
aligned, all those soft communication skills. That was an uncomfortable truth for me
because the way I was raised was, “Do the best work and they will just recognize you.”
As we know, that’s just not true. Of course, you have to be good at your technical skill,
but what we don’t learn is the importance of social skills.
One of the most important social skills is actually being liked. Now, it sounds so obvious,
but I’ve seen it over and over again where there were two people of comparable quality
and there was a deal to be had, and do you know who they chose? They chose the person
they like, the person they could go out to dinner with, the person that they had fun with,
the person that they trusted. Two identical skilled people, but they chose the person they
liked. I know this from my own background. This is how I beat out a bunch of Stanford
M.B.A. students when I was a sophomore applying to Sun Microsystems. I beat all of
them out, not because I was some genius or because I had more technical skills. Those
M.B.A. students had way more skills than I did, but later after I got hired, I actually asked
the team, “Why did you hire me over all those other candidates? They were really good.”
One of the reasons, one of the four was, “I liked you.” They were like, “We thought we’d
have a lot of fun with you and we wanted to work with an intern over the summer who
was going to be fun.”
Consultants have something they call the airport test, and that is, “If I get stuck in an
airport with this person for eight hours, am I going to like them?” Notice that has nothing
to do with their technical skills because those are assumed. So what we’re talking about
today is the skill of being liked. It’s a bit of art and it’s a bit of science. Let’s keep that in
mind as we go through this. There’s no formula for being liked. I’m not going to give you,
“Three parts this, two parts that.” It’s not going to happen, but I am going to show you
some strategies that you may have not considered for being more likable.
G E T P E O P L E T O L I K E YO U h o w t o ta l k t o a n y b o d y . c o m 1 of 8
The way I think about it as I go out every day is I can meet someone today who might
change my life. Could be the best man at my wedding, could be someone who’s going to
help me open up a major door to a major business deal, or could just be someone that I
see on the street once in a while and say, “Hey man, how’s it going?” Whatever the case,
I want to approach the world by saying, “Hey, I could meet someone really interesting
today.” When I start with that frame, then being likable starts to get a lot easier because
I’m not focusing on myself. I’m focusing on the other people that I could meet and how
I can help them.
We’re going to talk about a few strategies today to be more likable, and I’m going to
show you some examples, including how you can apply them. Number one, be non-needy.
Now, this is easy to say and very hard to do. I want to tell you what I mean. Imagine
you’re at a bar and you see two people walking about 10 minutes apart. The first person
walks in. He takes his heavy overcoat and he’s huddled up like this. He’s looking around
at everybody and he walks over to the bar awkwardly. He just waits. People get served
before him. He just waits. He finally gets a drink. He’s standing there looking around.
He’s not meeting anyone. You’re kind of like, “All right, this guy is here alone. Okay.” But
he’s just staring awkwardly. That’s it. He just stares there. He hasn’t said a word. He just
stands there awkwardly. Though he hasn’t said a word, you get this feeling where he’s
just not likable. He’s not the kind of guy that you would really want to hang out with.
Contrast that to someone who walks in, he walks over to the bartender. The bartender
knows him. He says, “Hey man.” “Hey, what’s going on?” He starts talking for a couple
minutes, gets a drink, sees his friends over there in the corner, says “Hey, hey, can I get
you guys a round,” brings a couple drinks over, tells a couple jokes. The whole group of
his friends are into his joke. They’re listening to his story in rapt attention. Who do you
notice from across the bar? Who do you think is more likable? Whether you’re a man or
a woman, who do you think is more attractive? That’s what we’re talking about when it
means to be likable. Not just to walk into a bar and have everyone fawn over you. That’s
not the point. But to send these competence triggers without even saying a word. That’s
what we’re going to talk about, and being non-needy is an absolutely critical part of that.
One of my favorite things to do, which some might consider weird to the point of slightly
creepy, is that when I sit and work in coffee shops, I often hear dates happening right
next to me. Now, another ordinary person might sit there and say, “Oh, that’s a date,”
and go back to work. I instantly push pause on my music and start eavesdropping for
over one-and-a-half hours. I want to know what these people say. What are you saying
in a date? What’s going on here? As usual, I end up hating everybody after listening to
a first date. Typically, what happens is the guy is talking way too much about himself
using the most typical things to try and impress the girl. He’s saying, “Oh, I work at this
