As we head into divorce season, five unhappy husbands confess to me why they fell out of love with their wives. And I thought I'd heard it all: JANA'S SEALED SECTION
Not so long ago, I asked women to share with me the reasons behind why they left their marriages. Their answers were raw, honest and fascinating.
After a string of separations within my friendship group, I dug into the topic and quickly realised there's a divorce epidemic happening right now.
Divorce applications have risen by roughly 13 per cent since 2021, and the latest data shows the average length of a marriage is just 12 years.
Twelve years. So much for 'til death do us part'.
When I spoke to the many wives who flooded my inbox with stories about their divorces, I noticed three common themes. Women were leaving because...
- Their husbands were spending more time on their job than their marriage
- Sex was all about his pleasure, with barely any focus on her
- The men lacked empathy and proper communication skills.
So, like any good investigator, I wanted to hear both sides of the story. Yes, statistics show seven out of ten divorces are initiated by women - but what about the men who decide enough is enough?
I asked my male followers on Instagram to slide into my DM's and tell me what made them decide to end their marriages. And yes, just like with the wives, I was quite surprised by their answers...
Not so long ago, I asked women to share with me the reasons behind why they gave up on their marriages. Now it's time for the men who left their wives to explain themselves...
Affairs, affairs, as far as the eye can see
There is a false assumption that married women don't cheat. But, trust me, they do - and they do a lot. Take, for example, the poor man I spoke to who revealed he ended things with his wife upon discovering she was having her 'third affair'.
And how did he find out? Eek. She fell pregnant - but he'd had a vasectomy after their third child so the baby wasn't his. Fortunately there's a happy ending: he is now single and, in his words, 'the best version of myself'.
Another man shared with me that his wife had a fling with one of her colleagues - a tale as old as time. 'It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through,' he said. 'We tried counselling but it wasn't worth the torment.' After filing for divorce, he jumped on the apps and 'had a lot of success' - but he ended up dating a woman for nine months who was was just after an 'Instagram boyfriend'. But there's a silver lining: he's now almost a year into a new relationship that's going well. 'It's still too early to make the life partner call, but we're both committed.'
And then there was this story from a follower that had a plot twist I wasn't expecting.
'I was married for about seven years but towards the end we where sleeping in separate bedrooms. The communication was limited. We ended up separating and afterwards I found out she was was hooking with another woman. The ridiculous thing is we'd married and tried to have children because she was Catholic.' His ex-wife and her new girlfriend now have a baby together. 'It's been hard,' he said.
Controlling behaviour
Countless men wrote to me saying they initiated divorce because it felt as though their wives had become their mothers.
Women cheating was a big reason why the men I spoke to called it quits - but others reported being in controlling marriages that left them suffocating (stock image posed by models)
One ex-husband told me: 'I was married for 12 years and things were fine at the start, but my ex became very controlling and micromanaging over time. She always struggled with her mental health, but when our daughter was born four years ago, she became even more controlling. She would limit where I could take our child and supervise everything I did - nappy changes, bath time, etc. In January last year I decided it was best if I moved out. Things only became more difficult after that. Despite already covering the mortgage, bills and child maintenance, she restricted access to my daughter unless I stumped up extra cash.
'In August 2023, I saw a solicitor and applied for our daughter to live with me full-time - I knew it was a long shot but I had nothing to lose because I had zero custody at the time. I also applied for divorce.
'Fifteen months later and the divorce is done - at a cost of about $15,000. Our daughter lives with me full-time and there's a final hearing at the end of February. I'm happy to pay whatever costs for our custody arrangement because it's in our daughter's best interests.'
Another man shared: 'My ex-wife and I married in our early twenties, and soon after she turned horribly abusive and controlling. I stuck it out for our children until our mid-thirties when I finally got the courage to leave. The day after I left, all her family - and mine - said they couldn't believe I'd lasted as long as I did. It would have been handy to know that a few years earlier.'
Wives not on board for the 'glow-up'
I've seen it countless times: a man hits his mid-forties and suddenly the dad bod, wrinkles and daggy clothes are out and the toned muscles, Botox and tailored suits are in. Some (unfairly) call it a midlife crisis; I call it a midlife glow-up.
But, as several men have told me, embarking on a journey of self-improvement years into a marriage can be the final nail in the coffin, especially if the wife isn't on board.
One husband told me he initiated separation last August after six years of marriage and two children. After years of the couple drinking too much, he decided to get sober - and his wife didn't. She kept drinking every night and it dawned on him their marriage was miserable without the haze of booze. Realising the only thing they had in common was alcohol, he left five weeks later.
One man asked for a divorce because his wife hadn't initiated sex in more than two years. She justified her coldness by pointing out he had rejected her advances once (stock image)
Lack of sex
One man confessed that he asked for a divorce because his wife hadn't initiated sex in more than two years.
When they finally sat down for 'the talk' about separating, this husband was shocked at her petty reason for going cold on him.
'You said no to me once, so I never asked again.' Ouch.
They married too young
Ah yes, that old chestnut. The 'we settled down too quickly' dilemma.
One man shared an extremely personal story with me about getting married at 23 to his first girlfriend, who he'd been with since he was 15.
He confessed: 'I always remember thinking, "I'd better marry her because who else would want me?" Anyway, long story short, she had a range of mental health challenges that I was in no way equipped to deal with - including a suicide attempt three weeks after our wedding - and I ended up resenting her for it. I now feel guilty about this having faced my own demons. I realise she was doing the best she could.
'After three years of marriage, I was unfaithful. I was too young and wasn't mature enough to handle what was going on in my marriage. The woman I cheated with became my second wife and mother of my daughter - who is my everything.
'But karma slapped me round the face when she left me after seven years of marriage. Since then, I have spent a long time working through my issues with a counsellor. Today, I try to be a better man knowing that my relationships should be a model for what my daughter should expect when she's older.'
Some final thoughts
With so many gut-wrenching stories of marriages imploding, I turned to podcaster Chris Williamson for his advice - from a man's perspective - on what makes a good marriage. He has five questions we should ask ourselves before we get engaged:
- If someone told you, 'You are a lot like your partner,' would this be a compliment to you?
- Are you truly fulfilled or just less lonely?
- Are you able to be unapologetically yourself, or do you feel the need to show up differently to please your partner?
- Are you in love with your partner right now, as a whole? Or are you only in love with their good side, their potential, and the idea of them?
- Would you want your future or imagined child to date someone like them?
They're pretty darn good, right?
