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Boston Public Library
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Bonnie J. Golden
PIMA COMMUNITY COLLEGE

Kay Lesh
PIMA COMMUNITY COLLEGE

Prentice
Hall

Upper Saddle River, New Jersey

Columbus. Ohio
 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Golden, Bonnie J.
Building self-esteem : strategies for success in school and beyond / Bonnie J. Golden,
Kay Lesh. — 3rd ed.
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JKfVi
lmJii|^fiL^F|%^'iphi^il references and index.
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 o menus

List of Exercises vii

Preface ix

INTRODUCTION xi

Changing Times— Changing Students xi

The Role of Self-Esteem in Your Life as a Student

part i Sources of Self-Esteem 1

SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT 3

What Is Self-Esteem? 4
The Nature of Self-Esteem 4
EXERCISE 1.1 Assessing Life Areas 6
The Circle Model 8

THE CORE CIRCLE: INBORN PREFERENCES 13

Personality Types 14

EXERCISE 2.1 Your Personality Type 75

Personality Type, Culture, and Self-Esteem 21

Learning and Personality Preferences 22

THE SECOND CIRCLE: THE INFLUENCE OF FAMILY 27

Early Family Messages 27
EXERCISE 3.1 Analyzing Your Lifescript 30
Family Role Models and Educational Messages 31

EXERCISE 3.2 Family Messages About Education 33

in
IV CONTENTS

Reading as a Family Value 34

Cultural Support for Education 35
First-Generation Students 37
Birth Order, School Performance, and Self-Esteem 37

EXERCISE 3.3 Assessing the Effects of Birth Order 40

THE THIRD CIRCLE: MESSAGES FROM

THE IMMEDIATE ENVIRONMENT 43
School Peer Group and Class Size 44
Students' Learning Styles and Teachers' Personality Preferences 45
Classroom Interactions: Race, Gender, and Minority Status
in the School System 46
Disabilities and Self-Esteem 49
Math Anxiety and Other Fears 51

EXERCISE 4.1 The Impact of the Third Circle 52

THE FOURTH CIRCLE: IMPACT OF THE OUTER WORLD 57

Cultural Values: Growing Up "Different" 57
Smith's Theory of Ethnic Identity Development 59
Prejudice and Stereotypes 60
Media Stereotypes 61

Gender-Role Socialization 62
EXERCISE 5.1 Messages from the Outer Circle 64
EXERCISE 5.2 Language and Expectations 65
EXERCISE 5.3 Media Awareness 66
EXERCISE 5.4 Case Study: Estevan 68

part ii Symptoms of Low Self-Esteem

a nd S trategie s for Im provem ent 71

SYMPTOMS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM 73

v_
The Cases of Jorge and Mia 73
EXERCISE 6.1 Spotting Low and High Self-Esteem 75

EXERCISE 6.2 Self-Examination of Self-Esteem 76

 CONTENTS

Maggie's Story Revisited 80

A Word of Encouragement 80

I- STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 83

Strategy One: Risking 83

c EXERCISE 7.1 Dissecting Your Fears 84

EXERCISE 7.2 Risk Inventory 86
EXERCISE 7.3 Risk-Taking Goals 87
Strategy Two: Removing Internal Barriers 88
EXERCISE 7.4 Identifying and Changing Faulty Thinking 94
Strategy Three: Assertiveness 95
EXERCISE 7.5 Accepting Your Assertive Rights 99
EXERCISE 7.6 Practicing Assertiveness 101

Strategy Four: Relieving Stress 103

EXERCISE 7.7 Deep Breathing 105

EXERCISE 7.8 Thought-Stopping and Affirmation Rehearsal 107

Strategy Five: Giving to Others 108

EXERCISE 7.9 Giving to Others 109

^ ) STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 111

>, Time Management Issues 111

^ • EXERCISE 8.1 Letting Go of Perfectionism 114

EXERCISE 8.2 Setting Goals 116

Developing Study Skills 117

EXERCISE 8.3 Assessing Study Skills 117

EXERCISE 8.4 Understanding Time Required for Study 120

Developing Your Support Systems 121

EXERCISE 8.5 Assessing Support Systems 122

Multiple Intelligences: How You Are Smart 123

EXERCISE 8.6 Applying Knowledge of Multiple Intelligences

for School Confidence 124

Special Strategies for Connecting to Others 128

Identifying Campus Resources 130
EXERCISE 8.7 Connecting with Services 133

Maintaining Motivation 134

EXERCISE 8.8 Maintaining Motivation 135

Viii LIST OF EXERCISES

Exercise 8.5 Assessing Support Systems 122

Exercise 8.6 Applying Knowledge of Multiple Intelligences for School

Confidence 124

Exercise 8.7 Connecting with Services 133

Exercise 8.8 Maintaining Motivation 135

Exercise 8.9 Critical Thinking Skill Development 137

Exercise 9.1 Identifying Sources. Symptoms. Strategies, and Goals 140

Exercise 9.2 Reassessing Life Areas 142

During our many years of counseling and teaching, we have observed that low
self-esteem affects individuals' self-perception about their abilities and their will-
ingness to take positive action and to make healthy, growth-enhancing choices in
their lives. Like many educators, we have also noticed that factors such as a stu-
dent's family background, personality style, and current personal situations can
create real or perceived barriers to goal attainment. These stressors can stifle the
willingness to make changes and further diminish self-esteem. Performance and
efficacy suffer.
The third edition of Building Self-Esteem continues to address these issues
both practically and positively. Features of previous editions such as the concen-
tric circle model have been expanded upon. We have now added a circle model
based on current, adult sources of self-esteem. We continue to include case stud-
ies, exercises, and self-assessment tools, all based on research and professional
experience. Many of the exercises lend themselves to both individual and group
processing. Updates and new features of the text include:

• A circle model based on adult self-esteem sources.

• Incorporation of the most recent, practically applicable psychological and

sociological research about self-esteem.

• A critical thinking section addressing negative popular press about the self-

esteem movement.
• Updated information on the influence of gender expectations, with expand-
ed information about societal expectations for boys as well as girls.

• Updated information about media influence.

• A section and exercise on multiple intelligences to build academic confidence.

• A section about giving to others as an overlooked source of self-esteem.
• An emphasis on motivation as a key ingredient for success.

We hope that each reader will be as challenged and fulfilled while reading and
practicing the strategies presented in the text as we have been while teaching the
enhancement of self-esteem to our students.

IX
PREFACE

cknowledgments
Our sincere thanks to the following individuals, who reviewed this text in

and offered suggestions toward its refinement: Rod Agassiz,

earlier stages
Bellevue Community College; Guadalupe Alvarado, Rio Hondo College; Ann
Appley, Women at Work; G. Maxine Beatty, Nelson Community College; Maya
Durnovo, Houston Community College; Jon Lea Fimbres, Paradise Valley Com-
munity College; Kit Hayes, Northeastern University; Donna iMosher, Paradise
Valley Community College; and Joyce Stumpe, Purdue University. The book is
strengthened as a result of their efforts.
 trodu 11011

/ really like and accept myself. I feel good about who I am and what I can accom-
plish. Entering college as an adult will be a challenge, but I know I can do it!

It you can repeat these sentences with conviction, your college experience will be
pleasurable, rewarding, and successful. For many people, however, the prospect
of entering or returning to college fills them with fear and self-doubt. These inse-
curities can produce behaviors that work against school success. Withdrawal from
activities, lack of assertiveness, lowered aspirations, and grades that don't reflect
a student's true ability" are just a few ways in which low self-esteem can manifest
in a school setting.

Self-esteem refers to your sense of personal worth and value and your belief in
your own power. .Anyone can experience self-doubt or low self-esteem, and this
book is written for people struggling with those feelings. Problems of low self-
esteem can be especially draining for those who have to deal with additional
concerns while attending school: supporting a family, working full-time, attend-
ing school without the support of family or significant others, being back in
many

D
school after working for years.

hanging Times — Changing Students

^—s College is no longer the exclusive territory of the "traditional" student,
that is, one who enters college direcdy from high school and expects to complete
a degree in four years. Each year, few er and fewer students fit this profile. Instead,

our college campuses show a diversity that reflects that of society at large. Ethnic
minority students, older students, and part-time students are all an integral part
of today's college scene. Throughout this text, you will encounter such words as

nontraditional student, part-time student, and re-entry These terms describe

student.

students who in one way or another do not fit the picture of what we used to think
of as the "typical" college student.
Due to many different circumstances, people who once would not have
returned to or even considered attending- college are doing so in record numbers.

XI
XII INTRODUCTION

Many of these students are in school because of the loss of a job or the desire to
change jobs. Others hope to complete degrees they started years ago. Still others
them set a new course in life.
are searching for skills and experiences that will help
Some of these students are women who previously worked in the home and now
need or want to find a career outside the home. Some of today's students were
discouraged from going to college years ago and now have found the courage,
motivation, and resources to attend school.
If you are older than the traditional college student and are either returning
to school or entering higher education for the first time, you have plentv of com-
pany. Adults ages 25 and older are enrolling in school in record numbers. In fact,
students over 25, part-time attendees, and people in the workforce are the fastest
growing groups in education today. Students 25 and older now constitute 44 per-
cent of the college population, as contrasted with the enrollment of only 28
percent in 1970. Working while in college is also more common today. The per-
centage of full-time college students who were employed rose from 36 percent in
1973 to 69 percent in 1995-96. Students working 20 or more hours per week
increased to 37 percent, up from 17 percent in the '70s. 1

The number of students with disabilities is another increasingly evident

change in the college population. Changing attitudes as well as legislation have
made it possible for students who have disabilities to enroll and succeed in col-
lege because they are able to get the support services they need. 2 The group we
used to think of as the "traditional" students, the 18- to 22-year-olds who lived
on campus, now constitutes only one-fifth of the university population. 3

Community" colleges also reflect a change. Their students are likely to be older,
female, and from ethnic groups traditionally underrepresented in colleges and
universities." Further, the total numbers of students enrolled in public two-year
colleges and those enrolled in public four-year institutions have become practi-
cally equal. The
-"
"typical college student" no longer exists. Instead, college
students come in a variety- of ages, ethnicities, and social backgrounds. They rep-
resent a wide range of past academic backgrounds and levels of preparation.
The decision to return to school often revolves around changes in work. As
all students realize, the world of work has changed greatly since their parents' day.
Until recent years, an individual often worked for the same company for an entire
working career. Today's on the job for an average of four to six years.
worker stays
For this reason, workers may have 10 or more jobs during a lifetime. 6
Many factors account for the more mobile workforce. The economic
changes that began in the 1980s continue. While recessions come and go, the
possibility- of losing a job is always a major issue. Even in times of relative pros-

perity-, a 1 percent increase in the unemployment rate translates to 1 million

employees out of work. In the year 2000, the United States Bureau of Labor
reported that there were 15,738 layoff events and 1,835,592 initial claimants for
unemployment insurance.
 —

INTRODUCTION XIII

Our attitude about job cuts and layoffs has changed in the past few years.
Workers have come to expect layoffs as a fact of life in today's economy. "It's

almost a rite of passage," says Dale Klamfoth, an outplacement specialist at the

firm of Drake Beam Morin. "If you haven't lost at least one job in your career
today, you haven't taken enough risk." 8 Traditionally, blue-collar workers are
always hardest hit when business slows, but our country has come to expect lay-
offs at all points on the career ladder. Newsweek magazine tells us that Americans
have come to accept job cuts as an everyday management tool.
Along with this acceptance comes the need to prepare for layoffs. Experts
recommend doing this by improving skills. The Department of Labor tells us
that technical jobs will increase by 118 percent by 2008. Workers facing layoffs
9
find it to their advantage to increase their skills in this area. The old concept of
employer-guaranteed job security has been replaced by the knowledge that true
security is self-generated and comes from the 7
ability to meet ever-changing
workplace demands.
Sometimes other factors give impetus to change and improve. Some of
women who are resuming education after child-rearing or are
today's students are
"displaced homemakers," women who have worked in the home but now, because
of divorce or widowhood, need to find a job outside the home. These women face
a unique set of challenges. Although homemaking careers are honorable and nec-
essary, the skills involved are not often recognized as marketable. Therefore,
these women often need to attend school to learn new career skills or update old
ones to compete in today's job market. Many of these students are single parents
with limited time and financial resources, so they must learn to utilize internal
and external resources to the fullest.

Adults also return to school to increase opportunities for advancement.

Workers decide to become managers, legal secretaries decide to become lawyers,
students decide to become teachers. To climb the ladder of opportunity is the
American dream.
As you can see, nontraditional students are not alone; they have the support
of others like themselves who seek new opportunities by furthering their educa-
tion. Discovering these support systems is important to succeed in school. Most
important, however, is discovering your own strengths and abilities.

he Role of Self-Esteem
JL in Your Life as a Student
Becoming a college student —either for the first time or again after an absence
can be overwhelming for any adult who already has myriad responsibilities and
life pressures. The personal baggage that adults bring into the higher education
XIV INTRODUCTION

setting can trigger self-doubt, negatively impact self-esteem, and thus hamper
academic performance. A vicious circle is set into motion: lack of academic suc-
cess feeds low self-esteem.
In our combined total of over 40 years counseling and teaching adults in
post-secondary settings, we have studied the essential differences between stu-
dents who reach their goals and those who don't. We believe that success for any
student has less to do with the traditional view of intelligence and more to do with
attitude, drive, clarity7 of goals, support systems, and, especially, positive self-

esteem. We have observed that one of the biggest stumbling blocks to academic
and personal success is a lack of self-esteem.
To create high self-esteem, first you will need to knov: yourself In other words,
you will learn to accept your capabilities and strengths as well as your weakness-
es. You will feel generally positive about the person you are. By knowing yourself

and your capabilities, you will learn to set appropriate goals. Reaching those goals
will lead to increased competence and success, both of which are part of high self-
esteem.
Knowing yourself does not happen overnight, of course, or even in a
semester; it is a lifelong process.However, we have found that our students,
through their participation and with this book, have successful-
in the classroom
lv used the tools included here to gain self-knowledge and appreciation, thus
enhancing their self-esteem.
We believe an individual's self-view is affected by a number of influential

sources. Insight into the past is important because effective strategies can be
applied to change faulty- decisions. Rather than pointing fingers and fixing blame,
we acknowledge the presence of past influences and put them into the perspec-
tive of a circle model, a model that is used throughout the text. Drawing from

research on self-esteem and personality development, we examine the factors that

7

can contribute to self-esteem.

Throughout the book, various learning features are incorporated to clarify
the discussion and make it real for you. These features include:

• case studies

• written exercises with purpose and reflection

• learning activities to complete in class or outside of class, individually or in
groups

This book is organized into two parts: "Sources of Self-Esteem" and

"Symptoms of Low Self-Esteem and Strategies for Improvement." Exploring the
sources of self-esteem through the circle model (Chapters One through Five) will
help you gather and utilize information from past and present influences.
Chapter Six outlines the symptoms of low self-esteem, explaining how self-
esteem is manifested in daily life. After understanding the past and present, you
 .

INTRODUCTION XV

will be ready to make future plans and develop practical self- and school-success
strategies (Chapters Seven and Eight) for specific changes.
You are invited to use this book as a catalyst for thought and action in devel-
oping a more positive self-view. Self-exploration is exciting and personally
rewarding, although it does have some potential difficulties. With this in mind,
we offer some words of caution.

1 The past is to be viewed as a way to gather information and understanding,

not as an exercise in "blame-fixing." We do not advocate blaming others for
current status, as this is a futile task that wastes time better spent in self-

development and growth.

2. Change is never easy. Discomfort has staying power not because it is enjoy-
able or particularly beneficial but, instead, because it is familiar. In clinging

to the familiar, people may encounter internal resistance that makes change
stressful and difficult. We offer suggestions on how to work around this.
3. At times a book alone does not provide enough support for the changes
being made. Knowing when and how to seek outside help, whether from
friends or from a trained professional, also will be discussed.

Central to success is an understanding of your past and present self in order

to maximize strengths and minimize weaknesses. The final chapter summarizes
and synthesizes self-discoveries as a basis for future growth.
As you re-enter the educational system, you will see that you possess many
strengths. Although returning to school is a challenge and can give rise to old
fears and self-doubt, it also provides a self-validating opportunity for growth and
development. Our goal is to guide you successfully through this challenging and
rewarding process.

NOTES
1. "Essential Demographics of Today's College Student," AAHE Bulletin, Vol.
51, No. 3, Nov. 1998.
2. Jayne R. Beilke, "A Chilly Climate for Students with Disabilities in Higher
Education," College Student Journal Sept. 1999.

3. Alisa Wabnik, "Typical University Student Becoming Not-so-Traditional,"

Arizona Daily Star. Aug. 24, 1995.
4. Steven R. Helfgot, "Counseling at the Center: High Tech, High Touch." In
New Directions for Student Services, No. 69, Spring 1995. Jossey-Bass.

5. "Essential Demographics of Today's College Students."

6. Donna J. Yena, Career Directions, 3d ed. (New York: Glencoe/McGraw-Hill,
1997).
XVI INTRODUCTION

7. "Mass Layoffs in December 2000," Bureau of Labor Statistics,

http://stats.bls.gov/news.release/mmls.nrO.htm.

8. Daniel McGinn and Keith Naughton, "How Safe Is Your Job?," Newsweek,
Feb. 5,2001.

9. Jane Bryant Quinn, "Getting Past Today's Layoffs," Newsweek, Feb. 5, 2001.
oart

^i
ii

Part I of this book discusses the sources of self-esteem and their impact
on our lives and particularly on our school behaviors. In Chapter One,
we will use a visual model of concentric circles to illustrate those fac-
tors that influence self-esteem in each of us.

As you will see, at the center of the circle model is the core self, the
natural self. The second circle represents the family and is the circle that
has the most direct influence on the core self. The third circle is the world
that influences us daily: teachers, school, and other learning experiences.

This world has great impact on our self-esteem and on our confidence as

learners. Finally, the outer circle represents societal influences, including

the predominant culture and the media. How we perceive ourselves in

relation to this world can also have great impact on us.

Each of these circles of influence will be discussed in the coming

chapters. We will learn how the circles are interrelated and how each of
us is molded by all that happens to us and around us. It will be helpful for
you to understand that self-esteem is rooted in early experiences— those
of your family, school, and the outer world. Self-esteem grows from our
interpretations of those events and the conclusions we draw from them.
Thus, sources of self-esteem are highly individual. One person's charac-

ter-building experience can be another person's devastating setback,

depending on past background and experience.

The messages we receive from these sources prepare us to meet the
world. For some of us. the self is more ready and able than for others.

Many of us may need to explore, make different choices, and learn to

deal more effectively with the world. This book and the exercises in each
chapter will help us become aware of the factors that contribute to self-

esteem and we will learn how we can change negative self-evaluations

to positive ones.

1
 elf-Esteem Devel 11

How is self-esteem defined?

How can self-esteem be visualized?

How is self-esteem formed?

Maggie, age 34, is in her second semester of a two-year legal assistant

degree program. Her supervisor at work is convinced that Maggie is

ready to advance beyond secretarial work and is willing to let her

attend classes during office hours. This may sound like the ideal situa-
tion, but Maggie is so burdened by fear and self-doubt that she has

become unable to function both on the job and in school.

Her job performance has slipped to a new low. She worries con-
stantly about being good enough, can't seem to motivate herself to
start tasks, and barely meets her deadlines. Her supervisor is beginning

to lose patience with her. At college. Maggie is receiving below-average

grades from her instructors.

Maggie experiences stress from pressure to perform, and she copes

by putting off everything until the last minute. Procrastinating keeps her

from having to prove herself. Thus, she never knows whether she can
meet the standards at school and work.

Maggie suffers from low self-esteem. Her return to school has trig-

gered old memories, and the resulting anxiety has turned what could be

a marvelous opportunity to better her career into a nightmare. If Maggie

had positive self-esteem, she could take more control of her academic
life and see possibilities she now overlooks. As it is, she feels stuck and

powerless to help herself. She knows she needs to make changes, but
she isn't sure where to start.
CHAPTER 1

L
Jhat Is Self-Esteem?
IV
is
Self-esteem
a self-acceptance rating.
is

It
a unique internal self-rvaluation; or put another way,
measures how worthy we believe we are, how we see
it

ourselves fitting into the world, and how competent we feel. Understandably,
self-esteem has a strong impact on our success in life.

In a school context, self-esteem is defined as self-confidence, sense of per-

sonal worth, and belief in your capability- in matters relating to education. In
Maggie's case, lack of self-esteem, not intelligence or ability 7, is the deciding fac-
tor in her unsuccessful school performance. For Maggie, positive self-esteem
would enable her to take risks, see alternatives, seek out the help she needs, and
cope in more constructive ways. You'll see how Maggie dealt with her self-esteem
and school issues in a later chapter.

he Nature of Self-Esteem
—L A person with low self-esteem thinks, feels, and behaves differently from
a person with high self-esteem. For example, people with low self-esteem often
avoid situations that test their capabilities and self-views. By not taking risks, they
hold on to what little is "known" and protect the self-esteem they have. (In later
chapters, we will discuss how to begin to increase your risk-taking behavior to
enhance self-esteem.) This extremely conservative approach to making life
changes can keep people with low self-esteem from growing and making changes
to enhance their lives.
1

Other signs of low self-esteem can include lack of confidence and assertion in
action, speech, and body posture; lack of self-care in areas such as eating and
drinking; drug and alcohol abuse; and destructive personal relationships. Some
people with low self-esteem, on the other hand, may employ "defensive self-
esteem," behaving overly confidently and perhaps aggressively. 2
Most people with low self-esteem do not hate themselves but instead give
themselves neutral, not negative, ratings. 3 In contrast, people with high self-

esteem rate themselves positively as capable, competent, and worthy individuals.

There is a paradoxical nature to self-esteem. Although it is a relatively stable

aspect of our personalities, it can change. The fact that self-esteem can be
enhanced is very hopeful. For improvement to self-esteem, though, new thoughts
and behaviors must be consistently practiced. (This book provides many of the
tools to make those changes.)
You may be wondering what determines whether self-esteem will be high,
low, or somewhere in between. Why do we see ourselves as capable on some days
and incapable on other days? Y\~hy are we sometimes so afraid of success that we
sabotage ourselves in the areas of life that mean the most to us?
 SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT

Scanning the self-help sections of local bookstores, one might believe that self-

esteem is a straightforward concept. There, buyers are promised quick-fix answers to

what really is a complicated aspect of ourselves. To understand self-esteem adequate-
ly, we will consider general self-esteem and then look at it in terms of life events and
life areas. We will discuss symptoms of low self-esteem again in Chapter Six.

GENERAL SELF-ESTEEM: WORTHINESS

General self-esteem, also referred to as global self-esteem, 4 is your overall self-
evaluation or rating. It focuses on general feelings of worthiness. We make
decisions about our worthiness as human beings very early in life, based largely
on the treatment and acceptance of our major caregivers. Acceptance and love
from these significant others help children to feel loved and valued. Continued
criticism and other forms of verbal or physical abuse create feelings of being an
unworthy human being. Early decisions about our general worthiness often
remain intact, even if they have a negative impact on our self-esteem. In fact, we
frequently recreate the family-of-origin interactions that affected our self-esteem
with people in relationships or even at work. This is because these dynamics are
familiar to us, even though they may not be healthy. Determination to change,
and growth and learning gained in adulthood (through sources such as this book),

however, can positively influence your general self-esteem and thus your rela-
tionships with others. We will examine your early decisions in Chapter Three.

LIFE EVENTS AND SELF-ESTEEM

If, like most people, you have noticed variations in your self-esteem, you are normal.
Emotional highs and lows are part of life, so self-esteem can fluctuate during times
of emotional upheaval. Both internal and external factors cause this fluctuation.

External events such as life changes (divorce, job loss, a death in the family) can
cause your self-esteem to drop temporarily. Internal changes such as physical illness,

different stress levels, and events reminding you of past experiences likewise affect

self-esteem. However, as we pointed out earlier, your overall level of self-esteem will
return to its usual level until you decide to make a concerted effort to change.

LIFE AREAS AND SELF-ESTEEM: COMPETENCE

The competency aspect of self-esteem ties part of the self-esteem equation to tan-
gible accomplishments in areas that are as important to the individual as to her
peer group. At different times in our lives, these areas will vary. For example, for
most school-aged children, athletic competence (such as running fast) provides a
source of self-esteem. For adults, achievement and satisfaction from work fre-
quently are on the list of self-esteem sources.
CHAPTER 1

In sum, an individual must be able to point to tangible signs of competence

and achievement for self-esteem enhancement. This evidence must be important
to ourselves as well as others; otherwise, we end up pleasing others at our own
expense of time, energy, and well-being. Warm fuzzies from others do not create
sufficient conditions for self-esteem enhancement.
Education one of the life areas in which self-esteem is played out, and
is

returning to school may uncover old insecurities. If the return to school is prompt-
ed by a job loss or other major life change, the potential impact on self-esteem is

compounded. Mewing self-esteem from this perspective of many dimensions helps

to explain its complexity, as well as its variations and fluctuations.
Rose writes "A" papers, excels and receives outstanding grades. At the
at tests,

same time, Rose's intimate relationships are unhealthy; she seems to choose part-
ners who tend to be negative and disrespectful. Rose's friends are puzzled. How
can this brilliant woman make such poor relationship choices? Is her self-esteem
high, low, or in-between? By examining more about the nature of self-esteem, we
can begin to solve this puzzle.

For Rose, the two life areas at issue are relationships and academic success. If
it is very important to Rose that she achieve success in school, then her excellence
in that life area will help to elevate her general self-esteem. However, if her suc-
cess in relationships (which Rose has yet to achieve) is more important than
school or other areas in her life, her overall self-esteem will begin to suffer if she
values relationship success over other achievements in her life.

Thus, your self-esteem is strengthened through a general self-rating of

worthiness as well as proven success and competence in areas that are
important to you.
How does each of us determine what areas are important to us? Areas impor-
by both your individual life situation and
tant to self-esteem will be determined
what your culture and society deem important. For example, academic perfor-
mance, intelligence, family relationships, physical appearance, sociability,
workplace success, love relationships, and internal behaviors are some areas that
various researchers have identified as important for enhancing self-esteem among
many people in our culture. 5

assessing uje areas

PURPOSES
To assess your current level of satisfaction with life areas that are important for
your self-esteem.
To show that there are areas in your life where you are satisfied as well as areas
you would like to improve.
 SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT

To help you set specific goals for improving your self-esteem.

To provide a baseline indicator of progress for self-esteem enhancement.

INSTRUCTIONS
Step One: Rate your current level of satisfaction with the following life areas relat-
ed to self-esteem. Remember that not all the dimensions listed here may be relevant
to you. Feel free to include additional life areas that suit you as an individual.

Step Two: Now look at each item again and this time make a mark showing where
you would like to be on each dimension. Use a different symbol or a different
color pen so you can easily see where you are and where you wish to be.

THE DIMENSIONS OF SELF-ESTEEM

Academic Performance

LOW MEDIUM

Work Performance

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

Intelligence

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

Sociability

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

Family Relationships

LOW MEDIUM

Love Relationships

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

Physical Self

MEDIUM
CHAPTER 1

Emotional Self

;iz „v

Other Dimensions (specify)

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

REFLECTIONS
How did you feel when you examined your current patterns of satisfaction com-
pared to where you would like to be?

With what areas are you most satisfied? Least satisfied?

Prioritize by placing an asterisk next to the two to three life areas on which you
would most like to focus your attention.

he Circle Model
_J We have developed a visual way to explore and understand the factors that
contribute to the development of self-esteem as well as adult self-esteem influ-
ences. Figures 1.1 and 1.2 illustrate four concentric circles. These circles
represent influences on your self-esteem development and maintenance.
The inner circle is the core self, who you are genetically. Within it are all of
your inherited characteristics and tendencies. To help you capitalize on your
strengths and minimize your weaknesses, you can learn more about yourself and
the strengths you possess within your inborn tendencies. This self-knowledge,
introduced in Chapter Two, has implications for your success in school and other
domains important to you.
In the next circle reside your family of origin and any other caregivers who
had an impact on your early years. For an adult, it contains your current support
system, family, mates, and friends. As the circle closest to your core self, your
original family had major influence on the development of your self-esteem,
a
because it was your first picture of relationships, support, and love. This circle
can give you strength and buffer the next two circles, or it can represent a source
of problems. It includes messages received from your family and from memorable
early events. Today it includes those people closest to you and their treatment of
you. Understanding decisions you make based on these early messages and
events, as well as the decisions based on today's influences, is a necessary piece in
 SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT

Model of self-esteem development.

solving each person's self-esteem puzzle. This circle is examined in depth in

Chapter Three.
The next circle consists of the world immediately outside the home: school,
playmates, teachers, and other people who are important to you. For an adult, it

may include work, church or temple relationships, or status. Experiences with

peers have much influence on early self-esteem development. Our views of our-
selves in the social world of school or work originate in this circle. After the
family, this circle has the greatest influence on development of self-esteem.
Our society at large forms the outer circle. This is where cultural values are
communicated, mainly through the media. The psychological effects of perceiv-
ing ourselves as "different," or as not measuring up monetarily, physically,
intellectually, or otherwise, originate here.
10 CHAPTER 1

o Model of typical adult self-esteem influences.

Using the circle model to visualize self-esteem illustrates the impact of all of
these forces on us. The four circles are interrelated; they affect one another and
are interdependent. For example, when society's views of men's and women's roles
change, this change affects classrooms and even influences gender expectations
within our own families (just as society's views were initially influenced by the
personal views held by individual men and women). Each of the four circles is
permeable in a sense, open to the flow of impressions and influences from the
other circles. If we are to understand how self-esteem is formed, influenced, and
maintained, it is necessary to understand all four circles. These layers form our
self-view and shape how we relate to ourselves, others, and the world.
According to Carl Jung in his classic text, Man and His Sy?nbols, a circle has
symbolized wholeness and the psyche since ancient times. 6 Thus, the circle is a
 SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT 11

good metaphor for self-esteem development. In addition to using concentric cir-

cles to visualize the sources of self-esteem, you will see how the formation of
self-esteem —both positive and negative —can be a circular process.

You will understand the circle model and self-esteem better as you apply it to
yourself. In the chapters that follow, you will be asked to do just that. Join us for
an exciting journey of self-discovery!

NOTES
1. Roy Baumeister, "Understanding the Inner Nature of Low Self-Esteem. " in
Self-Esteem: The Puzzle ofLow Self-Regard (New York: Plenum Press. 1993),

pp. 201-218.

2. Chris Mruk, Self-Esteem: Research. Theon: and Practice 2d ed. (New York:
Springer, 1999), pp. 160-161.

3. Baumeister. 201-218.

4. Susan Harter, "Causes, Correlates, and the Functional Role of Global Self-

Worth: A Life-Span Perspective." in J. Kolligian and R. Sternberg, editors.

Competence Considered (New Haven: Yale University Press. 1989), pp.
67-100.

5. Bonnie Golden, Self-Estee?n and Psychological Type: Definitions. Interactions,

and Expressions (Gainesville, FL: Center for Applications of Psychological

Type. 1996). pp. 15-16.
6. Carl Jung. Man and His Symbols (New York: Doubleday. 1964). pp. 240-249.
 he Core Circle

How can the "inner circle" be understood?

What are inborn personality preferences or types?

How can a person identify individual strengths and blindspots?

How do personality preferences affect self-esteem and success

in college?

Chapter One contained a visual model of self-esteem develop-

ment using four concentric circles. The focus of Chapter Two is

the core self, the "inner circle" of self-esteem. A framework is

provided for understanding inborn personality traits, the

impact of inherited tendencies, and the interaction of those

tendencies with the environment. All of these interactions will

affect self-esteem.

Carol was popular in high school. She was involved in cheer-

leading and the school's yearbook, among other activities.

Teachers chose her for leadership positions, and peers elected

her to class offices. Carol spent hours on the phone encouraging

her friends, setting up dates, and giving advice. Academically, she

did well on group projects and factual exams. With essay tests

and research papers, however, she had trouble staying motivat-

ed. Her grades in those areas were mediocre.