company. Oh, McKinsey. Yeah. Ah, the work is really challenging, but I love the travel and
the team is so... There’s so much camaraderie,” and the girl is like, “Oh, my God, another
consultant. Just kill me.” But she doesn’t want to confront him because that will be rude,
so she’s actually egging him on by saying things like, “Really? Wow. You don’t say.” So
it’s this self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s this flywheel feeding on itself of just horrible social
awkwardness, and I love it. I’m sitting there listening to every single thing.
What I learn from this is the idea of being needy. In this example, it’s the guy who’s
bragging about where he works, what he does, where his apartment is, etc. whereas
someone who was truly non-needy would not brag about that at all. So you see, non-
needy means an abundance mentality, means, “If this doesn’t work out, I have plenty of
other dates.” An abundance mentality means, “I’m going to go out, tell a couple jokes.
If this joke doesn’t work, that’s okay. I got plenty of other jokes where that came from.”
An abundance mentality or being non-needy means that when you go and meet people,
it’s not that you don’t care about them. It just means that you’re going to treat them
with respect, you’re going to be kind, but you also know that it’s not do or die, that if
you make a small social faux pas, you still have the skills and capability to recover from
it. You have an abundance mentality. You’re going to meet hundreds of people today. So
if one thing doesn’t work out, that’s okay.
Now, I want to show you what I mean specifically by being non-needy, in other words,
by having an abundance mentality. It’s important for me to give you many examples
about the difference between having an abundance mentality - in other words, being
non-needy - versus having a scarcity mentality and being needy because none of us
would describe ourselves as being needy, and yet, our behavior sometimes reflects that
in very subtle ways.
I remember I was hosting a dinner one time, and we all went around the table and said
what we do for a living. One person said, “Well, it’s really interesting. First, I do this,
but I also do that, and two years ago, I started this, and on the side, I do that.” At this
point, everyone’s eyes have glazed over. You could palpably feel the energy drained out
of the table. Why? What do you think is going on here? I’ll tell you. This person felt that
they had to share everything at once because this was their chance. “Let me tell you
what I do. I do this. I do that. I also do this. What about that? Did you know about this?”
Meanwhile, this person was completely disregarding the energy of the table. I mean
people at the table are going like this. I started putting food on my plate. Other person
is looking at his watch. It was like a movie. Everyone was showing every possible sign
of being uninterested, and this person, “Oh and blah blah blah blah blah.” This is not a
good thing.
Let me give you a different way of presenting what you do in a non-needy way. “Hi, what do
you do?” “I’m an author. What about yourself?” “Oh, I’m a physician at the local hospital.
Wait. You’re an author? What kind of books do you write?” You see the difference? In
this case, I’m not saying, “Oh, I’m an author. I write several books about business. I also
create online courses and I do video.” Nobody cares. I need to earn their interest. You
don’t get that by overwhelming them with information. I know because I used to do
this. When I graduated from college, I was working on nine different projects. So when
someone would say, “What do you do,” first of all, I answered with a typical college
student response because most college graduates have no functional skills, so instead
of saying what they do, they say, “I’m interested in.” I would say “Oh, I’m interested in
technology and psychology, and I do this, and I do that.” Zzzz. Everyone just fell asleep.
So I know what it feels like to say these things because it’s so important you know. But
what I want you to do is dial back and notice that being non-needy, having an abundance
mentality, carries over into so many things. The way you talk to people, the way you
dress, the way you carry yourself. But for today, we are narrowing the scope down simply
to the way you introduce yourself. Keep that in mind, and we’re going to come back to
that as I show you how to apply this material today.
Have you ever been speaking to someone with a little bit more authority or power than
you? Maybe it was a professor. Maybe it was a boss. They complimented you. They said
something really nice. Do you remember how you felt at that moment? It’s that feeling that
comes from the bottom of your stomach in a good way. You felt that pride. Sometimes,
you even feel that buzzing in your head. That is the effect of having someone that you
like give you a compliment that resonates.
I want to talk about this because I want to introduce this second concept here which we
call, “Show them they earned your like.” The world of psychology shows us that we like
people who like us. My world tells me that the world of psychology is accurate because
when people tell me, say, they like my blazer, I think they’re kind, beautiful, smart,
intelligent. It’s true. When someone likes you, you like them. Now, we want to use this
