Mums and daughters so close they can’t cope when it’s time for university: The teens who found their homesickness unbearable

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The car was silent, save for stifled sobs. As they drove along the motorway towards London, both Ruth Mills, 50, and her 19-year-old daughter Elspeth shook with grief and emotion.

The reason? Elspeth was off to university. And neither she nor her mother could bear the thought of being parted.

Indeed, Ruth was almost more traumatised than Elspeth on that drive from their home in Staplehurst, Kent. 

Tough love: Ruth Mills, 50, and 19-year-old daughter Elspeth struggled to be apart when Elspeth was at university. The pair were in tears as they separated so that Elsepth could go to London’s University of the Arts

As her husband, church moderator Andrew, 53, drove on, Ruth felt her daughter was slipping away from her for ever. She tried to think positively: ‘Elspeth and I were in tears but I knew this was a good opportunity for her.’

Elspeth’s opportunity would, sadly, not end well. She started her degree in costume interpretation at London’s University of the Arts in September 2012, but almost immediately suffered from extreme homesickness that would render her a virtual recluse.

She had panic attacks and, a week before the end of her first term, she quit.

Her mother, too, was wretched - feelings made even worse when it became apparent how badly Elspeth was coping. ‘Leaving Elspeth at university was horrendous, but knowing she was struggling was even worse,’ says Ruth.

Recent research revealed the number of students seeking help for depression has more than doubled in the past five years, with experts warning that homesickness is part of this worrying trend.

‘I am being referred increasing numbers of homesick students who are frequently suicidal,’ says consultant psychiatrist Dr Richard Bowskill of Priory’s Brighton and Hove Hospital.

Elspeth, from Staplehurst, Kent, had panic attacks and, a week before the end of her first term, she quit

But behind every homesick teenager, there’s almost certainly an anxious mother, as Dr Bowskill describes. ‘The parents [of homesick students] not only have empty-nest syndrome to contend with, but the fear their child isn’t going to do as well as they’d hoped.’

So what’s causing this generation of youngsters to suffer this way? Some believe parents are only reaping what they’ve sown.

Last month, Jenny Brown, headmistress of St Alban’s High School for Girls in Hertfordshire, warned against ‘BFF mums’ - or ‘Best Friends Forever Mums’. She spoke of mothers who had unhealthily close relationships with their children, making the youngsters terrified of being independent.

Research revealed the number of students seeking help for depression has more than doubled in past years, with experts and homesickness is part of this trend. Above, Elspeth Mills, left with her uni friends in London.

‘When some universities provide beds for parents to stay during exam time, and when daily Skype calls home and essays emailed for parental “editing” before submission are routine practices, you realise that what we have grown here is Generation D - for Dependent,’ she said.

Ruth confesses she had an unusually close bond with Elspeth, triggered by an emotional breakdown that she had when her daughter was 13.

‘Elspeth, the second youngest of my four daughters, seemed to understand me more than the others,’ says Ruth. ‘When people were frustrated with me she’d stand up for me. If I retreated to my bedroom she’d come and cuddle me.’

Elspeth, too, admits she is at her happiest surrounded by her close-knit family. ‘I was terrified of leaving home,’ she says.

At university, Elspeth felt at sea. ‘After a couple of weeks I felt trapped, longing to snuggle on the sofa with Mum.’

She retreated to her room in the halls of residence. Within a month she was calling her mum in tears several times a week and taking the train home most weekends.

‘Hearing her cry on the phone was heartbreaking and I’d give her a huge hug when I picked her up,’ says Ruth.

Dr Bowskill says there is nothing wrong with providing an ear on the phone or a home to visit: ‘Parents should ask themselves if their child is going through a normal adjustment, or whether they are they missing classes, becoming withdrawn and struggling to function. If it’s the latter, they need support.’

Despite her mother’s best efforts, Elspeth’s mental health deteriorated: ‘I stopped going to lectures as I was too scared to see anyone,’ she recalls.

By November she was suffering from panic attacks. She quit during the penultimate week of term ‘I felt a combination of relief and failure,’ she says.

Ruth picked her up that weekend: ‘I told Elspeth she hadn’t failed - she was brave to admit she wasn’t coping.’

Mum, Heather Jay and her daughter, Michaela also struggled with separation issues. The 21-year-old began a psychology degree at Nottingham University in September 2012 but was soon hit by homesickness

Nonetheless, Elspeth spiralled into depression and her GP prescribed anti-depressants. Then she found a job as a sales assistant and reapplied to start university in September 2013, this time at Bath in the hope that a smaller town would feel less intimidating.