Today, Carol has returned to college after a 10-year absence

from formal education. Because she is raising two young chil-

dren and has enrolled in several independent study classes, the

adjustment to education and study has been difficult for Carol.

13
14 CHAPTER 2

Answering telephone calls and tending to her children's needs interrupt her concen-
tration. The discipline of forcing herself to close the door and study has been much
harder than running errands on campus and talking to professors.

Carol's mother reminds her that, even as a child, she loved to go to school, but

finding motivation to do homework was often a struggle. Carol's behavior has been
consistent over time. A better awareness of her unique personality characteristics and

preferences might increase her self-understanding and improve her chances for suc-

cess in school.

ersonality Types
We are born into this world with inherited characteristics. These
include not only physical characteristics —hair color, height —but also personali-
ty traits and patterns. Observers and caregivers of infants notice that, even in the
earliest months, each baby's personality 7
is distinct. One infant lies quietly and
serenely much of the time, and another kicks or cries at the slightest provocation.
As children grow, their personalities become even more different from one
another. Favorite activities, music, and toys all emerge. Children are products of
internal, inherited sets of mechanisms as well as their environment.
Even twins, usually thought of as very similar, have been shown to have unique
personalities. While earlier research on twins reared apart focused on their simi-
we now know that only about 50 percent of twins' characteristics match.
larities,

According to Thomas Bouchard, who has conducted extensive research on twins

separated at birth, "Each is a unique individual in his or her own right." 1

The great Swiss psychologist Carl Jung gave us a system to understand

some of those tendencies and inborn characteristics. 2 Later, Katherine Briggs
and Isabel Briggs Myers expanded his theory and developed a psychological test
7

to identify personality preferences. Now widely used, it is called the

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.* In addition, researchers such as Dr. Jerome
Kagan, 5 and Dr. Martha Wilson, Martin Languis, and Dr. James Newman 4 - 5

have demonstrated that psychological differences in areas such as brain wave

activity and response to outside stimuli exist among different personality types.
7 7

This research confirms parts of Jung's original theories about inborn prefer-
ences. The information and exercises that follow will help you to identify 7

aspects of your natural, inborn personality.

* Myers-Briggs Type Indicator 1 and MBTI are registered trademarks of Consulting Psychologists
Press, Inc., Palo Alto, CA.
 THE CORE CIRCLE 15

EXERCISE
your personality type

Jung and Myers & Briggs provide us with a four-part framework to examine the
typology of inborn tendencies.

PURPOSES
To begin to assess personality preferences using eight possibilities.

To enhance self-esteem through increased self-knowledge and understanding.

To begin to appreciate your strengths.

The following exercise is broken into four parts. Briefly, in Parts1 through 4

you will select items that indicate personality tendencies. Each of these charac-
teristics will then be explained. In each part, you will determine which of two
characteristics or preferences better describes you.

FLOW OF ENERGY
To determine your flow of energy preference, read the following pairs of descrip-
tions and check which of each pair you most of the time. You may notice that
is like

both behaviors that we present sound you. Try to choose the style that seems
like

more comfortable and typical of you. To help you decide, think of your most nat-
ural self, your behavior as if no one were looking.

E 1

I tend to: or It<

o like action and variety. o like quiet and time to consider

things.

o do mental work out loud by o do mental work privately and

talking to people. internally before talking.

o act quickly, sometimes without o be slow to try something without

much reflection. understanding it first.

o work with other people on a job o understand the idea of a job and
and see results. to work alone or with just a few
people.

o want to know what other people o want to set my own standards,

expect of me.

o appear more "social." o appear quiet and reserved.

 —

16 CHAPTER 2

In which column do you have the most checkmarks, E or I:

About Extraversion (E) and Introversion (i)

Extraversion (E; Your natural energies, perceptions, and/or decisions flow

outward, toward the world of people and things. You are
stimulated by your surroundings.

Introversion (I) Your natural energies, perceptions, and decisions flow

inward, toward the world of thoughts and ideas. You are
stimulated by thoughts and ideas.

Susie is a preschool teacher. Preferring extraversion (E), she often joins or

organizes a group of co-workers for dinner and a movie on Friday evenings. She
experiences enjoyment and energy from the company of her peers and the activ-
ities of the evening.
Susie's colleague, Alike, preferring introversion (I), is drained and exhaust-
ed after a week of teaching and interacting with children, directors, and
teachers. He consistently forgoes spending evenings in group activities. Instead,
he goes home, plops on the couch, and reads his favorite science fiction author.
After reading and simply enjoying solitary, internally focused time, he feels
refreshed again.

TAKING IN INFORMATION
To determine your preferences for taking in information, check the item in each
pair that better fits you. You may notice that both behaviors that we present
sound like you. Try to choose the style that seems more comfortable and typical
of you. To help you decide, think of your most natural self, your true behavior
if no one were looking.

S N
I tend to: or I tend to:

pay most attention to experience pay most attention to the

as it is. living in the present. meaning of facts and how they
fit together, looking toward
the future.

like to use eyes, ears, and like to use imagination to come

other senses to find out what up with new ways to do things,
is happening. new possibilities.
 THE CORE CIRCLE 17

dislike new problems unless like solving new problems, and

prior experience shows how to dislike doing the same thing over
solve them. and over.

enjoy using skills already like using new skills more than
learned more than learning practicing old ones,
new ones.

be patient with details but be impatient with details but

impatient when the details get don't mind complicated situations,
complicated.

be seen as realistic. be seen as imaginative.

be good at precise work. be good at planning and design.

In which column do vou have the most checkmarks, S or N?

About Sensing (S) and Intuition (N)

Sensing (S) You rely primarily on the five senses to observe the world
and gather data. You focus on the present moment and
immediate experience.
Intuitive (N) You primarily utilize a sixth sense (hunches or ideas) to see
possibilities that cannot be perceived with the five senses.

Your perception is beyond the present and includes future

events and possibilities.

Frank, a sensing type (S), works as a convention planner for a local commu-
nity center and is man. Frank makes sure that rooms are assigned
a skilled detail

correctly, the air-conditioning is comfortable, signs are color-coordinated, and

the snack food is appropriate and tasteful. He does well at what he is working on
right now.
Jan, an intuitive type (N), works with Frank. She is also a convention planner,
but she is the idea generator. A "big picture" person, she writes proposals for
clients, invents themes, and develops selling points for their facility. Jan is in

charge of the overall planning and direction, whereas her colleague Frank works
out the details. Both are outstanding at what they do.

DECISION MAKING
To determine your preference for decision making, check the item in each pair
that better fits you. You may notice that both behaviors that we present sound like
18 CHAPTER 2

you. Try to choose which one feels more natural and comfortable. To help vou
decide, think of your most natural self, your behavior — if no one were looking.

T F

I tend to: o) I tend to:

like to decide things using logic, like to decide things using per-
analysis. sonal feelings, human values, and
understanding.

want to be treated with justice like praise and to please people,

and fair play. even in small matters.

neglect and hurt other people's be very aware of other people's

feelings without knowing it. feelings.

give more attention to ideas or predict how others will feel.

things than human relationships.

get along with little harmony, not value harmony, feel unsettled by
be stressed by arguments and con- arguments and conflict.
flict as long as logic is present.

question "Why?" accommodate others.

In which column do vou have the most checkmarks, T or F?

About Thinking (T) and Feeling (F)

Thinking (T) Your process of decision making tends to be impersonal,

based on observable facts and logic.
Feeling (F) Your process of decision making tends to be personal, based
on values and people's feelings.

Lynn, a thinking type (T), is in the process of changing careers. She spends
much of her time studying employment projections for the three career fields she
has chosen to explore. She is also obtaining job descriptions from various employ-
ers in the community" and comparing salary ranges and promotional potential
among those employers. \Mien she has gathered enough information, she will
look at the data and will be ready to make a choice.

Carl, a feeling type (F), is also exploring careers and college majors. He has
interviewed some people who currently are working in the field and, with the
help of his career counselor, enjoys imagining how he would feel in different
jobs. He sees this counselor twice a month, and they spend much of their time
exploring his subjective reactions to various job descriptions. Carl often confides
in his parents and girlfriend about his career plans and seeks their personal reac-
 THE CORE CIRCLE 19

tions to his progress. Carl knows that, at the right time, his feelings will tell him
what to choose.

DAY-TO-DAY LIFESTYLE
To determine how you live your outer life, check the item in each pair that bet-
ter fits you. You may feel that both behaviors presented describe you. Try to select
the one that seems more comfortable and typical of you. To help you decide,
think of your most natural self, your true behavior if no one were looking. —
J P
I tend to: or I tend to:

o like to make a schedule, to have O like to stay flexible and avoid

things settled and decided ahead. fixed plans, especially as new
interests surface.

o try to make things come out the deal easily with unplanned and
way they "ought to be." unexpected happenings.
like to finish one project before like to start many projects and
starting another. may have trouble finishing
them all.

O have my mind made up and be look for new information and be

uncomfortable with uncertainty. okay with ambiguity,
decide things too quickly. decide things too slowly.

O want to be right. O want to miss nothing.

live by standards and schedules make changes to deal with prob-

that are not easily changed. lems as they come along.

In which column do you have the most checkmarks, J or P?

About Judging (J) and Perceiving (P)

Judging (J) You live a planned, orderly lifestyle and seek closure for most
tasks and decisions.
Perceiving (P) You follow a flexible, spontaneous, go-with-the-flow style of
living, without pushing for closure in activities and tasks.

Mike, a perceiving type (P), and Sarah, a judging type (J), are roommates.
After dinner Mike checks the television listings for the latest sports events or his
favorite shows. If something is airing that he would like to see, he washes the
dishes afterward. Often, if a friend calls, he talks on the phone for a while. When
20 CHAPTER 2

his favorite magazine catches his eye, he may read a few articles. Eventually he
completes his chores.
On Sarah's night for kitchen chores, she videotapes programs she might like

to see. She lets the answering machine screen her calls and calls back when chores
are completed. If she has other work to do, she lists it on a piece of paper and
crosses things off the list as she completes each task. She feels irritated with Mike
when the dishes aren't done until 9 o'clock at night. She cannot understand why
he doesn't just "get to it!"

CONCLUSION
What do these responses indicate your personality type is?

(E or I) (S or N) (T or F) (J or P)

REFLECTIONS
You now have a four-letter personality preference code based primarily on the
work of Jung and Myers. This preliminary self-estimate offers one way to appre- 7

ciate and value your natural individuality. To understand your personality and
preferences further, you might want to arrange to take the Myers-Briggs Type
Indicator® at your college counseling center.
You are discovering an aspect of the core self based on the four preferred
dimensions (the inner circle of the Chapter One model) and what often is called
the "natural self." Although all of us have the eight tendencies within us, the four

preferred tendencies indicate your strengths, habits, and best abilities within the
four identified dimensions. One person's preference is no better than another's,
and each individual has a unique perspective to bring to most situations.
Through you have taken another
these discoveries about your personality,
step toward increasing your self-esteem. This self-knowledge, based on under-
standing your strengths and preferences, can enhance your self-appreciation.
According to Myers et al., "Finding out about type frees one to recognize one's
own natural bent and to trust one's own potential for growth and excellence.
There is no obligation or need to be like others, however admirable others may-
be in their respective ways." Let us now further explore ways to apply this new
knowledge about personality type.

The checklists in Exercise 2.1 are adapted from People Types and Tiger Stripes. 3rd Edition by Dr.
Gordon Lawrence, Center for Applications of Psychological Type, Gainesville, FL, 1993. Used with
permission. The exercise is NOT a type indicator, nor does it replicate the Myers-Briggs Type
1
Indicator , which is a validated instrument.
 THE CORE CIRCLE 21

ersonality Type, Culture,

p.and Self-Esteem
The impact of personality type on self-esteem can be profound. We are first
aware of its effect in our families of origin and through experiences of childhood
and adolescence.
Tom is a quiet man, and, although he has many thoughts and opinions, he does
not share them easily with others. People often wrongly conclude he has little to
contribute. When he does speak up. his co-workers are so surprised that Tom
becomes self-conscious. Tom's preference is introversion, and he was overwhelmed
as a child by a family of extraverts. When he was quiet at the dinner table or pur-
suing solitary activities in his room, the others overlooked Tom's needs and feelings
because they were dominant in their energy and ease of speaking out and saying
what they felt. In school. Tom was a bit of a loner. Though he was a bright little
boy, he was ill at ease raising his hand or speaking up in class. Sadly, because he was
not acknowledged or appreciated for his intelligence, Tom concluded that he was
not important and was too sensitive. His self-esteem suffered at home and at school.
Tom's family environment, his "family culture," was extraverted. Tom was a
"minority" within his own household. Students in our classes have shared com-
parable experiences within their families. For example, Cheryl also has similar
work experiences, in which her "feeling" decision-making preference was not
rewarded and sometimes even ridiculed by co-workers who preferred "thinking."
Do our family and work cultures actually affect our self-esteem if our per-
sonality preferences and style are not of the "majority"? The North American
culture at large does seem to reward extraverted behavior (e.g., "she's so bubbly."
"he's the life of the part}") and a decision-making style based on logic, objectivi-
ty, and analysis (thinking), more than a style based on feeling ("don't be so
sensitive"). One North American culture research study, of 258 adult communi-
6
ty college students, revealed that students preferring extraversion or thinking did
have higher levels of self-esteem than those preferring introversion or feeling.
Does this mean that your self-esteem is going to stay low if you have IF prefer-
ences? Xot at all. The key to looking at culture, type, and self-esteem is that
cultures (from family cultures to cultures at large) differ in the way personality
styles are rewarded and accepted.
For example, in certain cultures (some Native American, Japanese, or
Chinese), introversion is the rewarded style. Individuals displaying too much
extraversion might be thought of as "crass."Lack of sensitivity to the needs of
their work group or family would be frowned upon. In contrast, in the United
States, individuality is encouraged. Thus, individuals who are not aware of and
comfortable with the strengths of their type may be vulnerable to negative feed-
back from their environments.
22 CHAPTER 2

A key to maintaining self-esteem if your style differs from the dominant

culture is to develop detachment and For example, Abraham
objectivity.
Maslow 8 found that one characteristic of individuals with high self-esteem was
that, while being part of their culture and the social mainstream, they were
able to detach themselves, rise above, and not let their feelings about them-
selves be overly influenced by what others expected or thought. Additionally,
learning about your preferences will help you to see them as strengths and pos-
itive tools, not liabilities or something about yourself that needs changing. As
your self-esteem develops, this skill of detachment will also emerge. Chapters
Seven and Eight provide strategies used by Tom and other students to enhance
their self-esteem.

fiearning and Personality Preferences

CT^,^ Knowing and appreciating your natural personality type will alert you to
your strengths and weaknesses as you pursue your education. Instead of conclud-
ing you are "slow," can't learn, or are not able to understand the teacher, awareness
of personality preferences can help you understand and appreciate individual styles
and strengths, as well as the styles of your classmates and teachers.
Dr. Gordon Lawrence, an expert on the relation of personality type and edu-
cation, has developed specific information on how knowledge of each person's
preferences can promote success in the educational process. Table 2.1 lists exam-

ples of type as related to educational success (and thus greater self-esteem in

school), based on Dr. Lawrence's work.

Core circle preferences and success in educational settings.

Extraverts Introverts

enjoy talk, movement, action learning think, plan, and rehearse before sharing ideas
enjoy cooperative projects enjoy solitary reading and writing
7

readily share and speak in class can work for long periods on one project

want to experience things to really may spend too much time thinking about an
understand them assignment before doing it

need to plan more before leaping in need to leap in sometimes without thinking
so much
(continued)
 THE CORE CIRCLE 23

O
Continued. J
Sensing Types Intuitive Types
learn best in step-by-step progression prefer concepts to discrete facts

are at home with programmed or computer excel at imaginative tasks

learning

value practical applications of knowledge tend to avoid or overlook details

excel in memorizing facts readily grasp words and symbols

enjoy structured classes are impatient with routine

are good with details and predictable routines need to know the overview, the "big picture"

Thinking Types Feeling Types

need logical rationales for projects need personal encouragement, the human angle
are more truthful than tactful allow feelings to override logic and objectivity

want fairness more than harmony may suppress own needs and ideas to keep
harmony
are able to be objective are able to be empathic

contribute intellectual criticism dislike expressing opinions that differ from

those of peers

take facts, theories, and ideas seriously have difficult}- being brief and businesslike

Judging Types Perceiving Types

may finish quickly but may miss new and may be so open to new information that
valuable input and information completion is delayed

are good managers of time but could be are flexible and curious but may tend to
too rigid procrastinate

naturally plan and organize work may complete work in a last-minute flurry
of activity
make and complete lists may make lists, may or may not complete them
want to do things as they are "supposed" are willing to "improvise" and change proce-
to be done dures

enjoy closure, results, products enjoy the "process" as much as the "product"

Source: Adapted from People Types and Tiger Stripes, 3rd Edition, by Gordon Lawrence, Center for Applications of
Psychological Type, Gainesville, FL, 1993.
24 CHAPTER 2

Looking back to the beginning of the chapter, we see that Carol probably is:

• an extrovert, shown by her involvement in group activities, cheerleading.

and pleasure in talking often on the telephone
• a sensing type, indicated by her preference for the sounds and physical
aspects of cheerleading and by her preference for factual exams
• a feeling type, highly sensitive to her friends' needs and empathic in her
role as confidante

• a perceiving type, because of her go-with-the-flow, open style

Carol's preferences (ESFP) contributed to a personally rewarding and suc-

cessful high school experience, and she received positive feedback from others for
those preferences. In Carol's school experience today, though, her preferences are
not being utilized. Enrollment in independent study courses theoretically would
work well for her schedule as a mother, but in practice she misses the energy of
the group classroom experience on which her extraversion thrives. Her indepen-
dent study course lacks the hands-on interaction that the sensing part of Carol
prefers, and, also because of her perceiving preference, she probably needs a more
schedule-driven class (for example, regular class meeting times). Her preference
for feeling (empathy for people) over thinking and her need to use extraverted
energy allow her to be interrupted from her home studies easily. Furthermore,
her classes require a lot of essay writing. Her strength as an S is the factual exam.
Consequently, she has to work much harder to get good grades.
Too often, lack of knowledge of personality types causes students such as
Carol to label themselves as "stupid" when a class causes them great difficulty".

The difficulty might have less to do with intelligence then a mismatch between
the subject area and the particular learning preferences of their type, and it can
be overcome. You'll want to be aware that a class, major, or career choice that
does not mesh with your personality- preference most of the time takes more ener-
gy and concentration than one that more closely matches your preferences.
Knowledge of personality type assists in making informed choices of class,
major, and career and helps individuals accept their unique strengths as well as
areas for further development. The impact of this knowledge on self-esteem can
be highly positive. That is becausewhen we spend time in classes that utilize our
strengths, satisfaction and self-esteem can increase. For example, students with
sensing and introverted preferences often do quite well with majors such as
accounting and computer programming, which often require many hours of soli-
tan, detailed work. They might have a more difficult time with majors requiring
abstract, intuitive thinking such as creative writing or literature if their intuitive
preference is not fully developed. In contrast, an elementary education major who
is extraverted and has a preference for sensing might find success in creating
hands-on lessons for student teaching and working with groups of children.
 THE CORE CIRCLE 25

Most college degrees require a broad array of general education classes (e.g.,

writing, math, social sciences, humanities) in which the student has to apply skills
from all eight dimensions of personality. Before focusing on subjects required for
their majors, successful students can develop skills for the study approaches
required in disciplines that do not utilize their personality preferences and
strengths. You should seek a balance in school schedules so, for example, you do
not take only classes that require factual tasks and exams if your strength is writ-
ing essay tests. You also will need to develop the skills most associated with the J
preference: closure, completion, and ability to meet deadlines. In the college set-
ting, these skills are most correlated with persistence and completion. 9
If you are like Carol, you can be successful in classes that require exercising
the least favorite preference. More self-understanding, self-acceptance, and suc-
cess will result from developing these skills. Chapter Eight provides several ideas
for new study skills.
Remember, the purpose of understanding personality type as related to your
classes and major is not to discourage you from pursuing a specific career path
but, instead, to help you become more aware of ivhy you might master certain
subjects more easily than others.
Carol may question her ability to succeed in college work, which often
requires using introverted intuition (the opposite of her E and S preferences).
Her discomfort, however, is more a matter of her preferences (strengths) not
being utilized in the classes she has chosen.

ummary
Understanding inborn personality preferences can help you appreciate
your own personal uniqueness, increase your self-understanding, and raise your

self-esteem. Through
increased knowledge of the core self, you can learn to like
and even on special inborn gifts and also learn to understand others'
capitalize
differing styles. Each person can acknowledge what parts of the self to focus on
for further development and learn how personality characteristics, including
strengths and weaknesses, can contribute to success in college.
An
early foundation for understanding personality types and preferences was
laidby Carl Jung, who developed a framework within which these concepts can
be understood. Katherine Briggs and Isabel Briggs xMyers expanded Jung s theo-
10
ry and developed the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.
7
This scale,
combining eight dimensions, allows a person to determine his or her own type:
extravert/introvert, sensing/intuitive, thinking/feeling, and judging/perceiving.
No type is better than another, just different. Your four preferences interact in a

dynamic way, with your information processing (sensing or intuition) or your

decision-making (thinking or feeling) function dominating. Thus, to make the
26 CHAPTER 2

most of understanding types, the college counseling center may arrange for you
to take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® if you are interested in further insight
and information about psychological type.

NOTES
1. Arthur Allen, "Equal But Separate," Family Therapy Networker, March/April
1998, p. 47.

2. Carl Jung, Psychological Types (Princeton, NJ : Princeton University Press,

1971; original work published 1921).

3. Jerome Kagan, Unstable Ideas: Temperament, Cognition, and SWf (Cambridge,

MA: Harvard University Press, 1989), p. 145. Kagan and his colleagues at
Harvard have discovered strong introverted (inhibited) preferences that are
evident at an early age for 10 percent to 15 percent of children.

4, 5. Martha Wilson, Marlin Languis, and James Newman, "Did You Know?"
in Typeworks, USA, Issue 4, Kay Abella and Sue Dutton, editors and pub-

lishers. (Washington Depot, CT: 1994).

6. Bonnie J. Golden, Self-Esteem and Psychological Type: Definitions,

Interactions, and Expressions (Gainesville, FL: Center for Applications of
Psychological Type, 1996).

7. Bonnie J. Golden, Portraits of Self-Esteem (Gainesville, FL: Center for

Applications of Psychological Type, 2001).

8. Abraham Maslow, Motivation and Personality (New York: Harper and Row,
1970).

9. K. Terry Schurr and Virgil E. Ruble, "The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator

and First Year College Achievement: A Look Beyond Aptitude Test
Results," Journal of Psychological Type 12 (1986): 36.

10. Isabel Briggs Myers, Mary H. xMcCaulley, Naomi L. Quenk, and Allen
Hammer, A Guide to Development and Use of the Myers-Briggs Type
the
Indicator, 3d ed. (Palo Alto, CA: Consulting Psychologists Press, 1998).
 he Second Circle

How do early family messages affect self-esteem?

How do those messages affect us today?

How do the messages affect school performance?

In Chapter Two we explored the core self, inherited ten-

dencies, and how inborn preferences can be utilized to

improve self-esteem as well as school performance. The

second circle, consisting of messages from the family, has a

substantial impact on development of positive self-esteem

and can be a key to school success. The topic of this chap-
ter is the second circle and how it contributes to life and
school experiences.

arly Family Messages

Our view of the world is formed before we have

words for or can comprehend the idea of self. Infants

depend on adults for their most basic needs: food, warmth.
care, and love. We each shape our view of the world and
ourselves based on whether and how these needs are met.
For an infant, being held gently and receiving love and
care communicate safety. Being left hungry, cold, and wet
gives quite another message. Thus, if our world is safe,
secure, and peopled by adults who take care of us. we
begin to see ourselves as having worth. If the reverse is

true — if our world is unresponsive and frightening —we

begin to distrust and have self-doubt.

27
28 CHAPTER 3

As we continue to grow and our world expands, various factors determine

self-esteem. We gather information about ourselves and our place in the world
through messages from the significant people around us and from events and
experiences in our childhood environment. Based on this information, we make
decisions about ourselves and our worth. We carry these decisions into adulthood
without checking to see if they still fit. If we decide we do not count in our fam-

ily,we likely will view ourselves as insignificant in the larger world.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family complicates the messages we receive,
and many of us carry these messages into adulthood. Children of alcoholics, sur-
vivors of sexual abuse, and others from homes marked by trauma may find their
worlds colored by shame and guilt, as well as feelings of worthlessness and
2
depression. 1 '
In a school setting, children from homes such as these may behave
consistently with the emotional pain they experience. For example, they might
withdraw from activities, avoid social contact, perform poorly in schoolwork, lack
concentration, or have learning problems. The opposite — excelling at school to
compensate for negative attention at home — is also a possibility.
5
Messages about
self-worth can shape school experiences and one's view of the world.
In many families, messages are communicated subtly. We learn about accept-
able behaviors by observing nonverbal cues and hearing verbal messages.
Imagine a row of four playground slides. At the top of each slide is a small
child, about to embark on her first solo journey. At the bottom stands her parent.
Listen to what each parent has to say:

Parent 1: "Be careful. Don't slip. You know what happened last time."

Parent 2: "I don't know if you're ready for this. . . . Well, okay, babv . . . go
ahead."

Parent 3 : "What are you doing? Get down this instant! How many times do I

have to tell you? You're going to get spanked!"

Parent 4: "All right! You can do it!"

How do you think each child feels after hearing each of these messages?
If a child hears regularly that he somehow is incompetent or incapable, he
will learn to be afraid to try new things and take risks. Encouraging messages,
such as those given by the fourth parent, help the child believe in herself, take
risks, and experience success.
Parents 1 and 3 are criticizing their child's attempt at risking. Parent 1 actu-
ally is telling the child how to fail ("Don't slip") and reminding the child of past
failures ("You know what happened last time"). Parent 3 is extremely critical, also

shaming, discouraging, and stifling.

The style of Parent 2 is more subtle. On the surface it sounds supportive but,
by patronizing and smothering, gives permission not to do well. The child learns
to be afraid to try new things and afraid of making mistakes.
 THE SECOND CIRCLE 29

Nonverbal messages also are powerful. These are facial expressions and ges-
tures that accompany words, or they can reflect attitudes without words. The
loud sigh, rolling of the eyes, hands on hips, tapping of the foot, the slamming
door say as much, if not more, than words. In many unhealthy families, for exam-
ple, a child learns early in life to watch for nonverbal signals from the parent and
makes decisions about self-worth based on these observations.
The messages we receive from families are powerful, and unless something
happens to change our view, we live our lives as if all family messages are true. They
actually do become true for us. The result is a circular process that works like this:

Beginning with Freud, psychologists have discussed the importance of early

events in a child's development. Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Freud, originat- 7

ed the concept of lifestyle, defined as "the pattern of dimly conscious beliefs and
4
goals that a person uses for interacting with others and for measuring self-worth."
Eric Berne, a major figure in the transactional analysis (TA) movement, used the
term script to describe a recurring pattern whereby people relive "unhappy child-
-

hood events."
'

Who we are today is determined by our memories. xMemories have been called
"biographies of the self that connect the past and present and . . . form the core of
our personal identity." 6 WTiether you call this personal identity lifestyle or lifescript,

our unique view of ourselves formed by our past can provide insight for us today.
The purpose of this insight is not to place blame on our past caregivers, although it

is natural to experience feelings such as disappointment or anger about our past.

Instead, we hope you will understand and eventually accept your past as a part of
you, then make a conscious decision to change the adult you are. W e believe in your
capability7 to do so. You can better understand yourself by identifying early messages.
 .

30 CHAPTER 3

analyzing your lijescript

PURPOSE
To help you understand your early messages as they relate to your school success.

INSTRUCTIONS
This exercise requires a quiet place and at least 30 minutes. The activity can trig-
ger emotions that may be uncomfortable or even painful for you. That is a normal
response. Therefore, do only as much per session as is comfortable for you. If you
do this exercise as part of a class, your instructor will allow some time for debrief-
ing and venting. If you do the exercise on your own, you may find value in
discussing it with a trusted friend, relative, or counselor.
Take a couple of deep breaths before you begin. Let your mind relax and your
memory' drift back to wherever you need to be to write the answers to the following:

1 Who constituted your family? Who raised you?

2. When you were very young, what was the best thing anyone ever said or
did to you?

3. How did you feel? WTien do you feel this way now?
4. What was the worst thing anyone ever said or did to you?

5. How did you feel? When do you have that feeling now?
6. Who in your family most encouraged your skills and interests?
7. In your family, who were you said to resemble, emotionally or physically?
Was this seen as positive or negative?

8. Are you aware of the origins of your name? Whom were you named after?
Did you have any nicknames? What were they? As you grew, how did you
feel about your name?
9. What were your mother's expectations for you as a child? As an adult?
10. What were your father's expectations for you as a child? As an adult?
11. How close are you to their expectations? Why?
12. How did your caregivers react to mistakes? How do you feel now when you
make mistakes?

13. What messages did you receive about:

a. Your ability* in school?

b. Your intelligence?
c. Your physical appearance?
 THE SECOND CIRCLE 31

d. Your abilities in relation to those of your siblings (or other relatives if

you were an only child)?
e. Your ability to succeed?

REFLECTIONS
Our lifescript messages can be deep, habitual, and powerful. However, making
them conscious through this analysis is an important first step in diminishing their
impact on us today. Remember, a crucial step toward enhanced self-esteem is to
know yourself. This awareness will better allow you to accept and capitalize on your
unique strengths, as well as develop parts of yourself that may need improvement.

Consider how these messages affect you today: WTiich are helpful? WTiich are
hurtful?

Can you give one or two examples of how your lifescript is affecting your
behavior? (Consider both positive and negative results.)

WTiat decisions have you made about your competence in different life areas?

Do these decisions affect you today? How? How valid are these decisions today?

Consider the sources of these messages. How clearly or objectively could those
individuals have seen your worth and gifts at the time? WTiat may have clouded
their perceptions? WTiat changes do you wish to make?

if?
I/-/ amily Role Models and
J Educational Messages
Our families of origin served as our role models in many areas. A role model is

someone we learn from and try to imitate. Even when we choose to do the oppo-
site of what we observe in our role models, they still affect us.

Families send messages about our appropriate place in the world and our
ability to achieve success. By taking time and effort to focus on these messages,
you can understand their impact and decide whether to keep or change them.

EDUCATIONAL ATTAINMENT OF PARENTS

Parents' educational achievements can influence their children's views of educa-
tion. In some homes, one or both parents are college graduates, and they clearly
are role models attesting to the value of advanced education. College attendance
is the unspoken expectation. As Nancy a 29-year-old returning student, put it:
7
,
32 CHAPTER 3

My parents always spoke about their college days with great fondness. Dad dropped
out during his sophomore year to go into business with his father, but he always
talked about the fun he had. Mom just expected me to pledge the same sorority she
was in. The question was -when I would attend college, never whether. I know they
were both disappointed when I dropped out after a semester and got married.

Robert's experience was just the opposite. He received strong messages about
the unimportance of school in his parents' lives. When an industrial injur) forced 7

him out of his career as a backhoe operator, those messages came back to him. In
addition to dealing with the usual insecurities of going back to school at age 30,
Robert also needed to confront voices from the past. He relates this story:

I grew up in an ethnic neighborhood in a large Midwestern city. Both my parents

were hardworking and thrift)' people. They were also very traditional. Mom stayed
home and raised the family while Dad worked in the automobile plant. Dad left
school after the eighth grade. He was a real success story in his family because his
job paid so well and the plant provided great benefits. He was suspicious of peo-
ple with education and always said that good common sense and hard work would
get you further than schoolbooks. They were pretty strong messages, not only
from him but also from the rest of the neighborhood. My decision to enter school
seems like a betrayal of Dad's values, even though I know that this is the most log-
ical step for me to take in view of my injury.