concept strategically. You don’t just want to blast everyone with compliments. But I also
want to ask you the last time you truly gave someone a compliment. When was it? Was
it someone at work? Was it someone who really helped you very efficiently at Starbucks?
What was it? For a lot of us, we actually don’t give compliments that often. A lot of us
don’t make compliments because we’re concerned about what people will think. Is it going
to be awkward at work? Are there gender issues at play? Or is someone going to think
that we have a subtext when we’re complimenting them? But actually, complimenting
someone in a thoughtful, authentic way can be one of the best things you do to become
more likable. The best part of all? If you do it authentically, it makes them feel good.
So we’re going to talk about ways to give authentic compliments, and then to close the
loop on this, to show them that they have earned the compliment. This is very important.
See, I learned something from one of my mentors, Jay Abraham. He taught me how to
teach my students to revere my work. This was very important. See, I was spending all
this time, 15 hours doing interviews, writing blog posts, etc., and people would just treat
it like intellectual entertainment, like popcorn, until I started showing them the work
that went into what I was creating for them. I showed them the time it took. I showed
them the effects it was generating. Soon, they started to revere my work. Now, this is the
difference between creating something that’s a commodity versus creating something
that people really value, including your compliment.
I want to show you what I mean. The tactic to use here is the observational compliment.
This is not as simple as, “Nice dress,” or “I like your shirt.” The observational compliment
goes one step further and the point is to be really authentic, but also to show them that
they have earned your like. Let me show you what I mean. Bad example is, “You’re the
bravest and smartest person I’ve ever met. Teach me everything.” That’s not authentic
and people can feel that. They can tell that it’s not authentic. The first thing they’re going
to say is like, “Why are you such a weirdo,” or “What do you want from me?” A better way
to do it would be to make an observational compliment. You can say something like this,
“You know, you seem pretty adventurous. I know a lot of management consultants, and I
don’t know any of them who would do scuba diving in their off time. Seems pretty cool.”
Notice the difference in what just happened there. How does that person feel? They feel
great. They’re like, “Yeah. I am adventurous.” But what’s also happening? They like you
because you have made an observation that happens to be accurate about them. We all
love to be told something about ourselves. This is why people go to psychics, tarot card
readers, everything. But we don’t need to go to the metaphysical. You have someone
standing right in front of you and if they give you an observational compliment, if you
pay that observational compliment, it shows that you are really listening to what they’ve
been telling you.
Let me give you another example. Few years ago, I had a friend. Good guy. We’d hang out
and we had fun together. But he started to act in kind of a weird way. So he would text
me like, “What are you doing on Tuesday? What are you doing on Friday? What are you
doing on Saturday?” I really liked hanging out with him, but I also had other friends I
wanted to hang out with too. He would find out sometimes that I hung out with couple
of other friends, and then the guilt trips would start. “Oh, I heard you hung out with
Mike and Diana, and I didn’t get an invitation.” He started to act in a very needy way.
Ironically, that made me not want to hang out with him more. It was a vicious cycle of
him wanting to be accepted and coming off as a little needy and me pushing him away.
When he noticed that, he came on even stronger. First of all, this is kind of weird. Do
two bros do this to each other? I guess so. But at a certain point, I just didn’t want to
hang out with someone who was so needy. That was when I learned the importance of
being non-needy. Compare that to someone who always has something interesting going
on, and you want to hang out with them. “Hey, what’s up on Friday?” “Oh, let’s do this.”
“Oh, I’ve also got these plans. Let’s see if we can sync up.” That is someone who’s always
got something going on, and you want to be a part of that. We’re going to talk about the
difference between being needy and non-needy, and we’re going to get into some very
specific examples here.
Let’s talk about avoiding T.M.Q. I was at a wedding recently and I saw an old friend and I
was asking some questions, “What are you up to now? Where are you living? What kind
of place? Is that an apartment or a house?” We were in a group of people and someone
else in the group made a comment, “Damn, are we at a job interview,” and everyone kind
of laughed. I thought to myself, “Man, I really miscalibrated that.” What I was guilty of
was T.M.Q., too many questions. This is a huge problem. See, asking questions is a great
strategy. In fact, most people don’t ask enough questions. If you’ve ever eavesdropped
