“Thank you, everybody. Well, thank you very much. It’s an honor. Tradition holds that I’m supposed to tell a few self-deprecating jokes this evening. So here it goes. Nope, I’ve got nothing. I’ve got nothing. There’s nothing to say.” “The Al Smith dinner provides a rare opportunity to set aside partisanship.” “Cool. Oh, sorry, sorry.” “Hey, what’s going on? Is there anything that you think that maybe I shouldn’t bring up tonight?” “Well, don’t lie. Thou shalt not bear false witness to thy neighbor.” “Indeed, especially thy neighbor’s election results.” “Just so you know, there will be a fact checker there tonight.” “That’s great. Who?” “Jesus.” “I understand the real reason that she’s not here is she’s hunting with her running mate, spending a lot of time hunting. It’s a weird, weird, weird, weird. You know the word weird? They call me weird. They call JD weird. We’re very solid people. This guy is calling us weird. But this was weird that the Democrat candidate is not here with us tonight.” “Of course, Joe Biden was our second Catholic president, right, after J.F.K. President Biden couldn’t be here tonight. The D.N.C. made sure of that.”