Y\Tiether you identify with Nancy or Robert, be aware that conscious or uncon-
scious family loyalties can be strained if you choose a different educational path.

FAMILY ENCOURAGEMENT OF EDUCATION

Families also differ in how they support and encourage their children's educational
efforts. In Nancy's case, parental hopes are clear. The expectation begins early in
life as the parents prepare the child for kindergarten with a feeling of anticipation.
The parents let the child know school is important, and they expect their child to
do well academically. Parents who value education commonly ask, "WTiat did you
do in school today, dear?" These parents encourage their children's learning and
progress and take an interest in the specifics of their children's studies. They
encourage good performance in a variety of ways. Kurt, 40, gives this account:

In my family we were expected to show good grades on our report cards. We got
money for every A we received, and a lot of praise. A good report card made me
feel special.

Aspirations for the child's education beyond high school are discussed fre-
quently. The child may hear that a relative has been accepted into college, and
the implication of pride in this accomplishment is clear. Again, Kurt relates:
 THE SECOND CIRCLE 33

When my cousin Carrie was accepted into law school, I remember my parents dis-
cussing it at the dinner table. From the tone of their voices and the admiration I

heard, I knew Carrie had accomplished something exceptional.

In other homes parents convey a strong expectation that the children will
attend school because that opportunity- had been denied to the parents. Studies of
adults who have succeeded despite coming from a poverty-stricken environment
demonstrate the influence parents have on their children's school achievement.
Parents who believe in the value of education and who encourage children to
work hard have been shown to be a major factor in helping children have a posi-
tive attitude toward learning. Parental attitude is more important than actual
assistance with homework. Even those parents who themselves could not read
and write exerted a positive force by making it clear that they expected their chil-
dren to do well in school. Raymond, one of four children of immigrants, says of
his parents: "They helped the four of us get through college and graduate school

not with monetary support but by demonstrating persistence." For parents to

have high goals for their children always has been an important part of the
.American dream, and these goals usually include college.
Support of education in some families takes the form of a college savings fund
beginning the day the child is born. The fund is discussed often in connection
with family dreams and plans. Brenda, age 21, tells about her college fund:

My parents started saving the day I was born. I always heard about my college

fund, but it wasn't until I was in high school that I fully understood what it was all

about and what college really meant. Of course, it made a big difference in my
plans to go on to school.

In families where education is not encouraged, children receive different

messages. The lack of support will not prevent you from having college expecta-
tions and plans for higher education. Family encouragement, however, gives a

head start and can make the students task easier.

EXERCISE
family messages about education
PURPOSE
To help you get in touch with some of your family's messages about education.

INSTRUCTIONS
Past Messages

Take a few minutes and just sit quietly. Breathe comfortably, and attempt to
visualize vourself on the first dav of school.
34 CHAPTER 3

WTiere were you going? Preschool? Kindergarten? First grade?

Can you remember what clothes you wore?

What do you remember about your school? Your teacher?

What messages did you receive about the school experience awaiting you?
Based on what you heard, what did you expect?
\\ no were the messages from? What did your parents and siblings say? W'ere
some messages implied rather than verbalized?

Write down some of these messages as they come to you. Be aware of whatever
information is available to you from these recollections.

Current Messages

Does your family and/or significant others support your educational goals?
What messages does your partner give you about your role as student and the
responsibilities that accompany that role?

What about your children's reaction?

What about your parents' reaction?

REFLECTIONS
Think about how your family's (both past and current) feelings toward educa-
tion affect your views of school in general and learning in particular. How valid
are their feelings in your life today? Is your commitment to school affected by
these views?

eading as a Family Value

J \ Family educational values can be implied subtly or stated clearly. Some
familieV4b r example, value reading. Studies show that when parents or signifi-

cant others read to children they are more likely to become readers themselves.
As author David Cooper says:

I can still remember my mother reading to me as a child. I have snapshots over 50

years old of me seated in my father's lap as he read to me. I know without any
doubt that a large part of any success I have had in my career as a reporter, writer
and editor has stemmed from my love of reading and my voracious appetite for
books, information and stories. 8
 THE SECOND CIRCLE 35

In families that value reading, the child is likely to have fond memories of
receiving books as holiday gifts, pride at being the owner of that first library card,
and frequent trips to the library as a family outing.

Some homes do not emphasize books and reading. Children may grow up
without recognizing reading as a useful means of gathering information or a form
of recreation and may be handicapped in education in later life. According to a

1999 study, the average American spends only 100 hours reading. Contrast this
with an annual figure of 1,567 hours spent watching television. 9
Reading is a necessary skill in school and at work. According to Cooper,
"Those who cannot read and communicate well in the future will be doomed to
10
a growing number of low-paying jobs."
Research shows that parents have a strong influence on a child's school per-
formance. 11 According to the Harvard Education Lette?; some of the most
important reading lessons occur within the family. i:
Lack of reading as a family value does not necessarily doom a child to a life as

a nonreader. Novelist Bernard Malamud relates that he grew up in a home with few
books and little cultural nourishment.
1
'
He clearly is an example of a person who

learned the value of reading outside the home. If you grew up with a love of read-
ing, however, you are likely to find re-entry into school smoother than if you need
to develop your reading skills as an adult. Once again, it is never too late to devel-
op study and reading skills. As your reading skills improve, so will your self-esteem.

ultural Support for Education

Cultures that place a high value on educational achievement as a way to
improve one s chances in life are likely to transmit these messages through the fam-
ily. A study of Indochinese refugee children illustrates this value and underscores
the importance of the family in school achievement. 14 Although the children stud-
ied were traumatized severely by their escape from Southeast Asia, had lost months
and, in some cases, years of formal schooling, and arrived in the United States with
limited skill in English, they adjusted quickly to U.S. schools and began to excel.
WTien researchers from the University- of Michigan sought to explain this level of
achievement, their findings showed a strong link between family values and educa-
tion. Even though the children attended schools in low-income metropolitan areas r
family support, not the school itself, was what made the difference.

Researchers learned that in the refugee homes, schoolwork was a family

affair. Although the parents spoke little English and were unable to provide aca-

demic assistance, they did create an atmosphere that contributed to their

children's success. After the evening meal was over, the table was cleared and the
children sat down to do homework. The older children helped the younger ones,
and the parents assisted by doing household chores so the children could study.
36 CHAPTER 3

The Indochinese children invested far more time in schoolwork than their U.S.
counterparts did. The Indochinese high school students averaged three hours
and ten minutes per day on schoolwork. The junior high school students spent
two and one half hours a day doing schoolwork. The grade schoolers did school-
work two hours and five minutes each day In U.S. homes, the average time
spent on schoolwork is one and one half hours per day for both junior and senior
high students.
The researchers found, in addition to family support and encouragement, a
"love of learning" was reported by the parents and children alike. Learning was
considered pleasurable for its own sake and as a means of advancement. The
Indochinese participants found satisfaction in acquiring knowledge and growing
intellectually. Contrast this view with one expressed in a newspaper story about a

U.S. high school drop-out:

"It was boring, boring, boring," he says. He found "no use" for history7 and biol-,

15
ogy "was just cutting up animals. I didn't care what was inside."

The Indochinese culture does not have a corner on helping its children suc-
ceed in school. Similar successes have been found in family studies of other ethnic
groups, such as Jewish immigrant children in the 1930s and 1940s and Japanese-
American children after World War II. A group of high-achieving
African-American children from a low-income area of Chicago was also found to
have family atmospheres that supported school and learning. 16
Cultural messages about education can have the opposite effect and place the
student at odds with the family and/or culture. In a poignant account of growing
up in rural Appalachia, author Caffilene Allen tells of the conflict between what
she learned at school and what she experienced at home. Her growing discomfort
as she realized how her teachers viewed her mother's lack of education and the
resulting split in her loyalties illustrates the push-pull feeling that can occur when
school and culture clash. Allen voices appreciation for the encouragement of her
teachers and the fact that they gave her books to take home and helped find schol-
arships for her. At the same time she felt conflict because "they taught me to hate
my culture, to despise people who had a different linguistic approach to life, even
if one of those people was my mother." She goes on to say, "Regaining a sense of
pride in my Appalachian heritage and an appreciation for who my mother was as
a person was one of the hardest and most valuable tasks of my adult life."
1

Because the family communicates cultural messages, a supportive culture

makes a significant contribution in setting the stage for school success.
Examining cultural messages is useful, not in a blaming way but, instead, as a
source of information about ourselves. We all are products of our upbringing, and
understanding this reality provides more tools with which to make changes.
and of equal importance, the family that currently surrounds us
Additionally,
transmits messages about our student role, study time, homework, and so on. If
 —

THE SECOND CIRCLE 37

your significant others are supportive, college will be easier to adjust to and to
manage. If they are not supportive in overt and obvious ways, it might be harder
for you to devote your time and focus on attendance, study, and college require-
ments. If you feel some lack of support from your current family and friends.
Chapters Seven and Eight contain some strategies that will work for vou.

& irst-Generation Students

Other educational messages come as a result

ation in a family to attend college. First-generation students face a variety of

pressures that are not present in families where education
longstanding tradition. Recognizing the barriers that first-generation students
of being the

is
first

an accepted and
gener-

face, the U. S. government legislated the landmark TRIO programs in the 1970s.
The TRIO programs —Talent Search. Upward Bound, and Special Services
were charged with identifying and providing services to promising
first-generation students to help them overcome educational barriers. These pro-
grams, administered by the United States Education Department's Division of
Student Services, continue to target first-generation students today. They also
assist the educational progress of students who have low income or disabilities

.Many colleges receive TRIO grants. Other schools have similar programs. The
purpose of these programs, regardless of name or funding source, is to support
and encourage first-generation students.
First-generation students often face barriers such as little family support, lack
of educational role models, and no identifiable educational goals. Because of lack
of experience, the family may not understand the time needed for study. .Also, if

family members do not hold college degrees, first-generation students may not
see the long-term professional or monetary rewards of college.
Helen, age 19, says:

I would try to study at home, but I think that to my mother it appeared I was doing
nothing, just sitting around reading all the time. She would ask me to watch the
younger kids or to run to the store, even though I had started my homework. She
tried hard to understand, but I know she didn't. I guess I would have been the same
before I knew about college.

irth Order, School Performance,

i and Self-Esteem
Position within the family, or birth order, influences how one copes with the
demands of school. Research on birth order reveals that first-born children.
38 CHAPTER 3

because of their place in their family, are more likely to attend college. They have
high motivation to achieve. They tend to choose careers such as mathematics,
engineering, physics, architecture, and chemistry, which require abstract thought
and little social contact. Many first-borns become college faculty members, which
probably accounts for more research conducted on this family position than any
other! A frequently quoted fact substantiating the achievement orientation of this
birth position is that 21 of the original 23 astronauts were the oldest children.
The other two were only children. 19
First-borns tend to be responsible, perfectionistic, and motivated to achieve.
They are able to deal with authority and structured situations. As Kevin Leman
says in The Sen- Birth Order Book: "They thrive on being in control, on time, and
organized," all characteristics that lead to success in school. 20
According to Wilson and Edington in their book First Child, Second Child.
middle children are harder to define. They do not have the advantages of being
trailbiazing first-borns or the relaxed acceptance of being the "baby" in the fam-
ily. They often compete in areas in which the oldest or youngest do not excel.
For example, if the oldest in the family already has carved out a niche as the
scholar, the middle child may become the artistic or athletic one, depending on
his skills and abilities. Middle children tend to be more sociable, especially as
teenagers. They develop what they want a skill needed
tenacity in going after —
in the family of origin, where they are caught between their siblings.
21
When
middle children become students, their tenacity and willingness to try harder
can be an advantage.
Youngest children have the advantage of having older siblings from whom
they can learn about the world in general and school in particular. In some cases,
a youngest child, as the baby of the family, may have been overprotected and
spoiled.
22
The lives of youngest children can be a series of contradictions —being
pampered and coddled, yet feeling they are not taken seriously because of their
position as the youngest. Given their last-born position, they often compensate
by "grabbing the limelight" as a way to feel valued.
Psychologist and author Kevin Leman, the youngest of three children,
describes himself as becoming a "clown" to seek attention when he believed he
could not compete with his high-achieving oldest sister and second-born broth-
er. "That was my thing in life
—
getting people to laugh or point or comment."
25

Leman's struggle with school is typical of the academic life of many last-borns.
He didn't apply himself in high school and performed so poorly that he had trou-
ble getting accepted to college when he finally decided to turn himself around.
Eventually Leman earned a master's and a doctoral degree and described himself
as "one of the few licensed psychologists I know who went through college and
post-graduate work —thirteen years in all —without the benefit of a high school
education. I literally did not learn much of anything in high school, a fact that

hardly makes me proud." 24

 THE SECOND CIRCLE 39

Lack of ability did not keep Dr. Leman from achieving in high school. He
had made some choices based on a view of the world as seen from his family posi-
tion. Fortunately for all of us, decisions like this are subject to change once we
have information on how we made them!
The ability to deal well with people is a strength youngest children tend to
bring to the academic setting. They usually are charming, friendly, and relaxed
around others, giving them an edge in the classroom, where interaction is a plus.
The youngest-born are frequently drawn toward vocations that are people-orient-
ed. They may need to develop skills in taking responsibility and being cooperative.
Birth order characteristics are not absolutes. Many factors affect self-image in
relation to family position. If a person is from a large family sibling spacing
should be considered, as sub-groupings of children may exist within the larger
group. A family of seven children, for example, may have a gap of five or more
years between the first three children and the last four. Here, the children func-
tion as two sub-groups. If siblings have died or were born with a disability, the
family's pattern may not be typical. If yours is a large family, or if you believe it

has some unusual factors, you may want to refer to one or more of the books list-

ed in the bibliography for additional information.

Table 3.1 lists typical characteristics of children in the first or oldest, middle,
and youngest position within a family. These, again, are not absolute, and you
may not fit them exactly.

Judy, a 28-year-old re-entry student, appeared in the counselor's office com-

plaining that she felt stressed. She never had enough time to do her work the
way she wanted to do it, and she seriously questioned her ability to be in school
at all: "I just can't get it all done. By the time I got all the material from the

Characteristics of children by birth order in family.

m
^L_
i

Oldest Middle Youngest

Responsible Independent Charming

Conservative Sociable Limelight-loving

Perfectionistic Sensitive to injustices Manipulative

Disciplined Striving Playful

Serious Diplomatic Blaming

Conforming to Good at negotiating Rebellious

authority Creative Spontaneous

40 CHAPTER 3

library for my history paper, I didn't have enough time to do a good job typing
it up. Then I was scheduled to help out at my daughter's preschool. It's just too
much for me."
In discussing her family background with the counselor, Judy listed her fam-
ily pattern like this:

Mark age 39

Sara age 38

Judy age 28

Kathy age 27

Jim age 25

Viewing her family pattern on paper helped Judy see that she was like an
eldest child inmany ways. Because of the 10-year age difference between her-
self and her older sister, Judy behaved more like a first-born child than she
realized. As she listened to the counselor's explanation of the effect of birth
order, the perfectionistic tendencies that led her to counseling in the first place
made sense. She was able to use this information to understand how she
became overcommitted and set impossible standards for herself. A typical high
achiever, she gathered more material for her paper than she had to. If she could
ease up on her self-criticism and let go of some of the striving for perfection,
she would feel less pressure and less self-doubt. Armed with a new under-
standing of herself, Judy was able to make positive changes in the ways she
coped with school.

assessing the effects of birth order

Understanding the effect birth order has on your behavior can help you see if cur-
rent patterns help or hinder your progress in school.

PURPOSE
To help you recognize your family pattern.

INSTRUCTIONS
List your siblings from oldest to youngest (including yourself) with their ages.
Notice years between births. Then list words that describe you and each of
your siblings. WTiich child was most like mother? Most like father?
 THE SECOND CIRCLE 41

REFLECTIONS
Consider these questions:
What patterns do you see? Can you draw any conclusions from your birth
order? How might this affect your performance in school and your self-esteem?

A ummary
V_^ Early messages from your family influence your self-esteem and conclu-
sions you reach about how you fit into the world, whether the world is a safe or
a fearful place, and whether taking risks is okay. This can help or hinder your
progress in school. If your parents and culture teach that learning for its own sake
is valuable, that love of reading is a positive quality, and that education is a way to
better yourself, you might have an easier time fitting into higher education.
By now you can begin to see how your personality' is shaped by the messages
of the second This should help you build on your strengths and counter-
circle.

act your weaknesses. This knowledge can help you enhance your self-esteem and
improve your chances for doing well in school.

NOTES
1. Janet Woititz, The Struggle for Intimacy (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health
Communications, 1983), pp. 39-40.
2. Christine Courtois, Healing the Incest Wound: Adult Survivors in Therapy
(New York: \V. W. Norton, 1988), p. 105.

3. Courtois, p. 104.

4. Warren Rule, Lifestyle Counseling for Adjustment to Disability (Rockville, AID:

Aspen Systems, 1984), p. 4.
5. Claude Steiner, Scripts People Live (New York: Bantam Books, 1975), p. 16.

6. John W Santrock, Psychology, 6th ed. (Boston: McGraw-Hill, 2000), p. 240.

7. Janine Bempechat, "Learning from Poor and Minority Students Who

Succeed in School," Harvard Education Letter Research Online, Jan./Feb.
2001, http://www.edletter.org/past/issues/1999.

8. David B. Cooper, "The Best Gift Ever: The Love of Reading," Arizona
Daily Star, Dec. 16, 1991.
42 CHAPTER 3

9. Krista Ramsey, "Let's Bring Back Reading as a First Love," The Cincinnati
Enquirer, June 19, 1999, http://enquirer.com/columns/ramsey/1999/06.

10. Cooper.
1 1. Bempechat.
12. Leon Lynn, "Language-Rich Home and School Environments Are Key to
Reading Success," Harvard Education Letter Research Online, July/Aug. 1997,
http://wM-w.edletter.org/past/issues/1997.

13. Cooper.
14. Nathan Caplan, Marcella H. Choy, and John K. WTiitmore, "Indochinese
Refugee Families and Academic Achievement," Scientific American, Feb.
1992, pp. 36-42.

15. Keith Ray, "So Long to School," Arizona Daily Star, Dec. 16, 1991.

16. Caplan et al., p. 42.

17. Caffilene Allen, "First They Changed My Name . . .

," MS., Jan./Feb. 1994.
18. "What Is TRIO?" http://www.trioprograms.org/council/atri_what.html.

19. Kevin Leman, The New Birth Order Book (Grand Rapids, All: Fleming H.
Ravell, 1998), p. 17.

20. Leman, p. 88.

2 1. B. Wilson and G. Edington, First Child, Second Child . . . Your Birth Order
Profile (New York: McGraw-Hill, 1981), p. 106.

22. Leman, p. 185.

23. Leman, p. 168.

24. Leman, p. 183.

 / he Third Circle
ISAGES FROM THE IMMEDIATE ENVIRONMENT

How do teachers' personality types interact with core circle preferences?

How does learning style influence the development of self-esteem?

How do peers, school, and class size relate to self-esteem?

What is the influence of race and gender in the educational environment?

How do physical differences affect self-esteem development?

What effect does anxiety have on school performance?

Inborn preferences and family of origin have a significant impact on the

development of self-esteem, as discussed in Chapters Two and Three. During

the first five to seven years, children's perspectives on the world and their

unique place in it are most often shaped by observations and interactions in

the home. Although children may be in day care (and are certainly influenced
by peers) parents still remain their primary reference to the world. Between

ages five and seven, however, a child's world view undergoes a dramatic shift.

When we realize that our children spend between four and nine hours a day.

five days a week, in a school setting, we see how influential peers can be. Over

12 years, this works out to more than 14,000 hours in school!

Thus, between ages five and seven, a crucial psychological change

occurs in children: they develop the ability to compare themselves to oth-

ers. Before that age, children do not rate how smart, physically adept, or

attractive they are. Around age seven children begin to rate themselves,

based on social comparisons, as more or less competent, attractive, intel-

ligent, or physically able than their peers. This ability influences children's

self-concepts tremendously. They measure themselves against others,

and this affects their self-esteem.

1
Other children become a major source
2
of modeling and approval.

43
44 CHAPTER 4

Although children of all ages need parents and rely on their love and acceptance

for self-esteem enhancement, gradually, there is a shift in focus to the young person's

peers as an important source of self-esteem. Peers from the neighborhood, in addi-

tion to those from school, can also greatly influence the self-rating.

Boys and girls are exposed regularly to children from upbringings different from

theirs, to significant authoritative adults called teachers, and to new information. The
influence of teachers, friends, and curriculum on self-esteem, with special attention

to school, is the focus of this chapter.

chool Peer Group and Class Size

L Do you recall who the "smartest" kids in your class or neighborhood
were? How about the fastest runner? Teachers' "pets"? The "prettiest" girls? The
"cutest" boys? Chances are you can still name these people.
Ask this question of children you know today. If they are in at least first or
second grade and even through high school, they will quickly be able to tell you
the "pecking order" or hierarchy of the "fastest," "smartest," "funniest" kids in
the class or neighborhood, and where they fit in!

As discussed in Chapter One, a person's self-esteem relies heavily on accom-

plishments in areas that are important, not only to the self but also for the peer
group or culture to which she belongs. Being viewed as successful among peers
greatly influences how we rate ourselves. If a person consistently lands at the bot-
tom of the group, especially in several areas that are important to his group and
himself, his self-esteem may suffer. Conversely, the more areas in which individ-
uals are satisfied with themselves, as compared to their peers, the more likely it is

their self-esteem will be enhanced.

Another variable is the size of your social group of peers. "A big fish in a small
pond" is a common expression in our culture. Like many platitudes, this one con-
tains a large grain of truth. Take the example of Sandy. She attended elementary
classes with 28 to 30 children. A naturally quiet, introverted child, she did her
schoolwork diligently, performed well, and received As and B's in all of her sub-
jects. Ten other children in her class had similar grades, but they were extraverted
and received lots of teacher attention because of their ease of speaking up and
asking questions. Therefore, Sandy did not often receive the kind of recognition,
attention, praise, or encouragement a child needs to build confidence. Her talents
were taken for granted.
Xow let's go back and put Sandy in a "smaller pond." Her class has 18 chil-

dren, and only two or three other children also earn high grades. Consequently,
Sandy receives more praise and recognition, and she develops more confidence.
Feelingmore comfortable in smaller groups, she speaks up more. She now views
 THE THIRD CIRCLE 45

herself as special. Essentially, feedback in this environment reinforces her for her
unique gifts. Can you see how the size of your social group and peers might influ-
ence your sense of personal effectiveness?
Recent research on class size has demonstrated that in early primary school
grades, classes with between 15 and 20 students lead to higher levels of academ-
ic achievement. Furthermore, student achievement becomes even more
pronounced for disadvantaged and minority students. Students, teachers, and
parents all report positive effects on the quality of classroom activity when class-
es have fewer students. 3
It stands to reason that increased support and individual attention, plus the
sense of acknowledgement and recognition that results from smaller classes, cre-
ate greater feelings of competence in students as their actual academic
achievements improve. The classroom "family" interactions become more con-
ducive to learning and achievement, building an "I can do it" mentality.

n Undents' Learning Styles and

Teachers' Personality Preferences
Do you compare yourself to others and discover you are doing as well as or bet-
ter than some of your peers? If so, your academic self-esteem might be quite
healthy. On the other hand, Sandy, an introvert and feeling-type child, relates
that she had a difficult time in school emotionally when she began to conscious-
ly compare herself to others:

You know, you just want to be like everyone else. No matter how often I raised my
hand, it seems the teacher called on me and noticed me a lot less than others. I

couldn't just shout out answers to questions. I wanted and waited to be called on,

and it seems I just didn't get enough turns. I often came home from school feeling

kind of different from others — almost invisible. ... 1 mean, I knew the answers to

questions, but it didn't seem to matter.

Chapter One presented framework to understand certain aspects of the core

a
self based on Jung's work and the Myers-Briggs framework. Your own prefer-
ences and your teacher's preferences interact in many ways. For example, an
extraverted teacher who values classroom interaction may overlook the reflective
style of a student who is introverted. If the classroom emphasis is on group rather
than one-to-one dynamics, the introvert's more introspective style could be over-
looked. If a sensing-type teacher provides mostly factual tests and programmed
learning lessons, an intuitive-type student may have trouble with tests and moti-
vation. In contrast, a highly intuitive teacher may focus on symbolic and
conceptual lessons and testing, such as open-ended questions. A sensing-type stu-
46 CHAPTER 4

dent, who tends to prefer the concrete, will struggle with intuitive methods. A
feeling-type student, who values human interaction and feedback, might feel
intimidated and put down by an objective, thinking-oriented instructor who ana-
lyzes and criticizes impersonally- Teachers' personality 7 preferences inevitably

influence the style and methods

which instruction is delivered.
in
Generally, the closer your learning style
is to your instructor's teaching style,

the more comfortable you will be in that teacher's class. Although the subject
matter being taught will influence the types of teachers and students attracted to
certain classes, you will likely encounter college teachers with at least one or more
preferences that are different from your own. Here's a look at some overall pat-
terns you might expect from college teachers:

• intuition is preferred over sensing

• at least half of college teachers prefer introversion

• the thinking preference occurs more frequently than the feeling preference
4
• judging is preferred more often than perception - 5

Once again, insights into your personality style can highlight areas of
strength and areas where you will want to adjust, adapt, and learn new study skills.
The goal is not to change who you are, but to recognize your own competence
and broaden your repertoire of tools for success. You may want to review the dis-
cussion of personality7 type and learning found in Chapter Two. Chapters Seven
and Eight will provide strategies for increased academic success.
Keep in mind that although some of the patterns we discuss here do exist in
some teachers (and all other human beings!), the intention, influence, and result
of the work of a great majority of educators is to contribute in a positive way to
7

student learning and development. All of us can probably name at least one edu-
cator who influenced our lives in a beneficial way, and in Exercise 4.1 you will
have an opportunity7 to thank those individuals.

lassroom Interactions: Race, Gender, and

Minority Status in the School System
A country's educational system is not immune to the positive or negative mes-

sages conveyed by that country's culture. Prejudice and attitudes toward

individuals perceived as different from the majority may permeate the classroom
environment and are sometimes conveyed by teachers as well as other students.
WTiether or not they are conscious or intentional, teachers' stereotypes and opin-
ions about any group of students about whom they hold preconceived notions
will affect their feelings and behaviors toward those students. In turn, students are
 THE THIRD CIRCLE 47

greatly influenced by the attitudes of their teachers as authority figures.

Naturally, student self-esteem will be either positively or negatively affected,
depending on their treatment and the kinds of messages that are conveyed by
their teachers.
Xieto 6 cites numerous studies in which racism is manifested in schools
through tracking, low expectations of students, and negative self-esteem con-
tributed to by teachers' treatment. Katrina, a young Latina college student,
remembers:

W nenever we [Katrina and her Latina girlfriends] would be laughing and having
fun before class, our teacher would give us dim -
looks and tell us to settle down.
But it seemed like when the white kids were doing the same before class, she would
just kind of smile at them. It seemed unfair to us because we got in trouble and
they didn't.

Educators can create an educational environment that supports increased

minority student achievement through providing role models, adequate teacher
training, smaller class size, availability of an inclusive and more challenging cur-
riculum, and even-handed discipline policies. By extension, minority students'
competency and feelings of self-esteem will then increase.
Teacher interaction is not the only factor in school that contributes to how
and in what subject areas we gain feelings of competence and self-esteem.
Obviously, much of what we learn is from textbooks. When many of us were
going to school as impressionable children, textbooks rarely depicted minority
students in their illustrations, reading books were centered on physically
assertive male characters, history books were dominated by white male heroes,
and women and minorities often had minor or stereotypical roles (for example,
Betsy Ross worked as a seamstress). A person with disabilities, if depicted at all,

was shown as a superperson (Helen Keller) or in need of assistance (Charles

Dickens' Tiny Tim).
A recent examination of gender roles 8 in textbooks shows that males and
females are now depicted in more equal numbers than in previous decades. Yet
boys and men are rarely if ever shown in nurturing roles or in nontraditional
occupations for males. Male traits are still very traditionally portrayed as compet-
itiveand aggressive. Indeed, textbook publishers have expanded female characters
with more "masculine" traits, such as leadership skills. Females displaying mas-
culine personality traits seem to be more acceptable in our culture than males
with "feminine" traits such as caring and vulnerability.
Increasingly, minority accomplishments and minority characters are shown in
textbooks. However, Anglo representation continues to dominate in both story line
9
and highlighted achievements, and people of color are still minimally portrayed.
Differential treatment according to gender occurs in schools in other subtle
ways. Scott wryly recalls:
48 CHAPTER 4

In high school I took a "boys" class called "Bachelor Living."' It was highly rec-
ommended and thought to be quite progressive. Sort of "equal opportunity." We
learned to cook, sew, and run a household. It was a fun class, but when I think
about it now, the class title implied that bachelors needed to be taught these home-
making skills. Then, after we got married, our wives would take over the "women's
work" and then we wouldn't need to do this stuff anymore!

Recently, significant progress has been made that has increased educational
opportunities for girls. Girls outperform boys in reading and writing, are less
likely to repeat grades than boys, and have fewer problems with schoolwork and
"
behavior. At the college level, the majority of all undergraduates are women! 1

Yet, by eighth grade, females are less likely than males to say they feel competent
at math and science. And by the college level, gender differences in college majors
persist. Women are still concentrated in lower-paying fields like education, and men
still dominate higher-paving fields like engineering and computer science. In fact, in

today's labor force, more women work as teachers (elementary and secondary, not col-
lege), secretaries, and cashiers, and in management-related occupations. Large
numbers of women work for low pay and are the sole providers for their families. Of
all single-parent families, 27 percent lived below the poverty' level. 11
At the same time, in spite of any natural inclination they might have, boys are
still often discouraged from pursuing "feminine" careers such as teaching and
nursing, and in fact are accused of being less than male if they do so. These
careers pa}- less, with society's message being that masculine trait-based careers
are more valuable than "feminized" careers.
Unfortunately for many boys in our culture, their general weakness in the neces-
sary workplace and college success skills of reading and writing has led to fewer young
men going to college than 20 years ago. The "mask of masculinity" (false bravado and
self-confident behavior) that boys often put on, has led us to assume that boys are
more confident and competent as learners than many have turned out to be. 12
Gender role expectations begin from the moment a child is born, when the
first question asked is "WTiat did you have, a boy or girl?" From then on colors

of clothing (pink or blue), toys (dolls or action figures), and even personality traits

(aggressive or nurturing) are scripted by our culture. 1

The family and then the
'

school place clear gender expectations on the child. As we see from the conse-
quences throughout the school years and into college and employment, gender
expectations have far-reaching psychological and economic impacts.
Although we cannot change past negative experiences or faulty expectations in
educational settings, we can become proactive about our current classroom expe-
riences. Chapter Eight highlights those special strategies to be applied at school.
Furthermore, we can honor and pursue the career and educational interests
that excite and attract us. With support from role models, mentors, and peers,
being who we are (in spite of what society tells us is okay for our gender or race)
for self-esteem enhancement becomes entirely possible.
 THE THIRD CIRCLE 49

isabilities and Self-Esteem

<b
undoubtedly have
People with
felt
disabilities who are considering returning to school
the impact of school messages. As other minority groups
have learned, the educational system does not adapt well to uniqueness. Those
who were in school before legislation was passed guaranteeing equal access to
education are aware of former restrictions. Although it is difficult to believe

today, prior to the 1970s legislation, colleges actually could deny admission to
students because they had physical disabilities. Laws today not only open doors,
but mandate that colleges must provide reasonable accommodations to allow stu-
dents with disabilities to learn and participate in campus life.
Thoughtless treatment of students with disabilities can affect their self-

esteem. While our society has made strides in embracing racial and ethnic
diversity, we still lag behind in our acceptance of persons with disabilities as
competent, capable individuals. Growing up with a physical disability may have
meant being singled out for special treatment and sometimes even ridicule. In
elementary, middle, and high school, the very times when students most want to
be like everyone else, having a disability means standing out. It also can mean
being left out.

