News reaches me that Tim Martin, boss of mega-pub-chain Wetherspoons, has issued beer mats to persuade his drinkers to vote to leave the EU. This breaks one of the all-time golden rules of pubs: never talk about politics.
But when it comes to something as monumental as the issue of remaining or leaving the EU, I have to step out from behind the pumps, roll up my shortsleeved shirtsleeves and get involved. After all, it’s beyond politics. This Brexit business is the most burning issue, because it’s about what sort of country we want to live in, and what we want to do about our horrible neighbours.
Mr Martin’s move is bold. If, as they say, the medium is the message, then the message is don’t ruin the woodwork with nasty moisture staining.
These beer mats of his go into detail about the IMF. Unbelievable. Never has a beer mat like this been seen before. The thing is, though, Wetherspoons customers are exactly the sort of people who will be susceptible to this line of argument: they are in these places because they are thrifty, they watch their spending. Add to that the fact that any regular pub drinker is imbibing the world’s greatest problem-solving solution – booze – then perhaps the IMF would be better to shut up shop and hand over to my regulars, Steve, Steve, Alan and Steve. With six pints inside him, there’s nothing Steve can’t solve. Not that Steve, the other one.
One thing Mr Martin’s beer mat says is that no one voted for the IMF. Now, I don’t want to be a picky git, but no one voted for him either. Whereas I have – thanks to the voters of Thanet South – 318 votes in my democratic quiver.
So, how to discuss the EU?
Before we go any further, I’d like to make it clear that I will not be mentioning Hitler. Like any true Brit, I like banging on about Hitler as much as the next man – I have the Dambusters theme as my normal ringtone, Great Escape for the ex, obviously. I also realise that everyone is at it, even some top Labour people; I mean, you can’t get a straight answer on anything from anyone left or right these days without someone mentioning Hitler. But despite mentioning Hitler being the up-to-date way of doing politics, I’m not convinced that saying the EU is just like Hitler is really the best way of comparing the EU and Hitler, or Hitler with the EU. We’ve reached what you might call Peak Hitler. So, in summary: Hitler? Hitler. And for balance – it’s the Guardian, after all: Stalin.
Anyway ... the moment has arrived, a full 41 years after the last moment arrived, for the UK to make up its mind about the EU. Or the EC. Or the EEC. Or the Common Market. Or whatever it’s called currently. I can’t keep up, and neither can you.
That’s the main thing, they keep changing the name. That in itself is annoying. It’s like when the pub you drink in keeps being renamed and refitted and spends an inexplicable three and a half years being called the Birdcage. The EU is like a pub that used to have sticky floors and never served food that’s now doing olives on the bar. Olives on credit, the worst kind. It’s a boozer that’s gone gastro, where they expect you to play Scrabble and drink microbeer, whatever that is. Is that what we signed up to in 1975? I think not.
But the actual problem for you and me – the ordinary voter – is that we have both sides going full on Project Fear. In fact, Project Fear doesn’t do it justice: Project ArmageddonHitler!We’refullup would be a better name. So, in keeping with that, I’ve done some beer mats of my own for you, to reflect the high standard of argument on offer right now.
The Pub Landlord tours his new show, Let’s Go Backwards Together, from September, thepublandlord.com.
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