Thankfully, she weaned herself off her reliance on her mother by speaking to her for one 90-minute-long phone call a week and planning monthly trips home.

Now 23, she is in the final year of her textiles degree: ‘I still miss Mum, but Bath is a better environment for me and I’m stronger.’

Ruth, meanwhile, feels remorse. ‘I feel a massive sense of guilt that my own problems contributed to her homesickness,’ she admits. ‘I still struggle every time I leave Elspeth, but thankfully our relationship has subtly shifted.’

In contrast, Deborah Hughes encouraged daughter Hope, 19, to take up a politics and history degree at Exeter University last year.

Deborah, 43, an administrative assistant who split with Hope’s father 11 years ago, says: ‘I hadn’t gone to university and told Hope not to end up like me.’

Hope, a straight-A student, was similarly enthusiastic. ‘I wanted to leave home and make my own decisions,’ she says.

But, when the moment came for mother and daughter to part, there were high emotions. ‘Saying goodbye to her for the first time was awful,’ confesses Deborah, who lives in Coventry.

It was only after Hope left that Deborah truly acknowledged how close they were. Indeed, Hope had been pivotal in helping Deborah through the separation from her father. Deborah says: ‘After her father and I separated, Hope and I did everything together. We were mother and daughter, but friends as well.’

 Always close to her daughter, above, mother Heather had been nervous about her leaving home

As the eldest of three siblings - Deborah has two sons: James, 13, and Ewan, 16 - she says Hope also took on additional responsibility at home. ‘At times she would tell the boys off more than I would. It was a bit of a role reversal, which made it harder for me when she went off to university.’

For the first term Hope had fun. It was only when she returned after the holidays in January that homesickness hit.

She called Deborah every day, but kept her homesickness to herself. She even investigated transferring to Birmingham University to be nearer home. ‘I was on the brink of quitting, but told myself I should stick it out.’

Then, a month later, Deborah and Hope’s two younger brothers came to visit.

‘We had such a wonderful time that after they left I was distraught,’ says Hope.

She called Deborah in floods of tears minutes after they left. ‘I finally admitted I was homesick and begged for them to come back and stay the night,’ says Hope.

As Deborah turned the car around she burst into tears, too: ‘I hadn’t suspected a thing.’

As the scale of her daughter’s unhappiness became clear, Deborah thought of solutions. ‘I considered moving to Exeter, but with two boys at school in Coventry it was wholly unpractical.’

In the event, new friendships turned her daughter’s fortunes around. ‘By the end of the year I’d bonded with a group of girls and told them how I felt. I realised they got homesick too,’ says Hope.

Now in her second year, she shares a flat with three close friends. And Deborah? ‘I’m proud of Hope. But I’m lonely without her,’ she admits.

However, despite growing anxious and losing her appetite, Michaela, above at her graduation, bottled up her homesickness. It was only after three weeks, when Heather visited, that Michaela admitted she was struggling

For other students, tough love has proved to be an efficient cure for homesickness, as Heather Jay, a 52-year-old baker, found with her daughter, Michaela.

The 21-year-old began a psychology degree at Nottingham University in September 2012 but was soon hit by homesickness.

‘I lost my way a bit, and I found myself spending daytimes and evenings on my own, pining for my parents’ company,’ she says.

Always close to her daughter, Heather had been nervous about her leaving home. And so, despite growing anxious and losing her appetite, Michaela bottled up her homesickness.

‘I didn’t want to upset Mum. Plus I barely wanted to admit I was homesick to myself,’ she says.

It was only after three weeks, when Heather visited from London, that Michaela admitted she was struggling, bursting into tears as she said she wanted to quit.

However Michaela's father told her to stick it out. As it was, Michaela grew to love university, helped by thrice-weekly phone calls from her mum. Now a sales analyst, she finished her degree this summer

Heather’s reaction was to allow her to give up. But her husband Robert, 52, a granite manufacturer, had a very different cure.

‘Dad said I needed to stick it out,’ says Michaela. ‘His was tough love, but I would have gone home without it.’

As it was, Michaela grew to love university, helped by thrice-weekly phone calls from her mum.

Now a sales analyst, she finished her degree this summer.

‘Watching Michaela in her graduation gown filled me with pride,’ says Heather. ‘I’m so glad she didn’t give up.’