Claudia, a woman with cerebral palsy, tells of the hurt of sitting on the side-
lines watching her classmates play running games at recess. Her unsteady gait and
uncertain balance prevented her from taking part in active play. "The kids weren't
really mean. They were just being kids. Nobody wanted to spend time with me
at recess because I couldn't run and couldn't play rough."
14
Misconceptions still exist about disabilities. Many persons with disabilities
report experiencing unpleasant treatment based on some or all of the following
false assumptions:

• The assumption of inferiority —people who are disabled are incapable,

childlike, and in need of protection.

• The assumption that because a person has disabilities in one area, other
areas are affected as well (an example is seeing a person in a wheelchair and
assuming cognitive impairment as well).

• The assumntion that all disabled persons are the same (for example, one
person who uses a wheelchair is like any other).

• The assumption the people with disabilities are unhappy individuals and are
to be pitied.

• The assumption that less should be expected of people with disabilities.

(For example, the idea that students with disabilities can't do the same work
as non-disabled students and thus should be held to lesser standards.)
50 CHAPTER 4

• The assumption that more should he expected of people with disabilities.

(For example, the idea that a blind person has amazing hearing capabilities).

• The assumption that all physical disabilities are visible: If you can't see it, it

doesn't exist.

A disability sets a person apart. Even most accepting schools, the dif-
in the

ferences are clear and self-esteem can suffer. Depending on what kind of a buffer
the family life provides, a person draws some conclusions about self-worth and
ability as a student.

Some students have disabilities that are not visible, but they still feel the

impact of school messages. Other non-visible disabilities may affect self-

esteem. "Having a disability- that doesn't show means I constantly have to

explain and justify myself," one student reported. It can be difficult to maintain
a positive self-esteem in the face of constant doubt from others. Indeed, some-
times these students are accused of faking a disability in order to gain
preferential treatment. 15
Students who have learning disabilities are one example. These students have
average or above-average intelligence, yet their inability- to perform as required
in the school system opens the door to misunderstandings. As one student with a

learning disability puts it:

My high school teachers thought I was stupid because I had difficulty spelling

words. They thought I couldn't handle college. They would rip papers I submit-
ted because they couldn't read my handwriting. 16
Many students with learning disabilities report growing up feeling stupid
because they were unable to process information the same way as their peers, had
difficulty fitting into the educational system, and were thought by teachers and
peers to be incapable.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) presents many of the
same problems in the early school years. Youngsters with this disability are
unable to sit still in school, finish tasks, listen, concentrate, and memorize.
Socially, they may have problems maintaining friendships. Some young people
seem to outgrow this disability as they reach adulthood, but the difficulties
continue for others. The estimated incidence of ADHD in the adult popula-
tion is6-10 percent. 1

Those who grew up with a learning problem need to pay special attention to
the messages they received as learners. The disabilitymay have caused some mis-
understandings about their capabilities, and old messages may come back to
haunt them if they are not aware of the impact. As adults they have the ability to
succeed, but to do so requires revising old messages received from a system that
didn't understand the unique learning needs of these students.
 THE THIRD CIRCLE 51

ath Anxiety and Other Fears

Jeanne, a re-entry student who is 44 years old, talks about her diffi-

culty with math:

When I was in high school, math was supposed to be a "boys'" subject. Girls

weren't expected to be good at it, and I certainly wasn't. I really didn't see a need
to study math. It was hard and boring. Besides, according to my mother, all the
women in her family had difficulty with math and science, so when I went to col-
lege right out of high school, I picked a major that didn't require math. It wasn't
my first choice, but I was convinced I was going to fail math anyway.

Mack tells this story:

I enjoyed math until about the seventh grade. Then we moved to another city, and
I found the new class was way ahead of me. The teacher made me feel dumb for

being so behind, and the other kids made jokes about my stupid mistakes. I start-

ed really dreading that class and ditched it whenever I could. Now my math skills

are so bad, I doubt I can handle even bonehead math.

Both these students display what we now term math anxiety. It is defined
as a physical and psychological reaction to math that impedes retention of the
subject and affects performance in class and on tests. Students who have math
anxiety usually have stories to tell about their negative experiences with the
subject. Their self-esteem was affected early by messages from their teachers
and classmates. Most negative math experiences happen in childhood and early
adolescence.
Counselors who work with math anxious students have identified several rea-
sons for the onset of math anxiety. 18 Some of these reasons are:

• Past embarrassments in math classes. Being shamed or ridiculed for not know-
ing answers or making a mistake can result in a high level of anxiety
associated with math.

• Poor curriculum. This may include poorly chosen textbooks, gaps in course
sequences, inadequate preparatory courses, and a pace that moves too
rapidly for students to comprehend the concepts.

• Poor teaching methods. Teachers may not have been trained to teach math or
may have taught in a manner that hindered student learning.

• Negative life experiences associated with math. These can be emotional upsets
within a family (such as death, divorce, or an illness) that result in loss of
school time.
 52 CHAPTER 4

• Family pressures and expectations. Family members who severely reprimand

mistakes or place an unreasonable amount of pressure on students to suc-
ceed in math may contribute to math anxiety.
• A desire to be perfect. Interpreting any struggle with math as an indicator of
lack of perfection may foster math anxiety.

• Negative math "games" — self-talk or messages from significant others — may

hinder success.
• Cultural myths and stereotypes, such as beliefs that success in math is limited
only to those who possess a special, innate ability, can exacerbate math
anxiety.

The development of math anxiety demonstrates how messages from the third
circle can affect self-esteem and performance in school.
Other messages from the Third Circle can show up in the form of test anxi-
ety and/or generalized school anxiety. These anxieties are responses to scan- or
difficult experiences in the early years. If you had experiences of that nature in

your early school life, you probably incorporated them into your messages about
yourself as a learner, and you may have low self-esteem in the educational area.
You may need to understand and re-evaluate these messages to give yourself a
chance to succeed as a re-entry student.
Fortunately for Jeanne and Alack, their college provides workshops for con-
quering math anxiety. Through those resources, they have the tools to begin to
overcome past programming. You will learn more about accessing personal and col-
lege resources for math anxiety and other school-related anxieties in Chapter Eight.
7

EXERCISE
the impact of the third circle

PURPOSES
To highlight the impact of the educational system on your self-esteem.

To discuss the positive and negative influences of teachers on self-esteem and

learning.

To discuss the influence of different learning styles, gender, feared subjects, and
disabilities on your current feelings about school.

INSTRUCTIONS
Answer the following questions:

1. Recall your earliest experiences in school. Review memorable elementary 7

school, high school, and any post-secondary experiences. Think about your
 THE THIRD CIRCLE 53

teachers, counselors, or principals. What positive experiences or messages

can you recall? What is the best thing an educator ever said or did for you?
How do you think that has affected your self-esteem? What is the worst
thing an educator ever said or did to you? How do you think that has
affected your self-esteem in regard to education?

2. How large were your classes? Knowing what you know about the influence
of class size on a child's perception of success, what impact did class size
have on your personal view? How do you think you compared yourself to
your peers? How did that comparison affect your feelings?

3. What were your best subjects? Worst? How much did your instructor (per-
sonality or teaching style) influence your feelings and performance in those
subjects? How do you feel about those subjects today?
4. What role models influenced you in elementary school and high school?
Whom did you want to emulate? Teachers? Clergy? Parents? Neighbors?
Fictional or nonfictional characters in texts or literature?

5. Did any teachers or family members encourage or discourage you from

pursuing interests in school because of, or in spite of, your gender?

Optional activity: Write a letter of thanks (whether you do or do not send it) to
the teacher or counselor who influenced your self-esteem and confidence most
positively.

REFLECTIONS
Discuss your answers as a class or in small groups. Small-group members
should report to the class on patterns and trends emerging from the small-group
discussions.

ummary
Like the other circles, the third one —the immediate environment outside
the family, of which schools and peers are a large part —influences self-esteem.
Teachers and classroom materials, our gender and our native culture, the size of
our schools and classes, our abilities and disabilities, how we rate ourselves com-
pared to the peer group we are part of, the time period when we attended
school — all of these aspects combine in forming our view of ourselves. Other fac-
tors include math anxiety, fear of tests, and fear of school in general. As was the
case with the inner circles, understanding these influences is a step toward under-
standing how to proceed from here.
 .

54 CHAPTER 4

The purpose of reviewing these influences is not to dwell upon their possible
negative effects but, instead, to learn enough about ourselves to identify strengths
that may have been overlooked or underdeveloped (in part because of where we
happen to have grown up), to develop patterns of action that emphasize our
strengths and not our weaknesses, and to find the means of realizing our goals
that take into account our personality preferences, learning styles, and other fac-

tors. Ifyou now have a better idea of some of the messages that may have been
conveyed to you, whether those messages were negative or positive, you are bet-
ter prepared to grow beyond the effect of those messages.

NOTES
1 Jerome Kagan, The Power and Limitations of Parents (Austin, TX: University
of Texas, Hogg Foundation for Mental Health, 1986), p. 6.

2. Linda Brannon, Gender-Psychological Perspectives (Needham Heights, ALA:

Allyn and Bacon, 1999), p. 143.

3. Reducing Class Size, HTiat Do We Kjiotv?, U. S. Department of Education

Publications, March 1999,
\vww.ed.gov/pubs/ReducingClass/Class_size.html.

4. Gordon Lawrence, People Types and Tiger Stripes (Gainesville, FL: Center
tor Applications of Psychological Type, 1993), p. 21.

5. John DiTerberio, "Education, Learning Styles and Cognitive Styles" in

MBTI Applications: A Decade of Research on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
(Palo Alto: Consulting Psychologists Press, 1996), pp. 144-145.

6. Sonia Xieto, Affn-ming Diversity' (New York: Addison \\ esley Longman,

2000), pp. 37-39.

7. Rebecca Gordon, Libero Delia Piara, and Terry Keleher, "Facing the
Consequences: An
Examination of Discriniination in U.S. Public Schools, Applied
Research Center, 2000, www.arc.org.
8. Lorraine Evans, "No Sissy Boys Here: A Content Analysis of the
Representation of Masculinity in Elementary School Reading Textbooks" in
Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Feb. 2000.

9. Xieto, pp. 99-100.

10. Yupin Bae, Susan Choy, Claire Geddes, Jennifer Sable, and Thomas Snyder.
"Educational Equity for Girls and Women, XCES 200-030," U.S.
Department of Education, National Center for Educational Statistics
(Washington, D.C.: U.S. Government Printing Office, 2000).
1 1. "Facts onWorking Women," U.S. Department of Labor Women's Bureau,
March 2000, www.dol.gov/dol/wb/public/wb-pubs/fact98.htm.
 THE THIRD CIRCLE 55

12. William Pollack, Real Boys (New York: Henry Holt, 1999), pp. 20-34.
13. Tim Wernette, Gender Equity Specialist, Lecture at Pima Community
College, Tucson, AZ, 2001.
14. Linda Treloar, "Lessons on Disability and the Rights of Students" in
Community College Review, Summer 1999.

15. Jayne Beilke, "The Chilly Climate for Students with Disabilities" in Higher
Education, College Student Journal, Sept. 1999, p. 1.

16. Maria Elena Lopez, "Learning Enabled," Tucson Daily Citizen, Dec. 26,
1992.

17. Sandra Volgy Everett and Craig Everett, "ADHD in the Family," American
Association for Maiviage and Family Therapy Clinical Update, Volume 2, Issue

4, July 2000.
18. Cynthia Arem, Conquering Math Anxiety*: A Self-Help Workbook (Pacific
Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole, 1993), pp. 10-17.
^ I he Fourth Circle
IMPACT OF THE OUTER WORLD

How do various media perpetuate stereotypical images that can affect

self-esteem?

How can U. S. culture have a negative impact on the self-esteem of

women, nontraditional males, and minority students?

What are some links among stereotypical sex roles, race, and higher

education?

How do "outer world" messages affect our self-esteem and behaviors?

The outer circle encompasses the influence of the world at large on

self-esteem. This circle consists of the dominant culture and its interac-

tion with an individual's cultural and ethnic background, including mass

media communication of society's expectations and stereotypes about

certain groups. The fourth circle has an impact on each of the other cir-

cles in the model. It affects parents, teachers, and other authority

figures, and even self-acceptance of inborn preferences. The messages

of the dominant culture have a bearing on our behaviors toward those

who are different, and these messages can influence self-esteem.

CAs
ultural Values:
Growing Up
a child in the early 1960s, Gina
"Different"
liked to watch television.

American, she consciously began to take note: the children on her

An African-

favorite shows were different from her! Gina lived in a nice apartment
with her parents, but the television children —Dennis the Menace,
Timmv on "Lassie," Richie on "The Dick Van Dyke Show" — lived in

57
58 CHAPTER 5

a big home with a second floor or in a sweeping farmhouse. The characters were
boys, and they were Caucasian. How different their lives were from hers! Even the
commercials featured children who looked and lived much differendy than she did.
Gina was happy with her life and her family. She especially enjoyed church
on Sundays. She was excited to see family and friends there, and she thrived on
the exuberant sermons, gospel music, and energy and happiness she felt at
church. But Gina knew those kids on television didn't attend a church like hers!
WTiere were the TV kids who were like herr
By the time Gina began attending junior high school, she was very conscious of
her minority status. More children in her school were Caucasian, and only two
teachers were African-American. Gina thought a couple of the Caucasian teachers
didn't often call on her. She also noticed that the only African-American people dis-

cussed in her texts were slaves, and the music of African-American people was "slave
music." What about Gina's church music? She felt embarrassed when she heard a
couple of the Caucasian children snickering at the pictures of slaves in the textbooks.
On Gina's thirteenth birthday she received a magazine subscription to a teen
magazine. As she paged through the monthly publication, she noticed the same
old thing: no girls who looked like her, no make-up like the kind she used, clothes
that weren't available to her. Of course, seemed
the Caucasian girls in the articles
to be very concerned with boys, just assome of her friends were.
In high school, Gina began to wonder if the world always would be this way.
After she joined the Black Pride movement, Gina knew she wanted to change
some of her self-consciousness about being African-American to feelings of high
self-esteem and pride. Although her parents thought she shouldn't rock the boat
too much, they also were proud of her involvement. Even though Gina had some
painful experiences being a member of a minority group, her strong, stable, and
cohesive family background gave her some useful, positive tools.
The family often minimizes the negative effects on self-esteem from the mes-
sages and treatment of those in the outer world. The family, along with a
supportive neighborhood (third-circle environment), often acts as a buffer to the
negative effects of the outer world. Actually, many people do not personally expe-
rience the negative impact of stereotypes, discrimination, or prejudice until they
leave their parents' home. If parents give their children some emotional and
behavioral tools to handle prejudice, they are more prepared to deflect negative
encounters. If an individual does not have those tools, however, those first nega-
tive encounters can damage self-esteem.
Brian is a Jewish child. His parents maintain a kosher home. This means he
does not eat pork, milk with meat, or shellfish such as shrimp, and is not allowed to
eat a cheeseburger. His family's most important religious observances, which occur
in the early fall, are called Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Brian does not attend
school on these holidays. Instead, he attends services at a synagogue several miles
away. At Christmastime, his family does not celebrate by caroling, buying and trim-
 THE FOURTH CIRCLE 59

ming a tree, and putting presents under it. Yet,much of what he sees m the "outer
world" —shopping, television, school, songs —
on the radio is geared to Christmas.
Brian's neighborhood is predominantly Catholic. The children in his peer group
eat the foods Brian is not allowed to eat. On \\ ednesday afternoons, his classmates
leave school early to attend catechism at the nearby Catholic school. The classroom
empties except for Brian and a few children who are Protestants. Religious pictures
and symbols decorate most of the homes in Brian's neighborhood.
Brian's parents have taught him to be neither ashamed nor proud of his reli-

gious differences. In fact, the differences are never really discussed. When Brian
encounters situations such as refusing a piece of pork, he isn't sure how to explain
why he can't eat it because he hasn't heard the reasons.
Occasionally, some of the children in his school call Brian derogatory names.
Little by little, he has begun to conclude that being Jewish is something to hide.
Furthermore, it seems as if the rest of the world ignores people like him. He
begins to feel he is not good enough and his self-esteem suffers. Brian is having
a hard time feeling open about his religion.
In Chapter Eight, we will revisit Brian to see how he has been able to enhance
his self-esteem and identity through positive action.

miths Theory of Ethnic

Identity Development
Elsie Smith developed a theory of ethnic identity development, illustrated by
Brian's and Gina's stories. In this theory. Smith asserts:

An individual's emotional well-being is partly a function of the social conditions in

which she or he matures. . . . Oppressive conditions —namely racism, discrimina-

tion and prejudice — may delimit a person's ability to fulfill his or her potential.
1

Smith draws upon many research studies demonstrating that "an individual's
embeddedness in his or her culture may (a) protect him or her from developing
a vulnerable identitv in the first place or (b) assist him or her when his identity

becomes vulnerable. "-

Alexander Astin's respected and exhaustive long-term study of college drop-
outs found that connectedness to other students based on religion, race, and
similar town were factors increasing the likelihood of minority students' stay-
size

ing in college. Put another way, we all need to experience feelings that we belong
3

and are accepted to enhance our self-esteem. If we look around us and perceive
that we are visibly "different" from the peers who are important to us, and those
differences lead to feelings of being "less than," discomfort and lowered self-
esteem may result. Additionally if the peer group harbors prejudice and
60 CHAPTER 5

resentment toward us because we don't exactly "fit," we may experience shame

and rejection. (At the extreme, harassment and violence might occur.)
However, if we are among "people like us," it is more likely that our cultur-
al, ethnic, or religious identity will be reinforced, and we'll be comfortable simply
"being ourselves." As Blanca, a Hispanic student in a predominantly Hispanic
school, has said: "There are whole conversations and explanations of my feelings
and my life that I never need to give when people have the same background and
experiences that I have had."
Gina's and Brian's experiences support Smith's theory. Gina had the protection
and comfort of a strong family and cultural background within her immediate
neighborhood surroundings to minimize the impact of her negative experiences
from the outer circle, whereas Brian had few tools and little protection. Smith's
theory of ethnic identity development and Gina's and Brian s stories demonstrate
that self-acceptance of the ethnic aspect of one's identity can contribute to higher
self-esteem, and nonacceptance of that part of oneself might lower self-esteem.

")

rejudice and Stereotypes

In the United States, people who are very different from —or very simi-
lar to —those holding the power (still Caucasian Americans, mostly male) receive
strong messages manifested in people's behavior, in the media, and in self-esteem.
Ironically, in this culture, individuality is encouraged and rewarded. At the same
time, one who is too different (as a male, a female, an ethnic minority, and so on)
will feel pressure toconform to the roles society deems "appropriate." If individ-
uals do not conform, they may be rejected, as well as view themselves as "less
than." Repeated rejection often lowers self-esteem and stifles growth.
This is not to say that if a person is a member of an ethnic, racial, or religious
minority, his self-esteem is low. In fact, research has demonstrated that the self-
4
esteem of minority children in general is healthy. - 5
Smith's theory and Astin's
research show how feelings of connectedness make the difference. Still, negative
feedback (ranging from subtle to hostile) from dominant members of the culture
and manifested in the media can cause individuals to feel disconnected and to
question their effectiveness. Prejudice and discrimination throughout history have
severely hampered the educational and economic opportunities of minorities.
People who are not minorities but who have stereotypical and racist beliefs

about others can feel a false sense of high self-esteem (or superiority). They may
be ignorant of the realities of history and the contributions of people of color and
may lack intellectual growth and perspective. In fact, many writers consider
racism a disease. 6 Thus, each person should become sensitized to the negative
messages of the outer circle and their impact on self-esteem, regardless of gen-
der, age, or ethnic background.
 THE FOURTH CIRCLE 61

M
spent

world"
to role
edia Stereotypes
By the time they complete high school, U.S. children will have
more time watching television than attending school, doing homework, or
engaging in any other activity. Television is the primary "window to the
—the outer circle — for most children.
models and images of different categories of people
On that screen the child is

—minorities, women,
exposed

men, and so forth. TV often is the only means by which individual differences are
conveyed. Study after study has demonstrated that the more time a child spends
watching television, the greater is the likelihood that the child will hold stereo-
typical views of the personal characteristics of and employment options for men,
women, and minorities. The persuasiveness of the media can personally and often
profoundly influence self-image and perspectives on work options. Furthermore,
the National Academy of Pediatrics asserts that all forms of media, although often
beneficial, can be viewed as a health risk. The media strongly influence all peo-
ple, but particularly children, socially, politically, and emotionally 8
Unfortunately in spite of some positive changes in legislation and society
during the past three decades, television executives have chosen to continue to
portray stereotypical characterizations in most of their programming.
A summary of the research on the portrayal of minorities and gender roles in
TV programming and in magazines includes the following patterns:
More characters are men and they are more action-oriented than women
characters. Women were 39 percent of television characters in the 1990s. Since
women make up 51 percent of the U. S. population, women are simply less visi-
ble on television than in "real life." They are more likely to be cast in dramas and
especiallv in situation comedies, and not in the more active, powerful roles fre-
quently featured in action-oriented shows.9

Youthfulness, especially in women, is valued more than age and maturity.

Women characters are vounger than men and still depicted in more traditional

rather than nontraditional occupations. The elderly are practically invisible

except in stereotypical roles.

A narrow definition of beauty is promoted. Girls themselves realize that the

media promote beauty and attractiveness as an important priority in their fives.

Additionally, those images of beauty are narrowly defined as skinny, well-made

10
up. and sexually alluring. In a recent study of girls in grades 5 through 12. a

majority reported dissatisfaction with their body and 66 percent expressed a

desire to lose weight.Of those who wished to lose weight, 47 percent said they
were motivated to lose weight because of magazine pictures. 11
62 CHAPTER 5

Negative views of minorities prevail. In a national study 12 of children's views

of race and class in the media, children of all races agree that African-Americans
and Latinos are portrayed more negatively than are whites and Asians, and
those children complained that they would like to see a more diverse group of
peers portrayed.
The National Conference for Community and Justice 13 commissioned veter-
7

an pollster Louis Harris to survey how major ethnic, racial, and religious groups
perceived each other. Each of the groups continues to hold negative stereotypes
of the others. All types of media have contributed to these negative views, and
have influenced individuals' self-views.

In an interview, Brian points out:

As I would watch TV, I kept hoping that at Christmas time my favorite TV fami-
lies would turn out to be Jewish after all. But it never failed: in December there
would be a Christmas show, and maybe even mention of church. I again would feel
let down. I was even different from those characters on television!

A deaf woman recalls that as a child, she assumed she would die before she
14
grew up because she had never seen a deaf adult. Before the late 1980s, to see a

person with a disability portrayed realistically anywhere in the media was unusu-
al. Children with disabilities growing up during that time had few adult role
models. No wonder the woman above concluded that she would die before she
reached adulthood! She and other people with disabilities certainly didn't see any-
one like themselves on television, in the movies, in books, or in magazines.
Because of the stigma, physical barriers, and lack of role models, people with dis-
abilitiesmay have faced difficulties and negative messages as they grew up.
As aspiring actress and lecturer Ellen Stohl remarked in discussing the lack of
role models in the media and the impact this has on the self-esteem of people
with disabilities: "What I mean is that you can get caught up in the media's image
of what is true or beautiful. If we all started believing what the media proclaim is
15
beautiful, none of us would ever have any self-esteem."
Each person needs to view television and print media critically and identify
their possible impact on self-views and self-esteem. (The exercises at the end of
this chapter will help you do this.) Once aware, each person has the choice to
accept or reject the content of the messages being communicated.

G _ ender-Role Socialization
For many generations
societal expectation that they will eventually stay
Career goals were not emphasized.
women

If women
have been raised with the family and

did pursue
home with their children.
employment outside the
 THE FOURTH CIRCLE 63

home, they were encouraged to focus on traditional careers that involve nurtur-
ing (teacher, nurse) or being at the sendee of others (waitress, secretary). Of the
total U. S. labor force, 46.5 percent is women, and this number has increased
after even' census. Yet, the 20 leading occupations of women in the U. S. are still

traditional and dominated by women. For example, women make up 98.6 percent
of secretaries, 92.9 percent of registered nurses, and 83.8 percent of elementary
teachers. 16
Many men have been raised to concentrate solely on careers that allow them to
earn significant money Success has been equated with earning a prosperous
income. There is nothing inherently wrong with raising children or making a good
salary. However, in many cases, there is pressure to make the choice that the outer
world and family want you to make, based on traditional gender expectations.
At the same time, since our culture places a high value on earnings, the more
money we earn, the higher our status. A low salary level implies lower status, and
lower status often results in diminished self-esteem. Homemaking, which has tra-
ditionallybeen the main career of women, receives no compensation. Although
increasednumbers of men are choosing to work primarily as homemakers, many
of them report anecdotes like the following from Xate:

My (male) friend asked me when I was going to stop taking this "break" (as if tak-
ing care of our home and boys is easy) and get back into the real world. I was uneasy
with his pressure, but I know that my home and family is my real world!

Even men who have the courage to make choices that "go against the grain"
need to be ready and willing to field negative feedback from their peers. People
with high self-esteem, however, are able to hold fast with the decisions that they
know are right for them in spite of any outside pressures to do otherwise.
Like women, boys and men also feel the negative consequences of trying to
live up to gender-tvped, stereotypical roles and achievement-oriented career
paths thev are expected to follow. These effects include stress symptoms and dis-
1
eases, anger, violence, and substance abuse. Ric relates:

I'm the artistic type. I enjoy photography, design, and architecture. Everyone expect-
ed the guvs to be jocks and do sports. I would rather have gone to galleries. It was hard
to be cool and pretend to care about football and basketball like the rest of the guys. I

just didn't care —and I still don't. All the peer pressure made it hard for me to be

myself; I had a lot of self-doubt and it's still there. I'm just now starting to get over it.

As this commentary illustrates, personality style further complicates gender

standards and expectations. For example, what if you are awoman whose natural
style is to take charge and be in control? Or a female who enjoys working with
large machinery like automobiles?
Like Ric, are you a male whose tendencies are more nurturing, feeling-orient-
ed, and artistic? Or a male who deep down prefers collaboration to confrontation?
 .

64 CHAPTER 5

Self-esteem derives from the courage and competent feelings you gain from
making decisions to pursue your true interests, whatever your gender or race.

Through the strategies in this book, we want to support you in these pursuits.

Society also places great value on physical appearance. One study showed
that physical attractiveness was the only life area of self-esteem that appeared
as a self-esteem sourcefrom childhood through adulthood.™ We are well aware
that magazines, Hollywood, and television commercials set high, sometimes
impossible-to-reach standards of acceptable and appealing outer appearance,
for women and men. Women, especially, are vulnerable to pressures to look a
certain way and have
narrower range of "acceptable" standards of attractive-
a

ness in U. S. culture (younger, thinner, lighter-skinned). Although there are

standards for men (slim and fit), there is a wider range of looks and age levels
that are depicted as appealing in male characters, especially by Hollywood and
in advertising.
There is nothing wrong with trying to look our best. Our self-esteem is

affected, however, when we feel that in order to have acceptable looks we need to
look like the impossible-to-achieve (touched-up) standards presented by the
media, or when we allow all of our self-worth to depend on how we look rather
than on competences in life areas such as work, school, and so forth.

messages from the outer circle

PURPOSES
To discover if your family and neighborhood provided self-esteem tools to buffer
you from outer world negative events or messages.
To begin to develop and appreciate the cultural and ethnic uniqueness of yourself
and others to enhance self-esteem.

INSTRUCTIONS
Answer the following questions:

1 At any time during your schooling, have you perceived yourself as differ-
—
ent in race, religion, physical abilities and attributes, or family life from —
your classmates? Think about your answers in terms of elementary school,
junior high (or middle) school, high school, and college.

2. How did your family equip you to handle these differences? Did they discuss
feelings, pride in your heritage, your unique strengths, how to handle conflict?

3 What would you like to say to people who may have treated you rudely or
cruelly because you were different from them?
 .

THE FOURTH CIRCLE 65

4. What are at least three things you like and appreciate about your race, cul-

ture, abilities, or difrerentness?

REFLECTIONS
In small groups of three or four, exchange your responses to questions 1 and 4.

Discuss your reactions in light of Smith's theory.

Optional activity: In the class, role-play alternative responses to past prejudicial

encounters.

language and expectations

PURPOSES
To raise awareness of internalized roles and expectations of people who are dif-
ferent from us.

To examine how language can produce value judgments about color.

To challenge expectations and discuss their impact on self-esteem.

INSTRUCTIONS
With the instructor or a volunteer serving as the recorder by writing responses
on the board, complete, as a class, the following sentences and lists. Do not cen-
sor yourself or judge others' responses.

1 Women should . . .

2. Men should . . .

3. .Men always . . .

4. Women always . . .

5. People who are different are . . .

6. List all the words and expressions you can think of containing the word
"white" (example: "white as snow").'

7. List all the words and expressions you can think of containing the word
"black" (example: "blackball").'

8. On both lists, put a (+) in front of the words that have positive connotations
and a (-) in front of words that have negative connotations.
66 CHAPTER 5

REFLECTIONS
What effects have the role expectations of women or men in our society had on
j our self-image? On how you treat others? What might be the effects of language
on the self-image of Anglo-Americans, or Caucasians? African-Americans, or
Blacks? (Especially if, in U. S. culture, white represents "good" and black, "bad.")
Add other color words as vou see fit.

* The section of this exercise on color word associations has been adapted from Judy Katz, White
Awareness (Norman: University of Oklahoma Press, 1978).

mm
media awareness

Information about how we compare with others comes from a variety of sources.
Images flashed by television, motion pictures, and popular magazines provide "stan-
dards" against which we subconsciously compare our lives. Many of us lived our
formative years before any of the changes demanded by civil rights movements took
place in the media. These media still depict few role models for women and minori-
ties. The images were, and still can be, internalized, influencing our self-esteem.

TELEVISION
PURPOSES
To examine television characters and their impact on your self-esteem as a child.

To analyze messages and stereotypes television communicates.

To discuss the impact these messages can have on children's self-esteem.

INSTRUCTIONS
1 . Answer individually or in small-group discussion: WTiat were your favorite
television shows when you were growing up? Describe the main characters.
What personality traits did they display? WTiat physical traits did they have
that you admired? How were their home and family life different from or
the same as your situation? How do you think these shows affected your
self-image and self-esteem as a child?
 THE FOURTH CIRCLE 67

2 . In groups of two or three, videotape or watch two hours total of one of the
following. The two hours do not have to be consecutive, but you should
watch the same station during similar time periods. Choose from: Saturday
morning children's television, children's public television, prime time week-
day television, MTV, Lifetime, Nickelodeon, ESPN, soap operas, or other
kinds of programming.

For your time slot, complete the following data.

Station watched:

Time slot(s):

Show(s) watched:
Number of women:

Caucasian:

Non-Caucasian:
Middle-aged/older:

Careers/jobs held:

Characteristics of women depicted (bright, passive, mean, etc.):

How did women seem to be treated by other characters in the show?

Types of products women sold in commercials:

Tally the same information for:

• Men
• Male children
• Female children
• People with disabilities

REFLECTIONS
In class, report on and discuss the results. How balanced was the portrayal of
each of the groups you tallied? How did you feel when you completed your
viewing and tallying? Speculate about what messages may have been sent to chil-
dren or teenagers who watched those two hours. WTiat actions can you take
individually or as a group to communicate any satisfaction or dissatisfaction with
those messages?

MAGAZINES
Magazines depict individuals who conform to the culturallv accepted norm of beau-
ty. When we look at our friends and neighbors, however, few of them look like the

models we see in magazines. (Naturally, we may be able to find exceptions.)

68 CHAPTER 5

PURPOSES
To identify cultural standards of beaut}-.

To create vour own definition and image of beauty.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. As a class, bring in as many fashion magazines for women, men, and teens
as you can. You will need large pieces of newsprint, scissors, markers or
crayons, and tape or glue.

