I found out my husband has a 'work wife' he didn't tell me about. Now, she's done something that made my skin crawl and friends are telling me it's over: SAUCY SECRETS
Dear Jana,
I've never been the jealous type and have always tried to give my partners their privacy when it comes to phones and stuff, but last week I went to my husband's work drinks and got a weird vibe from one of his female co-workers.
She was overly touchy-feely with him and spoke to him as if they were really tight, but he's rarely mentioned her to me. So I did something I swore I would never do: I went through his phone.
Of course I found a suspicious text from her. It wasn't outright cheating, but it was flirty enough to set off alarm bells. When I confronted him, he said it was 'just banter' and nothing to worry about.
The problem is, now I can't shake the feeling there might be more going on. He has been oddly protective of his phone lately, and has started working late more often.
I don't want to turn into the crazy, paranoid wife, but my gut is telling me something's not right.
My friends all say he's having an affair, but I'm torn. How do I find out if he's really cheating without pushing him away, or making myself look like I don't trust him?
Anonymous.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking offers some words of wisdom to a woman who was alarmed to learn her husband had a work wife whom he'd conveniently forgotten to mention (stock photo)
Dear Anonymous,
I'm going to say something that might ruffle a few feathers, but it's true: everyone needs a flirt buddy at work. The hours are long, and the work can be tedious... so why shouldn't we enjoy the occasional harmless ego-stroke in the break room?
(So long as it's just the ego being stroked!)
Do I think he's cheating? No. Do I think she might see it as more than casual flirting? Yes. Does he? Probably not. Are you following me here?
Stick with me, because I have a theory. It's as simple as this: sometimes we need a little reminder that someone outside of our relationship still finds us attractive. Yes, it's shallow. Yes, it's slightly disrespectful to our partners. But it's human nature. We are mere mortals who, every now and then, need to know we've still 'got it'.
A harmless flirt at work can give us that extra pep in our step. Yes, your husband may have crossed a line with the texting, but you know what shuts that down quickly? A good old-fashioned shouting match where you let him know you won't be sticking around should he step out of line.
And honestly, he'll probably getting a kick out of seeing you a bit jealous, especially if it isn't your usual vibe. Perhaps this is just the spark your marriage needed? Use the jealousy to up your game in the bedroom and bring a little passion back. I've always found it exciting to think someone else might find my guy attractive.
Yes, make it clear you won't stand for being disrespected, but why not also use this as an opportunity to reignite things? A little spark never hurt anyone.
Jana says a work wife usually isn't something to worry about, but says flirty texts outside of the workplace are a step too far
Dear Jana,
I've been married to my husband for 10 years, and while he's a good man and we get along, it feels like we've become more like roommates than a couple.
We talk about bills, the kids and what's for dinner, but that spark and sexual tension feels like a distant memory. We used to go at it like rabbits, in the car, on the kitchen floor, everywhere. Now, I'll be lucky if he jumps on top and grunts for three minutes - about once a month.
I miss the days when we couldn't wait to spend time together, when we'd dress up for dates and surprise each other just because. Now, it's like we're stuck in a cycle of routine and exhaustion. I want us to feel like a couple again, not just two people sharing a house.
How do we go back to those early days when it felt like we were dating? Is it even possible to reignite the spark after all these years, or is this just how marriage gets after a decade?
Hoping for some inspiration. Jaz.
Oh, Jaz.
I'm not going to lie, this is the one good thing about being perennially single: I get to enjoy the 'like rabbits' stage far more often than the 'meh, do you wanna?' stage.
Now, to your problem… I think the solution lies with you! Have you sent him a cheeky pic of your boobs in the middle of his workday? Or whispered something so naughty into his ear that he's counting down the seconds until he's home? How about giving 'edging' a go - you know, that thing where you're about to 'sit on it', but then you tease him and make him wait? Trust me, it's worth it!
Jana says the trick to reigniting a man's sex drive after he's settled into a routine is to send spicy texts or reminisce about steamy encounters from your past together
The man is only lasting three minutes because he's stuck in a routine. Shake things up! Blindfold him, leave a little trail of clues around the house, or pull him into the shower unexpectedly. Honestly, a bit of spontaneity can work wonders. Plus, I promise you'll enjoy the payoff just as much as he will.
Also, why not take a walk down memory lane? Subtly bring up a time when you had a naughty weekend, or a night that rocked both your worlds, and say something like, 'We should try that again,' or, 'Maybe we should put some time in the diary to reenact that?' Drop a cheeky thought like that in his brain and he'll be thinking about it all day.
Oh, and don't forget the art of a good tease. A lingering touch here, a saucy text there - it'll drive him wild. Sometimes all it takes is a little reminder of the fun, frisky side of your relationship. Take the reins, and let the games begin!
Dear Jana,
I've been dating this great guy for about six months now, and for the most part, things are going really well. I'm so attracted to him and he ticks all the boxes for what I want in a partner.
At the start, we waited a while before sleeping together, which I thought was sweet and respectful; he said he wanted to make sure we had a real connection first.
But now, I'm starting to wonder if there's more to it. Even after we became intimate, it feels like he's just… not that into it. We barely have sex, and when we do, it feels more like something on a checklist than something he's excited about. I've tried dropping hints and making the first move, but he doesn't seem interested.
I'm starting to worry he might be asexual or have a very low sex drive, and I'm not sure what to do. I really care about him, but physical intimacy is important to me, and I don't know how to bring this up without hurting him or making him feel like he's not enough. How do I approach this conversation? And if he is asexual, is there a way to make this relationship work?
Confused-and-constantly-horny
Dear confused-and-constantly-horny (great pen name, by the way).
Commiserations to you, my love. That sounds horrid. Six months in and already wondering if you've signed up for a lifelong subscription to 'Netflix and... not much else'? Nope. Let's unpack this.
The fact he waited to jump into bed because he wanted to build a connection is cute – we love a respectful king. But I can understand your frustration with an outcome that is... less ideal.
A young woman is concerned her new boyfriend may be asexual and fears what this means for her future (stock image posed by models)
Here's the thing: there could be a million reasons for his lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom. Maybe he's stressed, has a low sex drive, or, yes, could be on the asexual spectrum. Or - and this is the one people don't like to hear - maybe he's just not as into physical intimacy as you are. None of these make him a bad guy, but they are things you need to know.
So, how to approach it without turning it into the world's most awkward conversation. Therapists often recommend bringing up tricky topics during a car trip - why? Because you don't have to make eye contact, which magically makes things less tense. So, while cruising down the freeway, casually say something like, 'I've noticed we're not really connecting in the bedroom as much as I'd like. Is there something on your mind, or is this just how you feel about intimacy?' It's straightforward, kind and gives him space to open up without feeling like he's under a spotlight.
If he is asexual or has a very low sex drive, you'll need to figure out if you can meet in the middle. Maybe intimacy for him looks different than what you're used to. Or maybe this is one of those 'fundamental differences' moments where you realise you are just not compatible.
At the end of the day, physical intimacy is a big deal for you - and that's okay (trust me, I get it!) Relationships thrive when both people feel fulfilled, and if you're not getting what you need, it's better to address it now than later.
Whatever you do, don't settle for 'meh'. You deserve a saucy, exciting relationship with all the sparks. Life is looooong and you want to spend it having lots of lovely sex. Here's hoping the chat clears the air - and (fingers crossed) turns up the heat.
