REVEALED: The two simple little words that can help solve all your problems - from flaky friends to needy kids and bad bosses, this mantra is the only one you need...
We had just taken a couple of photos of my son and his friends in their school prom black tie when out of nowhere the heavens opened.
Wet weather hadn’t been forecast, so none of them had a coat or umbrella. This didn’t seem to faze the kids at all. But I was itching to intervene and when I overheard them talking about heading to a small taco place for dinner before the party, I just couldn’t help myself.
Like many mothers, I felt compelled to be the fixer. I started frantically searching for venues that might accommodate a late booking for 20.
But then my daughter pulled me aside and said, ‘Mum, if Oakley and his friends want to go to a taco bar before prom, let them.’
‘But it’s too small for all of them to fit in; they’re going to get soaked,’ I said.
‘Mum, let them get soaked. Let them show up to prom in wet tuxedos and dresses. Let them go eat where they want. It’s their prom. Not yours. Let them.’
Let your family life be something that isn't a fairytale
Author Mel Robbins says her Let Them Theory could transform your life
Let them
The effect of those two simple words was immediate. I could feel the tension dissipating; the stress of trying to control what was happening evaporated. Why did I have to manage this situation? Why not worry about what I was going to do for dinner tonight?
In the coming days, whenever I got worked up, I repeated those two words to myself. Each time the effect was the same.
Things that once bothered me just didn’t. The people who used to annoy me... just didn’t. Brain space once overflowing with worries, annoyances and drama was now available for more important things. It was liberating.
Let my family leave dishes in the sink. Let them be late to absolutely everything we go to. Let my mother-in-law disagree with my parenting.
Even my husband noticed: ‘You seem different.’ And the fact is, I felt different. I felt so good, I posted a 60-second video explaining my Let Them Theory on social media.
Over the past decade, I have enjoyed considerable success as a motivational speaker, podcaster and author but this really touched a nerve. Within 24 hours, more than 15million people had seen it. Within a week, 60million.
And that was just the beginning, because women began sending photographs of their ‘Let Them’ tattoos. I couldn’t believe it.
It was this that inspired me to research the Let Them Theory for my new book, speaking to leading experts in psychology, neuroscience, behavioural science and relationships along the way.
I had to understand why these two words had such an immediate, profound, and universal impact on so many people.
I also needed to find out what comes next. Saying Let Them allows you to detach yourself emotionally from a situation you can’t control.
But if you left it there, you would soon end up isolated and lonely. For this to be truly transformative, you need to take responsibility for your next move, for creating the life and the relationships you do want. I call this the Let Me side of the equation.
Here is how my Let Them Theory can transform your life...
Stop trying to change your other half
A good friend of mine is married to a guy who won’t take control of his health. She’s asked, pleaded, and even occasionally broken down in tears about it in front of him. It worries her a lot.
He has started diets and gone to the gym in spurts but nothing lasts. She continues to be mad he won’t change, and he’s annoyed that she won’t stop nagging.
If you’ve reached a stalemate like this, you need to say to yourself, Let Them.
People only change when they are ready. So stop punishing them for not changing on your timeline. It’s a waste of your time, stressing you out and, most importantly, driving a wedge between you.
Apologise for pressuring them, then ask open ended questions like, ‘How do you feel about your health?’ Next back off and model the change yourself – this is the Let Me part. You can’t expect your other half to eat more healthily, if you don’t.
By doing this, the Let Them Theory will help you unlock the power of positive influence. They will think it’s their idea to change and that is far more likely to work than the relentless nagging.
If they still don’t change then Let Them. Relinquish control and accept this is not about you.
Learn how to let go of friends
There are friends who are meant to be in your life for a season. And there are those who will be with you for life. When someone drifts away, or the energy feels off, do not make them your enemy – or try frantically to pin them down.
You can tell when a friendship is forced, and the energy is changing, because it starts to drain you. Conversations feel awkward. You’ll start to feel like something is off – trust that feeling.
I was devastated when I discovered a group of old friends had gone on a trip without me. At first, I felt that familiar swirl of emotions: rejection, insecurity and confusion.
The old me would have obsessed over this for days. I would have turned my friends into villains to make myself feel better.
It was only by saying ‘Let Them’ that I was able to rise above the hurt to analyse my own role in what happened. The Let Me in this situation was facing up to the fact I work too much and had not made the effort to keep in touch, so why would they invite me?
It was up to me to make an effort. I asked one friend if she wanted to come to a concert. I invited another over for a walk.
I also started texting old friends from university that I hadn’t seen in a decade or more. Now we stay in touch and when I’m in their city for work we go for dinner.
Accept your family for who they are
I no longer allow myself to get sucked into family dramas. The truth is you have limited time with your loved ones. So let your family life be something that isn’t a fairytale.
Your dad is not changing. Your mum is not changing. Your siblings aren’t changing. Your in-laws aren’t changing. The only person you can change is you.
When you say Let Them, you are seeing your family exactly as they are for the first time, perhaps. They are human. You have no control over what happened in your past with them. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward.
This is where the Let Me side of the equation comes into play. That might mean making an effort because you value your relationship, even when you know they won’t put the same love and care in. It’s about reclaiming your power to shape your future. Accept people as they are. Then decide how to make the best of it.
Don't give in to passive aggression
Is someone in your life giving you the silent treatment? This is what an immature adult does when they’re upset and they don’t know how to process their emotions in a healthy and respectful manner.
Just like a child pouting in a corner wants the parent to come over and soothe them, an adult that gives you the silent treatment wants your attention.
But it’s not your responsibility to manage their emotions or try to fix them. Let Them go silent. Let Them sulk. Let Them make it all about them.
Rather than pander to their moods, visualise an eight-year-old trapped inside their body. Do this and you will no longer feel scared of them. You’ll feel compassion instead of contempt.
Instead of taking the blame and apologising for behaviour that’s not your fault, acknowledge their upset and encourage them to talk to you.
Reclaim your power at work
Your manager has as much impact on your mental health as your partner. Office politics can be stressful, resulting in anxiety and low self-esteem.
What do you do, for example, if you’ve been doing a great job and your boss isn’t promoting you? You feel frustrated, discouraged and powerless. I’ve been there. But as overwhelming as this may be, you are not powerless.
You need to Let Them string you along. I know it’s tough to hear, but it’s true. Yes, it’s not fair. Yes, you earned this promotion. But who is responsible for your career? You are.
If your boss is not going to budge, then maybe it’s time to think about getting a new job or moving departments – this is the let me aspect of this situation.
It’s time to take control rather than letting the stress of being overlooked drag you down.
- The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins (Hay House, £22.99). © Mel Robbins 2024. To order a copy for £20.69 (offer valid to 25/01/25; UK P&P free on orders over £25) go to www.mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937.