2. Create a collage, individually or in a small group, that contrasts nontradition-

al images of beaut}* and attractiveness with traditional images. Use pictures,
words, and drawings. You can even include pictures of yourself or your fami-
ly. Focus solely on men, women, children, old, or young, or all aspects and
images of beauty-. There are no right or wrong collages. Be as creative as pos-

sible. Relate your feelings and thoughts as you create the collage.

3. Tape the collages around the room.

REFLECTIONS
Present and discuss the collages, the images portrayed, and your feelings about
the pictures, words, and images.

case study: Estevan

n — -

PURPOSES
To highlight the impact minority status might have on higher education success.

To identify strategies for school success.

INSTRUCTIONS
Read the following case study and discuss the questions in the "Reflections" section.

Estevan grew up in the southwest United States. His neighborhood was predom-
inantly Hispanic. The first language he learned was Spanish, and it continued to
be the main language spoken in his home. Estevan's family is large, demonstra-
tive, supportive, and positive.
 THE FOURTH CIRCLE 69

In school, 95 percent of his schoolmates were also Hispanic. He attended a

private Catholic high school on a scholarship.

Several years after he graduated from high school, Estevan received a schol-
arship from his employer to attend a nearby university. His family was proud and
elated. For the first time in his life, however, he felt self-conscious about the dark
brown color of his skin. He sat in lecture halls of 200 students and noticed that
he was the only obviously Hispanic student in the room. He felt different and
consequently was shy about raising his hand and contributing in class.

After one semester, Estevan was on the verge of dropping out and giving up
his scholarship. His self-confidence and belief in himself as an individual of
achievement were low.

REFLECTIONS
In small groups or as a class, discuss:

• What advice you would give Estevan that might motivate him to stay in
school.

• What you think Estevan needs to do to improve his chances for success as a
student.

• How Estevan's case relates to Smith's theory.

S ummary
The media, particularly television, can affect a person's self-esteem. This
especially true for children because they
minorities,
spend so much time watching TV.
and nontraditional males are portrayed inaccurately and in dispropor-
Women,
is

tionate numbers in most TV programming. Sex-role expectations and personality

style can influence each individual's treatment by others, as well as his or her self-
view. The influence of stereotyping is also noted in higher education settings.
The immediate family (Circle 2) can act as a buffer against negative messages
of the neighborhood and the outer world. Smith's model describes this buffer.
Feelings of belongingness with people similar to oneself can enhance self-esteem.
The influence of messages from the fourth circle often is overlooked when self-
esteem is discussed. Through this chapter and the exercises, readers may discover
the importance of these larger environmental factors in their own self-esteem and
throughout life.
 .

70 CHAPTER 5

NOTES
1 Elsie Smith, "Ethnic Identity Development: Toward the Development of a

Theory Within the Context of Majority/Minority Status," Journal of

Counseling ami Development 70 (Sept./Oct. 1991): 184.
2. Smith.
3. Alexander Astin. Preventing Students from Dropping Out (San Francisco:
Jossey-Bass, 1993).

4. William E. Cross, "A Two-Factor Theory of Black Identity: Implications

for the Study of Identity Development in Minority Children," in Children's

Ethnic Socialization, Jean S. Phinney and Maty Jane Rotheram, editors

(Newbury Park. CA: Sage, 1987), pp. 129-130.

5. Doreen Rosenthal, "Ethnic Identity Development in Adolescents," in

Children's Ethnic Socialization, p. 172.

6. Judy H. Katz, White Awareness (Norman: University of Oklahoma Press,

1978), p. 12.

7. Nancy Signorielli, A Sourcebook on Children and Television (New York:

Greenwood Press, 1991), p. 170.
8. American Academy of Pediatrics, Policy Statement "Media Education,"
Aug. 1999, www.aap.org/policy/rei911.html.
9. Nana- Signorielli, "Recognition and Respect: A Content Analysis of Prime-
Time Television Characters Across the Decades," Sex Roles: A Journal of
Research (April 1999) from www.findarticles.corn, pp. 10-14.
10. "Voices of a Generation," American Association of University Women
News Summary (Sept. 1999), www.aauw.org/2000/vcsprbd/html.
11. "Understanding the Impact of Media on Children and Teens," American
Academy of Pediatrics, 2001, www.aap.org/family/mediaimpact.htm.
12. Marilyn Gardner, "Children Say Television Distorts Its Portrayal of
Minorities," Christian Science Monitor. May 14, 1998.

13. Cheryl Kravitz (Ed.), Building Bridges with Reliable Infonnation (National
Conference for Community and Justice, Washington D.C.), 2001, pp. 7-9.
14. Ann Cupulo Carrillo, Catherine Corbett, and Victoria Lewis, Xo More Stares
(Berkeley, CA: Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund, 1982), p. 7.

15. Sam Maddox, "The Seven Year Itch," New Mobility, May/June, 1994, p. 38.

16. "20 Leading Occupations of Employed Women"

(Department of Labor,
1999), www.dol.gov/dol/wb/pubhc/wb_pubs/2011ead99.htm.

17. William Pollack, Real Boys (New York: Henry Holt, 1999), pp. 303-364.
18. Susan Harter. "Causes. Correlates, and the Functional Role of Global Self-
\\ orth: A Life Span Perspective," in Perceptions of Competence and Incompetence
Across the Life Span (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1989), pp. 80-81.
In Part I, we discussed the sources of self-esteem. In Part II, we discuss

symptoms of low self-esteem and give strategies for improvement.

Chapter Six discusses the symptoms of low self-esteem— how our view of

self plays out in actual behaviors and, more important, how these behav-
iors can affect a return to school. A student with low self-esteem is

vulnerable to a variety of fears and behaviors that hamper achievement in

the educational setting. Identifying the symptoms of low self-esteem sets

the stage for changing and for achieving in school and in life.

We then move to the action phase, strategies for improvement.

Chapters Seven and Eight contain the key strategies for increasing self-

esteem. Chapter Seven presents practical strategies for change that can

be applied to any number of life situations. Chapter Eight contains strate-

gies specifically related to your return to school. All of these strategies

have proven to be effective in our classes, for students of all ages and

backgrounds. Many other strategies are included in the publications listed

in the bibliography at the end of this book.

We all have our individual strengths and weaknesses because we are

all different. Your task is to pick the strategies that apply to you for raising

your self-esteem and bettering your chances for success in school.

71
 ymptoms of
Low Self-Esteem

How can we recognize self-esteem levels?

What behaviors are indicators of low and high self-esteem?

How can we use this information to ensure success in school?

How can levels of self-esteem be recognized? We cannot see self-

esteem, but we certainly can see how it affects behavior.

Someone with low self-esteem often thinks, feels, and behaves

differently from someone with high self-esteem.

Think of a person who, in your opinion, has problems with
self-esteem. What do you hear and see that gives you clues about

this person's self-view?

he Cases of Jorge and Mia

Jorge frequently tells people he doesn't have a "head for
math." When he took an algebra class as part of his program
requirement, he had severe anxiety and did poorly on the first

two exams. His self-definition as not capable at math con-

vinced him this was a subject he could not master. He
therefore did not seek help from the math tutors or from his
academic counselor. Instead, he believed he would have to
change to a major that did not require math.
Even though Mia has all the coursework she needs to
transfer from the community college to the university as an
engineering major, she continues to put off the application
process. She has heard scary stories about the university being
much bigger and more impersonal. Afraid that she will not be

73
74 CHAPTER 6

able to meet the stirrer demands of upper-division coursework, Mia lets her fears
win out over her desire to transfer, and she creates one excuse after another not
to leave her community college.

Jorge and Mia are exhibiting symptoms of low self-esteem. Because they do
not believe in themselves, they slip back into old behavior patterns of fear and
insecurity that keep them from achieving their goals. Low self-esteem leads to
behaviors that clearly tell the world what we think of ourselves. We'll continue

Jorge and Mia's stories in Chapter Seven, but for now, let's learn to identify the
symptoms of low self-esteem so that you can set goals for yourself.
From vour everyday observations you probably can list some of the symp-
toms of low self-esteem we discuss here. People with low self-esteem frequently
use the word "not" as part of their self-definition. They see themselves as "not
capable," "not attractive," "not smart," "not lovable." They are harder on them-
selves than anyone else would dream of being. Because thoughts influence
actions, people act out these beliefs.
People with low self-esteem are highly self-critical. They take the smallest
error very much to heart and mentally replay it many times. Common refrains
running through the mind of someone with low self-esteem are: "I should have
known better," "Only would do a thing like that," "I always mess up." In
a fool

their book Self-Esteem, Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning call this "listening
to the internal critic."
1
Harmfully high stress levels, anxiety attacks, phobias,

shame, guilt, and compulsions are extreme forms of this self-critical behavior.

As discussed in Chapter One, lack of self-esteem is linked to low risk-taking

behavior. The person may have an abnormal fear of failure or its twin, fear of suc-
cess. For a person with low self-esteem, the world is a scan' place, and a way to
remain safe and to preserve the self-esteem he or she does have is to avoid taking
risks. In a school setting, the low risk-taker may select only the easy classes or

majors and, like Mia in the example, might have difficult}- moving on when the
time is right.

Closely related symptoms are perfectionism and procrastination. The perfec-

tionist has such unrealistically high standards that nothing is ever good enough
or ever really completed. The procrastinator never gets started or puts things off
until doing an adequate job is impossible. The perfectionist and the procrastina-
tor both avoid risks and thus stay safe. A drawback is that without risks, a person
cannot grow and prove competence, and in a school setting, growth and compe-
tence are necessary.
Low self-esteem also is revealed by being overly concerned with the outward

signs of social status and how one appears to others. This "other-esteem" focus-
es on things such as personal appearance, how much money one makes, the kind
of car one drives, the performance of one's spouse and children, clubs one belongs
to, and similar things. A person with low self-esteem often substitutes these qual-
ities for genuine self-esteem.
 SYMPTOMS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM 75

Another symptom of low self-esteem is a lack of self-care. Taking care of

everyone's needs ahead of one'sown has been termed co-dependency and can be
a symptom of low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem hesitate to ask for
help from family members or counselors when needed. They may claim they
can't find time to study because it conflicts with family needs. Extreme symptoms

include overeating, substance abuse, and hurtful personal relationships.

Sometimes symptoms of low self-esteem are hard to detect because they are
mistaken for an overinflated ego. The student who verbally dominates even -
class

discussion and can't tolerate disagreement could be covering up feelings of not

being okay. Aggressive, pushy, bossy, or boastful behaviors could well indicate low
self-esteem. The blustery behavior disguises it.

spotting low and high self-esteem

PURPOSE _
To identify behaviors that indicate low and high self-esteem.

INSTRUCTIONS
Consider these two individuals and their behaviors.
Anita constantly lets people take advantage of her. Last week she ended up
taking care of a neighbor's child even though she had to rearrange her own study
plans to do so. She complained about not having enough time to study for her
upcoming exam but never said a word to her neighbor.
Sam is in a job that he finds unsatisfying. In his lunch hour, he calls people
to spread the word that he is job-seeking. He is exploring a return to school,
and after work he takes 20 minutes to relieve stress by walking around his
neighborhood.
List three behaviors characteristic of Anita or someone you know who has
low self-esteem. What are the feelings you could infer from the^e behaviors? Do
the same exercise again, listing Sam's characteristics and thinking of a person you
view as having high self-esteem. In the case of Anita, for example, we might list

"allowing people to take advantage of her" as a symptom of low self-esteem. We

might guess her possible thoughts and feelings as "wants people to like her" and
"thinks the only way they will like her is if she constantly does what other people
want." Our goal is not to judge Anita or others for their behavior but, instead, to
practice identifying symptoms of low and high self-esteem.
In Sam's case, we can list "taking action and not staying stuck," "managing his
stress," and "reaching out" as signs of high self-esteem and empowering behavior.
 ::

76 CHAPTER 6

Person with Low Self-Esteem

Behavior #1

Possible thoughts and feelings:

Beha\ior #2:
Possible thoughts and feelings:

Behavior #3:

Possible thoughts and feelings:

Person with High Self-Esteem

Behavior #1:

Possible thoughts and feelings:

Behavior #2:
Possible thoughts and feelings:

Behavior #3
Possible thoughts and feelings:

REFLECTIONS

What differences can you see between people with high and low self-esteem?

EXERCISE
self-examination of self-esteem

PURPOSES
To understand yourself and your strengths better.
To identify areas in which you would like to raise your self-esteem.

INSTRUCTIONS
For each pair of statements, check the one that is most like you the majority of
the time.
 .

SYMPTOMS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM 77

1 O a. Constantly put myself down, am highly self-critical

O b. Generally I feel pretty7 positive about myself

2. O a. Have difficulty accepting compliments

O b. Can smile and just say "Thank you" when someone gives me a com-
pliment

3. O a. Often feel victimized by others

O b. Usually can say no when I want/need to

4. O a. Feel lonely, even when with other people

O b. Loneliness usually doesn't apply to me
5. O a. Feel different from other people

O b. Feel I'm pretty much on the same wavelength as others

6. O a. Feel empty, like having a hole inside

) b. Feel there are many positive things in my life at the present time

7. O a. Often feel depressed

O b. Seldom feel depressed

8. O a. Feel shame and guilt

O b. Shame and guilt are really not a big part of my life

9. ( ) a. Don't believe in my ability to achieve, have severe self-doubts

O b. Generally, I'm confident in my ability to achieve

10. O a. Fear new situations

O b. Am stimulated and excited by new situations

11. O a. Fear failure

O b. Seldom worry about failure

12. O a. Fear success

) b. Have experienced reasonable successes in my life and expect that to
continue

13. O a. Fear being out of control

) b. Believe I have control over myself and my life much of the time

14. ( ) a. Have a high need to please others

O b. Can balance pleasing others with taking care of myself

15. () a. Am highly anxious in a school setting (test anxiety, panic attacks)

O b. Can take the school setting in stride, usuallv not overly anxious
78 CHAPTER 6

16. O a. Have trouble managing time demands, feel stress, excessive worry

) b. Time management is a skill I've mastered, so I keep worry under

control

17. O a. Put things off and get in trouble for it

I b. Keep on top of my tasks and seldom put things off

18. (I a. Am extremely vulnerable to others' criticism, real or imagined

I b. Others' criticism usually does not bother me; I can utilize what is

constructive and let the rest go

19. I I a. Won't state opinions or feelings for fear of what others will think

O b. Am comfortable stating my opinions; if others disagree, so what?

20. O a. Keep others at a distance emotionally

O b. Have good, close relationships with others

21. i I a. Have self-destructive behaviors (substance abuse, abusive relation-

ships, no interest in or motivation for self-care)

I b. Generally am "my own best friend," take care of myself physically

and emotionally

22. () a. "Numb out" to relax (watch TV7 , eat, sleep, fantasize)

I b. Can relax when I need to, but it's under my control

23. ( ) a. Have negative attitudes, use negative self-talk

I b. Usually am positive in my attitudes and self- talk

24. O a. Have difficulty7 setting and sticking to goals

) b. Know what my goals are and have a plan for meeting them

25. ( I a. Have trouble asking for what I want and need

O b. Am good at asking for my needs and wants
26. O a. Am often angry and aggressive

O b. Can express my anger in an appropriate manner and see myself as

assertive, not aggressive

27. ( I a. Make unrealistic self-assessments, either too low or too high

b. Generally on target with my self-assessments, have an accurate self-view

28. ( ) a. Think in black and white, have no tolerance for ambiguity

I b. Pretty flexible in my thinking, usually can see more than one side of
an issue, don't need "instant answers"
 SYMPTOMS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM 79

29. C a. Can't tolerate imperfection

b. Perfection is nice, but usually it's not my top priority

30. I
I a. Am unable to establish a support system of caring friends and relatives
b. My friends and family are there for me
31. a. Don't feel connected to family or community
) b. Have strong connections to my family and community

32. a. Lack pride in or have little information about my ethnic, cultural, or

gender group
) b. Know where my roots are, feel good about who I am

REFLECTIONS
Count the number of as and you checked. The as are areas in which your self-
b's

esteem probably needs some strengthening. Now go back over your list of a's and
pick two to four areas you see as most vital to your success in school. Think about
them and come up with solutions that will be helpful to you.

Example: Jenny identified self-criticism (#1), people pleasing (#14), putting things
off (#17), and trouble asking for help (#25) as her four areas to target. She wrote:

1. Self-criticism: I always talk myself down, call myself "dummy," "loser," and
other bad names. It makes me feel like not even trying.

2. People pleasing: I get so busy making others happy that no time is left for me.

3. Putting things off: I intended to go to school last semester, but I kept

putting off getting my application in until I missed the deadline. I guess I

was really scared they wouldn't accept me.

4. Trouble asking for help: I know I'll need help getting child care when I return
to school, and I can afford to pay a sitter only so much. I have a hard time ask-
ing my mother and my best friend Delores to help me out with the rest.

Now look at the b's you checked. These are the strengths you have and can use
to help you succeed.

Example: Leroy looked over his list and saw he had checked confidence in his abil-

ity to achieve (#9), readiness to take school in stride without undue anxiety (#15),
generally positive attitudes (#23), and pride in his roots and culture (#32). He wrote:
I have some strengths as I enter into this school experience. I feel pretty good about
where I am heading and am willing to work on the areas that need improvement.
80 CHAPTER 6

\ I aggies Story Revisited

_L (J / Remember Maggie from Chapter One? Let's see how she dealt with
her self-esteem issues to ensure her success in school.
Maggie's plummeting self-esteem almost cost her the college career she had
worked so hard to pursue. Her low point came when a teacher returned an essay
that Maggie had thrown together at the last minute. Because of her inability- to
balance work tasks and school life, Maggie had procrastinated, as usual. She knew
it wasn't her best work but she had been able to coast before. Not this time. The

grade of C- was bad enough, but what really got her attention was the instruc-
tor's bright red notation at the end of the essay:

Maggie: This paper does not demonstrate quality work. Based on what I have seen
in class, I expected better. See me!!

Gulping back tears of frustration and anger, she stuffed the paper in her
notebook and headed for the campus advising office to withdraw from school.
"I never should have tried this. I simply am not college material," she told her-
self. Fortunately, the advisor with whom Maggie consulted was wise enough to

realize that Maggie didn't need help in withdrawing from school. She needed
help in coping with self-esteem issues brought up by all the changes she was
experiencing. He referred Maggie to a counselor who helped her assess what
was really happening.
Together, Maggie and her college counselor outlined a plan of action to com-
bat her stress and self-doubt. The counselor showed Maggie how to plan a
schedule that would help her balance all of the tasks she needed to do.
Procrastination would always be a temptation for her, but Maggie now could see
that behavior hurt her chances for success. Most important, she had made a con-
nection. Maggie could come back to see her counselor when she felt discouraged
or needed a boost in confidence.
As Maggie learned the role that her past school fears played in her current
low self-esteem, she began to see that she could make new choices. Her perfor-
mance in school has greatly improved and she is on her way to completing a legal
assistant program. Eager to keep others from experiencing the rock)- start she
had, she volunteers in the college peer counseling program, helping new students
to make the transition to school.

Word of Encouragement
At this point, you may be experiencing some discomfort as you identify
i^- Volir individual symptoms of low self-esteem. You may even feel a bit discouraged
 SYMPTOMS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM 81

as you look at the changes you want to make. These feelings are a good sign
because they say that you are ready to do some things differently.
Know that any change, good or bad, brings some stress. It also brings oppor-
tunity for growth. Think back to past changes you made in your life and you will
probably remember similar feelings of stress, discomfort, and possibly even fear.
Now recall how you met those challenges. What strengths, skills, and support
systems did you draw on? Allow yourself to think about the positive qualities you
have and tell yourself that you can work through any temporary discomfort. The
result —enhanced self-esteem— will be worth the struggle.

ummary
The feelings and behaviors revealing low self-esteem are varied and com-
plex. Some symptoms, such as shame, are subtle. Others, such as negative self-talk,
are clear and unmistakable. Identifying the areas critical to your success will help
you choose practical strategies for change from Chapters Seven and Eight.
As you review your symptoms of low self-esteem identified in Exercise 6.2,
you will need to narrow your goals and start with a few symptoms at a time. As
you learned from analyzing your sources of self-esteem, your feelings about your-
self did not develop overnight. In the same way, revising your feelings and
behaviors also will take time and practice.
Nobody can give you positive self-esteem. You must earn it through self-

examination, hard work, and willingness to take risks! Success leads to more
success, so start small and allow yourself to build on each change. Raising vour
self-esteem is a choice you can make. You are now ready to apply what you
learned so far as you move on to the strategies.

NOTES
1. Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning, Self-Estee?n, 3d ed. (Oakland, CA:
New Harbinger Publications, 2000), p. 15.
 '

trategies for

(£J Developing Self-Esteem

What are some barriers to risking, and how can they be overcome?

What is the ABC model of esteem thinking?

What is self-talk, and how can it be used to advantage?

What are some faulty thinking patterns, and how can they be
reversed?

How can a person become more assertive?

What are some measures to reduce stress?

How does giving to others increase self-esteem?

Self-esteem can be raised through certain strategies. The ones pre-

sented in this chapter can be applied in many life situations. They

include risk-taking, removing internal barriers, becoming more
assertive, reducing stress, and giving to others. Within these broad
strategies are specific methods to achieve results.

JVtrategy One: Risking

V Self-esteem strategies share a common element that is

necessary for effectiveness: risking. Risking means the wiUin guess

to try a new behavior or thinking style. To risk implies "to put one-
self out there." It means effort and work. Most important, risking
significantly improves your chances for higher self-esteem. The
risk-esteem connection is crucial. The more willing you are to
try new things, the better your chances for success are. The
more successes you chalk up, the stronger the foundation for
self-esteem becomes. As we have indicated, enhancing your self-

83
 84 CHAPTER 7

esteem greatly depends on competence and success in the areas of life that are
important to you. Self-esteem is earned, not given.
The obvious question is: if risking is essential to the development of self-

esteem, why not just do it? The answer lies in a four-letter word: fear. As
highlighted in the circle model, critical messages and experiences at home, at
school, and in the world at large may stifle risk-taking. Fear of being "shot down"
stifles initiative. Therefore most people decide, based on the evidence, to incor-
porate messages like "don't even try," "be seen and not heard," and "it's not worth
it" into their lifescripts. This self-talk leads to inaction, stagnation, and a lack of
successes on which to build self-esteem.

BARRIERS TO RISK-TAKING
A person may avoid risk-taking for the following reasons, among others:

• Perfectionism: Attempting to get everything just right all of the time or

spending so much time perfecting a project that it often doesn't get done;
the risk of imperfection is too great.
• Maintaining status quo: Conserving and protecting what self-esteem you do
possess by avoiding changes. Risking means if you fail, you may lose even

more self-esteem. The status quo is knowTi and safe.

• Failure: Having risked and failed, then beating up on oneself for "blowing
it," learning not to try; it hurts too much.
• Catastrophizing and awfulizing: Imagining even horrible consequence of
7

action and the negative and critical reactions of others and becoming
immobilized by those horrible thoughts.
• Ignorance: Not knowing how to develop risk-taking behaviors.

EXERC
dissecting your fears

To fear is normal. In fact, fears often arise for good reasons: emotional and phys-
ical survival. Irrational and paralyzing fear is a warning signal that more than a
normal protective mechanism is operating.

PURPOSES
To isolate and examine sources of fearful feelings.

To specify causes and costs of fears, and solutions for overcoming them.
 .

STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 85

INSTRUCTIONS
Take a moment to dissect an example of fear in your life today. Answer the fol-

lowing questions:

1 Describe an action you are afraid to take. Do not judge yourself for having
this fear. Be honest. (Example: "I'm afraid to ask my supervisor at work for
time off to take a class.")

2. What are you afraid of in yourself? About the other person or people?
(Example: "I'm afraid of how embarrassed and tentative I might sound talk-

ing to my supervisor. I'm also afraid she'll think I'm not dedicated if I leave
work early three days a week.")

3. What is the worst that could happen if you take this action? (Example:
"She'll say no and treat me shabbily. I'll be miserable at work.")

4. What are the chances of that happening? (Example: "About 5 percent.")

5. What is the best that could happen? (Example: "She'll say yes! I'll further
my education!")
6. What are the chances of that happening? (Example: "About 75 percent.")
7. What is the reward for your remaining fearful? (Example: "I don't rock the
boat. She'll think I'm dedicated.")

8. What is the cost of remaining fearful? (Example: "I don't further my educa-
tion. I stay stuck. I'll probably kick myself later. I don't want to stay in this
job forever!")

\Miat are three ways to handle this fear? (Example: "I'll rehearse with my
{
).

friend before I actually talk to my supervisor. I'll think ot ways in which my

going to school will benefit my present employer. I'll talk to my friend so I
don't stew about it all day.")

Share your answers to these questions with two or three trusted classmates or
friends. Brainstorm three more practical ways to overcome fears that vour partners
can try Be careful not to sabotage yourself by using "Yes, buts." When you are
fearful of making a change, it can be tempting to keep yourself"from acting by find-
ing reasons why the new behavior won't work and telling vourself. "Yes, I could do
that, but . .
." Catch vourself usinij this behavior and make a healthier choice.

REFLECTIONS
How does analyzing and dissecting fear demystify the actual sources of fear? Do
you feel less "stuck"? Does talking with others generate more solutions 1
86 CHAPTER 7

Mia, the student discussed in Chapter Six who let her fears keep her from trans-
ferring to the university, signed up for a self-esteem class at her community
college campus. Although her primary goal in taking the class was to have addi-
tional credits for her financial aid, she found herself relating to much of what she
heard other students share. As a result of the class discussions, she began to see
how her reluctance to transfer reflected low self-esteem rather than the reality of
her academic situation. She made an appointment with her college counselor, and
together they dissected her fears by looking at best- and worst-case scenarios.
Mia realized that even if her worst fear — failing at the university —came true, she

could cope with it. In fact, she decided it would be less painful than never know-
ing whether she could succeed. She made arrangements to transfer, was accepted,
and reports that, although her first semester has been an adjustment, it doesn't
come close to being as bad as she feared. She is convinced that she can make it
and now sees that bachelor's degree within her reach.
Keep in mind that the basis for improving self-esteem lies in making small
changes and taking risks. The rewards are positive feelings ranging from pleasure
to exhilaration for accomplishments. Then we can credit ourselves for trying,
whether the result of risking is success, disappointment, or something in between.
As long as risking is undertaken with wisdom, to make life more satisfying and
enhance success, it cannot damage the risker or other people. When you begin to
take more risks, others may not like the changes and growth that inevitablv will
happen for you. If those changes alter the unwritten contract covering how oth-
ers want you to be, they may not like the "new you." At that point, both of you
must grow together and adjust, or you may need to move on independendy.
Let's start by creating a brief inventory of risks you've taken in your life. Each
person's list is individual. WTiat is risky for one person may be unchallenging for
another. Your risks are vour own.

risk inventory

PURPOSES
To reveal your lifetime skills in risk-taking.

To build confidence in vour abilitv to take risks.

INSTRUCTIONS
Think back and recall risks you are proud you took, regardless of the results. The
risks might have been in school, with friends, family, or work, or in any other area
of life. Share the results of your proudest risks with a partner in class. Relating
this to your age may stimulate your thinking.
 STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 87

Example: Ages 20-29: Rachel broke up with a boyfriend whom she had
outgrown. It took a lot of courage to let go of the relationship
she had had since age 17. She learned to be more self-reliant as
a result.

Ages 5-12:

Ages 13-19:

Ages 20-29:

Ages 30-39:

Ages 40-49:

Ages 50-59:

Ages 60-69:

REFLECTIONS
For each of these w hat were the outcomes? WTiat did you learn from tak-
risks,

ing each risk? Use your answers to remind yourself of your own best self. Post
them as an inventory of your risk-taking abilities and successes that came from
trying new behaviors.

Personal goals help build self-esteem. As you set goals in Exercise 7.3, remember
that each person perceives risky behavior differently WTiat is riskv tor one per-
son may be easy for the next. For example, Amelia finds it risk} to ask for
opinions, whereas Ted is afraid to risk changing jobs. Ted asks everyone's opin-
and Amelia often changes jobs. The risk and reward lie in trying something
ions,
new and different, stretching yourself rather than staying stuck. Taking action
enhances self-esteem.

risk-taking goals
PURPOSE
To help you build your self-esteem by setting personal risk-taking goals.
 . 1 .

88 CHAPTER 7

INSTRUCTIONS
1. List three actions that are risky for you in the following areas: work, mate
or significant other, school, children, friends, sports/hobbies. Skip areas that
are not applicable and add others that may be important to you.

2. Make a commitment to take action by setting dates for accomplishing each

goal. You may want to set weekly, biweekly, or monthly deadlines.

Examples: Rick's list for risk-taking at work:

1 Admitting to my supervisor (a friend) that I need more help learning the

computer system. Deadline: October 1

2. Volunteering to chair the grievance committee. Deadline: December 1.

3. Making a presentation to the management team. The supervisor has done

the talking in the past. Deadline: April 30.

REFLECTIONS
How does setting specific goals, with deadlines, help you to take chances? How
has goal setting been helpful to you?

-\^ trategy Two: Removing Internal Barriers

> — - Recall the concentric circle model of the origins of self-esteem. Looking
back at early experiences and messages, we acknowledge that the past cannot be
changed. By examining the content of our circles, however, we gain knowledge
and insight leading to change and growth. A powerful tool that can change the
personal impact of the past and contribute to healthy self-esteem today and the
rest of vour life is the ABC model.

THE ABC MODEL OF ESTEEM THINKING

That secretary made me so angry when he acted like he didn't care. —Lucy, age 40
WTien my teacher told me there would be a reception for new students, I got so
nervous. —Ralph, age 2

I get so bent out of shape with that sitter. She drives me crazy. —Joan, age 30
 STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 89

The premise of the ABC model —based on the work of Dr. Albert Ellis, Dr.
Alaxie xMaultsby, and others — is that thoughts, interpretations, perceptions, and
underlying beliefs about the world trigger and control feelings, behaviors, and
even physical responses. Put another way, self-talk (also referred to as internal
dialogue or mind chatter) strongly influences self-esteem. Most people think out-
side events cause them to feel certain ways:

A » C

events cause feelings

ABC
To illustrate the ABC model, let's focus on the example of Lucy: That secre-
tary . . . acted like he didn't care." The secretary's actions did not cause Lucys
anger. Something important happened in between "A" and "C": self-talk. The
ABCs of esteem thinking look like this:

Activating event self-talk— evaluations. resulting feelings

or situation images about (A) and behaviors

Our internal, personal reaction and evaluation at "B" is what makes an event good
or bad. The events themselves have little or no meaning attached. We create per-
sonal meaning for events.
The three most important things people think about at "B" are themselves, the
other person, and the situation. One quickly evaluates and judges those three things.
If they are perceived as positive, positive feelings emerge. If they are perceived as
negative, negative feelings emerge.
Children's minds are not developed enough to make logical and rational eval-
uations and assessments of the world around them. As adults, our lifescripts still

may contain those faulty conclusions we drew when we were children. Now, how-
ever, we can learn and utilize the power of adult reasoning regarding self, other
people, and the world. Healthy, esteem-raising thoughts can be created.
We add to the example of Lucy two additional reactions to the same behav-
ior and the widely different feelings that result from those reactions:

Person 1: Lucy

A B C

A secretary coolly provided "He should at least Anger

answers to Lucy's questions smile. What did I do
about the transcript evaluation wrong? He's acting like

process at the college. I'm so stupid."

90 CHAPTER 7

Person 2: Tom
A B C
A secretary coolly provided "He must be having a bad day. Sympathy
answers to Tom's questions I just read that secretaries hold

about the transcript evaluation one of the most stressful

process at the college. positions in the country. I'm

surprised he can function after
registration."

Person 3: Cheryl

A B C
A secretary coolly provided "Okay, now know where
I to Neutral
answers to Cheryl's questions go— the registrar."

about the transcript evaluation

process at the college.