on a date like I do routinely, then you know that most people don’t ask anything. They
just sit there and talk about themselves until they bore the other person close to death.
But if you start asking questions, you run the risk of T.M.Q., too many questions, which
is what I was guilty of. See, I was legitimately curious. Where do they live? What do they
do? Blah blah blah. But it came off too aggressive, too many questions.
As I sat and thought about it, I thought about the people who were really socially skilled.
You see, what they will do is they’ll ask a couple of really genuine, great questions, but
then they will add something. They will say a statement, and then let the other person ask
questions. When I first discovered this years ago, this was a big revelation to me. Again,
other people, it seems as if it comes naturally to them, but when you’re thinking about
how to ask questions, you want to make sure to not just ask because, in a way, you’re
making it really easy on yourself. You can sit there, ask a bunch of questions, and feel
like, “I did that.” But you’re not adding any value to the conversation until you express
something, till you share something and open up about yourself.
So a good rule of thumb is ask two to three questions and then make a statement as
well. A bad example might be, “Where are you from? How long have you been there? Oh,
do you like it? What brought you here?” At this point, this person is kind of like, “I’m
getting a lot of questions.” Because you’re not involving them in the conversation, they
have no skin in the game. They are not going to like someone who simply asks questions.
It’s your job to add a little bit of value, to share something about yourself. So you might
try something like this, “Where are you from?” “I’m from Michigan.” “Oh, I’ve been to
Michigan before. I actually grew up in Phoenix, but I live in Chicago now, pretty close
by.” “Oh, really? So how long have you been there?” Now you’ve engaged this other
person. You see that very subtle way where I made a connection to them and I just shared
something about myself very simply. I said, “Oh, I grew up in Phoenix. Now, I live in
Chicago.” That is a connection.
Now, if you don’t have a connection, you can still make it work. “Oh, where are you from?”
“Oh, I’m from Michigan. What about you?” “Oh, I grew up in Phoenix, but now I live in
Sacramento. You know, I got a question for you. How did you hear about this? I heard
about it on Yelp, but I’m just wondering what did other people do to come here?” “Well,
you know, I found this too, but one of the things that I discovered is every time I come
to these places, I don’t know anyone.” “Me neither. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes,
I just go up to people. Sometimes, I don’t. But I have to tell you, it feels good to meet
someone else who feels the same way.” Very simple conversation, but if you diagnose that,
if you pause this and rewind, you will notice that there was a lot of give and take, not
one person asking question, question, question, question. T.M.Q., too many questions, is
something you want to avoid. So again, for every two to three questions you ask, make
sure you say something as a statement, hopefully something that engages them back.
That is give and take.
Here’s your action step for today. First, before changing anything, I want you to continue
doing what you’ve been doing for the next 48 hours, but just observe yourself. Start
noticing. Do you ask too many questions? Do you instantly compliment someone else
or, more commonly, not compliment anyone at all? I want you to just notice this to
get a baseline. What is your baseline? What do you need to work on? For example, you
might discover that you never compliment anyone in a period of 48 hours. Good to
know. Now, you know that you’re going to add complimenting people in an authentic
way to your repertoire of getting people to like you and you liking them. Maybe you
notice that you’re a little bit needy in the way you introduce yourself. “But I do this. But
I also do that. But I do this, and I’m so interested in this and that.” Non-needy. We’re
going to stop that and we’re going to give a little bit and let other people ask us for more
information because we’re so interesting, okay? The second thing I want you to do after
48 hours of observing your baseline is to pick one tactic at a time to improve. If you’re
guilty of T.M.Q., I want you to focus on two questions, one statement. If you’re guilty
of not giving any compliments or giving really generic compliments, I want you to show
them that they have earned your like by giving them an authentic compliment. These
are three very powerful strategies that you can use to be liked more. They are extremely
powerful because they’re totally authentic and they show people why you deserve their
liking. Give it a shot. Let me know how it goes.

Get People To Like You

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Get People To Like You

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MODULE 2 | ONE-ON-ONE CONVERSATION

Get People to Like You

Get People to Like You

Get People to Like You

Get People to Like You

Get People to Like You

Get People to Like You

Get People to Like You

Get People to Like You

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