It's time to stop doing yourself down! Women are terrible at minimising themselves, says this top psychotherapist. Here's how to be MUCH more confident in 2025
Being humble is often seen as a positive trait. But what happens when this likeable characteristic goes too far?
As women, we are conditioned to always present ourselves as lesser, playing down our achievements and shrinking our personalities so that we take up less space in the world.
Many of us don't even realise we're doing it. But the truth is, this self-minimising behaviour stems from fear.
When we deliberately diminish ourselves, we are trying to control how other people feel about us – to prevent them from experiencing jealousy over our accomplishments or from being annoyed by our opinions.
We're scared that, when faced with the unedited, authentic version of ourselves, people might stop liking us.
But when you reduce yourself to others, you unwittingly help them to overlook your talents, invalidate your feelings and ignore your needs.
In other words, you end up abandoning yourself - which only leaves more room for those unafraid of taking up space to thrive in your place.
As a psychotherapist, I work with countless people who habitually minimise themselves, leaving them with eroded self-esteem, a harsh inner critic and low self-confidence.
As a psychotherapist, I work with countless people who habitually minimise themselves, writes ANNA MATHUR
Now, I want to help you to recognise the signs that you're self-minimising - and show you how you can stop, in order to lead a happier, more fulfilling life.
You lie about your success
You're catching up with a friend who is interested to know about your work, or your home life. Maybe you've recently had a promotion, or have just got back from a lovely holiday, but you don't want to come across as 'bragging' in case things aren't going as well for them.
So you keep any good news to yourself.
You might think you're protecting the other person from feelings of jealousy or disappointment, but this is just your own fragility dressed up altruism.
You're trying to shield yourself from being on the receiving end of their negativity, from seeming 'too much' in their eyes.
In this situation, remind yourself that other people are perfectly capable of withstanding any difficult feelings your successes might elicit.
And if they're not, then perhaps you should consider pulling back from them altogether. True friends can celebrate your successes as well as commiserating over your losses.
When you're next given an opportunity to share a piece of good news, try being honest. You don't have to wax lyrical, but state the fact along with an associated feeling, so that you signal you're simply sharing pleasant news rather than bragging. So, for example: 'We had such a lovely holiday, I feel really refreshed' or 'I got that promotion I'd been working towards, I feel like my hard work has paid off'.
Think about how nice it can feel from your own perspective to hear a friend's good news and to share in their joy.
You keep your opinions to yourself
It can be difficult to challenge someone when they spout an opinion that's diametrically opposed to your own, especially when the issue is personal. Stepping back, staying quiet, perhaps even nodding along in faux agreement, can feel like the safest option.
Of course, it's good sometimes to hold back and be respectful of the fact that people think differently about things.
But it can also be an act of self-rejection. You're sending yourself the message that your true opinions don't matter, or are less important than others', which means you're even less likely to speak up in future. It's a vicious cycle.
I'm not saying you should pick an argument with the person you disagree with. Especially if you're in a professional situation, or you don't know the other person well.
But your beliefs still need validating; your inner voice still needs to be heard.
Next time you find yourself tempted to swallow down thoughts or opinions, see it as a challenge to be frank in a non-confrontational way. You might say something like: 'It's so interesting to hear your thoughts on this project, especially as I am approaching it from such a different angle', or 'I know that what you said was intended as a lighthearted joke, but if I'm honest, I found it quite hurtful'.
Even if you feel unable to express yourself in the moment, it's important that you can share these feelings rather than keeping them bottled up. Going over and over what happened in your head will only cause you more upset.
Make sure you have two to three people in your life who you trust and feel safe being yourself with. After a disagreement with someone else, call one of them, or text, and share what just happened. Explain why it made you feel angry and what you wish you'd said in response.
The positive, supportive words you'll get back will build your self-esteem. That might also increase the chances of you expressing yourself more honestly next time.
You feel like an imposter
Do you ever look at a powerful, confident woman in a position of authority and feel convinced that she can't possibly doubt herself the way you do? Do you shrink in her presence and automatically bow to her supposed wisdom?
This is a mistake.
You might tell yourself she functions on some higher level that you are incapable of reaching. But the truth is, she has as many sides as you do – she just happens to be presenting the best version of herself right now. She almost certainly experiences Imposter Syndrome too - and recognising this can help you to replicate her confidence.
Remember, we get to see the different facets of who we are, but not other people: the crying wreck on a Sunday evening at the prospect of a difficult week at work; the exhausted mother shouting at her kids and feeling like a failure.
So next time you feel overshadowed, remind yourself it's possible to be a confident, competent speaker who is good at what they do and also experience those sorts of moments of fragility without one taking anything from the other.
You don't ask for what you need
You're sitting in a meeting that is coming to an end, and someone has just asked whether anyone has any final queries. You have a burning question, but now things are being wrapped up and you sense everyone is ready to go you don't want to hold people back from leaving. And so, you swallow it back down.
Or perhaps, you're hungry, there's one biscuit left on the plate and no one's taking it. And yet, instead of satisfying your need for something to eat, you just sit there looking at it because you don't want to be perceived as the 'greedy' person who took the last one for yourself.
Next time, take a deep breath before reminding yourself that you deserve to inhabit the space that you take up in this world; that you have the right to be heard and for your needs to be met.
So ask your question; so what if it takes up a bit more of people's time? Then reach across the table and take the last biscuit. Before someone else grabs it off the plate instead.
- As told to Rachel Halliwell