THE CAMERA CHECK AND YOUR SPECIAL LENSES

Maxie Maultsby created the idea of the "camera check" to analyze how objective
and rational one's thinking is at point "B." Using the camera check analysis, Lucy
1

could ask herself, "If I had taken a moving picture of what happened, would the
camera have verified what I am thinking?" A moving picture would not have
recorded Lucy's beliefs, values, and opinions ("He should at least smile. What did
I do wrong? He's acting like I'm so stupid"). Lucy added those meanings and

assumptions herself. Taking the camera analogy a step further, Lucy- placed a
cloudy set of lenses on the camera —cloudy and distorted by her own insecurities
and fault}- assumptions.

SELF-TALK AS AN UNCONSCIOUS HABIT

Advertisers spend millions of dollars each year creating just the right words and
pictures to sell their products. They use language and visual images to create pos-
itive feelings about products and generate sales. Advertising can create a desire
for products and cause us to take action. Even rocks have been sold when adver-
tised and packaged well! Likewise, the running conversation, or self- talk, in each
person's mind contains words and images that trigger specific feelings and
actions. The words we use in our thoughts are as powerful as advertising.
Language alone can cause feelings and actions that lower self-esteem.
Most of the time, self- talk, visual negative images, and thinking happen so
quickly that we are unaware of them. At some time in our lives, though, we con-
 STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 91

sciously learn and practice our thinking and behavioral patterns, for better or
worse. Sam and Grace provide two illustrations of how learning becomes a habit.

When Sam was learning to drive a stick-shift car, he recited the process in his
head: "Now, first press the clutch and let it out slowly. Second, listen to the
engine. Third . .
." Since Sam has mastered the stick-shift method, he drives on
"automatic pilot." His foot on the clutch is synchronized with his right hand on
the stick shift, seemingly without thinking. The vehicle runs smoothly. Negative
and positive thought processes become as automatic as driving a stick shift.

Repetition creates the "automatic pilot" reaction.

Grace has a fear of meeting new people. She becomes tense, her stomach
churns, and she mumbles her greetings. This physical and behavioral response is

immediate, related to Grace's negative subconscious reactions such as: "What if

she doesn't like me?" "He's looking at me strangely," "I'm so afraid of new peo-
ple." Although these negative thoughts produce her reactions and self-conscious
feelings, Grace does not consciously identify these thoughts. If she wants to
change, she must identify and examine the self-talk and the underlying beliefs
about new people and herself that are related to her fear.
Correcting yourself when using faulty language may seem almost too simple
as a strategy for enhancing your self-esteem. However, if we believe the premise
that our thinking originates in our basic belief system and that feelings do follow
from thoughts (the ABC model), then the impact of the different uses of language
will create a shift in our day-to-day feelings, outlook, and actions.

MISTAKEN BELIEFS
Albert Ellis 2 contends that irrational and stress-producing self-talk at point "B" is

a symptom of an underlying faulty belief system consisting of one or more of

these mistaken beliefs:

1. I must do well, and isn't it awful if I don't? (personal beliefs)

2. Other people must treat me well, (beliefs about others)

3. The world must be good and nonfrustrating, and how awful it is if it's not.
(beliefs about the world)

To change these painful, irrational beliefs, one must systematically and con-
sistendy challenge them.

THE MOANS
MOANS is an acronym for five words: must, ought, a/ways, never, and should.

These words impose unwavering, rigid demands on yourself, others, or the

—
world demands that are impossible to meet 100 percent of the time.
 :

92 CHAPTER 7

MOANS Esteem-building alternative

"I must get all A's." "I would like to get all A's."

"1 ought to leave this job." "I'm going to leave this job."

"Why are you always arguing with me?" "We argued about this last Sunday."

"I'll never learn algebra." "With a lot of work, I'll learn algebra."

"I should have been screened in for "I really would like to have been
that scholarship interview." screened in for that interview."

To combat negative or faulty thinking, listen for the MOANS and replace
them consistently with their alternatives.
Notice that the esteem-building alternatives shown above are characterized
by preferences and self-responsibility versus the unrealistic, blaming
realistic

rigidity of the MOANS.

WORDS OF A VICTIM MENTALITY

Words of a victim mentality rob people of freedom by placing them in victim
positions that produce feelings of powerlessness. Three examples are"made me,"
"can't," and "if only."

Victim: "My mother made me come over for dinner, but I really
needed to study."
Responsible esteem "I chose to go to my mother's for dinner even though I

alternative: needed to study."

Lewis Losoncy points out that the word "can't" implies "never under any
conditions whatsoever can I achieve this." 3 In using the word "can't," one feels
victimized and powerless and often shirks responsibility for action. Although
some "can'ts" in the world are realistic ("I can't turn back time"), most "can'ts"
are really "won'ts":

Victim: "I can't understand this text."

Responsible esteem "I won't put the study or tutoring time in to understand
alternative: this text, and I'm afraid to ask the instructor."

Notice the empowering, esteem-building difference!

"If only" places blame —on oneself and others. These words are wallowing
and whiny, victim qualities. The resulting feeling is self-victimization or victim-
ization by others.

Victim 1
"If only I had changed careers sooner, then school wouldn't
be so hard."
 — —

STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 93

Responsible esteem "School might have been easier to juggle when I was
alternative: younger, but I made the decisions about my life that were
best for me at the time, based on what I knew back then."

Mctim 2: "If only my father had been less critical. I would be happy
today."

Responsible esteem "Yes. my father was critical, and it hurt. But as an adult I

alternative: can learn ways to counter the effects of my negative

upbringing and take responsibility, through classes and
counseling, to make changes in my life."

Notice that esteem-building alternatives do not deny your feelings. Instead,

the alternative thoughts can help you acknowledge negativity, then move on.

OTHER FAULTY LANGUAGE

Fear of risk-taking and action arises when a person predicts dire consequences.
Catastrophizing and awfulizing were introduced earlier in the chapter. The per-
son predicts awful feelings and results if this "catastrophe" does happen. The
phrases to target are "what if and "that would be awful" (or horrible, terrible).
—
Many events in the world famine, earthquakes, hideous crimes are terri-
ble.Many results are uncomfortable, disappointing, inconvenient, or not what you
had in mind. The error of faulty thinking is in seeing everything that goes wrong
as a major catastrophe.

If I go to class and everyone sees how rusty I am in math, that will be horrible.
Larry, age 25

What if I apply for that scholarship and don't get it

:
I know I'll feel terrible.

Steve, age 19

What it I ask him tor lunch and he says no? That's so awful! —Trina. aee 39
By imagining the worst that can happen through "what lf-ing." a person does
feel terrible — as if the negative event already has happened. Catastrophizing and
awfulizing actually allow failure rehearsal. Bad feelings occur twice: before a possi-
bly disappointing result and after the result if it doesn't turn out the way one
would like.

An alternative to "what its" is to practice a philosophy and thinking style

called realistic positivism." Realistic positivism enables a person to avoid catas-
trophizing by viewing events realistically optimistically, and as objectively as
possible. Objectivity will help you to remove the habit of completely tying your
self-esteem to risky events. Rather than "looking at the world through rose-col-
ored glasses." without discriminating, you view events realistically, allowing for
94 CHAPTER 7

positive, negative, or neutral consequences. Some alternatives to the "what

if/awfulizing" examples given earlier are:

When I go to school, my teacher may see how rusty I am in math. I might be

embarrassed, but 1 can handle that. I'll find out —
how to get help. Larry, age 25

If I apply for that scholarship and don't get it, I'll be disappointed. I need to plan for
that possibility by having "plan B" — a financial and employment plan. I'll go and see
financial aid tomorrow. — Steve, age 19
When I ask him to lunch, it would be nice if he'd say yes. If he says no, I may feel

awkward, but then it's his loss! Well, I'm going to go do it! —Trina, age 39
As indicated by these examples, alternatives to faulty thinking styles include:

• Acknowledging the possibility of positive or negative or neutral consequences

and feelings.
• Assuring yourself that you can handle whatever the consequences are.

• Planning alternatives in case disappointment does result.

• Avoiding "what ifs" and awfiilizing language.

• Avoiding mind-reading other people's thoughts and predicting their responses.

• Reminding yourself that a disappointing or failed risk does not make you a
failure as a person.

identifying and changing jauity thinking

PURPOSES
To identify irrational self-talk that causes negative feelings and low self-esteem.
To develop rational, esteem-building alternatives to negative self-talk.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Think of a situation during the past week that you didn't handle well
because you became angry, anxious, depressed, or impatient, or felt any
other strong emotion. Briefly describe under "A— Event." it

2. Under "C —Feelings," describe how you about the felt situation.

3. Under "B — Self-Talk,"

give the dialogue or images or self-talk that took
place at the time of the incident. Include any rational or irrational dialogues.

4. Under "D — Challenges," write down challenges to irrational thinking that

happened at "B." Eliminate the MOANS, what ifs, can'ts, victim language,
 STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 95

and catastrophizing. Use the camera check to create esteem-building alter-

natives to your thinking at "B."

Example:

A B C D
Event Self-Talk Feelings Challenges

1 made a She's done a better Inadequate. silly, Just because my

display banner job. She's more not good enough. letters are crooked
for my class precise, better doesn't mean 1 did

presentation. organized. My a lousy job. If 1

Lynn made letters aren't good don't compare my

one too. enough. 1 never banner, it looks
think these things fine. 1 spent lots
through. 1 will of time on this.

never do anything If the professor

extra again. What compares us, 1 can
if the professor handle it. I've done
compares us? 1 my best. 1 went
can't stand it. the extra mile,
This is lousy. and I'm proud.

REFLECTIONS
\\ nat internal barriers to esteem thinking did you discover? (For example,
MOANS, mistaken beliefs, and so on.)
How does this exercise help you think esteem-building thoughtv-

A trategy Three: Assertiveness

V_ You have seen the strong connection between risk-taking and self-esteem
(see Strategy One). You have identified internal barriers to taking action and
explored new thought and language patterns. Now we present a strategy that pro-
vides a necessary link between internal thinking/feeling and external behaviors. That
strategy is assertiveness. Through assertive self-expression, self-esteem can grow.
When faced with conflict, animals have two basic choices: run or fight.
Human beings also have the survival mechanism of the fight-or-flight response
and, in addition, another choice: assertiveness.
 . —

96 CHAPTER 7

Assertiveness means focusing on a thought, need, feeling, or idea and express-

ing il in words. For those words to be assertive, they must be honest, appropriate,
respectful, and direct —
represented by the acronym HARD. In college, assertive-
ness further means asking questions and seeking the most from the educational
process. Expanding on the HARD framework:

1 Honest means saying how one actually feels. For example, many people
express positive feelings when they really feel neutral or even negative.
Others stifle their feelings and expose nothing. Families may not have mod-
eled honest expression (or any expression) of feelings. They may have
ignored their children's feelings because they felt uncomfortable with
expressing feelings. Socialization (the third and fourth circles) also teaches
how to stifle honest feelings through messages such as "don't rock the
boat," "keep smiling," "wait and see how everyone else reacts." To practice
assertiveness, one has to listen to and focus on feelings.

2. Appropriate relates to the environment: -cohere one is assertive, when one is

assertive, and with whom one is assertive. Appropriateness implies social

acceptability. For example, an assertive supervisor would not discipline an
employee in front of the employee's peers. The supervisor would do this in a
private office. You may not want to tell your elderly grandfather you dislike
his new tie; 100 percent honesty probably is inappropriate in that situation.

3. Respectful has two aspects: self-respect and respect for others. Individuals
show self-respect by taking care of themselves assertively; they do not allow
others to discount or exploit them, and they express their positive and nega-
They respect others by avoiding name-calling, blaming,
tive feelings.

embarrassing people, and directing other hurtful communication at others.

4. Direct is best understood by looking at some examples of its opposite indi-
rect communication:
• John drops hints to Elaine that he is angry about her being late all the
time. He pouts and slams doors. He never says, "I'm angry because
you've been so late for all our study sessions."
• Carol keeps attending her astronomy class, complains to others about
how difficult it is, and doesn't request academic help directly from a
tutor or professor.

• Manny talks and laughs with Jan after work, teases about how hungry
he is, but doesn't say, "Hey, would you like to go get a bite to eat?"

ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ASSERTIVENESS

Underlying the concept of assertiveness are four assumptions about assertive
behavior:
 STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 97

1. People cannot read minds. If you are uncomfortable, say so. If you feel posi-
tive, express it. If you don't understand something, ask. You do not have the
power to read others' minds, and others cannot read your mind.
2. The goal of assertiveness is communication, not winning. By practicing assertive-
ness, you take responsibility for yourself in Although any given situation.

you may repeat assertions, this is not a tool to try to make people behave a
certain way By communicating, individuals are empowered by having done
all they could do. You may not always get what you want or produce the

best results, but self-esteem comes from trying and making your feelings
and preferences known.
3. People can control only their own behavior. They can influence others but not con-
trol them. Expressing needs, thoughts, and ideas increases the chance of
negotiating change. If you make your feelings known, many people will be
influenced by what you say In the end, though, people will decide for
themselves how to behave or feel. Assertiveness is not the same as aggressive
power plays.
4. People do not have to be assertive I (JO percent of the time with 100 percent of the
people. Once people learn to be assertive they can choose not to be assertive.
Ask yourself: How will I feel in three (or five or 20) days if I don't speak
up? Is this person or situation worth it? Should I detach and let go? The
choice not to be assertive, however, must not be an excuse to stifle feelings
continually because "it's not worth it."

THE LINK BETWEEN ASSERTIVENESS AND SELF-ESTEEM

Let's take a closer look at some connections between assertiveness and self-esteem.

1. By expressing positive and negative feelings, asking questions, and taking risks to

enhance your life, you validate who you are. You are saying, in effect, "This is

who I am, this is how I feel, this is what I need to know in school (or else-
where)." Taking care of your own needs and wants is self-esteem-building,
"I'm worth it" behavior.

2. Assertiveness earns self-respect. Self-esteem is more likelv to develop when you

minimize victimlike behavior and maximize self-control.
3. Assertiveness earns the respect of others. By practicing assertiveness, you help
others learn that feelings, limits, and willingness to listen are important per-
sonal values. Through your assertion, others learn how you expect to be
treated. You are less likely to be perceived as a doormat, too shy, or even
uncaring.

4. Assertiveness strengthens your risk-taking behavior. Your self-esteem improves

as you continue to grow and change.
98 CHAPTER 7

OVERCOMING BARRIERS TO ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR

The most powerful barriers to assertiveness are internal. They include negative self-

talk, catastrophic thinking, and fear of taking risks. Another major barrier to
assertiveness is guilt. Cultural messages such as "peace at any price," "don't rock the
boat," and "put others' needs ahead of your own" create guilt. Applying the ABC
model, and supporting yourself through positive self-talk after assertiveness, reduces
guilty feelings. Examples of post-assertive self-talk are: "I did it!" "I did my best, and
I'm getting better all the time," "Good for me for trying!" "It's okay to say no."
The key is to provide yourself mental rewards for assertiveness. If guilty feel-
ings crop up, acknowledge them, but keep being assertive. Don't let a little

discomfort stifle self-expression.

Still another barrier is nonassertive body language. Even if your words are
assertive, your tone of voice, eye contact, and posture may communicate passivi-
ty (or aggressiveness). To overcome become aware of your nonverbal
this barrier,

style. Ask a trusted friend to give you feedback about your nonverbal communi-
cation. Think of people who appear to be comfortable with their assertiveness.
Analyze their style, and adapt their techniques.
Pride also can be a barrier to assertiveness.For example, you may feel that bv
telling a professor, "I don't understand," you lose face. Some people may have
been taught to "listen and learn" or "don't draw attention to yourself." Not ask-
ing for help, however, denies you the information you need to succeed in a —
lesson, in a class, and ultimately in life. Most teachers and counselors expect and
welcome questions. Do not let false pride stifle assertiveness.
A final barrier to assertiveness is not knowing and not accepting human rights.
By learning and accepting rights, you alleviate guilt and enhance confidence.
Others have the same rights you do. That where respect comes in.
is

Let's see how Jorge (first worked through his low

discussed in Chapter Six)
self-esteem in order to succeed in math. Looking back over his early messages
from school, Jorge realized it wasn't that he "didn't have a head for math" as he
frequently told others; the problem came from another source. Jorge's father was
in the military, so his family had moved many times during his elementary and

middle-school years. Even- new school was at a different place in its math stud-
ies, and Jorge had become frustrated and discouraged trying to catch up. One

classroom incident was particularly vivid in his memory: "The teacher would call
us to the front of the room one by one and make us solve algebra problems on
the board. I would pray to get an easy one but seldom did. One time, I didn't even
know where to start. The teacher must have been in a really bad mood because
he said this was stuff I should know and that I should stand there until I got the
right answer. If the bell hadn't rung for lunch recess, I'd probably still be there. I
can remember the humiliation and anger as if it were yesterday, and I know that
was when I decided math was not for me."
 .

STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 99

Realizing that his difficulties with algebra had more to do with old fears than

current Jorge decided to change his beliefs and behaviors. After looking at
ability,

his fears and then practicing some assertive techniques in his math anxiety class,
he met with his algebra instructor to discuss his difficulties and get the help he
needed. His instructor was understanding and willing to help. She also referred
Jorge to the tutoring center where he could get additional help. Jorge found that
once he conquered his fears, math was within his grasp. As he began to under-
stand how to solve equations, his confidence in his ability grew. Not only did he
learn to do algebra problems, Jorge now knows that asking for help when need-
ed is a sure path to success in school.

accepting your assertive rights

PURPOSES ^ ^ Z^
To recognize and identify assertive rights.

To remove barriers to assertive behavior by accepting rights.

To practice internalizing new human rights.

A partial list of basic human rights is:

• The right to have and express your own opinions.

• The right to interrupt to ask for clarification.

• The right to ask for help.

• The right to make mistakes.

• The right to ask for information from professionals.

• The right to decide how to spend your time, energy, and money.
• The right to have and express positive and negative feelings.

• The right to get what you pay for.

• The right to receive recognition for your achievements.

INSTRUCTIONS
1 Pick three of the rights that are toughest for you to accept.

2. Decide which of those three rights you would like to focus on for the next
two or three weeks.
3. On index cards or reminder notes inscribe the right. Put them on your mir-
ror, in your wallet, next toyour bed, or wherever you know you will see
those reminders. Use your name. Example: "Ann, you have the right to
make mistakes."
100 CHAPTER 7

4. Keep reminding yourself of your right until you feel comfortable accepting it.

5. Repeat steps 1 through 4 until you have internalized all the rights that were
barriers to you.

REFLECTIONS
Through this exercise you've learned to identify and begun to eliminate one or
more crucial barriers to assertiveness in order to accept your right to behave
assertively. How is this acceptance affecting your willingness to assert yourself?

INDIVIDUAL STYLES OF ASSERTION

Assertiveness does not conform to a right or wrong style. As indicated in the cir-

cle model, family environment and culture affect our self-esteem levels and
behaviors. Individuals who are products of may learn com-
urban environments
munication styles different from those in rural environments. Many women were
taught to place others' needs before their own and to be people pleasers. Many
men are rewarded for aggressive behavior and are labeled "wimpy" if they express
their feelings. All of these influences must be acknowledged.
Self-esteem is enhanced when you find an assertive style that is personally
comfortable and meets the HARD criteria. Many students are quietly, yet direct-
ly, assertive. Others are introverts and have learned to ask for what they want.
Some students have learned assertive behaviors very different from their families'
and cultures' teachings while continuing to honor those important parts of them-
selves. In making behavioral changes to raise self-esteem, each individual has to
start with small, easily attainable steps that are personally comfortable.

"I" LANGUAGE
"I" language is a basic technique of assertive communication. It acknowledges the
validity of one's own feelings and avoids blaming. In place of "victim" language,
the person begins to take verbal responsibility for feelings and thoughts. Here are
two examples that change "victim" language into "I" language:

Victim or Blaming Language "I" Language

"Jack, you make me so angry." "I feel angry with you, Jack."
"You never help around the house. "I feel annoyed when you don't help
This placeis a mess during finals." with housework while I study for finals.

Please do the laundry this weekend."

 STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM

PURPOSE
To practice assertiveness through a sequence of five exercises.

INSTRUCTIONS
Listed below are some "I" message sentence patterns. Select any pattern (or pat-
terns) that feels comfortable to you. In addition, do the exercises given for weeks
1 through 5. We suggest that you rehearse with each other in class. For example,

the members of the class may pair up and practice giving and accepting compli-
ments before practicing outside of class, in "real life."

"I feel when vou

"I would prefer

"I like

"I am uncomfortable with

"I don't understand

"I would like your help with

"I feel

Exercise for Week 1: Feelings

PURPOSES
To identify your own feelings.

To recognize that you must identify internal feelings before translating them
into assertive words.

INSTRUCTIONS
Six times a day for one week, write down on a small index card how you are feel-
ing at that moment. Begin to identify feelings that occur in response to some
situation. Examples: In class: "I feel confused." After breakfast: "I feel energetic."
At work: "I feel sad." Use the following headings:

Feeling Date Time of day

102 CHAPTER 7

Exercise for Week 2: Compliments

PURPOSES
To accept expressions of positive feelings from others.

To practice expressing positive feelings.

INSTRUCTIONS
For one week, accept all compliments extended to you by replying "thank you."
Give one compliment a day for one week. Record your compliments given under
the following headings:

What I said Other person's response How I felt after

Exercise for Week 3: Opinions

PURPOSE
To practice expressing personal thoughts and points of view.

INSTRUCTIONS
For one week, express an opinion each day. Start with nonthreatening people and
nonthreatening subjects. The opinions can be positive or negative as long as
they're your own. Examples: "I don't like this cold weather," "I think this class is

difficult." Record your opinions under the following headings:

Opinion expressed To whom Response How I felt after

Exercise for Week 4: Asking Questions

PURPOSES
To learn the importance of asking questions.

To overcome the fear of appearing "stupid."

INSTRUCTIONS
For one week, ask questions for information and clarification of people you know.
Start with your peers, then, toward the end of the week, practice asking questions
of authority figures. Examples: classmate: "How did you choose your academ-
To
ic advisor?" To math "Could you review Problem 6 again?" Under the
teacher:
headings below, record the responses and how vou felt.

Question Response How I felt after

 STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 103

Exercise for Week 5: Saying No

PURPOSES
To practice setting limits.
To begin eliminating people-pleasing and overextending behaviors.

INSTRUCTIONS
For one week, practice saying no when someone asks you to do something you
don't want to do. You may want to provide brief explanations, but don't make
long-winded excuses. You may need to start with just thinking about saying no,
and how that would feel. Write down all of the times you said no, or thought
about it, under the following headings:

What was asked

I What I said Response How I felt

REFLECTIONS
After you have completed all of the exercises, review them one by one. Were you
able to identify your feelings? Give compliments? Express opinions? Ask ques-
tions? Say no when you didn't want to do something? Congratulate yourself on
your progress. How did assertiveness "fit" your personality? What barriers to
assertiveness need to be overcome?

Assertiveness is a self-esteem-building communication skill that you can utilize in

college, on the job, and in relationships. By clearing roadblocks and learning

assertiveness techniques, you can create a personal style of assertiveness using the
HARD method. Each person's assertive style is unique and fits that person's per-
sonality. If you want to learn more about assertiveness, your college may have
workshops or entire classes on the subject. The publications listed in the bibliog-
raphy are excellent sources for further reading.

trategy Four: Relieving Stress

If you feel your body tense up, your stomach churn, and your fists clench,
you are experiencing physical symptoms of stress. Everyone's stresssymptoms are
unique, though, and what causes stress (the stressor) is highly individual. Cindy
gets headaches when talking to professors. John becomes tense while studying for
 -

104 CHAPTER 7

tests. Rico sweats when he simply thinks about seeing his ex-wife on campus.
Stress feelings are so habitual that we often are unaware of the faulty thinking
that started long ago to create the response.
The strategies presented here will relieve symptoms such as obsessive
thoughts and chronic worries. The more effectively people learn to cope with
stressful situations and the stress-producing thoughts that accompany them, the
higher their confidence levels will rise.

THOUGHT-STOPPING
Thought-stopping is internal assertion. It consists simply of internally inter-
rupting worries, "what if thinking, catastrophizing. MOANS, and other
—
obsessions saying to yourself strongly and consistently: stop! If you are alone,
vou may want to say "stop" out loud, breaking the worn" chain. You can control
vour thoughts rather than let them control you.
To accompany the internal assertion, many counselors recommend wearing
a rubberband on your Each time the negative thought pops up, snap the
wrist.

rubberband while saying or thinking "stop!" Over time, the annoyance of the
rubberband becomes so great that the mind will not want to come near that
thought!
To make the thought-stopping technique even more powerful, you can add a
new thought to replace the old one. So, for example, when you find yourself
obsessing about your performance on an upcoming test, use one of the thought-
stopping techniques above to interrupt your worn -
pattern. Then, add a positive

alternative. Msualize yourself remembering and retrieving all the material you
learned and successfully completing the test.

Thought-stopping takes practice and repetition. Negative and obsessive

thoughts and language creep back in. Each time, you will have to say or think
"stop." Eventually the faulty thinking diminishes and is eliminated.

BREATHING
All stressful thoughts and physical symptoms are accompanied by shallow or
intermittent breathing. When thoughts drift to negative thinking patterns,
breathing becomes shallow and irregular. Phil Nuerenberger, author of Freedo??i
from Stress, asserts that deep breathing and stressful thoughts are incompatible.
If you have watched a sleeping baby, you may have noticed the infant's lower
stomach expanding and contracting in a natural, rhythmic pattern. We are born
breathing naturally and deeply. Because of the daily stress of life and the tight
clothes we are encouraged to wear, however, our breathing pattern changes to a
learned, shallow style.
 STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 105

Negative, obsessive, self-esteem-reducing thoughts can be observed through

your breathing patterns. Most people in the Western Hemisphere have not paid
as much attention to the physical and psychological benefits of deep breathing as
Eastern people have done through meditation techniques such as yoga, which
integrally utilizes the power of the breath.
Simple awareness, practice, and correction of the stressful breathing patterns,
which are connected to thoughts that lead to low self-esteem, will help you
change those thought patterns.

PURPOSES
To contrast stress-producing breathing with relaxed breathing.

To practice a more relaxed, controlled breathing style.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Place your right hand on your upper chest, immediatelv below your collar-
bone. Breathe in and out five times. How does that feel?

2. Now place your right hand on your upper abdomen, a couple of inches
above your navel. Breathe in and out five times. How does that feel?

3. Last, place your hand on your lower abdomen, below vour navel. Imagine a

long, narrow balloon in your chest. WTien you blow up that balloon, the bot-
tom of the balloon fills with air first, and then the rest from the bottom up. 6
4. Breathe in and out five times, filling up the lower abdomen first. If it is

helpful, imagine the long balloon. Your hand will rise and fall as vou slowly
breathe in and out.

5. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. What is the
sensation and feeling of deep abdominal breathing?

REFLECTIONS
Notice how the deep breathing contrasts with the shallower, tension-filled
breathing you may have experienced first. Choose an object such as a traffic light
or a clock and practice your breathing every time you see this object.
106 CHAPTER 7

AFFIRMATIONS
After the mind is emptied of negative thoughts and the body becomes "centered"
through deep breathing, simple statements called affirmations can direct mental
energy in a more positive way. Affirmations are like the words of an internal nur-
turer or a best friend. Affirmations support a person through times of self-doubt
and worry and eventually help create a new belief system. Previously irrational
self-talk can be compared to ongoing advertisements for low self-esteem.
Through affirmations, positive advertising is created, enhancing self-esteem.
In her book Creative Visualization, Shakti Gawain advises that affirmations be
short, positive, simple statements. She suggests using the present tense and
putting full energy into the affirming thought. Other helpful recommendations
are to write affirmations on paper and to use first, second, and third person while
writing in the present tense, as in:

I, Ed. am competent and successful in college.

Ed. you are competent and successful in college.

Ed is competent and successful in college.

Xotice that the affirmations are short and use Ed's name each time. If Ed
finds himself worrying about his abilities to succeed and complete college, he can
use thought-stopping, deep breathing, and then affirmations to cut short the
worn' axle.
Affirmations should be repeated 15-20 times per day. To remind yourself of
your affirmation, write it down and put it in your wallet, tape it to the bathroom
mirror or put it in class notebooks and textbooks. Inundate yourself with new
goals and ways of thinking!

THE CASE OF ED
Ed has not been to school in 25 years. He feels self-conscious about his age.
although many re-entry students are in his classes. He has recurring self-doubts
and worries about his ability to study and take tests. He also worries that he won't
sound smart if he speaks in class. Through his counselor, he has learned
stop-breathe-affirm techniques and has begun to apply them throughout the day.
Ed walks into his English class. He immediately feels tension throughout his
body. Aware of his worries, he begins to apply the techniques (in italics):

Oh. no. Here I go again. I'm such a fool, getting so nervous. WTiat if she calls on
me? Some of these kids are so sharp. STOP! Ed. take a deep breath. Again. Okay.
. .

But look at you —you're a mess. . . . STOP! Breathe again. Remember. Ed. you are com-
petent and siucessful in college. I, Ed, am competent and successful in college. Keep breathing.
 STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 107

Ed relaxes as the instructor lectures. As the discussion portion of the class

begins, Ed's fearful reaction commences again. He looks down at his notebook
and sees the following affirmation written on the inside cover: Ed, you are compe-
tent and successful in college.

This affirmation reminds Ed to harness his internal nurturing voice. He reads

the affirmation three times while breathing deeply. Although Ed does not join the
discussion during his first Monday of practice, he continues to
stop-breathe-affirm throughout the week. By the Friday session of his writing
class, he asks the instructor two questions. He feels only slightly nervous but
immediately repeats his affirmation to himself. Ed has begun to really believe he
is competent and successful in college. He will need to keep practicing for sever-
al weeks, but as the semester continues, his good grades and the positive feedback
from his teachers will be proof of his competence and abilities.

i i i rr- • i i
thought-stopping and affirmation rehearsal
PURPOSE
To practice thought-stopping and affirmations.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. List five worries and fears that presently are occupying your mind, inter-
rupting your concentration, or causing you to lose sleep. They can be
worries about class, career, family, relationships, money, or any other issues.

2. Choose one worry on which to focus. Example: Barbs number-one worn i^

about her decision to quit her job and go back to school for a degree. She
continuously questions and second-guesses her decision, although she does
a great job of researching the possibilities and talking to resource people.
She would like to stop obsessing about her decision throughout the day and
affirm her self-confidence in her own general decision-making abilities.

3. Write an affirmation to counter your worry. Make it brief and in the pre-
sent tense, and use your name. This is Barb's affirmation: "I, Barb, am a
thorough decision maker, and I like how I make decisions." Write your
affirmation three times — in first, second, and third person.
4. Put a rubberband on your wrist. Now concentrate on your worn,'. Really
experience it until you feel the tension in your body and mind. Keep worry-
ing for a few minutes.

5. Now say "STOP!" while simultaneously snapping the rubberband on your

wrist and repeating the affirmations you listed.
108 CHAPTER 7

6. Repeat steps 4 and 5 until you really believe and feel the affirmations.

REFLECTIONS
How can affirming techniques help you in your college life? List at least one affir-

mation you will use for the rest of the school term.

\ trategy Five: Giving to Others

V^^ This strategy for self-worth and competence may be one of the most over-
looked self-esteem enhancement approaches, yet it can yield very satisfying and
gratifying benefits. Simply put, all of us have abilities, skills, or talents that can
benefit and enhance the lives of others. Additionally, we all have values that are
personal for us. These values may be social, political, environmental, or spiritual.

Giving a part of ourselves, in ways that are consistent with our personal values,
can actually help us in many ways as much or more than it helps the recipient of
our cause! As others appreciate us for our time and efforts, we too see our value
and worth. Our sense of competence is enhanced. We see ourselves as part of a
larger community and an important part of the world in which we live.

Low self-esteem people may feel that they have little or nothing to provide
to others. Or they may be self-conscious and afraid to take risks such as calling a

local political office to offer their time once a month, or offering to serve food at

a homeless shelter. However, given the opportunity, we believe that everyone has
something unique and wonderful to offer to others. We also believe that when we
expand ourselves into the world, we become less self-conscious and self-focused,
and in a way our problems seem smaller.
Simply reading to children or sight-impaired elderly, teaching a Sunday school
class, volunteering to stuff envelopes for a non-profit organization whose cause
you believe in, or taking part in a walk-a-thon to benefit a healthcare organization
are just a few ideas. You probably have more ideas. Start small and choose one
activity that fits your system of values. Use your assertiveness skills to set limits on
your time, but enjoy the process and internal rewards of giving to others.
Furthermore, you may be able to work with your college teachers to obtain
internship or independent study credit for your volunteer time. There are many,
many possibilities for you.
Self-esteem, as we know, is not only about focusing on ourselves. It is also

about finding our place in the world and appreciating ourselves for what we have
to offer.
 —

STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM 109

EXERCISE
giving to others
PURPOSE
To consider ways you can give to others.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. For now, forget about how much time you have. If you could, what kind of
volunteer work would you do? Areas to consider are your school, your
neighborhood, your religious institution, political causes, social causes, chil-

dren, or the elderly.

2. In small groups, brainstorm ways you can individually or collectively con-

tribute.

3. Report your ideas back to the class.

s
^Aummary
V *

into action.
This chapter
It
is the first in this book to translate what you have learned
addresses esteem-building in general, through concepts of risking,
removing internal barriers, assertiveness, reducing stress, and helping others.
Among the barriers to risking are perfectionism, maintaining status quo, fear
of failure, catastrophizing, and awfulizing. These impediments can be broken
down by setting achievable goals and working toward them in small steps, one at

a time.

Internal barriers to self-esteem begin early in life and may be reinforced in

your current environment, so they can't be changed overnight. The ABC model
sets the proper course by showing how you, not outside events, produce feelings
and reactions. The camera check and realistic positivism are two specific strate-
gies to overcome internal barriers to success.
Assertiveness training is based on the HARD premise: that good assertive
communication is characterized by honesty, appropriateness, respect, and direct-
ness. Among the obstacles to assertiveness are guilt, negative self-talk and body
language, false pride, and inattention to human rights. Strategies to improve
assertiveness include using "I" language, expressing opinions, asking questions,
and learning to say no.
Stress hinders esteem-building. It can be relieved through thought-stopping
(internal assertion), breathing techniques, and affirmations.
110 CHAPTER 7

diving to others is a self-esteem enhancement strategy that is frequently

overlooked. It will greatly benefit to whom you
you and those give.

The strategies in this chapter apply to school, work, relationships, and a

number of life situations in general. Chapter Eight provides strategies geared

specifically to your return to school.

NOTES
1. Marie Maultsbv. Help Yourself to Happiness (New York: Institute for Rational
Living, 1975), pp. 10-11.

2. Albert Ellis, address on rational-emotive therapy (RET), National

Convention of American Personnel and Guidance Association, St. Louis,
MO, March 21, 1983.

3. Lewis Losoncv, You Can Do It (Englewood Cliffs, N7 : Prentice-Hall, 1980),

p. 93.

4. Losoncy, pp. 49-62.

5. Phil Nuerenberger, Freedom from Stress: A Holistic Approach (Honesdale, PA:
Himalayan Institute, 1985), pp. 184-185.

6. The balloon technique is from Gay Luce, Your Second Life (New York:
Delacorte Press. 1979), pp. 80-81.

7. Shakti Gawain, Creative Visualization (New York: Bantam Books, 1985), p. 22.
 trategies ior

Success in School

How can your personality affect your time management skills?

How can you overcome procrastination 7

Will goal setting enhance self-esteem?

What are multiple intelligences?

How can you maintain motivation?

How can critical thinking skills help you?

Can you create a support system for success?

By practicing the techniques presented in this chapter, you will

become better able to achieve academic and personal success in

college. Good time management and study skills, as well as full

utilization of campus resources, build self-confidence. You will

learn to view tests, papers, and other college tasks from a respon-

sible, esteem-enhancing perspective. These skills won't be difficult

to learn. The keys are diligent practice and a desire for success.

^7 Tne Management , SS nes

_J Advice for managing your time often consists of paper-
and-pen strategies for scheduling tasks and responsibilities.
Although those strategies are important in attaining goals, the
ability and willingness to implement time management tech-
niques also are tied to self-esteem. Underlying time
management are issues of goal setting, personality type, pro-
crastination, perfectionism, assertiveness, and orientation and
motivation toward success.

Ill
112 CHAPTER 8

PERSONALITY TYPE: A LOOK AT

EXTRAVERTS AND INTROVERTS
In Chapter Two we explained the core circle, consisting of inhorn personality
tendencies, drawn from Jung's conceptualization and the Myers-Briggs typology.
Before we explore this connection, write down your four-letter code from
Exercise 2.1 in Chapter Two. Keep your preference code in mind as we examine
the time/type connection: Personality Preference Code .

Carol in Chapter Two let herself be interrupted by phone calls and other
distractions while she studied. Carol is an extravert with an orientation toward
people and the world outside herself. As with most extraverts, her energy flows
out to people and things, and Carol sometimes has difficulty concentrating on
individual study projects. If you prefer extraversion, you may need to develop
the strategy of inward (introverted) concentration for your studies by making
one- or two-hour commitments to uninterrupted study then rewarding yourself
with a 15-minute phone call break. The difficulty some extraverts have in adapt-
ing to uninterrupted, inward-directed study time can be alleviated by some kind
of reward system.
on the other hand, can become so lost in thought that their sub-
Introverts,
ject is interrupted by their own competing thoughts. If you
matter concentration
prefer introversion, you may also tend to avoid study groups or talking through
academic ideas with others. If so, you are naturally doing what is most comfort-
able for you. However, reaching out to fellow students and teachers for questions
and feedback could increase your college success through enhancing your use of
study time. Both preference types may need to learn to discipline themselves
accordingly for college study. Knowing your tendencies and learning to use both
introverted and extraverted skills will help you accept and adapt your preferences
so you can be more successful in college.

PROCRASTINATION
How often have you put off studying, although a part of you knows you "should"
get to it? Have you worked with who don't seem able to meet deadlines or
others
timelines? Both of these scenarios can be frustrating and may involve the behav-
ior of procrastination.
Procrastination is a time management issue, but it is also an important piece
of the self-esteem puzzle. A large part of self-esteem building is based on
engaging in activities that allow us to experience competence. In the short run,
procrastination may provide temporary relief from stress. However, in the long
run, if our procrastinating behavior results in mediocre or simply "passable"
results, we may have little to be proud of. We will lack a sense of real success
and competence.
 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 113

Another way procrastination may relate to your self-esteem is its connection

to risk-taking. We may procrastinate about doing something that is scan-, chal-

lenging, or new to us because we fear the unknown. Sticking to the status quo
might be safe in the short run, but in the long term, we will miss out on experi-
encing competence from engaging in new activities.
Procrastinating behaviors might also be type-related for you. For example, a
preference for perceiving rather than judging may lead you to put off completing
tasks because you may tend you prefer intuition,
to overextend yourself. Or, if

you might spend so much time researching, gathering information, and looking
at possibilities that simply starting a project might leave you feeling that you've

missed some "better" approach.

For example, Jesse starts writing his papers on the last possible day before
the deadline. Before he begins to write, Jesse works in the library for weeks at a
time, following up on even- footnote and bibliographic entry he discovers in his
research, just in case he finds more information to include. Although he is often
complimented for his thoroughness, it is difficult for him to begin the actual task
of writing. He often feels there is something "missing." Jesse needs to begin his
process of completion sooner, but his standards for readiness are often unrea-
sonably high.
If your homework or other chores do not appeal to you, instead of just "get-
ting it over with," you may put it off. Most of us know, however, those
ever-present, low levels of tension and stress that go along with a responsibility
that is hanging over our heads. This stress drains the concentration and energj
we need in order to focus on doing things we really enjoy. Eventually, we may feel

guilty and angry with ourselves for not accomplishing what we have set out to do.
When that happens, our self-esteem suffers once again.

PRIORITIES AND PERFECTIONISM

Accomplishing your best in areas of life that are important to you (such as par-
enting, work, schoolwork, and so on) is clearly worth striving for. Many of us may
achieve near perfection in specific areas. To accomplish something "just right" is

indeed a gratifying result of your efforts. Extreme perfectionists, however, then

start believing that everything they do should turn out perfectly, in order to main-
tain their self-esteem. We are only human, so eventually some things will turn out
differently from the way we would like. Perfectionists, who hold the strong, irra-
tional belief that "everything should turn out perfectly or I am a failure," become
extremely upset and sometimes depressed because their self-esteem has come to
depend on achieving 100-percent perfection. One mistake or less-than-perfect
accomplishment is interpreted as personal failure. From the breakfast dishes, to
the impeccable shine on the car, to the perfect grade report, perfectionists feel
even thing must be "just so" to maintain self- worth.
114 CHAPTER 8

Irrational perfectionism is a harrier to high self-esteem. It can keep you from

risking. You may be spending rime, money, and energy trying to achieve what
ma) not he physically possible. To avoid the pitfall of perfectionism, ask yourself:

1. Am I spending too much energy on this task?

;
2. Is it really worth it

3. Does my effort further my personal goals or am I trying to prove some-

thing tosomeone else (from my past or present life)?
4. What exactly is it I am trying to prove?

5. To whom am I trying to prove something?

Perfectionism and prioritization are closely To combat perfectionism, tied.

identifv vour lifetime, yearly, WTien you are clear about

and even weekly goals.

the goals you have developed for yourself (not to please someone else), spending
time perfecting activities that are irrelevant to your life's direction becomes clear-
lv counterproductive.
However, once your priorities are clear, you can stick with them. To practice
letting go of unrealistic perfectionistic expectations, tell yourself:

• It's okay to make mistakes. (You may be less forgiving of your own mistakes
than those of others.)
• It's okay to ask for help. You don't have to do everything yourself.
• It's okay to leave chores undone some days.
• It's okay not to have a perfect grade. Effort and improvement are what is

important.

SE
letting go of perfectionism
PURPOSES
To identify- areas in which you may hold perfectionistic tendencies.
To practice letting go of those tendencies.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. List three aspects of your life in which vou feel a need to be perfect.
Example: perfect meals; appearing competent all of the time at school;
kitchen floor swept after each meal; perfect clothing, make-up, office, and
so on.

2. For which one are you willing to let go of perfection for one week?
 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 115

3. Complete this sentence: "I'm willing to let go of for one week, and
I'm still okay."

4. Record your feelings (and anyone else's) about the process of letting go.

REFLECTIONS
After the week is up, consider the outcome. How did letting go affect you? You
may have discovered that life goes on, the roof doesn't fall in, and you're okay
even when things aren't done perfectly. By letting go of perfection, you free time
and energy for school, relationships with loved ones, or whatever your real pri-

orities are. Self-esteem does not depend on the appearance of perfection.

Optional activity: As a group or class, brainstorm and record areas of life in which
you you should be perfect. Then choose
feel a "letting go" area and repeat aloud
the sentence from #3 above.

ASSERTIVENESS
As with a myriad of family, work-related, or social commitments in your
a student
you face seemingly endless demands on your time. Loved ones may expect
life,

the same degree of availability of you as before you were a student. When you
assume the added responsibility of school, skills such as setting limits by saying
no and the art of negotiation can help you manage.
Significant others —mates, children, parents — may not understand the
amount of time you need for study. As the hours formerly spent with significant
others are transferred to study (even when you are taking only one class), they
may feel shut out or resent your school time. Communication, negotiation, and
assertiveness strategies often are effective in those cases.
By communication, we mean educating your loved ones about the time
required for study. A study time formula is presented in the next section. Show
family members this formula if they are old enough to understand it. Some three-
year-olds may understand simple concepts such as "Mom needs privacy to read
these 10 pages." Explain how your class relates to your long-term occupational
and educational goals. All the while, use "I" language and a nonapologetic,
assertive tone of voice.
Negotiation simply means "make a deal!" Jane's spouse Joe will watch the chil-
dren while she does her math. She'll take them to the zoo while he plays softball.
If Tim's son Leroy will type Tim's paper on his computer, Tim will let Leroy use
 .

116 CHAPTER 8

the car Saturday night. Trade favors with adults and provide positive conse-
quences and rewards for children.
When
your loved ones see and hear what school means to you, your success
will takeon a positive meaning to them. It will happen if you communicate and
negotiate your priorities. If they still do not provide support for you, you may
want to seek counseling and/or outside support.

SE
setting goals

Self-esteem is tied closely to global feelings about yourself and also to feelings of
accomplishment. By setting goals, starting with the smallest attainable ones, you
can build self-esteem through successes. Setting goals has the larger benefit of
helping you establish priorities for time throughout your life.

PURPOSES
To establish short- and long-term educational or career goals.

To break down those goals into smaller, attainable subgoals.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Write down a four-year goal. Specify this goal as either an education or a
career accomplishment.

Example: Juan's goal: "Since I'm a part-time student, in four years I would like

to have graduated with an associate degree in nursing. I want to be an RN."

2 To reach that four-year goal, what do you have to accomplish within two
years?

Juan's two-year goal: "In two years, I will have completed my required biolo-

gy, writing, and chemistry courses to be accepted into the nursing program."

3 Now let's narrow the focus to the current semester or quarter. By the end of
the semester/quarter, what do you want to accomplish?

Juan's semester/quarter goal: "By the end of this semester, I want to have
completed my sociology and writing classes with a grade of at least B."

4. Let's go one step further: What will you do today to reach your one-
semester goal?
Juan's answer: "I will read one chapter in sociology and write three pages of
my six-page writing assignment."
 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 117

REFLECTIONS
Focusing on and writing down short- and long-term goals clarifies the relevance
of daily school assignments. Furthermore, family and other important people in
your life can literally see zi-hy you need to study today. Think about how you can
utilize this goal-setting exercise for career, housing, relationship, and almost any
other kind of goal in your life.

eveloping Study Skills

you have been away from school for a number of years, your studv
If

skills may be
rusty. Perhaps in high school you never developed strong study

habits or you have forgotten those you once had. In either case, you can raise your
self-esteem (and your grades) by identifying the study skills you lack and devel-
oping an action plan to get the help you need.

assessing study skills

PURPOSE
To help you determine your current level of study skills.

INSTRUCTIONS
Rate your school skills according to the following scale:

1 = very poor 2 = poor 3 = average 4 = good 5 = excellent

1. Capacity to set clear goals that help me understand

why I'm in school and explain how my coursework
relates to the big picture. 3 4

2. Ability to maintain my motivation throughout an

entire quarter/semester. 12 3 4

3. Ability to follow a lecture, picking out main points,

supporting details, and relevant information. 3 4

4. Ability to adapt to a variety of lecture styles, including

being able to deal with boring or uninspiring courses. 3 4 5
 ..

118 CHAPTER 8

5. Ability to perform well on objective tests. 1 2 3 4 5

6. \!>ilitv to perform well on essay tests. 1 2 3 4 5

7. \bilitv to perform on tests without excessive anxiety. 1 2 3 4 5

8. Ybility to manage time. 1 2 3 4 5

9. Ability to use the library to conduct research. 1 2 3 4 5

10. Reasonable level of comfort with technology such as

personal computers, telephone registration system,
databases at the library, and so forth. 12 3 4 5

11. Understanding the concept of "active learning" and

knowing about the study methods that work best for me. 1 2 3 4 5

12. Understanding my unique style of learning. 1 2 3 4 5

1 3 Knowing how memory works and techniques I can use

to help remember key concepts in my courses. 1 2 3 4 5

14. Knowing about tutoring resources. 1 2 3 4 5

15. Knowing about resources for improving my study skills. 1 2 3 4 5

Your score:

If you had a perfect score (75), skip the rest of this exercise.

If you scored between 60 and 70, your skills are good, but take time to review
anyway. It will pay dividends at exam time.

If you scored below 60, the next section will be especially beneficial to you.

If you have been out of school for a period of time, your study skills are likely to
be rusty. Seek help before you run into trouble. Here are some things you can do:

1. Take a class. Most colleges have study skills courses. Taking a class is an effi-

cient way to learn new skills and refine old ones, because you have the
benefit of an instructor's knowledge and experience, class time to practice
new skills, and the opportunity to ask questions. An added benefit is the
presence of other students who can support you as you learn and grow. You
probably will find special-topic study skill classes as well. For example, math
anxiety is recognized as a problem for many students, and campuses often
offer courses to help students deal effectively with it.

2 Look for seminars on your campus. Most colleges offer noncredit lectures on
various aspects of study Although these workshops do not provide the
skills.

depth of a semester-long course, you still can benefit from attending.

 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 119

Read a book. Some excellent study skills books and materials are suggested in
the bibliography at the end of this book. Or ask your librarian to help you
find one that meets your needs. you check the catalog listings in your col-
If

lege or public library, you probably will be amazed at the number and
variety of books for all aspects of study.

4. Form a study group. Enlist the help of your fellow students as you study
together. The experience and information you share can be useful to all as

you learn from each other.

5. Talk with your instructor. Most teachers are happy to answer your questions
about how vou can do better in class.

6. Make sure your reading skills are adequate for college work. If your school offers
a reading assessment, take it, whether it's required or not. You can get by
with lower reading skills, but the price you pay is reduced efficiency and
wasted time. You need good reading skills to succeed in college.

7. Ask for help when you need it. See your academic advisor, counselor, instruc-
tor, or tutor. The professionals at y'our school are eager to see you succeed.
Help is available.

REFLECTIONS
You may wish to refer to the discussions on assertiveness and campus resources to
help you determine where and how to ask for the assistance vou need. Your suc-
cess in college is too important to be left to chance. Make sure vou know your
skill level and how to get assistance if you need it. List one area you have target-

ed for improvement:

PLANNING SUFFICIENT STUDY TIME

Understanding how much time is really required for adequate studv of course
materials is a critical piece of the school success puzzle. Many new students
underestimate the time they need to complete tasks because they don't under-
stand how college works. A credit hour means that for even credit you earn,
you will be in the classroom for that amount of time. So, when you register for
a three-credit class, you will be in class for a minimum of three hours per week
(lab classes may require even more time). In addition to time in class, you need
to plan twice that for study time. This is what is known as the 2:1 formula for
study success.
120 CHAPTER 8

STUDY TIME FORMULA

I [ere are sample schedules for a part-time and a full-time student:

Norm's schedule (part-time student)

English 101 = 3 credits

Algebra 130 = 3 credits

Total: 6 credits X 2 hours of study per credit

= 12 hours of study per week

-I- 6 hours in class

= 18 hours devoted to college per week

Dorothy's schedule (full-time student)

English 101 = 3 credits

Math 070 = 3 credits

Computers 100 = 3 credits

Sociology 100 = 3 credits

Study Skills 100 = 3 credits

Total = 15 credits X 2 hours of study per credit

= 30 hours of study per week
+ 15 hours in class

= 45 hours devoted to college per week

The study time formula provides an estimate of the time commitment of col-
lege. Many classes take more study time if they are difficult subjects for you, and
other classes take less time if the subject comes easily. For example, your first
algebra class will probably require more hours than the 2:1 formula shows, so
adjust your time accordingly.
Awareness of the time commitment needed for college will allow you to bud-

get study time accordingly. Alleviating the demands of an overloaded schedule

through awareness of personal roadblocks, along with family help and support,
will increase vour chances for college success.

understanding time required for study

PURPOSE
To give a realistic idea of time required for adequate study.
 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 121

INSTRUCTIONS
List your classes and the number of credits per class. Apply the 2:1 formula,

adjusting where necessary for time-consuming courses.

Total credits x 2 hours of study per credit = study hours per week.
My study need is hours per week.

REFLECTIONS
What have you realized about your time commitment to school? Have you
planned enough study time? Are there any adjustments you wish to make? Be
aware that this is only an initial estimate of the time you will need. You may find
it necessary to revise after you try out this study plan.

eveloping Your Support Systems

Identifying and developing support systems is another key to your
success in college. You you are more likelv to stay in school when
will find that

you have people around you w ho care about your success and will help you get
r

where you need to be.

Humans are social animals, and we utilize support groups for everything from
ending compulsive shopping to giving up drugs and alcohol. Look around for indi-
viduals or groups to support you. Connect with a respected teacher or counselor.
Form study partnerships or groups. Successful students are those who can take
charge of their own education, get their needs met, and ask for help and support.
122 CHAPTER 8

assessing support systems

PURPOSE
lo help you identify potential support networks.

INSTRUCTIONS
Identify at least two potential sources of support in the following areas. Omit
those that are not relevant and add any that are not listed.

A. Moral Support and Encouragement

Family:

1.

2.

Friends:

1.

Faculty/staff at school:

1. _

2.

B. Academic Assistance
Family:

1.

Friends:

1.

2.

Faculty/staff at school:

1.

2.

C. Child Care

Family:

1.

2.

;
 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 123

Friends:

1.

2.

D. Other Areas Where I Might Need Support

REFLECTIONS
What support systems do you have in place? Where do you need to develop oth-
ers? Brainstorm ways to develop support with your classmates. List one goal
regarding developing support systems:

/ \v/| ultiple Intelligences:

L J_ How You Are Smart
As you experience your return to formal education, you may have made assump-
tions about your abilities in school and how "intelligent" you are. Most of us are
familiar with the traditional view of intelligence based on the intelligence quo-
tient, or IQ, of an individual. This is often expressed as a fixed number based
primarily on verbal/numeric abilities that we are said to carry with us through our
lives. If you were told your IQ or think you have guessed it, you have probably
overlooked the value of other sources of intelligence that each of us have in vary-
ing degrees.
Howard Gardner, a Harvard professor who worked with both brain-damaged
people and normal and gifted children, observed that the people he was in con-
tact with had a wide range of capacities. Through his observations, he reframed
our view of intelligence toward a much broader view. Gardner asserts that intel-
ligence is the "ability to solve problems or create products that are valued in one
or more cultures or communities." 1
Gardner's view focuses on what people can
do in the real world, not just what they know in their heads.
Gardner identified eight intelligences based on several criteria. Some of these
criteria are:
124 CHAPTER 8

The intelligence must be able to be isolated through brain-based and/or

neurologic ;il evidence

It must be universal to all human beings; no matter where in the world you
live or what your culture, this intelligence capacity can be found.

The intelligence must be able to be transmitted through symbols such as

writing, pictures, numbers, musical notes, etc.

The intelligence must go through distinctive stages of development.

CISE ! . , 7 , r 7
.
i .
L ii. r i i r.
j
applying knowledge oj multiple intelligences jor school conjidence

PURPOSE
To help you to remove negative psychological messages about your abilities by
exploring your own multiple intelligences.

INSTRUCTIONS
Review the eight intelligences as outlined below. Use this broader, more demo-
craticview of intelligence to recognize the different ways you are smart in the
world. Realize that all of these ways to be intelligent are valued by our culture
(put another way, valued by the third and fourth circles for self-esteem), and that
you in turn can recognize and value your intelligence capacities within yourself.
Furthermore, although very few of us will excel in all eight capacities, multiple

intelligence theory asserts that we all have the potential to grow and improve in
any of these eight areas.

Musical

The capacity to analyze, compose, or play music. To hear patterns in music.

Musicians, composers, and conductors express musical intelligence capacities.

Name two famous people, past or present, who strongly possess and express
musical intelligence:

Name two people you know who strongly possess and express musical intelligence:

How developed is your musical intelligence?

minimally average above average very

 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 125

Bodily-Kinesthetic

The ability to be athletic and to control or isolate parts of your bod}'. Athletes and
dancers express bodily-kinesthetic intelligence capacities.

Name two famous people, past or present, who strongly possess and express
bodily-kinesthetic intelligence:

Name two people you know who strongly possess and express bodily-kinesthetic
intelligence:

How developed is your body-kinesthetic intelligence?

O minimally J average J above average W very

Spatial

The ability* to envision patterns in space in your mind. Sculptors, architects, car-
penters, and tailors express spatial intelligence.

Name two famous people, past or present, who strongly possess and express
spatial intelligence:

Name two people you know who strongly possess and express spatial intelligence:

How developed is your spatial intelligence?

O minimally O average 1 above average J very

Interpersonal

The ability- to communicate with, empathize with, and understand people; to

"read" people. Good leaders, therapists, and sales people have developed a high
degree of interpersonal intelligence.

Name two famous people, past or present, who strongly possess and express
interpersonal intelligence:
126 CHAPTER 8

Name two people you know who strongly possess and express interpersonal
intelligence:

How developed is your interpersonal intelligence?

3 minimally 3 average P above average J very

Intrapersonal

The ability7 to reflect on who you are, your strengths and weaknesses, and recog-
nize areas for personal growth. Good therapists and clergy have a high degree of
intrapersonal intelligence.

Name two famous people, past or present, who strongly possess and express
intrapersonal intelligence:

Name two people you know who strongly possess and express intrapersonal
intelligence:

How developed is your intrapersonal intelligencer

J minimally O average O above average O very

Linguistic

Excellence in language, including the written and spoken word. Writers, lawyers,
and professional speakers exhibit this intelligence.

Name two famous people, past or present, who strongly possess and express lin-

guistic intelligence:

Name two people you know who strongly possess and express linguistic intelli-
gence:

How developed is your linguistic intelligence?

J minimally J average 9 above average J very

 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 127

Logical-Mathematical

Abstract thinking abilities, such as the facility to use numbers and logical thinking,
are expressed through this intelligence. Engineers, scientists, and mathematicians
draw on this intelligence.

Name two famous people, past or present, who strongly possess and express
logical-mathematical intelligence:

Name two people vou know who strongly possess and express logical-mathe-
matical intelligence:

How developed is your logical-mathematical intelligencer

minimally average Z above average very

Naturalistic

The ability* to classify- and distinguish features in the natural world ami environ-
ment. Botanists, gardeners, and tanners exhibit this intelligence.

Name two famous people, past or present, who strongly possess and express
naturalistic intelligence:

Xame two people you know who strongly possess and express naturalistic intel-
ligence:

How developed is your naturalistic intelligence?

minimally average above average very

REFLECTIONS
How can understanding multiple intelligences help you understand yourself better?
128 CHAPTER 8

\ pecial Strategies for

C_ Connecting to Others
In returning to school, many students feel they have been particularly influenced
by the teachers, curricula, and educational systems of the third circle in the circle
model and bv negative messages portrayed in the media of the fourth circle. If
this is the case for you. specific strategies will help you begin minimizing or elim-
inating the messages and behavioral effects that are detrimental to self-esteem in
college and in general.

ACADEMIC CONNECTIONS
In Chapter Four, we discussed the lack of strong (or any) female, nontraditional male,
and minority role models in textbooks, history classes, literature, and so on. .Many
readers might conclude that these individuals have not been important or haven't
done much and, therefore,what they do accomplish is not very important. The
women's and civil movements as well as increased awareness of people with dis-
rights
abilities during the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s had an effect on the educational system.
From elementary school through college, many required classes have been infused
with content covering the "hidden history" that rarely was taught previously.
An important contribution to self-esteem comes from learning the history of
people whose gender, race, or religion have rarely or never been acknowledged in
textbooks. Learning this history will help you discover the lessons that may not
have been pointed out during your formal schooling. It will provide role models
of achievement through books, instructors, and guest speakers who visit the class-
room. To do that, we recommend that you build the following strategies into your
college career.

1. Look in the index of your college catalog. Find classes in women's studies.
African-American history, gender psychology, gay and lesbian studies, dis-
ability studies, or other areas that interest you. These classes may be listed
under "history of . . .
," "sociology of. . .
." "psychology of . . .
," or "litera-
ture of . . .
."

2. Write down three to five class options vou can take to learn about the con-
tributions and issues of minorities and women.
3. Take one of these classes as an elective, even if your program does not require
it. Ask the professors for their syllabi to learn what to read on your own.
4. Write research papers and present reports in your classes focusing on the
issues and achievements of women, nontraditional men, and minorities,
especially those of your own culture.
 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 129

5. To increase your understanding of other cultural points of view, take classes

and write papers about cultures other than your own.

PERSONAL CONNECTIONS
A mentor is a guide, a coach, or a role model who can show you the ropes. People
who haven't been to college or are the first in their families to attend college may feel
inadequate regarding the ins and outs of academic and professional success.
Professionals such as counselors, advisors, professors, and graduate teaching assis-
tants can give you advice about campus organizations, jobs on campus, and "survival"
techniques in different subjects. They can guide you by offering concrete informa-
tion and the psychological boost and encouragement you might need at various

junctures. Use assertiveness and risk-taking skills to set up meetings and ask for help.
Another boost to self-esteem and competence as a college student is becom-
ing an observer of professionals you admire. How do they treat people? How do
they teach? What do you like about their styles? Y\ nat aspects of yourself would
you like to develop to learn how to do the things you admire in those role mod-
els? Hone your analytical skills and your powers of observation to decide what

makes a person successful. We call this becoming an "observer mentoree." Don't

stop at observing. Talk to the individuals you admire. You'll also want to ask them
about their career paths.
Many campuses have formal student organizations that provide cultural,
political, and sometimes simply social avenues for students to meet individuals
like themselves. Students of color and of minority religions learn to support one
another in practical and emotional ways while working on common projects.
These groups foster a sense of belonging to a community on college campuses
that can seem alienating and impersonal. Connecting with established campus
groups can answer questions in your mind such as "Am I the only one who's like
this?" Your confidence is boosted when you meet others who share common cul-
tural beliefs and experiences. Often, joining campus groups is an avenue to meet
caring advisors who might serve as mentors or role models.
For example, Brian, whom we met in Chapter Five, decided to visit a meeting
of his college Hillel chapter (Hillel is a campus-based organization for Jewish stu-
dents). Through that organization, he was able to attend and celebrate religious
observances with other Jewish students. He also participated in workshops to learn
more about the philosophy of Judaism. He made friends who supported him and
easily accepted his beliefs and identity. He even selected an Old Testament class to
meet a college humanities requirement. In that class, he learned to understand and
celebrate his rich religious and cultural background.
Brian's process of enhancing his self-esteem by reaching out to the campus
Hillel group is paying off. He is finally forming a sense of pride and confidence
in his heritage and in himself.
130 CHAPTER 8

Support groups can be informal. These range from small groups of re-entry
students meeting for coffee after class to study groups with the purpose of pass-
ing the next management exam. In one study, Astin found that the most
important influence on growth, development, and success in college is the oppor-
tunity to regularly interact and learn with similar students. Similarities might
include major, age, or going though a similar life experience. 2
Smith's theory of self-esteem and race, described in Chapter Five, also high-
lighted that the protection, belongingness, and security offered by a group of like
individuals can raise ones confidence level and chances for success. 3 If your
schedule permits, you may want to consider joining a student group. Regardless

of the type of group you join, the aim is to meet other students to create a sense
of belonging for yourself.

dentifymg Campus Resources

_i Most college campuses provide a variety of support services specifically
designed to encourage student success and to assist students who attend their
institution. These services have various names and titles. The student services
offered at most schools are outlined below.

COUNSELING
If you are undecided about your career or major, need assistance with educational
planning, or have personal problems that interfere with your schoolwork, counsel-
ing is usually free and career testing carries little or no charge. On most campuses,
college counselors have training in helping students deal with school-related anxi-
ety issues. If you feel that text anxiety blocks you from performing well in school,
seek help in your counseling center. Also watch for classes and seminars specifical-
ly designed to help you combat text anxiety. The counselors are there to assist you.
You may want some of the self-esteem strategies in this book or may
to talk over
need one-to-one counseling in some area. These professionals can be helpful, espe-
cially if education, career, or personal concerns become overwhelming.

Ric (see Chapter Five), who has little interest in sports and is more interest-
ed in photography and other art forms, went to see a counselor at his school
because he was unsure what to major in. After taking the Myers-Briggs Type
Indicator (described in Chapter Two), he learned to accept and celebrate his non-
traditional (for males) personality style. He also took career interest tests that

confirmed what he knew about himself all along: he enjoyed and wanted to pur-
sue artistically oriented careers.
Ric's counselor referred him to male faculty members in nontraditional fields
who could serve as advisors and mentors for him. Through the encouragement of
 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 131

his counselor and other campus faculty, Ric's self-esteem and his belief in his
artistic talents have been encouraged and enhanced. He has role models who have
broken tradition!

STUDENT ACTIVITIES
Student activity departments typically sponsor organizations, clubs, cultural
events, student government, guest speakers, and concerts. Student organizations
may be funded if they have a minimum number of members. Organizations vary
from African-American clubs to debate teams to women's organizations. The stu-
dent activities office will help you find out if a group of students with backgrounds
or interests similar to yours exists on the campus.

FINANCIAL AID
Government grants, public and private scholarships, campus-based work study
jobs, and loans are administered and coordinated through the financial aid office.
It provides applications and assistance in locating sources of financial aid. Part-
time students are eligible for much of the available financial aid. Financial aid can
ease the monetary (and emotional) burden of returning to school.

LEARNING SKILLS CENTER

Learning styles, study skills, and math anxiety workshops are just some of the top-
ics that a college learning skills center will provide. These
might help you
offices
to learn to get the most out of your textbook or how to take notes from your pro-
fessors' lectures. A few practical tips offered by the staff of these centers could

smooth the way for your college success.

ACADEMIC ADVISING
Academic advisors are specialists in course and program planning. They can
answer questions regarding graduation requirements, transferable classes, major
requirements, and how to balance a class schedule. You should see an academic
advisor at least once a semester. Finding an advisor you feel comfortable with and
seeing that person regularly can be a great help to you.

TUTORING
Tutoring is provided in various forms: through tutoring centers, associated aca-
demic departments (such as math tutoring through the math department), or
132 CHAPTER 8

special programs for minority or re-entry students. Your instructor or academic

advisor should know the best way to get extra help. Pride or lack of assertiveness
should not be a roadblock to seeking help in overcoming academic barriers.

Tutors are there to help you through these barriers.

ADMISSIONS AND RECORDS

When vou applied and registered for college, you probably received mail from
this office. The admissions staff sends transcripts to other colleges or to employ-
ers for a small charge, validates the number of credit hours you are enrolled in for
insurance and other purposes, and checks your adherence to graduation require-
ments. This office will also tell you if past credits you have accumulated can apply
to your current program of study.

COLLEGE LEVEL EXAMINATION PROGRAM (CLEP)

TESTING AND OTHER ASSESSMENTS
The CLEP is a series of exams designed to demonstrate knowledge in a variety7

of subject areas. Through CLEP, students may bypass introductory coursework

after testing and at the same time earn college credit. Many campuses also pro-
vide placement and language proficiency exams through the testing center. Any
alternative ways to earn college credit are worth seeking out.

CAREER AND JOB PLACEMENT

Career and job placement centers are resources for printed and computer-based
information about job outlooks, college majors, job descriptions, professional
career paths, resume writing, interview skills, and employment openings in the

local job market. Guest speakers and workshops may be scheduled for certain
careers and the local job market. Many students' motivation to attend college is

to improve their employment opportunities. This office is the place to go to

research your prospects in your chosen career field.

RESOURCES FOR STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES

Students with physical, learning, or emotional disabilities often are eligible for
assistance designed to provide support in completing their education. Note-tak-
ers and tutors are two examples of services this department may offer.
 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 133

+1 EXERCISE
connecting with services
PURPOSE ^ -

To learn to find specific campus offices and services.

INSTRUCTIONS
Individually or in teams, do the following:

1. Use local college directories, student handbooks, computer databases, and

print materials your college provides to locate the following resources:

Student Activities
Financial Aid

Counseling
Academic Advising
Tutoring
Admissions and Records
CLEP and Assessments
Career and Job Placement
Services for Students with Disabilities

Some of the tides at your school may differ from those listed (for example,
Financial Aid may be listed under Scholarships and Financial Ad).

2. Call each resource and make an appointment with the director of the pro-
gram or another knowledgeable staff person to obtain information
regarding their services. For each, write down the following information:

Contact person(s):
Location:

Phone number:
Hours of operation:
Services available:

Other comments:

3. Report to the class, individually or as a team, about the information you

gathered.

4. (Optional) .Arrange with your instructor to invite guest speakers from one
or two key campus resources to talk to the entire class.
134 CHAPTER 8

REFLECTIONS
Contemplate how you can empower yourself and, therefore, enhance your self-
esteem by making connections with campus resources and utilizing the full array
of available services. You need not feel lost once you have identified student-ori-
ented people and services. You need only call upon your assertiveness and ask.

M aintaining Motivation
"I'm just not motivated to
have you heard yourself saving something
be difficult to feel

tasks that seem more

with not being motivated
attractive
is
start that assignment."
like that? Let's face

motivated to do schoolwork. There are usually

and can lure us away from studying.
that it can start a downward
it.
How many times
Sometimes

spiral that has

it

many other
The problem
an effect
can

not only on grades but on self-esteem as well.

Here is how the process works: I'm not feeling motivated so I don't study. I

don't study somy grades suffer. When my grades are low, I am even less motivated
to study. My self-esteem suffers along with my grades because I am not accom-
plishing my goals. My lowered self-esteem keeps me from tackling other risks.
Howdo you motivate yourself? One important step is to acknowledge that
motivation is totally under your control. It isn't something that magically just

happens. It doesn't come from outside you. In reality, motivation is a choice you
make. Choosing to be motivated will raise your self-esteem, while making the
opposite choice results in lowered self-esteem.
Here are some ideas for staying motivated:

1. Know why you are in school. Review for yourself all the reasons why this path
you have chosen is the right one for you to follow. List them on paper and
keep your list where you can see it frequently.
2. Change the messages in your mind. Instead of telling yourself, "I'm so unmoti-
vated!" give yourself positive messages about what you intend to
accomplish. Remember the self-esteem and accomplishment connection.
3. Make a commitment to yourself. Commit to a schedule to work on the task

and then do it. Honor your commitment to yourself just as you would a
promise to anyone else.

4. Find reasons to be motivated. Think about the pleasure of a task accomplished

and over.

5. Act as if. A tried and true technique for behavior change is to act as if the
behavior you seek already exists. In order to do this you will need to ask
 .

STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 135

yourself what a motivated person does that an unmotivated person does not.
Once you have the answer, act on it. Act as if you are motivated and you
will find that you are.

Reward yourselffor changes. When you find yourself following any of the
ideas listed above, give yourself a reward. Behavior that is rewarded is more
likely to continue, so while motivation will have its own long-term rewards,
you will want some short-term rewards as well. A break to read a few pages
in that novel you've started, a short walk with a loved one, or anything you
find satisfying can be a great reward.

If your lack of motivation continues, talk it over with someone. You may need
help in uncovering the reason beneath your lack of motivation. Once you
have that, you can make an action plan.

maintaining motivatioi
PURPOSE
To help you identify ways to keep your motivation high.

INSTRUCTIONS

1 Identify at least one class where you feel your motivation needs improvement.
2. Ask yourself, "Why am I not motivated to study for this class?" Brainstorm
and list all the reasons, however trivial they may seem.
3. Ask yourself, "Why do I need to take this class?" If you don't know, ask
your advisor. Finding out the purpose of a class can help you put it in prop-
er perspective.

4. Use your critical thinking skills to determine what there is about this class

thatyou could find useful. Keep an open mind. Know that there are people
who do enjoy this class. What is there about it that someone else could find
pleasurable?

5. List all the potential benefits of finishing this class. Then list the likely
problems of not finishing it or not getting an acceptable grade.
6. Set a study schedule for this class. Identify rewards you can give yourself for
sticking to your schedule.

Callie,whose major was engineering, needed to take an introductory psychology 7

course as part of her program requirements. WTule she enjoyed her math and sci-
ence classes, she found she had difficulty motivating herself to study psychology.

She put off studying because she didn't feel motivated, and her grades were
beginning to show her lack of interest.
136 CHAPTER 8

Here is how Callie dealt with her problem: She realized that she was biased
against psychology because she thought only the "hard" sciences were really use-
ful. 1 Ier advisor explained that a psychology course could help her gain an
understanding of human behavior and could help her deal with future clients.

Armed with this knowledge, she began to look for ways in which the class could
be useful to her. She scanned the text index and found a chapter on child develop-
ment. "I'm a parent. At least that portion will be helpful to me. Besides, I don't
have to love it, I just have to do it," she told herself. "And, if I don't get through
the course this time, it will throw off my planned transfer to the university."

Callie made a commitment to stop giving herself negative messages about

this class.She set a regular schedule for study, and stuck to it. The reward she set
for herself was to plan a special activity with her 5 -year-old for every Saturday
morning. By taking charge of her own motivation, Callie was able to complete
the class on schedule. She was proud of her accomplishment and had learned a
skill to help her in the rest of her college career.

c
critical
ritical
One
thinking skills.
Thinking
of the best ways to help yourself in school and in
What do we mean by To be a critical
critical

thinker means that you are able to think reflectively and productively. You can see
thinking?
life is to develop

different sides of a question, evaluate evidence, and make clear choices. You know
what you believe and why. Critical thinking is useful in reading, writing, speak-
ing, and listening. In short, refining your critical thinking skills can enhance just
about any area of your life.

How does one become a critical thinker? Like any skill we develop, it will

take practice. Here are some strategies for you to begin with:

1. Keep an open mind. Allow yourself to consider new ideas, beliefs, and ways
of doing things. Be able to say, "I don't know. Let me think about it."

Allow yourself to be surprised by a new idea or a unique way of thinking

about an issue.
2. Keep yourself curious. Allow yourself to probe, to wonder, and to play with
ideas. Look for as many sides to a question as you can.

3. Be willing to change your mind. Staying locked into a way of thinking with-
out evaluating it shortchanges you and keeps you from considering other
possibilities.
 STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL 137

4. Keep yourself intellectually careful. Evaluate information for errors, inaccura-

cies, and biased thinking. Consider whether the information is coming from
a source that could be biased or have a vested interest.

5. Keep yourself ready to see multiple causes. It can be tempting to simplify ideas,

butmanv times this causes us to miss important information. Look for as

many possible reasons for a behavior or an event as you can.

6. Keep yourself optimistic. Learning a new skill takes time and patience. Know
this,and allow vourself the time and opportunity to grow. As you develop
vour skills in thinking critically you expand your knowledge of the world
and build vour confidence.

r critical thinking skill

As a
development

student of self-esteem, you are no doubt aware that the concept of self-
EXERCISE

esteem has You may even have encountered some skepticism or even
its critics.

negative comments from friends and family who have seen you earning this book
around. Don't allow yourself to become defensive when this happens. Anytime
ideas are challenged, we gain the opportunity for critical thinking.

PURPOSE
To develop your critical thinking skills.

To review what you have learned so far about the complex nature of self-esteem.

INSTRUCTIONS
Using your critical thinking skills, respond to the following criticisms of self-

esteem found in the media.

1. The focus on self-esteem means our schools are "dumbed down." As a

result of the self-esteem movement, it has become more important that our
students feel good about themselves than that thev achieve in school. 4

2. Self-esteem can be acquired by repeating affirmations."

3. The concept of self-esteem is faulty because research tells us that juvenile

delinquents and criminals have high self-esteem. 6

4. Self-esteem is a problem because it teaches being special and superior.

5. "Sell-esteem teaches the nonsense that if you quack like a duck then you
become a duck. Self-esteem teaches this by teaching that you are your
 .
.

138 CHAPTER 8

REFLECTIONS
How did you feel when you were able to respond logically and non-defensively
to these criticisms? What answer would you give to someone who asks you, "How
can studying self-esteem help me?" How can critical thinking help you in school
and in life?

A ummary
V ^ The strategies presented in this chapter are geared specifically for the col-
lege setting. Personality type from the core circle is linked to management of
time, and the willingness to take risks and be assertive can help you connect with
campus resources. Learning about multiple intelligences opens our minds and
creates confidence in our capabilities.
The importance of becoming involved and making connections cannot be
overemphasized. Students who feel they belong to the college environment are
more likely to reach their educational goals. Competency and self-esteem rise as
isolation decreases. Support groups, or even one instructor and one study part-
ner, mav make the difference in your success at school.

NOTES
1 Howard Gardner, Intelligences Reframed (New York: Basic Books, 1993), p. 34.

2. Alexander Astin, What Matters in College? (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass,

1993), pp. 398^104.

3 Elsie Smith, "Ethnic Identity Development: Toward the Development of a

Theory Within the Context of Majority/Minority Status," Journal of
Counseling and Development 70 (Sept./Oct. 1991): p. 184.

4. John Leo, "Damn, I'm Good," U.S. News & World Report, May 18, 1998, p. 1.

5. Leo.
6. Kirk Johnson, "Self-Image Is Suffering from Lack of Esteem," The New
York Times, May 15, 1998, p. B12.
7. Kevin FitzMaurice, "12 Reasons Self-Esteem Subverts," http://www.kevm
fitzmaurice.com.

8. FitzMaurice.
 uccess at Hand

What discoveries have you made about yourself?

How can you maintain the changes?

How can you identify additional goals for your growth?

How can you plan for the next steps in the re-entry process?

In this book we have looked at the many facets of self-esteem.

We have seen that self-esteem is a unique internal self-rating

that determines what we believe we can accomplish. Self-

esteem begins to develop from the messages we receive in

our formative years. How others treat us and our perceptions

of that treatment also contribute to our self-rating and the

value we place on others' treatment and opinions. Our accom-

plishments and successes also play a part in our self-definition.
Strategies and factors such as assertiveness, comfort with cul-

tural differences, and the presence of role models help to

maintain or enhance self-esteem. We have looked at the symp-
toms of low self-esteem, the potential these symptoms have
for sabotaging our success, and how we can raise self-esteem.

Now we can summarize what we have learned about ourselves

and decide how we will use this information.

139
 ..

140 CHAPTER 9

1 identifying sources, symptoms, strategies, and goals

PURPOSE
To help you sum up what you have learned about the sources of your self-
esteem, symptoms of self-esteem, and strategies to raise your self-esteem,
including goal-setting.

INSTRUCTIONS
Answer the following (you may wish to review Chapters One to Six first):

I. Sources:

A. Inner circle: Inborn preferences

1. My four-letter personality type is:

2. The implications of this type for my self-esteem are:

B. Second circle: Family messages

1. Important messages learned from my lifescript are:
2 In regard to family messages, I now know that:

3 In regard to family values, I now know that:

4. Birth order affects me by:

5. The implications of this information for my school performance

are:

C. Third circle: Messages from the immediate environment

1. Messages I received from the school environment were:

2. Messages I received about myself as a learner were:

3. Conclusions I made regarding these messages were:

D. Fourth circle: Impact of the outer world

1. Messages I received from the outer world regarding myself were:

2. These messages affected me by:

3. The media can influence my self-esteem by:

E. Self-esteem and higher education

1 Regarding my self-esteem and higher education, I now know that:

2. I can use this information to my advantage by:

II. Symptoms
A. In regard to myself and symptoms of low self-esteem, I now know that:
 SUCCESS AT HAND 141

B. I have identified these four symptoms of low self-esteem to target for

improvement:
1.

2.

3.

4.

C. These symptoms affect my behavior by:

D. To help mvself succeed in school, I need to alter the following beliefs:

E. To ensure my success in school, the most important thing I still need

to remind myself of is:

TTT. Strategies (you may wish to review Chapters Seven and Eight):

A. Two strategies I will use immediately to raise my self-esteem are:

1.

2.

B. Two more strategies I will add after I am comfortable with 1 and 2

above are:

1.

2.

IV Setting goals

A. A goal regarding my education that I will accomplish in the next

week is:

B. A goal regarding my education that I will accomplish in the next

month is:

C. A goal regarding my education that I will accomplish in the next six

months is:

REFLECTIONS
From you should have a clearer picture of your own self-esteem:
this exercise

where came from, how it developed, what values it incorporates, and what con-
it

clusions you reached regarding yourself and your capabilities. You also can see
how self-esteem affects your school performance and potential. Best of all, you
now have an individual prescription and plan of action for raising your self-esteem.

Variation: If you are using this exercise in a class or workshop, exchange your
responses in small groups or with the class as a whole.
142 CHAPTER 9

reassessing life areat

PURPOSE
To review your self-esteem ratings based on what you have learned so far.

INSTRUCTIONS
After thinking about what you have learned concerning yourself and your self-
esteem, rate yourself on the dimensions listed below. When you have finished,
turn back to the self-esteem assessment you completed in Chapter One, Exercise
1.1. Compare your ratings then and now. WTiat changes have you made? What
goals do you still wish to set for yourself?

THE DIMENSIONS OF SELF-ESTEEM

Academic Performance

LOW '.'E2 „v HIGH

Work Performance

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

Intelligence

LOW '.'ED _/.' HIGH

Sociability

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

Family Relationships

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

Love Relationships

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

 SUCCESS AT HAND 143

Physical Self

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

Emotional Self

LOW MEDIUM

Other Dimensions (specify)

LOW MEDIUM HIGH

REFLECTIONS
WTiat changes do you see as a result of your efforts so far? What goals do you wish
to set next? Complete this sentence: I feel good about my progress in the follow-
ing area(s):

he Nature of Change
_i As we pointed out in Chapter One, your self-esteem may fluctuate
depending on external life changes and internal emotional upheaval. It can fluc-
tuate from week to week and even day to day at times. Even though you have
taken great strides in feeling better about yourself, you still may feel shaky and
need a refresher course from time to time. You probably will want to read certain
chapters of this book again to bolster your self-esteem. Some discussions in this
book will be more useful than others at certain times in your life. Your needs will

change. As you gain strength in some areas, you will be ready to work on areas
thatwere a lower priority when you began this book.
Even after you have gained some understanding about yourself and made
some positive strides, your task is not over. Looking at the nature of change will
be helpful. Humans tend to resist change, even when the new behavior is benefi-
cial in the long run. The familiar seems safe, so we cling to it. Change is a slow
 .

144 CHAPTER 9

process for most of us, and self-understanding is only a beginning. You need to
know that the old fears and behaviors that got in your way in the past developed
slowly, soyou should not expect them to disappear overnight. At times the old
messages about yourself seem strong, reactivating your self-doubt. You may even
observe yourself backsliding. Here are some things you can do to strengthen your
new behaviors and attitudes:

1. Seek support. Appeal to your family, friends, fellow students, counselors,

teachers, and advisors. The stronger your support system is, the more likely

you will be able to maintain changes you have made.

2. Surround yourself with positive people who believe in your success. One of the best
\\ ays to have a positive attitude is tohang out with like-minded people.
Optimism is contagious.

3 Review the personal strategies (Chapter Seven) and the school success strategies
(Chapter Eight) in this book. Use the information to make the most of your
educational experience.

4. Keep a journal. \\ rite about your successes, hopes, fears, and dreams. This
can be a personal support system as well as a place to record your growth.

5. Make connections at school. Find a counselor or advisor with whom you feel

comfortable. Alake this person your guide, mentor, and sounding board.
Having a consistent source of advice and information gives you a strong
base of support.

6. Find a role ?nodel. Look for someone who embodies the qualities you are
striving for, and hold that person up as a model. Keep in mind your own
special qualities as well as those of your role model.
7. Take care of yourself. To help you maintain your new behaviors and attitudes,
you need to be at your physical and spiritual best. Develop your spiritual
self, however you define it. Take a fitness class; learn about nutrition; do

something to keep your body healthy along with your mind.

8. Celebrate your pivgress. Every small step is important and worthy of acknowl-
edgment.

"
xtra Support in Developing Self-Esteem
V— As you read this book and completed the exercises, certain issues may have
surfaced that surprised you, either by their intensity or by the discomfort you felt.

Most of us have past or present experiences that are painful and troubling.
Perhaps you are questioning whether to seek more help in dealing with these
issues. You may wish to talk to a professional counselor or therapist if:
 SUCCESS AT HAND 145

• You find yourself depressed, obsessing about the past, constantly angry, or
blaming others for your difficulties.

• You find that some sections of this book stirred up old memories that
caused you extreme emotional pain and you now have difficulty moving on.
• You could use additional help and encouragement in putting the strategies

presented in this book into actual practice.

• You get feedback from others that tells you to work on some aspect of your
personal life. Maybe you are having trouble getting along with your fellow
students, teachers, or co-workers, or are exhibiting behaviors (such as per-
fectionism, procrastination, eating disorders, self-doubt) that get in the way
of your success.
• You simply want to live your life in the most productive way possible and
want some assistance in doing so.

If you have any of the above needs, you may wish to find professional help.
The help you seek and choose will vary with your belief system and personal
needs. Some people look to a religious or spiritual leader for help and guidance.
Others seek out a professional counselor or therapist. If you are having difficulty
deciding where to start your search, speak with a counselor at your school to dis-

cuss the various options open to you. You are important. You have made a
conscious decision to better your life. Seek out the help you need.

ongratulations!
Attending school is a major You deserve a round of applause
life event.
for taking this positive step. You can and Those of you returning to
will succeed.

school after an absence will soon learn that your life experience can give you an
edge over first-time students. You bring with you the wisdom accumulated in the
years you were out of school, a clear sense of priorities because you are a bit older,
and the determination to succeed. You, too, will succeed!
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Academic: Beauty, media definition of, 61
advising, 131 Birth order. 9. 5 "-41
connections. 128-129 assessing effects of. 40-41
Admissions. 152 characteristics. 39—K)
Adults returning to school, xi-xiii Blaming language. 100
Affirmations, 106-108 Bodily-kinesthetic intelligence. 125
Alcoholism, 28 Body language, 98
Anxiety, math. 51-52 Breathing, for stress relief. 104-105
Assertiveness. 95-103 Bnggs. Katharine, 14
assumptions about. 96- ^~ (

barriers to, 98-99 Camera check, 90

practicing, 101-103 Career and job placement. 1 52
rights to, 99-100 Catastrophizing, 84
styles of. 100 Change, nature of. 143-144
success in school and. 115-116 Changing times, xi-xiii
Assessment: Circle model, 1,8-11. 141
of birth order effects, 40-41 core circle. 13-26. 141
of life areas, 6-8 fourth circle of. 57-70, 141
of personality, 15—20 illustration, 9. 10
of study skills. 117-119 second circle. 27-41, 141
of support systems. 122-123 third circle. 43-55. 141
Attention deficit hyperactivity disor- Class size, influence of, 111 5
der (ADHD )'.
50 Classroom:
Awful izing. 84 influence. 9
interactions. 46-48
Barriers: CLEP. 132
faulty" language. 93-95 Co-dependency. "5
internal, 88-95 College:
mistaken beliefs. 91 Level Examination Program. 132
self-talk. ^)-91
(
nontraditional students and. xi-xiii

the MOANS, 91-92 self-esteem and. xhi-xv

to assertive behavior, 98-99 Communication, assertiveness and.
victim mentahtv. 92—93 115
153
 1

154 INDEX

Competence, 5-6 Family:

Compliments, 102 as second circle, 8

Confidence': dysfunctional, 28
lack of, 4 educational messages and, 31-35
school, 124-127 influence on self-esteem, 27-42
Connecting to others, 128-130 messages, 27-31
Core circle, 8, 13-26, 141 role models, 31-34
Counseling, 130-131 Faulty language, 93-95
Critical thinking, 136-138 Fears, 51-52
Culture: dissecting your, 84—86
personality and, 21-22 Feeling type, 18, 23
support for education and, 35-37 Feelings, identifying your, 101
Cultural: Financial aid, 1 3

myths, 52 First-born children, 37-41

values, 9, 57-59 Fourth circle, 57-70, 141
Curiousity, 136
Gardner, Howard, 123-124
Deafness, 62 Gender:
Decision making, 17-18 roles, 62-64
Dependency, 75 self-esteem and, 46-48
Depression, 28, 145 General self-esteem, 5

Directness, 96 Giving to others, 108-109

Disabilities, xii Global self-esteem, 5
resources for students with, 132 Goals:
self-esteem and, 49-50 risk-taking, 87-88
Displaced homemakers, xiii setting, 116-117
Growing up "different," 57-60
Economic changes, xii-xiii Guilt, 98
Education:
class size and, 44—15 Homemakers, displaced, xiii

cultural support for, 35-37 Honesty, 96

family messages and, 33-34
parental role models and, 31-35 Ignorance, 84
personality and, 22-25 "I" language, 100-101
self-esteem and, 6, 31-37 Immigrants, education and, 35-36
Encouragement, 80-81 Inborn preferences, 9, 13-26
Energy, flow of, 15-16 Information, taking in, 16-17
Ethnic identity development, 59-60 Inner circle, 8, 13-26, 141
Expectations, and language, 65-66 Intelligences, multiple, 123-127
Extraverts, 15-16, 22, 112 Internal barriers, 88-95 (see also

Barriers)
Failure, 84 Interpersonal intelligence, 125-126
 1 1 2

INDEX 155

In trapersonal intelligence, 126 Mentor, 129

Introverts, 15-16, 22, 112 Messages:
Intuitive, 16-17, 23 educational, 31-35
Isabel Briggs Myers, 14 family, 27-31
from outer circle, 64-65
Job loss, xii-xiii nonverbal, 29
Job placement, 132 Middle children, 37-41
Journal keeping, 144 Minority status, 46-48, 57-62
Judging type, 19-20, 23 MOANS, 91-92, 104
Jung, Carl, 10, 14 Motivation, 134-136
Multiple intelligences, 123-127
Language: Musical intelligence, 124
body, 98 Myers-Briggs Type Indicator®, 14
expectations and, 65-66
faulty, 93-95 Naturalistic intelligence, 127
"I," 1 00-101 Negotiation, 115-116
victim or blaming, 100 Nontraditional students, xi-xiii

Layoffs, xii-xiii Nonverbal messages, 29

Learning:
personality and, 22-25 Opinions, 102
skills center, 1 3 Outer circle, messages from, 64-65
styles of, 45—16
Lenses, special, 90 Parents, as educational role models,
Life areas: 31-35
assessing, 6-8 Peer group, 9
reassessing, 142-143 influence of, 44-45
Life, events, 5 Perceiving type, 19-20, 23
Lifescript, 29-31 Perfection, desire for, 52
Lifestyle, 19-20, 29 Perfectionism, 52, 74, 84, 113-1 15
Linguistic intelligence, 126 Personal connections, 129-130
Logical-mathematical intelligence, Personality types, 14-25
127 culture and, 21-22
learning and, 22-25
Magazine, media awareness and, teacher preferences, 45-46
67-68 time management and, 1 1

Maslow, Abraham, 22 Positivism, realistic, 93

Math anxiety, 5 Preferences, personality, 22-25
Media: Prejudice, 60
awareness, 66-68 Pride, 98
cultural values and, 9 Priorities, 113-114
stereotypes, 61-62 Procrastination, 74, 112-113
Memories, and self, 29 Progress, celebrating your, 144
 1

156 INDEX

Questions, asking, 102 birth order and, 37-41

change and, 143-144
Race, 46-48 circle model and, 1, 8-11, 141
Reading, family values and, 34-35 classroom interactions and, 46-48
Realistic positivism, 93 confidence and, 4, 5

Records, college, 132 core circle and, 13-26

Re-entry students, xi-xiii cultures and, 21-22
Religion, circle model and, 10 defined, xi, 4
Resources: development of, 3-1
campus, 130-134 dimensions of, 7-8, 142-143
personal connections, 128-130 disabilities and, 49-50
study skills, 117-121 educational messages and, 31-37
Respectfulness, 96 enhancing, 6
Rights, assertive,99-100 ethnic identity development and,
Risk, inventory, 86-87 59-60
Risk-taking/risking, 83-88 ethnic status and, 57-60
barriers to, 84 family messages and, 27-42
goals for, 87-88 gender and, 46-48
Role models, family, 31-34 gender-role socialization and,
62-64
Saying no, 103 general or global, 5
School: giving to others and, 108-109
as second circle, 9 goals, 141
confidence through multiple intelli- influence of fourth circle, 57-70
gences, 124-127 internal barriers and, 88-95
influence on self-esteem, 1 1-18 language and, 65-66
performance and birth order, learning styles and, 45-46
37-41 life events and, 5
returning to, xi-xiii likelihood of change, 4
strategies for success in, 111-138 media awareness and, 66-68
(see also Strategies for success in minority status and, 46-48
school) mistaken beliefs and, 91
Script, life, 29-31 motivation and, 134-136
Second circle, 9, 27-41, 141 nature of, 4-8
Self-acceptance, 4 personality' and, 14-26
Self-esteem: prejudice/stereotypes and, 60
ABC model of esteem thinking, risk-taking and, 83-88
8-90 school influences on, 44-48
affirmations and, 106-108 second circle and, 9, 27—11, 141
as source of support, 144-145 self-examination of, 76-79
as student, xiii-xv sources of, 1-70, 140
assertiveness and, 95-103 spotting high, 75-76
 ,

INDEX 157

spotting low, 75-76 thought-stopping, 104, 107

strategies for developing, 83-110, Strategies for success in school,
141 (see also Strategies for devel- 111-138
oping self-esteem) 115-116
assertiveness,
stress and, 103-108 campus resources and, 130-134
success in school and, 111-138 developing critical thinking,

(see also Strategies for success 136-138

in school) developing study skills and,
symptoms of low, 71, 73-81 117-121
symptoms of, 140-141 developing support systems,
teacher personality preferences 121-123, 128-130
and, 45-46 lettinggo of perfectionism,
victim mentality and, 92-93 114-115
Self-: maintaining motivation, 134-136
evaluation, 4 setting goals and, 116-117
examination, 76-79 time management, 1 1 1-117
talk, as habit, 90-91 Stress, relieving, 103-108
Sensing, 16-17, 23 Stressor, 103
Services, connecting with, 130-134 Students:
Sexual abuse, 28 activities, 131
Skills: changing, xi-xiii

critical thinking, 136-138 first-generation, 37

study, 117-121 learning styles of, 45-46
Socialization, gender and, 62-64 nontraditional, xi-xiii

Society, as outer circle, 9 with disabilities, xii

Sources of self-esteem, 1-70, 140 Study:

Spatial intelligence, 125 skills, 117-121
Status quo, maintaining, 84 time, 119-121
Stereotypes, 9, 52, 60 Success, 139-145
media, 61-62 Support, 144-145
Strategies for developing self-esteem, /systems, 121-123, 128-130
83-110 Symptoms of low self-esteem, 7 1

ABC model of esteem thinking, 73-81, 140-141

88-90
affirmations, 106-108 Teacher influence, 9
assertiveness, 95-103 Teachers, personality preferences of,

breathing, 104-105 45^+6

connecting with others, 128-130 Television:
giving to others, 108-109 media awareness and, 66-67
relieving stress, 103-108 stereotypes and, 57-58, 61-62
removing internal barriers, 88-95 Thinking type, 18, 23
83-88
risk-taking, Third circle, 43-55, 141
158 INDEX

impact of, 52-53 educational, 9

Thought-stopping, 104, 107-108 family, 34-35
Time management, 111-11" Victim:
Times, changing, xi-xiii language, 100
Transactional analysis (TA), 29 mentality, 92-93
Tutoring, 131-132 Msualization, 106
Types, personality-, 14-25 {see also

Personality types) Worthiness, 5

Values: Youngest children, 3 "—11

cultural, 9, 57-59 Youthfulness, media and, 61
 BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY

3 9999 04370 431 9

BAKER & TAYLOR

 Building Third Edition

Bonnie Golden
Self-Esteem
Strategies for Success in School and Beyond
J.

Kay Lesh

Building Self-Esteem: Strategies for Success in School and Beyond

helps you develop the elements essential to positive self-esteem
by identifying:

• Sources: Use the unique "Circle Model" to reveal past and

present influences on the development of self-esteem,
helping you understand the sources of your self-image.
• Symptoms: Learn how to recognize where we manifest r
93
•Zti

and low self-esteem in our academic and personal lives.

• Strategies: Develop practical strategies to master the

challenges of academic life.

The third edition contains new and updated research on

self-esteem and college success. With a deeper understandinj
yourself, you can maximize your strengths
cngLiis anu
and minimize
niic yoi
yuur
weaknesses to make your school experience
perience as rewarding
rewarding as
possible.

Visit our Student Success Supersite at www.prenhall.com/success

Features include:
Majors Exploration
X
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Web Links
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